FUCK MCFUCK-KINS
man. i hate having to feel like the very person i am is in question. to knowingly cause discomfort in another person is just wrong. she fuckin knows that shes pissing me off. and she keeps doing it. maybe im imagining things. but i doubt it. if it werent real, then i dont think it would bother me this much. i NEVER get mad at people. its almost impossible to make me mad at you. i would have been more comforable in a room full of goddamn rabit dogs. but i dont want to make it odd for other people. so i just sit there. and dont say anything. fuckin a.
on a much happier note. I had an amazing time with the fools, swimming aside, it was still fun. must do it again. sans uncomfort.
i feel like im getting dumber. seriously. i can no longer properly articulate anything. i end up stuttering and repeating myself. i say things in my head, but they never make it out of my mouth, so people are left gaping at me like im stupid. but it makes sense to me. i also feel as though things are starting to take longer for me to process. i think i need a break.
i talked to him on the phone. everything seemed great. it wasnt awkward for once. he sounded comfortable and casual. like he wasnt forcing himself to speak. i dunno. talked to luke. tend to do that a lot. i like talking to him. its comforting. anyhow. i dont think i'll be able to change him even if i tried. i realize that its really wrong for me to go into this thinking i can change him into someone else. much worse, that im trying to turn him into one of my exes. i need something different. it will be good for me. i keep saying that i need a change in my life. maybe this is it. maybe im ready for it, and wont shy away from it subconciously. i dunno. things are muddled.
very muddled.
on a much happier note. I had an amazing time with the fools, swimming aside, it was still fun. must do it again. sans uncomfort.
i feel like im getting dumber. seriously. i can no longer properly articulate anything. i end up stuttering and repeating myself. i say things in my head, but they never make it out of my mouth, so people are left gaping at me like im stupid. but it makes sense to me. i also feel as though things are starting to take longer for me to process. i think i need a break.
i talked to him on the phone. everything seemed great. it wasnt awkward for once. he sounded comfortable and casual. like he wasnt forcing himself to speak. i dunno. talked to luke. tend to do that a lot. i like talking to him. its comforting. anyhow. i dont think i'll be able to change him even if i tried. i realize that its really wrong for me to go into this thinking i can change him into someone else. much worse, that im trying to turn him into one of my exes. i need something different. it will be good for me. i keep saying that i need a change in my life. maybe this is it. maybe im ready for it, and wont shy away from it subconciously. i dunno. things are muddled.
very muddled.