random.. but i've been having these thoughts lately.. and i must write them.
i know i am often harshly critical of others for their faults, whatever they are. if they are sluts, if they are bigots, if they have no religion, or if they are just rotten people in general. it is not my job to condemn them, God has control of that. but its sort of a compulsive reaction. people have always been to quick to judge and criticize me.
i played that prank on sean because i knew it would hurt him. and i wanted to hurt him, because he hurt me. of course i didnt say that, i played it off as a harmless prank. i still cant get over the fact that he betrayed me over and over and fucking over.. i dont even like him and it still hurts. and then i'm still bitter about the way stefanie and lauren treated me. God i was so stupid. i must've done something wrong...i wasn't being who they wanted me to be. right? even samantha stopped being my friend. was it my fault? what did i do? i just can't let it go. i can't. and i realized why.. not to go all psychology 101 here, but my dad left when i was four. and, yeah, hes still around, but the bottom line is, i trusted him, and he was gone. i invested my heart and soul in my family, and i thought it was going great. and then one day, daddy's moving out. and then, part of me is angry. i gave those people what i thought was the best of me. i was unselfish, and i was always there for them. and they left me anyways. there isnt a fix for this problem. even if they apologized, it wouldn't help any. samantha can't even admit she made a mistake, let alone apologize for it. not to drudge up old stuff here, but she didnt even bother to try and put the friendship back together. i mean, someone calls you their best friend and then doesnt lift a damn finger to fix what they claimed to be a meaningful relationship. wonder how that feels? shitty, thats how it feels. like, obviously i'm not good enough for this person, and they're glad to be rid of me.
i know i sound repetetive, i know i've said this before. but i can't help feeling this way. if i don't write or say how i feel, i'll go crazy. maybe if i didnt have depression, the feelings wouldnt be there. but, fact is, they are. and they're never going away.
i remember writing one entry a while ago.. this was when i was skipping school every other day because i was so depressed. i wrote how i couldnt get out of bed in the morning because of how i felt, something along those lines. a friend of mine commented and, not in these exact words, said that i should quit whining and get over it, that it wasnt the end of the world and all that stuff. well my God, if that isnt the picture of sensitivity. thanks for understanding. not to try and play off as the troubled teen here, but it IS a disease. and it NEVER goes away. i cant just wake up one morning and decide not to have these thoughts and feelings.
i'm sick and tired of taking the blame and feeling the guilt. its time that the people around me fucking step up to the plate and admit that they fuck up sometimes.
i played that prank on sean because i knew it would hurt him. and i wanted to hurt him, because he hurt me. of course i didnt say that, i played it off as a harmless prank. i still cant get over the fact that he betrayed me over and over and fucking over.. i dont even like him and it still hurts. and then i'm still bitter about the way stefanie and lauren treated me. God i was so stupid. i must've done something wrong...i wasn't being who they wanted me to be. right? even samantha stopped being my friend. was it my fault? what did i do? i just can't let it go. i can't. and i realized why.. not to go all psychology 101 here, but my dad left when i was four. and, yeah, hes still around, but the bottom line is, i trusted him, and he was gone. i invested my heart and soul in my family, and i thought it was going great. and then one day, daddy's moving out. and then, part of me is angry. i gave those people what i thought was the best of me. i was unselfish, and i was always there for them. and they left me anyways. there isnt a fix for this problem. even if they apologized, it wouldn't help any. samantha can't even admit she made a mistake, let alone apologize for it. not to drudge up old stuff here, but she didnt even bother to try and put the friendship back together. i mean, someone calls you their best friend and then doesnt lift a damn finger to fix what they claimed to be a meaningful relationship. wonder how that feels? shitty, thats how it feels. like, obviously i'm not good enough for this person, and they're glad to be rid of me.
i know i sound repetetive, i know i've said this before. but i can't help feeling this way. if i don't write or say how i feel, i'll go crazy. maybe if i didnt have depression, the feelings wouldnt be there. but, fact is, they are. and they're never going away.
i remember writing one entry a while ago.. this was when i was skipping school every other day because i was so depressed. i wrote how i couldnt get out of bed in the morning because of how i felt, something along those lines. a friend of mine commented and, not in these exact words, said that i should quit whining and get over it, that it wasnt the end of the world and all that stuff. well my God, if that isnt the picture of sensitivity. thanks for understanding. not to try and play off as the troubled teen here, but it IS a disease. and it NEVER goes away. i cant just wake up one morning and decide not to have these thoughts and feelings.
i'm sick and tired of taking the blame and feeling the guilt. its time that the people around me fucking step up to the plate and admit that they fuck up sometimes.