沖 - The Open Sea or Rise High Into The Sky

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I don't know what happened but like a cricked bone snapping back into place I've suddenly regained balance. It's not that things are okay now, it's not that I'm all happy now but I'm back inside the color, back inside the sound. The electricity in my veins is keeping me up at night and I feel like the bounce in my step is back, too. I still have a long way to go until I won't look like I'm dying after 15 minutes running and I still haven't got my balance back when it comes to my swords but my inner balance is back. I remembered. I remembered what I think important, what I want to do with life, I remembered my wishes and hopes, my dreams and fantasies and for the first time in almost a year there's this calm happiness that keeps all the demons away.

Awareness.
Patience.
Integrity.
Willpower.
Ambition.
Courage.
Clarity.
Continuity.

Things I value, things that are important to me, things I want to have someday. I remembered why I chose 沖 as my Kanji. oki - The Open Sea. But also: Rise High Into The Sky.

Things I want to do:
- Play Go or Shogi with an old Japanese man, on a stone table in a Japanese garden.
- Work with other carpenters on the restoration of a shrine.
- Walk for two weeks from shrine to shrine.
- Ride an Asyl-Arab, learn the secret word that makes it run faster than the wind and fly over the desert.
- Be part of the roundup of the sheep on Iceland, again on the back of a horse.
- Fly an afghan kite.
- Make third Dan in Iaido.
- Wield a blade so sharp that it cuts silently through a leaf accidentally falling on its edge.
- Read a book in Japanese without looking up a single Kanji.
- Dance on an abandoned industrial Site in the Rain.
- Sleep on the marble floors of an ancient library and dream of hibernating butterflies.
- Have a door handle that resembles a lizard.
- Visit Angkor Wat in Cambodia.
- Watch snow fall on ceders.
- Say I love you out of the spur of the moment, no thinking no nothing.
- Play that song above - it's La Chute by Yann Tiersen - without a single mistake.

And then there are some dreams which won't be possible but are still important to me - I want to sleep inside of a huge clockwork. I want to walk a year and a day with a blindfold on, to learn how to listen. I want to touch a star, set foot on Mars.

So many silly things but still that what keeps me going, even if I forget about them sometimes. Thanks,Zheyne.