(no subject)
i had a really bad fight with steve last night. i didn't get to bed until 12:30am. i'm dead tired right now, and i just want to punch him for it.
i've come to some sort of realization about myself. i never write anymore. all of my thoughts are completely jumbled. it's like, inside i know how i feel..but as far as expressing those feelings - it's hard. it's like i never have the exact words. it's depressing. i always used to be a great writer, and now i can't even speak proper english anymore. am i just trying to be someone i'm not for the sake of pleasing everyone else? i think so.
i hate how fighting with steve always makes me upset at myself, not really at him. i mean, i was furious last night. i really wanted to sneak out and just run into his room and beat the living shit out of him. it all started with him picking up the phone after i got out of work and sounding like he was completely miserable. i'm not saying he has to be happy all the time, but jeez..atleast talk to me. tell me what's the matter. that's what i'm here for. i'm a great listener, and i like to think that i can help people out. this is my boyfriend we're talking about here. why does he hide all of his feelings?
he just had to make things worse, but then again..i think i did, too. he was eating a late dinner, and watching TV and i guess with all of my questions and getting pissed off that i started to annoy him. he even said that to me. you know, it's not easy to be critisized by your boyfriend. i said to him, "well, if i called you annoying, how would you feel?" he told me he would take into consideration of my feelings and leave me alone. i'm not sure if he'd actually do that. the more that i think about it, i think he would, but i just wanted some answers. why was he talking to me like i was some dumb bitch? i've been with him a year and 5 months. i should get some sensitivity out of him. kinda think of it, a year and 5 months...i've learned a lot from him. i also know him well enough to know that i should just back off when we fight, because we seem (or i seem) to make things worse.
after 5 hangs up and 4 ciggarettes later, we finally were decent to eachother and said goodnight. before we hung up, i just had to ask him if we'd be okay tommorow. i didn't want to deal with school and all that bullshit with him being pissed off at me. he told me yes. so i cried myself to sleep while holding my doggy who just knew i was upset. isn't it funny how your pet knows when your sad? she licked my nose and then i took a deep breath and fell asleep.
i got dressed up this morning like i had planned to. i think i look lovely. :) i'm just sitting here in graphic arts 3. i'm irritated with the holiday card shit that we're doing. i feel so inexperienced and it's like they hate me being here. the 3 of them know what their doing and i still need a lot of help. i hate this. i really do. i wish i could just drop out of it because i don't deserve to be in the holiday card shit.
rahh. other than all that bullshit, i'm fine. i ready and waiting for tonight. i can't wait to just TRY and have a good night with steve. if not, then i'll have a good night by myself. i'll probably smoke myself to death. :o) yay.
i guess i'm gonna get going. i'm hungry. lunch is only a period away. woopie. <3 later guys.
i've come to some sort of realization about myself. i never write anymore. all of my thoughts are completely jumbled. it's like, inside i know how i feel..but as far as expressing those feelings - it's hard. it's like i never have the exact words. it's depressing. i always used to be a great writer, and now i can't even speak proper english anymore. am i just trying to be someone i'm not for the sake of pleasing everyone else? i think so.
i hate how fighting with steve always makes me upset at myself, not really at him. i mean, i was furious last night. i really wanted to sneak out and just run into his room and beat the living shit out of him. it all started with him picking up the phone after i got out of work and sounding like he was completely miserable. i'm not saying he has to be happy all the time, but jeez..atleast talk to me. tell me what's the matter. that's what i'm here for. i'm a great listener, and i like to think that i can help people out. this is my boyfriend we're talking about here. why does he hide all of his feelings?
he just had to make things worse, but then again..i think i did, too. he was eating a late dinner, and watching TV and i guess with all of my questions and getting pissed off that i started to annoy him. he even said that to me. you know, it's not easy to be critisized by your boyfriend. i said to him, "well, if i called you annoying, how would you feel?" he told me he would take into consideration of my feelings and leave me alone. i'm not sure if he'd actually do that. the more that i think about it, i think he would, but i just wanted some answers. why was he talking to me like i was some dumb bitch? i've been with him a year and 5 months. i should get some sensitivity out of him. kinda think of it, a year and 5 months...i've learned a lot from him. i also know him well enough to know that i should just back off when we fight, because we seem (or i seem) to make things worse.
after 5 hangs up and 4 ciggarettes later, we finally were decent to eachother and said goodnight. before we hung up, i just had to ask him if we'd be okay tommorow. i didn't want to deal with school and all that bullshit with him being pissed off at me. he told me yes. so i cried myself to sleep while holding my doggy who just knew i was upset. isn't it funny how your pet knows when your sad? she licked my nose and then i took a deep breath and fell asleep.
i got dressed up this morning like i had planned to. i think i look lovely. :) i'm just sitting here in graphic arts 3. i'm irritated with the holiday card shit that we're doing. i feel so inexperienced and it's like they hate me being here. the 3 of them know what their doing and i still need a lot of help. i hate this. i really do. i wish i could just drop out of it because i don't deserve to be in the holiday card shit.
rahh. other than all that bullshit, i'm fine. i ready and waiting for tonight. i can't wait to just TRY and have a good night with steve. if not, then i'll have a good night by myself. i'll probably smoke myself to death. :o) yay.
i guess i'm gonna get going. i'm hungry. lunch is only a period away. woopie. <3 later guys.