To boys, i say F!!!
It has been one hell of two weeks….. Very stressful and high-strung…and basically, an emotional fucking rollercoaster…..
First, a couple weeks ago, there was a bit of an incident that involved Greg and me… and at first; I felt reaaaalllly bad about what happened… I apologized and agonized over it for almost 2 weeks...I kept replaying everything in my head… thinking how could I do something like that? How could I be so stupid? I just didn’t know how I let it happen…and at first, I thought it was a mistake…and I regretted it….. but lets just say that things have slightly changed since then….and I no longer regret anything…. I am not sorry for what happened… and you never know; now it could become more…. Greg did ask…. But I just didn’t respond…. Maybe ill just call him up and see if that offer still stands….. hmmmm…..
So, at first, when James found out what happened, he was pissed and “chewed me out” for it…and I thought that I deserved it…. So that caused me to apologize numerous times and really feel guilty and like complete shit…. And I dwelled on it for over a week…close to two…that’s all that I could think about…and I let it bother me to the point of tears…feeling kinda depressed… angry with myself…. And after letting it engulf me like that, I was a mess…a complete train wreck….. and now, the only thing that I regret, is that I let it bother me…. I’m not sorry anymore…and I don’t regret it at all….
Lets just say that I found out some interesting information that has changed my mind…. There were hints dropped by a particular friend of mine… saying that I “deserve better” and the mention of an old friend of mine in terms of dating him…. But I didn’t think anything of it…. Then I found out why…. After all this-----James all of a sudden has a girlfriend!!!!! Now, when I found this out ---and it wasn’t from him…or a friend…it was from his myspace profile!-He said that he had the right to know about Greg, so I think that I have the right to know about this…. Now, as I see it…no matter how you look at it…. One of a few things happened….and once again, I was fooled… blinded… and played….and I do NOT take that lightly…..
1. James said that he doesn’t rush into relationships real quick…. That he takes his time… well, I had been talking to him and doing stuff for about 6months….and there was no relationship…BUT two weeks after the Greg incident, he’s got a girlfriend… and didn’t even have the nerve to tell me!!.... What happened to being honest?...and open?.. So as I see it, either he lied to me and just used that as an excuse to not commit to anything with me but just fool around… or he was being honest and really doesn’t commit right away, but was seeing and messing with this other girl at the same time…. I don’t like being lied to, or used…or played…. AT ALL!!!!
2. Maybe he never really had feelings for me, in terms of the relationship sense…. This I dk…and I may never know for sure…. But if not, than he was leading me on a whole lot and let me believe that there was something there…. At least some form of potential for something to become of all this…. But now that he’s got this other girl…. It’s more like I was just there for action til he found what he really wanted in a girlfriend and then I’d get dropped as soon as he found what he was looking for….. Again, I DON’T LIKE IT!!
3. And since I know for a fact that things were developing between the 2 of them while he had me under the impression that there was still something between us, than he had no right whatsoever to blow up on me for being with Greg…. Just an excuse to throw the blame to me so that its all my fault and then he can slip away easily to this other girl without having me mad or upset or whatever and him telling me…. It was the easy way out for him… but I am mad…. Not so much upset… I refuse to waste anymore tears over him… its just not worth it
4. or, maybe I’m missing something…and I have this all wrong…and if I do, id really appreciate for someone to tell me and straighten this out… bc id like to know…. May be this is all bc of what I did…(although I highly doubt it)….and if it is, than ill take the blame and accept what has become and move on from there…. And if that is the case, than I would be sorry again…bc it would be my fault for fucking things up…and that’s never happened to me before…and I HATE it when it happens to me…. And I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else…and I’d really punish myself for doing that to someone else if that’s the case….
Now, just to clear this up… I am not mad that he has a girlfriend that’s not me (although a month ago I would have been)…. Honestly, I’m happy for him… good for him…. But the fact that he still hasn’t told me, and doesn’t know that I know…. THAT has me mad…. He said he wants to be friends…and he had the right to know about Greg, so I should have the right to know about this…. If he was only honest and said that I don’t want a relationship with you, I don’t have those feelings {anymore?} I found someone else and she is my girlfriend… than I would have been fine with that…and once again...happy for him…. But since it didn’t work that way, and I wasn’t told any of this…anything at all for that matter (minus the small talk/scolding/ “chewing out” after a Greg) now I am mad… more than mad…. Extremely angered and pissed the fuck off…. And soooo ready for a lil vengeance ::insert evil laugh here::
Oh Greeeeg……. Hehehehe
{yes, evil I am…… and damn proud to be!}
First, a couple weeks ago, there was a bit of an incident that involved Greg and me… and at first; I felt reaaaalllly bad about what happened… I apologized and agonized over it for almost 2 weeks...I kept replaying everything in my head… thinking how could I do something like that? How could I be so stupid? I just didn’t know how I let it happen…and at first, I thought it was a mistake…and I regretted it….. but lets just say that things have slightly changed since then….and I no longer regret anything…. I am not sorry for what happened… and you never know; now it could become more…. Greg did ask…. But I just didn’t respond…. Maybe ill just call him up and see if that offer still stands….. hmmmm…..
So, at first, when James found out what happened, he was pissed and “chewed me out” for it…and I thought that I deserved it…. So that caused me to apologize numerous times and really feel guilty and like complete shit…. And I dwelled on it for over a week…close to two…that’s all that I could think about…and I let it bother me to the point of tears…feeling kinda depressed… angry with myself…. And after letting it engulf me like that, I was a mess…a complete train wreck….. and now, the only thing that I regret, is that I let it bother me…. I’m not sorry anymore…and I don’t regret it at all….
Lets just say that I found out some interesting information that has changed my mind…. There were hints dropped by a particular friend of mine… saying that I “deserve better” and the mention of an old friend of mine in terms of dating him…. But I didn’t think anything of it…. Then I found out why…. After all this-----James all of a sudden has a girlfriend!!!!! Now, when I found this out ---and it wasn’t from him…or a friend…it was from his myspace profile!-He said that he had the right to know about Greg, so I think that I have the right to know about this…. Now, as I see it…no matter how you look at it…. One of a few things happened….and once again, I was fooled… blinded… and played….and I do NOT take that lightly…..
1. James said that he doesn’t rush into relationships real quick…. That he takes his time… well, I had been talking to him and doing stuff for about 6months….and there was no relationship…BUT two weeks after the Greg incident, he’s got a girlfriend… and didn’t even have the nerve to tell me!!.... What happened to being honest?...and open?.. So as I see it, either he lied to me and just used that as an excuse to not commit to anything with me but just fool around… or he was being honest and really doesn’t commit right away, but was seeing and messing with this other girl at the same time…. I don’t like being lied to, or used…or played…. AT ALL!!!!
2. Maybe he never really had feelings for me, in terms of the relationship sense…. This I dk…and I may never know for sure…. But if not, than he was leading me on a whole lot and let me believe that there was something there…. At least some form of potential for something to become of all this…. But now that he’s got this other girl…. It’s more like I was just there for action til he found what he really wanted in a girlfriend and then I’d get dropped as soon as he found what he was looking for….. Again, I DON’T LIKE IT!!
3. And since I know for a fact that things were developing between the 2 of them while he had me under the impression that there was still something between us, than he had no right whatsoever to blow up on me for being with Greg…. Just an excuse to throw the blame to me so that its all my fault and then he can slip away easily to this other girl without having me mad or upset or whatever and him telling me…. It was the easy way out for him… but I am mad…. Not so much upset… I refuse to waste anymore tears over him… its just not worth it
4. or, maybe I’m missing something…and I have this all wrong…and if I do, id really appreciate for someone to tell me and straighten this out… bc id like to know…. May be this is all bc of what I did…(although I highly doubt it)….and if it is, than ill take the blame and accept what has become and move on from there…. And if that is the case, than I would be sorry again…bc it would be my fault for fucking things up…and that’s never happened to me before…and I HATE it when it happens to me…. And I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else…and I’d really punish myself for doing that to someone else if that’s the case….
Now, just to clear this up… I am not mad that he has a girlfriend that’s not me (although a month ago I would have been)…. Honestly, I’m happy for him… good for him…. But the fact that he still hasn’t told me, and doesn’t know that I know…. THAT has me mad…. He said he wants to be friends…and he had the right to know about Greg, so I should have the right to know about this…. If he was only honest and said that I don’t want a relationship with you, I don’t have those feelings {anymore?} I found someone else and she is my girlfriend… than I would have been fine with that…and once again...happy for him…. But since it didn’t work that way, and I wasn’t told any of this…anything at all for that matter (minus the small talk/scolding/ “chewing out” after a Greg) now I am mad… more than mad…. Extremely angered and pissed the fuck off…. And soooo ready for a lil vengeance ::insert evil laugh here::
Oh Greeeeg……. Hehehehe
{yes, evil I am…… and damn proud to be!}