(no subject)
ran errands and shit w/ dad yesterday. got along decently well. actually had some conversation. cashed checks, sent out final loan papers, got mail info for andrew. mom gave me the andrew talk finally; she thought andrew and i were seriously having sex and she wanted to make sure i didn't get prgnant. read some of my book and convinced dad to let us borrow us truck to move andrew's stuff. cleaned that, took a shower, entertained myself by purposely pissing off andrew, then andrew came and got me n we went to sean's. went to andrew's to do some moving into storage, but couldn't get in. did a tiny bit of packing, then back to sean's. chilled and watched penguin movie. sleep. woke up later than 8 finally. sean left so andrew and i chilled on the couch till time to meet sean at andrew's apartment. spent 6 more hours during the hottest part of the day, 1-7 packing, cleaning, and moving into storage. andrew has a lot of shit. then home.
got into one of my moods sometime early in the evening. it may have been a mix of all the stress i'd acquired from the whole packing thing, andrew not having anywhere to go, and no money... then being yelled at and taking things personally... feeling completely useless w/ the whole moving thing... and being tired. i don't know what it was, but when i got home, i was very unhappy. it's just me and mom here. she's drunk, like she has been the past few days. i took a long shower, listening to my sleep music, and letting the water run down my face.
being in this mood, i do a lot of thinking. naturally, i'm thinking about college and everyone leaving. ty leaves first. i was thinking how i wanted to see him before he left, but i honestly don't think it'll happen. everyone's grown apart so much, it's like no one remembers their old friends exist. it's sad, but i guess it's inevitable. we're growing up, it's going to happen.
i want to leave so badly. i don't like sitting around and thinking about everything i've lost and evetything i'm about to lose. i want to move in now and just get it all over with, that way i won't have time to go crying about how different it is.
i've even completely grown out of this stupid house. granted, i haven't actually enjoyed being here for years, but i always had my own room as my safe haven. i still felt like this was my home, regardless of whether i enjoyed it or not. but now, i don't feel like i belong here. i sleep on the couch b/c i don't feel comfortable in my room. i haven't eaten a real dinner here in ages. i make myself food, heat up left overs, eat out, or do like tonight-- tell mom i've already eaten so she will retire to the basement and leave me to fend for myself. boo's gone, so i have no one to talk to here. i never realize how much i depend on my little sister for some company. she's not here, so all i do is run from my parents' eyes.
it's weird to think i'm leaving everything i've known for so many years. what's weirder, is i really don't have a problem w/ leaving anymore. the only problem is i'm afraid of being around new people in a new place w/ new rules and new ideas, not that i'm leaving what i had.
i'm glad i'm not starting completely new, though. i'm not going too far away and i'm still going to have some friends near me. i may want to get out, but i'm not like some of my friends who want to take off and never look back. i don't plan on living like i do now-- i do plan on having a new life now-- but it's close enough that i will still feel comfortable.
as with every other night at home, i feel very alone and vulneable to my own thoughts. i've already cried slightly and sat in the floor w/ a blanket staring at nothing and hoping i'd fall asleep and stop thinking. i guess i'm spending another night on the couch in here, since i can't seem to sleep alone in my bed. i still sleep w/ marvin every night i'm home, b/c, although i know it's a stuffed animal and i'm not five years old and think it's alive, it still feels nice to have that one thing i've had for years and has always been comforting to me. i'm very greatful for my portly green bear.
i'm done with my rambling now. although pretty pointless, it felt nice to get all of that out. now i think i'll go eat some ice cream or something soothing and lay down on my couch. work tomorrow. i think brandon and andrew will both be stopping by. hoorah
got into one of my moods sometime early in the evening. it may have been a mix of all the stress i'd acquired from the whole packing thing, andrew not having anywhere to go, and no money... then being yelled at and taking things personally... feeling completely useless w/ the whole moving thing... and being tired. i don't know what it was, but when i got home, i was very unhappy. it's just me and mom here. she's drunk, like she has been the past few days. i took a long shower, listening to my sleep music, and letting the water run down my face.
being in this mood, i do a lot of thinking. naturally, i'm thinking about college and everyone leaving. ty leaves first. i was thinking how i wanted to see him before he left, but i honestly don't think it'll happen. everyone's grown apart so much, it's like no one remembers their old friends exist. it's sad, but i guess it's inevitable. we're growing up, it's going to happen.
i want to leave so badly. i don't like sitting around and thinking about everything i've lost and evetything i'm about to lose. i want to move in now and just get it all over with, that way i won't have time to go crying about how different it is.
i've even completely grown out of this stupid house. granted, i haven't actually enjoyed being here for years, but i always had my own room as my safe haven. i still felt like this was my home, regardless of whether i enjoyed it or not. but now, i don't feel like i belong here. i sleep on the couch b/c i don't feel comfortable in my room. i haven't eaten a real dinner here in ages. i make myself food, heat up left overs, eat out, or do like tonight-- tell mom i've already eaten so she will retire to the basement and leave me to fend for myself. boo's gone, so i have no one to talk to here. i never realize how much i depend on my little sister for some company. she's not here, so all i do is run from my parents' eyes.
it's weird to think i'm leaving everything i've known for so many years. what's weirder, is i really don't have a problem w/ leaving anymore. the only problem is i'm afraid of being around new people in a new place w/ new rules and new ideas, not that i'm leaving what i had.
i'm glad i'm not starting completely new, though. i'm not going too far away and i'm still going to have some friends near me. i may want to get out, but i'm not like some of my friends who want to take off and never look back. i don't plan on living like i do now-- i do plan on having a new life now-- but it's close enough that i will still feel comfortable.
as with every other night at home, i feel very alone and vulneable to my own thoughts. i've already cried slightly and sat in the floor w/ a blanket staring at nothing and hoping i'd fall asleep and stop thinking. i guess i'm spending another night on the couch in here, since i can't seem to sleep alone in my bed. i still sleep w/ marvin every night i'm home, b/c, although i know it's a stuffed animal and i'm not five years old and think it's alive, it still feels nice to have that one thing i've had for years and has always been comforting to me. i'm very greatful for my portly green bear.
i'm done with my rambling now. although pretty pointless, it felt nice to get all of that out. now i think i'll go eat some ice cream or something soothing and lay down on my couch. work tomorrow. i think brandon and andrew will both be stopping by. hoorah