oh how the future doesn't change the past.
today is friday and i have nothing do with my life. i started off the day by getting out of bed and then getting back in bed. although! i did get dressed and go for a walk through the woods on a trail we found, but it only lasted for oh maybe 25 minutes? then we were back home and being lazy again.
so, we're trying to find things to do that get us out of the house since me and the girlfriend aren't working and we're just sitting home doing nothing at all. so for the past few weeks we've been going to play tennis. we went last night to play and as we were playing, who walks onto the court behind us? someone who i used to be completely in love with who broke my heart and pretty much ripped it out of my chest and made me eat it. what a bitch. ha. anyway, as we were playing, i felt the tension even through the 6 1/2 fence seperating us. i felt like she was staring at me, burning a hole through my clothes, through my skin. i felt so weird. weird, not in a good way. usually weird for me means a good thing, that feeling in your stomach. but this was different. i felt like i was being hated, even though it's been 4 1/2 years. i didn't know how to feel, how to act, how to look. i felt like i had to confine myself to the person i used to be when she was around back then. like i had to protect myself from her, from the hurt that i felt so long ago. i hate feeling like that, like i have to pretend to be someone that i'm not just to make everyone else happy. i try so hard not to do that, but sometimes i just have to.
i, on accident, hit a tennis ball onto their court, and i was standing behind the board that people use to play when they practice by themselves..so anyway, i hit one over there on accident, and she picked up and threw it back over the fence...well, needless to say, as embaressing as it is, it hit me in the face. now, i know it wasn't on purpose because she couldn't even see me standing behind the board, but still..for a second, i felt revenge. i felt the hate again. i felt like i had it coming i guess, like i deserved just one more thing for her to do to me to make me see how much she just didn't like me (even though i never did anything to her, ha!). even jessi (my girlfriend) was like hahaha, that was like she was getting revenge....mhm, pretty much, although i don't know what she needs revenge for because i never hurt her, i never did anything bad to her, i never talked down to her..i was just in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. so i got punished.
can you imagine? almost 4 years later, she still wants nothing to do with me. she's an adult, how can someone really hold a grudge like that after so long? she needs to grow up. i always thought that she would grow up faster than she needed to, but instead, she's still a child. she might have everything together, like a good job, full time college student, a great family....but her, herself, she's not together. she can't be civil with someone for what reason? i actually talked to her like a year ago on the computer. we were okay for the first 20 minutes, until she brought up how she thought that i was spoiled and how i always get what i want...that started a whole big thing and then everything was back to normal for us (not that it's really normal because it's not, everything has always been screwed up between us, but THAT'S what's normal for US.)
oh how sad that is. not really, because it just makes me realize that growing up and being an adult and having everything in your life pretty much perfect...the person who you were in the past only changes on the outside. you're still the same person you were on the inside, whether you believe it or not, and whether you act on it or not. somewhere, deep down, you're still that person and it will terrorize you because...
YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE.
so, we're trying to find things to do that get us out of the house since me and the girlfriend aren't working and we're just sitting home doing nothing at all. so for the past few weeks we've been going to play tennis. we went last night to play and as we were playing, who walks onto the court behind us? someone who i used to be completely in love with who broke my heart and pretty much ripped it out of my chest and made me eat it. what a bitch. ha. anyway, as we were playing, i felt the tension even through the 6 1/2 fence seperating us. i felt like she was staring at me, burning a hole through my clothes, through my skin. i felt so weird. weird, not in a good way. usually weird for me means a good thing, that feeling in your stomach. but this was different. i felt like i was being hated, even though it's been 4 1/2 years. i didn't know how to feel, how to act, how to look. i felt like i had to confine myself to the person i used to be when she was around back then. like i had to protect myself from her, from the hurt that i felt so long ago. i hate feeling like that, like i have to pretend to be someone that i'm not just to make everyone else happy. i try so hard not to do that, but sometimes i just have to.
i, on accident, hit a tennis ball onto their court, and i was standing behind the board that people use to play when they practice by themselves..so anyway, i hit one over there on accident, and she picked up and threw it back over the fence...well, needless to say, as embaressing as it is, it hit me in the face. now, i know it wasn't on purpose because she couldn't even see me standing behind the board, but still..for a second, i felt revenge. i felt the hate again. i felt like i had it coming i guess, like i deserved just one more thing for her to do to me to make me see how much she just didn't like me (even though i never did anything to her, ha!). even jessi (my girlfriend) was like hahaha, that was like she was getting revenge....mhm, pretty much, although i don't know what she needs revenge for because i never hurt her, i never did anything bad to her, i never talked down to her..i was just in love with her and she wasn't in love with me. so i got punished.
can you imagine? almost 4 years later, she still wants nothing to do with me. she's an adult, how can someone really hold a grudge like that after so long? she needs to grow up. i always thought that she would grow up faster than she needed to, but instead, she's still a child. she might have everything together, like a good job, full time college student, a great family....but her, herself, she's not together. she can't be civil with someone for what reason? i actually talked to her like a year ago on the computer. we were okay for the first 20 minutes, until she brought up how she thought that i was spoiled and how i always get what i want...that started a whole big thing and then everything was back to normal for us (not that it's really normal because it's not, everything has always been screwed up between us, but THAT'S what's normal for US.)
oh how sad that is. not really, because it just makes me realize that growing up and being an adult and having everything in your life pretty much perfect...the person who you were in the past only changes on the outside. you're still the same person you were on the inside, whether you believe it or not, and whether you act on it or not. somewhere, deep down, you're still that person and it will terrorize you because...
YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE.