im happy
I have figured a lot out, the biggest part of which is how damaging it is to let love get in the way of life. I don't have to give up on my love and my dreams for us, but I do need to start living for MYSELF. If anything would change, I know it would not be anytime soon, my words carried me as far as they could. I found the errors in my ways and am now going to fix them, and I have finally realized that it can't always be for someone else. No matter what the future may or may not hold for us, I can preserve a friendship unlike any other. I don't have to stop believing in the love, but I don't have to let it get in the way of a friendship either. She is way too important to me for me to lose her entirely, and regardless of how I feel, I want her to be happy. And I have it in me to be happy in myself. Of course I still miss her and I still love her, that didn't change overnight, but in realizing what I wrote in here last night and this morning, I realized I had a life to live completely separate from the love. Only time will answer the questions in my heart, but only hard work and perserverence will fill the holes in my life. It is time for me to focus on the latter, and I hope to be able to push her towards the dreams she thinks I would hold her back from. There is a difference between being overwhelmed by love and being consumed by it. I can write and do what I must, but aside from that, I can live my life and make sure I keep her in my life one way or the other.