....update maybe.
Well I think I've decided to discontinue use of LiveJournal. I don't really think it matter too much as no one reads mine, nor do I read others. But for the sake of posterity, I figured I'd at least give one final update. So here goes;
On The Summer
Well the summer is off to a wonderfully depressing start. Work is work, 40 hours of absolute hell every week. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna freak out and have a massive breakdown right in the middle of work. But I always calmly try to regain my compsure and carry on with the day. I'm sick and tired of being everyones bitch at work, I like the store in Kzoo much much better. I have hardley seen my friends so far, partly because I have not been around due to other events and partly due to them always being gone elsewhere as well. Dom is pissed off at me, because RJ came and lived it up Kzoo style and was too drunk to get to Lapeer for a job he had. Now I tried to wake his ass up, no go! But regardless he is never here now because he's always up there and the last time I saw Dom, she didn't even talk to me. That is perfect, please - do that, do exactly that. I have no room, no bed - I'm still sleeping on a couch in the living room with everything I own boxed up in the garage. It's like I'm living in permant temporarity. Does a mind good.
On The Jetta
Well I don't think I'll ever by one of these cars again.....wow....I think I've said that about 50 times on here in the last few months. SO here is the new shitlist. 1] Some asshole in Kzoo hit me head on, cracking my bumper, knocking out my lights, and breaking my grill. Insurance is on it's way. [The drivers side key cylnder broke on night for no appartent reason. Just snap! Broke! So now I have to unlock my doors from the passenger side. To make matters worse the morning following the breakage I accidently snapped off the little lock lifter, thus making it that much hard to get into and out of my car. PLUS everything else that was broke still is. No money to fix it.
On School
School is depressing. I got DC's on 2 of my classes, which isn't failing but also doesn't count. So retakes for them......I'm such a dumb fuck. Jen just graduated and while I sat there and watched her classmates accepting doplomas I started to have a panic attack and had to leave my seat. I just didn't think I was gonna ever graduate myself....it's going to take me forever. I had to call a friend for some reassuring words in order to stop myself from jumping off the upper level concourse to ground below.
On Jennifer
Well like I said, she has graduated and I couldn't be more proud of her. She has recently accepted a job in Farmington Hills working with kids who are delinquent and I know that is work that she loves. Unfortunally I think our time together has drawn to a close. I love her very much and I don't want to see that happen but all things aside, it's inevitable. She has begun a professional career and I'm sure she doesn't want to be dating some looser who is still in college. If I was in her position I wouldn't. Besides, the logistics are a nightmare. I work everyday from 7-330. She will be working 45 mintues away from around then until 11. So basically we miss each other. Now if we lived in the same house, no prob. But we don't. Also she will have weekend work, and I will to, most likly conflicting. This is right now, not to mention when I go back to Kzoo it will be impossible to see her. Last year she was an hour away and I still never saw her, now she thinks 3 hours will be fine. Well of course she thinks it will be fine, she has no real plans of staying with me anyway. I just wish she'd dump me know so I can get over her and move on....or do whatever. A common wedding vow is "for better for worse" and I don't think either of use understand the meaning of that. For her, she has never made a life change or sacrafice for me or for the good of our relationship. If I get in the way of the "plan", I'm history - unless I comply that is.
On Dieting
What more can I say? In attempts to look better and feel better, I think I've opened a pandora's box. I've stopped drinking, well mostly that is, and started doing the whole weight watchers thing. Everyday I'm weaker and weaker. But I'm not to hungery anymore, I was in the begining, that is for sure. The other day I broke from my diet while out with Jen and her family. Well that didn't last too long as I puked it back up really soon after eating it. So now I have to eat this food that makes me feel bad otherwise I feel bad. I can't get to sleep really early so I've been taking Ambien which is addictive, so I have that problem to look forward too. I guess the other day I took 2 and I was stumpling around my house in my sleep...my parents had to help me back upstairs and I remember nothing about it. I really makes you feel drunk.....
On Kalamazoo
I miss it. But I miss the old it. I went to visit and we had fun but it just wasn't the same. I miss the Nick days at B201 just chillin being us. My last few nights there a few certain people fucked around with my head and really ended up hurting me.....but what's new. I guess I was asking for it. Next year is going to be a very lonley and dark year, something that seems new to me but as I read journals past I realize that its all the same.
On Saying Goodbye
I never really liked the whole suicide talk. It's so mopy and immature plus it's only real purpose is to gain attention. That is not what this is. I just feel as though some people were put on this planet to kill themselves. Let's look at it logically now; Without people commiting suicide there would be no awarness about it as well as programs put into place that actually SAVE people who are NOT suppose to die. We could look at it philosophically as well. If people are put on this planet to live, then they are put here to die as well. Nothing is satisfying anymore. I used to take Lexapro for depression but disconinued because of the overwhelming flatness. I didn't enjoy hearing music, watching a moving film, or simply being arond people. Now I get that way and I'm not on anything - I've self medicated myself with my brain. Neato, isn't it. I think, well I should say KNOW, that I'm no going to make it much longer. Not everyone is suposed to live nice long lives and be successful. Everything just keeps on spiraling downward and downward and I'm just waiting for the straw. The subtlety of it all is really quite amazing. I will have a book written before I go. One testimate in the sea of others now avaiable at your local borders books.
....goodbye.
On The Summer
Well the summer is off to a wonderfully depressing start. Work is work, 40 hours of absolute hell every week. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna freak out and have a massive breakdown right in the middle of work. But I always calmly try to regain my compsure and carry on with the day. I'm sick and tired of being everyones bitch at work, I like the store in Kzoo much much better. I have hardley seen my friends so far, partly because I have not been around due to other events and partly due to them always being gone elsewhere as well. Dom is pissed off at me, because RJ came and lived it up Kzoo style and was too drunk to get to Lapeer for a job he had. Now I tried to wake his ass up, no go! But regardless he is never here now because he's always up there and the last time I saw Dom, she didn't even talk to me. That is perfect, please - do that, do exactly that. I have no room, no bed - I'm still sleeping on a couch in the living room with everything I own boxed up in the garage. It's like I'm living in permant temporarity. Does a mind good.
On The Jetta
Well I don't think I'll ever by one of these cars again.....wow....I think I've said that about 50 times on here in the last few months. SO here is the new shitlist. 1] Some asshole in Kzoo hit me head on, cracking my bumper, knocking out my lights, and breaking my grill. Insurance is on it's way. [The drivers side key cylnder broke on night for no appartent reason. Just snap! Broke! So now I have to unlock my doors from the passenger side. To make matters worse the morning following the breakage I accidently snapped off the little lock lifter, thus making it that much hard to get into and out of my car. PLUS everything else that was broke still is. No money to fix it.
On School
School is depressing. I got DC's on 2 of my classes, which isn't failing but also doesn't count. So retakes for them......I'm such a dumb fuck. Jen just graduated and while I sat there and watched her classmates accepting doplomas I started to have a panic attack and had to leave my seat. I just didn't think I was gonna ever graduate myself....it's going to take me forever. I had to call a friend for some reassuring words in order to stop myself from jumping off the upper level concourse to ground below.
On Jennifer
Well like I said, she has graduated and I couldn't be more proud of her. She has recently accepted a job in Farmington Hills working with kids who are delinquent and I know that is work that she loves. Unfortunally I think our time together has drawn to a close. I love her very much and I don't want to see that happen but all things aside, it's inevitable. She has begun a professional career and I'm sure she doesn't want to be dating some looser who is still in college. If I was in her position I wouldn't. Besides, the logistics are a nightmare. I work everyday from 7-330. She will be working 45 mintues away from around then until 11. So basically we miss each other. Now if we lived in the same house, no prob. But we don't. Also she will have weekend work, and I will to, most likly conflicting. This is right now, not to mention when I go back to Kzoo it will be impossible to see her. Last year she was an hour away and I still never saw her, now she thinks 3 hours will be fine. Well of course she thinks it will be fine, she has no real plans of staying with me anyway. I just wish she'd dump me know so I can get over her and move on....or do whatever. A common wedding vow is "for better for worse" and I don't think either of use understand the meaning of that. For her, she has never made a life change or sacrafice for me or for the good of our relationship. If I get in the way of the "plan", I'm history - unless I comply that is.
On Dieting
What more can I say? In attempts to look better and feel better, I think I've opened a pandora's box. I've stopped drinking, well mostly that is, and started doing the whole weight watchers thing. Everyday I'm weaker and weaker. But I'm not to hungery anymore, I was in the begining, that is for sure. The other day I broke from my diet while out with Jen and her family. Well that didn't last too long as I puked it back up really soon after eating it. So now I have to eat this food that makes me feel bad otherwise I feel bad. I can't get to sleep really early so I've been taking Ambien which is addictive, so I have that problem to look forward too. I guess the other day I took 2 and I was stumpling around my house in my sleep...my parents had to help me back upstairs and I remember nothing about it. I really makes you feel drunk.....
On Kalamazoo
I miss it. But I miss the old it. I went to visit and we had fun but it just wasn't the same. I miss the Nick days at B201 just chillin being us. My last few nights there a few certain people fucked around with my head and really ended up hurting me.....but what's new. I guess I was asking for it. Next year is going to be a very lonley and dark year, something that seems new to me but as I read journals past I realize that its all the same.
On Saying Goodbye
I never really liked the whole suicide talk. It's so mopy and immature plus it's only real purpose is to gain attention. That is not what this is. I just feel as though some people were put on this planet to kill themselves. Let's look at it logically now; Without people commiting suicide there would be no awarness about it as well as programs put into place that actually SAVE people who are NOT suppose to die. We could look at it philosophically as well. If people are put on this planet to live, then they are put here to die as well. Nothing is satisfying anymore. I used to take Lexapro for depression but disconinued because of the overwhelming flatness. I didn't enjoy hearing music, watching a moving film, or simply being arond people. Now I get that way and I'm not on anything - I've self medicated myself with my brain. Neato, isn't it. I think, well I should say KNOW, that I'm no going to make it much longer. Not everyone is suposed to live nice long lives and be successful. Everything just keeps on spiraling downward and downward and I'm just waiting for the straw. The subtlety of it all is really quite amazing. I will have a book written before I go. One testimate in the sea of others now avaiable at your local borders books.
....goodbye.