i miss my friends so much it hurts
some of the time i am really annoyed and i want to just give in. i get frustrated at things not being better than they were. to get back at the world, i skip class...
i bought my ticket for the mt. eerie show and then i came home last night and listened to the glow and it took me straight back to january... january was like a room in which sadness burned all around, keeping me warm and comforting me with the truthful familiarity of intense sorrow. and phil elvrim's voice took me back there, to that time and that place inside my soul.
on saturday i went with mel to visit jeff in rehab. i arrived and departed with the same mixed feelings; it was splendid to see jeff so gloriously content with the world, but i worry about aa and the way it tends to brainwash people and make their lives small and one dimensional. i don't want to be puting it down, but i can't help being skeptical; i guess it's because i saw the way it stole matt away from us, from the real world. i don't like the way the program makes people feel like they are so delicate and must be so careful not to talk to the wrong people or go to the wrong places or do the wrong activities or let them find themselves in any situation that might be tempting. the fact of the matter is, temptation exists and it always will and they ought to be trying to help people live with it instead of avoid it. people become as dependent on aa as they were to their substance and while it isn't as physically harmful, it is psychologically impairing. i asked jeff if the program he's in acknowledges any value of friendships and he said that each individual's personal sobriety has to become the priority for which he is willing to sacrifice even friends. i just think that's wretched. being sober can free a person and improve their life, but going to meetings every night to talk about being sober and to eliminate all aspects of your life that happened to occur during the time you were using is unhealthy and unpleasant. i hope jeff realises that he can still live his life the way he wants to and not succumb to relapsing, because that should be the true goal.
ultimately, though, it IS more important to me that rehab has helped jeff so much.
this has been a rather personal entry... oh well.
i bought my ticket for the mt. eerie show and then i came home last night and listened to the glow and it took me straight back to january... january was like a room in which sadness burned all around, keeping me warm and comforting me with the truthful familiarity of intense sorrow. and phil elvrim's voice took me back there, to that time and that place inside my soul.
on saturday i went with mel to visit jeff in rehab. i arrived and departed with the same mixed feelings; it was splendid to see jeff so gloriously content with the world, but i worry about aa and the way it tends to brainwash people and make their lives small and one dimensional. i don't want to be puting it down, but i can't help being skeptical; i guess it's because i saw the way it stole matt away from us, from the real world. i don't like the way the program makes people feel like they are so delicate and must be so careful not to talk to the wrong people or go to the wrong places or do the wrong activities or let them find themselves in any situation that might be tempting. the fact of the matter is, temptation exists and it always will and they ought to be trying to help people live with it instead of avoid it. people become as dependent on aa as they were to their substance and while it isn't as physically harmful, it is psychologically impairing. i asked jeff if the program he's in acknowledges any value of friendships and he said that each individual's personal sobriety has to become the priority for which he is willing to sacrifice even friends. i just think that's wretched. being sober can free a person and improve their life, but going to meetings every night to talk about being sober and to eliminate all aspects of your life that happened to occur during the time you were using is unhealthy and unpleasant. i hope jeff realises that he can still live his life the way he wants to and not succumb to relapsing, because that should be the true goal.
ultimately, though, it IS more important to me that rehab has helped jeff so much.
this has been a rather personal entry... oh well.