(no subject)
my thoughts couldnt be more sorted....
its as if every emotion is an annoying fly buzzing in my ear...it seems the harder i try to bat them away, more come, buzzing louder than the one before it.
youd think losing someone in your family would be easy when you didnt really grow up with one in the first place.
the death here may only be metaphorical...and yet i still feel as though it would be appropriate to wear black to mourne not only the loss of one of the only people i can say ive ever truly loved and cared for in any way, and also what may have been the last piece of my heart that still felt un-tainted. i almost feel as if this loss means starting allover. alone.
at least before i knew i could call him....i knew i could talk to him....he was the closest thing to a father i had ever known, and after all was said and done, perhaps the resemblence was a little too close. the only difference being it took him 16 years instead of two to leave. my strength was knowing that he would always be there. my heart was knowing that if he could love me as his own daughter, that surely someone out there could love me the way i thought he always would...without manipulation, without heartache.
i dont think it would be possible to ever again suffer a betrayal of such importance. ive learned to let everyone else go. ive learned to be ok with the family i never had, and the love i never received. i know im not as worthless and ugly as so many of my childhood memories ingrained into my subconscious.
the sad thing is i only know that because he told me so. i only believed him because i had nothing else to believe in. i had no one else to trust. i thought i had a father, and a friend in life. but it seems as though i was wrong. he was no different than any other man in my life. he left.
strange thing is....accepting that hes gone, i dont feel pain. just an empty pit in my stomach that refuses to leave, as stubborn as the flies buzzing in my ears.
its as if every emotion is an annoying fly buzzing in my ear...it seems the harder i try to bat them away, more come, buzzing louder than the one before it.
youd think losing someone in your family would be easy when you didnt really grow up with one in the first place.
the death here may only be metaphorical...and yet i still feel as though it would be appropriate to wear black to mourne not only the loss of one of the only people i can say ive ever truly loved and cared for in any way, and also what may have been the last piece of my heart that still felt un-tainted. i almost feel as if this loss means starting allover. alone.
at least before i knew i could call him....i knew i could talk to him....he was the closest thing to a father i had ever known, and after all was said and done, perhaps the resemblence was a little too close. the only difference being it took him 16 years instead of two to leave. my strength was knowing that he would always be there. my heart was knowing that if he could love me as his own daughter, that surely someone out there could love me the way i thought he always would...without manipulation, without heartache.
i dont think it would be possible to ever again suffer a betrayal of such importance. ive learned to let everyone else go. ive learned to be ok with the family i never had, and the love i never received. i know im not as worthless and ugly as so many of my childhood memories ingrained into my subconscious.
the sad thing is i only know that because he told me so. i only believed him because i had nothing else to believe in. i had no one else to trust. i thought i had a father, and a friend in life. but it seems as though i was wrong. he was no different than any other man in my life. he left.
strange thing is....accepting that hes gone, i dont feel pain. just an empty pit in my stomach that refuses to leave, as stubborn as the flies buzzing in my ears.