Audience Participation 5: Do you see yourself differently now?
Short answer: YES... and No.
The trip changed my view of myself in a number of ways. But it kind of gave me back to myself, rather than me becoming a 'different person'.
My self-perception had changed a lot in the past couple of years, due to a big health crisis that left me feeling rather feeble and helpless and useless. None of which is strictly true, but it was starting to feel true. The universe kept giving me closed doors, instead of opening ones - or maybe those are the only doors I was seeing.
It felt good to go off on an adventure. It felt good to cope ok. It felt good to cope well. It felt like breaking the evil fairy's spell.
Along the way, I had some time to reflect on things from my past... some of them from my far-distant past. We all have aspects of ourselves we don't always feel comfortable with, that don't seem to fit the picture we are busy presenting to the world (or just to ourselves). Jung called these aspects 'the shadow' and some of his work is about reclaim these lost pieces of ourselves. All the bits we edit out of our "adapted self', but which are part of the complexity of our 'true' selves.
I reclaimed a love of the countryside, and of lonely walks. As a seventeen year old, I seem to have decided that you have to be athletic to do such things. I have no idea why. So I just put all that into a box, and clamped down the lid. Into that box went a love of travel and adventure. The box appeared to be labelled "Not For the Likes Of Us" (or something similar).
I also reclaimed 'strong', 'capable', 'peaceful', 'silent', 'funny', 'tolerant', 'kind', 'desirable', 'creative', 'handy', 'perceptive', 'adaptable', 'brave', 'easygoing' and 'interesting' - wow, it had been a long time since I felt interesting. It had been a long time since I felt I was any of those things, even sometimes.
While other people's views of me were part of that. Much of this came from me looking inside myself. Maybe its just that I felt like I was capable of being all those positive attributes?
Things that have startled folks back home - my new hair colour for example - didn't startle my arcadian acquaintances: several of them told me they found the hair "very you".
I surprised myself with the hair, but I love it now I have it. That helps me see myself - literally - a little differently. In spite of being stared at - being stared at wasn't part of the equation when I had the head done! I like that most people smile if I catch them staring... When I was a teenager, I quite wanted blue or green hair. I wanted to honour that desire. But I didn't think a solid coloured hair helmet would suit, so I thought go with streaks. And I couldn't decide on a colour... blue? red? green? purple? then I thought, "why do I have to choose, why can't I have them all why can't I have a rainbow?" So I did:
EDIT: I also see myself as capable of being breathtakingly selfish - yet no-one has died or even suffered serious or lasting injury...
The trip changed my view of myself in a number of ways. But it kind of gave me back to myself, rather than me becoming a 'different person'.
My self-perception had changed a lot in the past couple of years, due to a big health crisis that left me feeling rather feeble and helpless and useless. None of which is strictly true, but it was starting to feel true. The universe kept giving me closed doors, instead of opening ones - or maybe those are the only doors I was seeing.
It felt good to go off on an adventure. It felt good to cope ok. It felt good to cope well. It felt like breaking the evil fairy's spell.
Along the way, I had some time to reflect on things from my past... some of them from my far-distant past. We all have aspects of ourselves we don't always feel comfortable with, that don't seem to fit the picture we are busy presenting to the world (or just to ourselves). Jung called these aspects 'the shadow' and some of his work is about reclaim these lost pieces of ourselves. All the bits we edit out of our "adapted self', but which are part of the complexity of our 'true' selves.
I reclaimed a love of the countryside, and of lonely walks. As a seventeen year old, I seem to have decided that you have to be athletic to do such things. I have no idea why. So I just put all that into a box, and clamped down the lid. Into that box went a love of travel and adventure. The box appeared to be labelled "Not For the Likes Of Us" (or something similar).
I also reclaimed 'strong', 'capable', 'peaceful', 'silent', 'funny', 'tolerant', 'kind', 'desirable', 'creative', 'handy', 'perceptive', 'adaptable', 'brave', 'easygoing' and 'interesting' - wow, it had been a long time since I felt interesting. It had been a long time since I felt I was any of those things, even sometimes.
While other people's views of me were part of that. Much of this came from me looking inside myself. Maybe its just that I felt like I was capable of being all those positive attributes?
Things that have startled folks back home - my new hair colour for example - didn't startle my arcadian acquaintances: several of them told me they found the hair "very you".
I surprised myself with the hair, but I love it now I have it. That helps me see myself - literally - a little differently. In spite of being stared at - being stared at wasn't part of the equation when I had the head done! I like that most people smile if I catch them staring... When I was a teenager, I quite wanted blue or green hair. I wanted to honour that desire. But I didn't think a solid coloured hair helmet would suit, so I thought go with streaks. And I couldn't decide on a colour... blue? red? green? purple? then I thought, "why do I have to choose, why can't I have them all why can't I have a rainbow?" So I did:
EDIT: I also see myself as capable of being breathtakingly selfish - yet no-one has died or even suffered serious or lasting injury...