another public post... I'm going to pay for these...

[lostinacloset]

I know that my livejournal has basicly boiled down to a place to vent about my hectic "love life" or whatever the hell you want to call it. I'm sorry that a lot of you have gotten too tired of my bitching and complaining to read it, but I'm glad you arent telling me to shut the fuck up... cause even though I tell myself that all the time I can't seem to do it. At any rate -- Last night I had a discussion with Emily about our future together, or really just an over view of what has been going on for the past 8 or so months. We pretty much said (meaning, she suggested and I went along with) we are pretty much together but without the titles because that would be "too much stress" for her to handle, and that she wasn't ready to get back together with me... but she is at the same time. We are considering each other single... and we are able to "do whatever we want"... but honestly I don't want so do anything/be with anyone else. She said that if I ever were to say kiss another girl, she wouldn't want to know about it... and that I wasn't supposed to tell her if I did (yea fucking right, who wants to kiss me besides her? honestly...)but I made her promise me that she would tell me if she did anything with another guy (which would only really amt to kissing unless she is going to be totally different with a guy than she was with me...) because she tried to justify it with "well if it didn't mean anything then I don't see why I should have to tell you if it's only going to hurt your feelings" but a) if it isn't going to mean anything then why fucking do it in the first place, eh? and b) what the fuck? you don't want to tell me because it'll hurt my feelings? since when have you cared that your actions may hurt my feelings? you do what you want, remember? that dance? the "break"? certain parties? certain guys? come on now... don't give me that. You may regret it after, but certainly not in the planning/acting out stages. I would just rather you not say it didn't mean anything cause if it had no meaning you wouldn't do it in the first place.
I kinda justified my "tell me if you do anything, just so I won't be oblivious to the fact that you're out doing stuff with other guys" with the fact that we've always been honest with each other, and we've never lied to one another... and I feel that not telling would be lying in a sense... so whatever.

So basicly, I'm sand bagging my heart so the sadness and jealousy won't flood my system and make me a bad person. I don't deal with jealousy real well, and all it'll do is piss me off... but I don't want her to not do something she wants to because of how I feel... although I kindof don't want her to do anything. I just don't to feel like I am "on hold" while she is doing her own thing... and I am just kindof sidelined watching... or not watching because I can't see through my tear swollen eyes. Sometimes I hate being so emotional about things... good Lord, how come I can't be all "hard" about things like other guys do and when shit happens with a girl they are just like, "eh... fuck it. who cares?!" -- I can never not care like that, not saying that I want to do that, but I just want to not be so dramatic and hurt by certain things. Oh well, I am going to shut up now.

Thanks for your time... even if you didn't read it.