... silence surrounds me ...
first i am going to do a poem. and then i will update so please be patient.
silence surrounds me,
and emptiness overwhelms me,
desperate for comfort,
dying for the truth.
loneliness,
and heartache,
discomfort,
and annoyed,
bitterness,
and discontent,
and the need for someone,
for something,
to make me breath again,
though i am breathing,
i am very much still dead,
and though if you cut me i would still bleed,
id very much hope id bleed to death.
So lately as you may know or maybe you dont i dunno really. all depending on if you stay updated on the life of me. in the matter of the past umm like 4 weeks or so, during this duration i have dumped someone, fell in love, had complications, made new friends, regained some old ones, and came to the realization in my life that sometimes love and life isnt always perfect, and if your needing both of them your willing to wait. today i spent my day around my house, for the first time doing what i wanted to do. when i wanted to. i took about a 3 hour long nap, with my windows open so the mugginess could get in. maybe muggy isnt the word maybe its humidity. anyways, its that feeling that dampness that makes you so tired, and if you sleep with a fan on you it might just give you the chills and keep your feet cold for the rest of the day. \though i hate feet. \ so i woke up, the rents were gone, and i just kinda made my own way downstairs, not really having a purpose but just walking because i needed to. my body was telling me that movement was something it needed. So then i went to the basement, and watched the body guard. from approximately like 8 - 10: 15. but while i was sitting there i realized that there was so much quietness that i hadnt experienced in a long time. and thats where i came to realize how truely alone i have been feeling. honestly my life hasnt been the same since you walked in it. i began to have an attachment to you, and i began to realize how great it felt to need someone, and to truely love someone. so i know exactly how she must feel. towards you. i hold no grudges. for i understand that you need her and that you love her, and that she needs you and that she loves you. i get that. maybe it was because she had you for so long that her feelings and your feelings have progressed into something that no one else can even imagine, and in that case i understand why you went back to her. because feelings are something that are very hard, and difficult to overcome. so as long as the two of you are happy, thats all i need. and i have granted her wishes. i have been tryin to stay out of your life, or at least to the point where she feels as though i may be replacing her. i wont be showing up often anymore, and though i feel it wont be often enough the chances that i get to see you. i still understand. and i realize the intenseness that she is goign through. and i understand why that girl would want to kill me. she's lucky to have you. whether you notice that or not. whether you read this or not. i state that she is lucky to have you. I mean i feel lucky enough to have you been in my life for this past month. i mean i am blessed whether you realize it or not, you may have regrets towards me, and you may feel sorry for me, for i never meant to hurt you like this. these words arent intended to hurt you or to hurt anyone. so please dont take of them that way. and i hope you dont regret me, though my hopes arent really a matter anymore. but if you do read this. please understand that i never lived, and i never breathed before you came in my life. now these days i go around just walking. and just being swallowed by this blah. so maybe i have gone back to my old ways. in the future i hope to be able to talk to you again. though i dont know whether you want that or anything. but i never wanted to mess things up with you and her, and i hope you realize that. i hope she realizes that. i cherish you, and our memories, and i will continue to hold on to them, and reminse in them for as long as it may take for me to be able to realize that things will be better again. though not knowing whether they really will be or not.