Fic: Inside Out, Giles/Xander, R (FRM)
Title: Inside Out (6 of 6)
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
--Giles--
Giles saw Anya come out from around the corner and head back to her room, but he didn't think it was a good idea to say anything, at least not until he'd found out from Xander how it had gone. He leaned against the trunk of Xander's car, his hands shoved into his pockets. Just then he rather wished he had something else to do with them; something else to do in general.
His mind was heavy with thinking about it all. He still couldn't tell how Xander felt, about Anya, about them, about anything. In truth, he wasn't sure how he felt either. There was guilt, of course, because Anya hadn't deserved to have them making eyes at one another behind her back. And if he knew, really knew, that Xander wanted to be with him, he'd have welcomed a relationship with the young man, but . . . After everything that had happened, that he'd heard, Giles wasn't sure he could really know that.
Xander came around the corner, just when Giles was beginning to think he should go and check on him. He looked . . . Giles couldn't decide on that. Xander seemed too blank, and Giles wasn't sure what that meant.
"She's going to rent a car," he finally said, stopping just a little in front of Giles. His head was down, not meeting Giles' gaze.
"Then we should . . ." Giles gestured to the car, resisting the urge to ducked down until he could see Xander's eyes.
"Yeah." Xander glanced over to the room from which Anya had come, and then he sighed. Giles wanted to reach out a hand, but he wasn't sure of his welcome and he didn't want Xander to think he was pushing. "Do you mind if we get breakfast on the road?" Xander asked, turning and heading for the driver's door.
Giles sighed to himself, heading back to the passenger's seat. He caught a glance at the desk clerk, who was still watching them. Giles gave the man a glare before he slid into the car.
The drive back to Sunnydale was something akin to hell. Giles didn't want to interrupt Xander's thoughts--Admit it, you're more afraid of what he'll say if you do.--and Xander didn't seem inclined to share. Breakfast was fast food, which Giles barely touched, mostly because he kept glancing over at Xander, wondering how he could drive with one hand full of breakfast sandwich. By the time he turned his concentration to his own food, it was cold and even more unappetizing.
He thought about trying to sleep, but he didn't want to leave Xander thoughtful and, basically, alone. He wanted to be awake if Xander did decide he wanted to talk. Xander kept up the minimum of conversation. Occasionally, asking if the radio station was all right, or asking how Giles' meal was. Giles gave monosyllabic answers, unsure what else to say, or whether Xander would even hear it if he said more.
It was almost a relief when, finally, they pulled up to the curb in front of Giles' flat. Xander parked the car, but didn't move to get out and Giles wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't just leave, not without saying something.
"I'm sorry," Xander said before the words--the exact same words--had a chance to make it off Giles' tongue. "I know this weekend has been . . . Kinda hell, similar, anyway, with the demons, but . . . I'm just sorry."
Giles nodded. "As am I . . . The other night, I--"
"Don't," Xander said, his face going worryingly blank. "You've got nothing to apologize for, okay? I did stupid things, and you were near me at the time, but they're not really your stupid things, so just . . ." Xander shook his head, which didn't making his feelings any more clear. Well, except for the fact that he didn't want to talk about it.
Giles hated leaving things this way, hated not knowing what was happening between them. Still, he wasn't about to force Xander into a discussion that could only end badly, at this point. Time, he hoped, would help Xander sort things out and Giles would be patient.
"I'll see you soon," Giles said, even though he wasn't entirely sure it was true.
"Sure. I'll probably . . . Oh, uh, Anya's not going to be showing for work . . ." Xander gave Giles an apologetic smile. It was small, weak expression, but the first smile Giles had seen on Xander's face all day, and therefore reassuring.
"I had guessed," Giles replied, his hand moving to the release handle on the car door. He didn't particularly want to go, either. Mentally rolling his eyes at himself, Giles straightened. "I'll see you soon," he repeated.
He felt a little bit better when Xander said, "Tomorrow."
Giles got out of the car and waited for Xander to pop the trunk. He kept glancing at the back of Xander's head, calling himself a fool in every one of the languages he knew. Xander waved to him as Giles headed toward his flat.
It was a relief to be home. Not enough of relief that the last few days melted away and ceased to matter, but then he had just stepped in the door. Giles put his things down, leaving putting them away for later, and went to the kitchen to make tea. Just putting the kettle on helped to clear his mind, the simple ritual clearing away the mental clutter and allowing him to think while he waited for the water to boil.
Xander had been through so much in the past week, and thinking about it in that light only made his reluctance easier to understand. Though it felt to Giles as if months had passed, Xander had only had a week to come to grips with several life-changing things. Was it any wonder he treaded carefully, especially after the way his and Anya's relationship had ended?
Beyond that, there was always the chance that what had been between them had been a way of coping with so many huge things. There was, Giles had to admit despite how tight it made his chest, a chance that Xander might not want to see where things between them were heading, might not want to continue. And, if that was the case, Giles promised himself that he would let it be, that he would not let this change friendship between Xander and himself.
That resolution helped a little, but it only barely dimmed Giles' wish that Xander had come inside with him.
------
--Xander--
He was just going to take Willow's camping gear back to her. That was all. Xander repeated that to himself over and over as he waited for the stoplight near Giles' apartment to turn green. He wasn't going to tell her about any of this, not until he knew what there was to tell and how he felt about it.
He wasn't going to say a word. Xander nodded to himself, still staring up at the red light. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, his kneeing bobbing up and down. How long did this damn light take? When it finally turned, Xander probably hit the gas a little too hard.
Calm down, he told himself. You are not in a hurry to get anywhere, and even when you do get there, you're not going to say anything. You're going to give her back her camping stuff. He started practicing in his head. It never hurt, he knew, to have your nonchalance planned.
Tara opened the door when Xander knocked. She smiled that shy smile at him and Xander groaned inside. There was no way he was going to keep himself from spilling everything if she kept looking at him.
"Hey! Is Willow here? I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you, but I was kinda hoping she'd be around. Uh, just so I could give her her stuff." Xander held up the sleeping bag and things that she'd leant them. "I mean, she does live here, so--since I'm just here to give her this--I could just, you know, drop it and leave, but that would be rude. Right? I mean, just leaving her stuff and not at least saying hi?" Xander walked into the dorm room. It wasn't that he didn't notice Tara's amused expression, it was just that he had way too many thoughts circling his mind to comment.
"She's at the library, but she should be back in five or ten minutes," Tara said. There was a silence and Xander was afraid to open his mouth to fill it, afraid of what might rush out and land, flopping, at Tara's feet. Okay, so thoughts didn't normally flop, but Xander had the image of a huge fish in his head from somewhere and couldn't stop seeing it that way. "So, you're back from camping." It wasn't really a question and her tone didn't imply it was. Obviously he was back from camping, since he was . . . back from camping and all.
"Yes." That came out way squeakier than Xander had intended.
"Is everything okay?" Tara's big eyes went wider now, and Xander knew he hadn't played that right. He failed at practiced nonchalance.
"Umm . . ." he swallowed and felt it all the way down to his toes. "Yeah?"
Tara's eyebrows rose, but she ducked her head, so they kinda stayed in the same place. "Okay." She didn't push. Willow would have pushed. Well, okay, maybe not pushed, so much as looked at him, but it amounted to the same thing in Xander's book.
"Oh God, I've ruined everything." Xander slumped onto the bed and stared miserably at his shoes. Silence followed his admission, long enough that Xander thought Tara wasn't going to say anything. He almost opened his mouth, ready to ask her if he could just wait here for Willow.
"What happened?" Tara sat down on the bed next to him and Xander glanced up to see her looking determined.
"Anya hates me. Giles probably hates me, too. Even though he's trying to be nice." Xander sighed, shrugging. "All three of us going was a really stupid idea. Giles tried to tell me, but I just had to have him." Xander realized what he'd said and his head flew up. "No, not like have him have him, I just meant . . . Yeah, I know. I need to learn to stop while I'm only a few miles behind." Xander hung his head again, sighing.
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. What happened, exactly?"
Xander shrugged. "Anya caught me kissing Giles." Why didn't just saying that make him more upset? Two weeks ago he would have laughed at the idea, but now . . . And, apparently, before. Damn. I left Anya for Giles. Not this time, this time I screwed up, but another time. Xander knew his mouth was hanging open. He heard Tara say his name, but he felt dumbstruck. It was finally creeping in. Hours on the road, trying not to think about anything at all, and now it was getting in that he'd left her for Giles and she'd made a wish and . . . He should be furious, but instead he just kept seeing himself holding a black candle and watching Amy dip Cordelia's necklace into a smoking pot of . . . something. Seeing all the women in Sunnydale with hatchets and knives and really crazy looks in their eyes.
The click of the door opening finally got through to him. The door opening meant Willow and, while he knew Tara was trying to help, and loved her for it, it was his best friend that he wanted to see, to talk to.
Willow stopped just inside the door, a wide smile on her face. Her arms were full of books, but she shut the door with her foot, setting her books down and nearly vibrating with excitement. "You're back!" Then she seemed to realize he wasn't supposed to be back until later. Her smile faded around the edges, her eyes widening. "What happened?"
Xander made up his mind. He wasn't going to tell her. He was going to tell her that he was just dropping off the camping equipment. Then he was going to flee, because Willow had always seen right through him. He stood up, pointing to the camping equipment. "Anya caught me kissing Giles." Xander actually blinked. Even he was surprised.
Willow's eyes went even wider. "Oh, Xander," she said, her voice filled with sympathy.
Xander gave up. He sat on the bed and then slumped back. Lying there, staring at the ceiling, he told them everything. Tara stayed instead of running to get stuff, but Xander didn't mind. He'd have been surprised if Willow hadn't told Tara. Willow wasn't all that good at keeping things from people, after all, and Tara was her girlfriend.
It was kind of nice. Getting it all out. He told them about the fight with Anya at the motel, even about the wish. Willow gasped, rearing up from her place beside him with an expression that said someone was getting glared at. "She wished what? How could she do that? I mean . . . What was . . ." Willow shook her head, her mouth still moving even though no words were coming out. She seemed to catch Xander's expression then. "Aren't you mad at her?"
Xander shrugged, trying to explain. "I don't know. I guess. It's just . . . I keep thinking about that spell I did with Amy."
Willow's face cleared then, her mouth scrunching up all onto one side of her face. That was an expression Xander hadn't seen in a while, and despite everything it made him feel a little better. Willow looked up to Tara then, smiling. "He once cast a love spell on all the women of Sunnydale."
Tara's eyes went round and she looked at Xander in surprise. He nodded. "It wasn't supposed to go that way, but . . . Spells." He waved his hand and shrugged.
"But . . ." Tara shook her head, looking between Willow and Xander. "Aren't you guys worried? I mean . . . What else might have changed? Everything could be different and we wouldn't even know it."
Almost as one, the three of them looked around the room, as if something unexpected might jump out of the shadows.
"Seems quiet," Willow said.
"Yup. If it's different at least it's not eating us." Xander smiled as Willow nodded firmly.
"There's not much we can really do," Willow told Tara, moving to sit on the other side of Xander, next to Tara. "But, we'll try to find Anya's vengeance buddy and straighten this all out. It's like the thing with Jonathan," she said. "We found out that he'd changed everything and we put it back. The thing is, the only way to really undo a wish like this is to take out a demon's power center."
"Hence, Anya," Xander said, hearing her voice in his head again. Being on the outside of everything, with everything being so . . . human. Even talking about Anya made his chest tight. Talking led to thinking and thinking led to remembering, which wouldn't have been bad except so many of the memories were good. They'd had fun, in with the insanity. He had cared about her. Still did. He wanted her to be happy.
Tara still didn't look convinced. Willow slid an arm around Tara to comfort her and it reminded him of Giles, of the night that he'd found out about the half-demon stuff. Giles had reached out, laid his hand on Xander's shoulders and . . . Xander had felt better. Not great, but just a little bit better. He could still remember the way it had felt. The weight of Giles' hand, the warmth of his fingers as they closed around Xander's shoulder.
"Wow," Xander said. The silence that greeted his revelation snapped Xander out of his thoughts. Willow and Tara were looking at him with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, Xander, please tell me you're not indulging in some sordid lesbian fantasy?" Willow said, her face doing that 'creeped out' thing.
Xander grinned. "Nope, no girls in my head at all."
"That's a first," Willow replied and then her eyes narrowed in an attempt at suspicion. "Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Giles has been guest starring in there for years." She grinned, poking Xander with her toe.
Xander opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. "That's none of your business. I gotta go."
"Go where?" Willow asked, pouting a little. "I figured you were hiding out here until Anya finished getting her stuff, and we could watch foreign movies and eat ice cream."
"Oh," Xander said, blinking. "I didn't think about that." Then another thought hit. "I don't think Anya did either." Then he shook his head, looking back to Willow with a slightly nervous smile. "I made up my mind," he said.
She grinned, even bounced a little. "So? You're going to Giles'?"
"Yeah. Oh, God, no." Xander whimpered a little. "Okay, my mind's made up, but I'm still pretty nervous. I mean, I yelled at him last night, and I barely talked to him all day in the car, and I know he's got to be mad." Xander thumped his head back against the bed.
"Better to apologize sooner, rather than later," Tara said. She wore a serious expression, but Xander thought she was trying not to laugh.
"It is?" Both Willow and Tara nodded, wearing almost making expression. Yup, definitely trying not to smile, at least. "Right. Okay. Going to Giles'." He didn't move. Willow and Tara had to push him off the bed before he actually got to his feet, and that only worked because the dorm floors were hard.
"Okay, okay," he said, holding up his hands. "But if he tells me to get stuffed, I'm coming right back."
Willow snorted. "Xander, if Giles tells you to 'get stuffed', I'll . . . Okay, I don't know what, but it would be something really unlikely."
Xander took a deep breath, and left with a wave to the girls. If he was going to do this . . . He was going to do this. He kept telling himself, over and over, that it should be easy, but . . . It wasn't. He'd screwed up every relationship he'd ever had, and while that was basically a grand total of 'two' it wasn't a good sign. Maybe Giles didn't even want . . . anything with him. Okay, so the kissing probably meant that Giles wasn't repulsed by him or anything, but Giles kept stopping things.
Because you were with Anya, Xander's inner voice chimed in. The same reason you should have stopped things. But Xander didn't know that that was the reason. Not for sure. By the time he stood in front of Giles' door with his hand raised to knock, he'd come up with ten other excellent reasons. He knocked despite the fact that his knees felt as if they were going to fold out from under him.
Giles wasn't wearing his glasses when he answered. His shirt sleeves were rolled up, too, and Xander had to pull his eyes away from Giles' arms. Of course, standing there, looking Giles in the eye, was even worse on his nerves. He'd planned out his speech on the way over, but it must have been cowering at the back of his mind, because he couldn't think of a single word of it. He was quiet long enough for Giles' expression to get worried.
"Xander? Is everything all rig--"
Giles never got to finish the sentence. Xander dove forward and kissed him. Hard. A little too hard, maybe, because Giles stumbled backwards, but his arms also slid around Xander. Could just be to keep himself from falling over. Later, he knew, they'd talk. They'd have to, but if he could just keep Giles' mouth busy a little longer, they might not have to do it tonight.
Then Giles was kissing him back. Even harder. Xander bumped the edge of the door, which was probably a good thing, since it closed it. Then he was pressed against it, Giles' body pressing along his own. He could feel the other man's warmth, feel the weight of him. Xander moaned into the kiss, not really sure when his hands had moved up into Giles' hair, but not really caring, either.
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
--Giles--
Giles saw Anya come out from around the corner and head back to her room, but he didn't think it was a good idea to say anything, at least not until he'd found out from Xander how it had gone. He leaned against the trunk of Xander's car, his hands shoved into his pockets. Just then he rather wished he had something else to do with them; something else to do in general.
His mind was heavy with thinking about it all. He still couldn't tell how Xander felt, about Anya, about them, about anything. In truth, he wasn't sure how he felt either. There was guilt, of course, because Anya hadn't deserved to have them making eyes at one another behind her back. And if he knew, really knew, that Xander wanted to be with him, he'd have welcomed a relationship with the young man, but . . . After everything that had happened, that he'd heard, Giles wasn't sure he could really know that.
Xander came around the corner, just when Giles was beginning to think he should go and check on him. He looked . . . Giles couldn't decide on that. Xander seemed too blank, and Giles wasn't sure what that meant.
"She's going to rent a car," he finally said, stopping just a little in front of Giles. His head was down, not meeting Giles' gaze.
"Then we should . . ." Giles gestured to the car, resisting the urge to ducked down until he could see Xander's eyes.
"Yeah." Xander glanced over to the room from which Anya had come, and then he sighed. Giles wanted to reach out a hand, but he wasn't sure of his welcome and he didn't want Xander to think he was pushing. "Do you mind if we get breakfast on the road?" Xander asked, turning and heading for the driver's door.
Giles sighed to himself, heading back to the passenger's seat. He caught a glance at the desk clerk, who was still watching them. Giles gave the man a glare before he slid into the car.
The drive back to Sunnydale was something akin to hell. Giles didn't want to interrupt Xander's thoughts--Admit it, you're more afraid of what he'll say if you do.--and Xander didn't seem inclined to share. Breakfast was fast food, which Giles barely touched, mostly because he kept glancing over at Xander, wondering how he could drive with one hand full of breakfast sandwich. By the time he turned his concentration to his own food, it was cold and even more unappetizing.
He thought about trying to sleep, but he didn't want to leave Xander thoughtful and, basically, alone. He wanted to be awake if Xander did decide he wanted to talk. Xander kept up the minimum of conversation. Occasionally, asking if the radio station was all right, or asking how Giles' meal was. Giles gave monosyllabic answers, unsure what else to say, or whether Xander would even hear it if he said more.
It was almost a relief when, finally, they pulled up to the curb in front of Giles' flat. Xander parked the car, but didn't move to get out and Giles wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't just leave, not without saying something.
"I'm sorry," Xander said before the words--the exact same words--had a chance to make it off Giles' tongue. "I know this weekend has been . . . Kinda hell, similar, anyway, with the demons, but . . . I'm just sorry."
Giles nodded. "As am I . . . The other night, I--"
"Don't," Xander said, his face going worryingly blank. "You've got nothing to apologize for, okay? I did stupid things, and you were near me at the time, but they're not really your stupid things, so just . . ." Xander shook his head, which didn't making his feelings any more clear. Well, except for the fact that he didn't want to talk about it.
Giles hated leaving things this way, hated not knowing what was happening between them. Still, he wasn't about to force Xander into a discussion that could only end badly, at this point. Time, he hoped, would help Xander sort things out and Giles would be patient.
"I'll see you soon," Giles said, even though he wasn't entirely sure it was true.
"Sure. I'll probably . . . Oh, uh, Anya's not going to be showing for work . . ." Xander gave Giles an apologetic smile. It was small, weak expression, but the first smile Giles had seen on Xander's face all day, and therefore reassuring.
"I had guessed," Giles replied, his hand moving to the release handle on the car door. He didn't particularly want to go, either. Mentally rolling his eyes at himself, Giles straightened. "I'll see you soon," he repeated.
He felt a little bit better when Xander said, "Tomorrow."
Giles got out of the car and waited for Xander to pop the trunk. He kept glancing at the back of Xander's head, calling himself a fool in every one of the languages he knew. Xander waved to him as Giles headed toward his flat.
It was a relief to be home. Not enough of relief that the last few days melted away and ceased to matter, but then he had just stepped in the door. Giles put his things down, leaving putting them away for later, and went to the kitchen to make tea. Just putting the kettle on helped to clear his mind, the simple ritual clearing away the mental clutter and allowing him to think while he waited for the water to boil.
Xander had been through so much in the past week, and thinking about it in that light only made his reluctance easier to understand. Though it felt to Giles as if months had passed, Xander had only had a week to come to grips with several life-changing things. Was it any wonder he treaded carefully, especially after the way his and Anya's relationship had ended?
Beyond that, there was always the chance that what had been between them had been a way of coping with so many huge things. There was, Giles had to admit despite how tight it made his chest, a chance that Xander might not want to see where things between them were heading, might not want to continue. And, if that was the case, Giles promised himself that he would let it be, that he would not let this change friendship between Xander and himself.
That resolution helped a little, but it only barely dimmed Giles' wish that Xander had come inside with him.
------
--Xander--
He was just going to take Willow's camping gear back to her. That was all. Xander repeated that to himself over and over as he waited for the stoplight near Giles' apartment to turn green. He wasn't going to tell her about any of this, not until he knew what there was to tell and how he felt about it.
He wasn't going to say a word. Xander nodded to himself, still staring up at the red light. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, his kneeing bobbing up and down. How long did this damn light take? When it finally turned, Xander probably hit the gas a little too hard.
Calm down, he told himself. You are not in a hurry to get anywhere, and even when you do get there, you're not going to say anything. You're going to give her back her camping stuff. He started practicing in his head. It never hurt, he knew, to have your nonchalance planned.
Tara opened the door when Xander knocked. She smiled that shy smile at him and Xander groaned inside. There was no way he was going to keep himself from spilling everything if she kept looking at him.
"Hey! Is Willow here? I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you, but I was kinda hoping she'd be around. Uh, just so I could give her her stuff." Xander held up the sleeping bag and things that she'd leant them. "I mean, she does live here, so--since I'm just here to give her this--I could just, you know, drop it and leave, but that would be rude. Right? I mean, just leaving her stuff and not at least saying hi?" Xander walked into the dorm room. It wasn't that he didn't notice Tara's amused expression, it was just that he had way too many thoughts circling his mind to comment.
"She's at the library, but she should be back in five or ten minutes," Tara said. There was a silence and Xander was afraid to open his mouth to fill it, afraid of what might rush out and land, flopping, at Tara's feet. Okay, so thoughts didn't normally flop, but Xander had the image of a huge fish in his head from somewhere and couldn't stop seeing it that way. "So, you're back from camping." It wasn't really a question and her tone didn't imply it was. Obviously he was back from camping, since he was . . . back from camping and all.
"Yes." That came out way squeakier than Xander had intended.
"Is everything okay?" Tara's big eyes went wider now, and Xander knew he hadn't played that right. He failed at practiced nonchalance.
"Umm . . ." he swallowed and felt it all the way down to his toes. "Yeah?"
Tara's eyebrows rose, but she ducked her head, so they kinda stayed in the same place. "Okay." She didn't push. Willow would have pushed. Well, okay, maybe not pushed, so much as looked at him, but it amounted to the same thing in Xander's book.
"Oh God, I've ruined everything." Xander slumped onto the bed and stared miserably at his shoes. Silence followed his admission, long enough that Xander thought Tara wasn't going to say anything. He almost opened his mouth, ready to ask her if he could just wait here for Willow.
"What happened?" Tara sat down on the bed next to him and Xander glanced up to see her looking determined.
"Anya hates me. Giles probably hates me, too. Even though he's trying to be nice." Xander sighed, shrugging. "All three of us going was a really stupid idea. Giles tried to tell me, but I just had to have him." Xander realized what he'd said and his head flew up. "No, not like have him have him, I just meant . . . Yeah, I know. I need to learn to stop while I'm only a few miles behind." Xander hung his head again, sighing.
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. What happened, exactly?"
Xander shrugged. "Anya caught me kissing Giles." Why didn't just saying that make him more upset? Two weeks ago he would have laughed at the idea, but now . . . And, apparently, before. Damn. I left Anya for Giles. Not this time, this time I screwed up, but another time. Xander knew his mouth was hanging open. He heard Tara say his name, but he felt dumbstruck. It was finally creeping in. Hours on the road, trying not to think about anything at all, and now it was getting in that he'd left her for Giles and she'd made a wish and . . . He should be furious, but instead he just kept seeing himself holding a black candle and watching Amy dip Cordelia's necklace into a smoking pot of . . . something. Seeing all the women in Sunnydale with hatchets and knives and really crazy looks in their eyes.
The click of the door opening finally got through to him. The door opening meant Willow and, while he knew Tara was trying to help, and loved her for it, it was his best friend that he wanted to see, to talk to.
Willow stopped just inside the door, a wide smile on her face. Her arms were full of books, but she shut the door with her foot, setting her books down and nearly vibrating with excitement. "You're back!" Then she seemed to realize he wasn't supposed to be back until later. Her smile faded around the edges, her eyes widening. "What happened?"
Xander made up his mind. He wasn't going to tell her. He was going to tell her that he was just dropping off the camping equipment. Then he was going to flee, because Willow had always seen right through him. He stood up, pointing to the camping equipment. "Anya caught me kissing Giles." Xander actually blinked. Even he was surprised.
Willow's eyes went even wider. "Oh, Xander," she said, her voice filled with sympathy.
Xander gave up. He sat on the bed and then slumped back. Lying there, staring at the ceiling, he told them everything. Tara stayed instead of running to get stuff, but Xander didn't mind. He'd have been surprised if Willow hadn't told Tara. Willow wasn't all that good at keeping things from people, after all, and Tara was her girlfriend.
It was kind of nice. Getting it all out. He told them about the fight with Anya at the motel, even about the wish. Willow gasped, rearing up from her place beside him with an expression that said someone was getting glared at. "She wished what? How could she do that? I mean . . . What was . . ." Willow shook her head, her mouth still moving even though no words were coming out. She seemed to catch Xander's expression then. "Aren't you mad at her?"
Xander shrugged, trying to explain. "I don't know. I guess. It's just . . . I keep thinking about that spell I did with Amy."
Willow's face cleared then, her mouth scrunching up all onto one side of her face. That was an expression Xander hadn't seen in a while, and despite everything it made him feel a little better. Willow looked up to Tara then, smiling. "He once cast a love spell on all the women of Sunnydale."
Tara's eyes went round and she looked at Xander in surprise. He nodded. "It wasn't supposed to go that way, but . . . Spells." He waved his hand and shrugged.
"But . . ." Tara shook her head, looking between Willow and Xander. "Aren't you guys worried? I mean . . . What else might have changed? Everything could be different and we wouldn't even know it."
Almost as one, the three of them looked around the room, as if something unexpected might jump out of the shadows.
"Seems quiet," Willow said.
"Yup. If it's different at least it's not eating us." Xander smiled as Willow nodded firmly.
"There's not much we can really do," Willow told Tara, moving to sit on the other side of Xander, next to Tara. "But, we'll try to find Anya's vengeance buddy and straighten this all out. It's like the thing with Jonathan," she said. "We found out that he'd changed everything and we put it back. The thing is, the only way to really undo a wish like this is to take out a demon's power center."
"Hence, Anya," Xander said, hearing her voice in his head again. Being on the outside of everything, with everything being so . . . human. Even talking about Anya made his chest tight. Talking led to thinking and thinking led to remembering, which wouldn't have been bad except so many of the memories were good. They'd had fun, in with the insanity. He had cared about her. Still did. He wanted her to be happy.
Tara still didn't look convinced. Willow slid an arm around Tara to comfort her and it reminded him of Giles, of the night that he'd found out about the half-demon stuff. Giles had reached out, laid his hand on Xander's shoulders and . . . Xander had felt better. Not great, but just a little bit better. He could still remember the way it had felt. The weight of Giles' hand, the warmth of his fingers as they closed around Xander's shoulder.
"Wow," Xander said. The silence that greeted his revelation snapped Xander out of his thoughts. Willow and Tara were looking at him with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, Xander, please tell me you're not indulging in some sordid lesbian fantasy?" Willow said, her face doing that 'creeped out' thing.
Xander grinned. "Nope, no girls in my head at all."
"That's a first," Willow replied and then her eyes narrowed in an attempt at suspicion. "Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Giles has been guest starring in there for years." She grinned, poking Xander with her toe.
Xander opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. "That's none of your business. I gotta go."
"Go where?" Willow asked, pouting a little. "I figured you were hiding out here until Anya finished getting her stuff, and we could watch foreign movies and eat ice cream."
"Oh," Xander said, blinking. "I didn't think about that." Then another thought hit. "I don't think Anya did either." Then he shook his head, looking back to Willow with a slightly nervous smile. "I made up my mind," he said.
She grinned, even bounced a little. "So? You're going to Giles'?"
"Yeah. Oh, God, no." Xander whimpered a little. "Okay, my mind's made up, but I'm still pretty nervous. I mean, I yelled at him last night, and I barely talked to him all day in the car, and I know he's got to be mad." Xander thumped his head back against the bed.
"Better to apologize sooner, rather than later," Tara said. She wore a serious expression, but Xander thought she was trying not to laugh.
"It is?" Both Willow and Tara nodded, wearing almost making expression. Yup, definitely trying not to smile, at least. "Right. Okay. Going to Giles'." He didn't move. Willow and Tara had to push him off the bed before he actually got to his feet, and that only worked because the dorm floors were hard.
"Okay, okay," he said, holding up his hands. "But if he tells me to get stuffed, I'm coming right back."
Willow snorted. "Xander, if Giles tells you to 'get stuffed', I'll . . . Okay, I don't know what, but it would be something really unlikely."
Xander took a deep breath, and left with a wave to the girls. If he was going to do this . . . He was going to do this. He kept telling himself, over and over, that it should be easy, but . . . It wasn't. He'd screwed up every relationship he'd ever had, and while that was basically a grand total of 'two' it wasn't a good sign. Maybe Giles didn't even want . . . anything with him. Okay, so the kissing probably meant that Giles wasn't repulsed by him or anything, but Giles kept stopping things.
Because you were with Anya, Xander's inner voice chimed in. The same reason you should have stopped things. But Xander didn't know that that was the reason. Not for sure. By the time he stood in front of Giles' door with his hand raised to knock, he'd come up with ten other excellent reasons. He knocked despite the fact that his knees felt as if they were going to fold out from under him.
Giles wasn't wearing his glasses when he answered. His shirt sleeves were rolled up, too, and Xander had to pull his eyes away from Giles' arms. Of course, standing there, looking Giles in the eye, was even worse on his nerves. He'd planned out his speech on the way over, but it must have been cowering at the back of his mind, because he couldn't think of a single word of it. He was quiet long enough for Giles' expression to get worried.
"Xander? Is everything all rig--"
Giles never got to finish the sentence. Xander dove forward and kissed him. Hard. A little too hard, maybe, because Giles stumbled backwards, but his arms also slid around Xander. Could just be to keep himself from falling over. Later, he knew, they'd talk. They'd have to, but if he could just keep Giles' mouth busy a little longer, they might not have to do it tonight.
Then Giles was kissing him back. Even harder. Xander bumped the edge of the door, which was probably a good thing, since it closed it. Then he was pressed against it, Giles' body pressing along his own. He could feel the other man's warmth, feel the weight of him. Xander moaned into the kiss, not really sure when his hands had moved up into Giles' hair, but not really caring, either.