Not much for a subject
Not really so sure what to say any longer. I've hit the wall and I've fallen, but there's no ground for me to land on. The bottom has completely fallen out on my life. I'm not sure what's up, down, left, right, good, or bad. Lately my mind has become completely consumed with cutting....yep that's right cutting. I'm a cutter, as if ya'll didn't already know that one. I'm actually probably one of the strangest cutter I know, and I'm not being biased either. It's just I am more able to talk myself out of cutting than anyone I know and I've never become addicted to it in the sense there has never been a time in my life where I needed to cut or I wouldn't make it through the day. Though lately my mind has become more obessesed with the thought of cutting, more so than usual. What many people don't know is about the first time I ever cut, why, how, with what, over what, and stuff like that. I don't think I told anyone the first time I did it. Come to think of it, I think my mother was the the first person to actually see the marks I made. Part of me really wants to lay the story out on the lines and let everyone read it and know, but I know that no one would really care to know about it. However, I do know that anyone who does read this knows that if they really want to know something best way to find out is ask me, I am the kind of person who will answer any question as long as asked properly. Another thing that makes me different from most cutters....I talk about it with my friends, used to be in hopes that they would try and stop me, but no one ever did. No one ever picked up a "sword" and challenged me to a duel. Not like anyone would really know how to handle or well stop me from doing it.....okay well one person. Garreth (yeah I know I talk about him more than anything....GET OVER IT!!!!) It's was march of last year if I remember correctly. He wanted me to get rid of my razors so desparately....and I did. I wrapped them all up and threw them away.....just for FUCKING him! Not to many people know that. A bunch of people know that I supposidly "quit" cutting or, as I prefer the term carving!, a while ago.What sucks the most though, which I can probably guess a ton of people don't think would suck, is that I barely have any scars from doing it. It actaully makes me very angry that I don't have too many scars. I literally DUG the damned blade into my body.....atleast 1/2 inch to an entire inch into my skin. I was pretty much aimed to make my "drawings" last. I had words such as:hate, death, kill, murder, love, Emmalyn, end, BlackRose...in my legs and arms. I never really cared what anyone else thought or if that saw for that matter. I just really wanted to see my blood, know where the pain is coming from, control the pain, and just bluntly have some bit of control of my life. It really felt like cutting was the only thing I could control. Before I started cutting, I did do other things.....things that happen to have been more dangerous...or well at that point in thime they were. Something I don't think anyone knows.....I was Anerix for five years, I drank VERY heavily for three years, I did drugs for four years, I burned myself for almost two years, I intentionally didn't sleep for eight/nine years, and I have been suicidal for close to twelve years.....that's right ladies and gentleman....I've had the great desire to end my life since I was seven! I've never really admitted those things to anyone. SOME of those things a few friends know, but they don't know to much exclusive detail to it. Then again...whoever is reading this doesn't know to much about it either......just what I did and for how long. I guess you could say I've been trying to distruct myself from the say I was born....which actually is true. I had an air-pocket around my heart when I was born......yeah couldn't kill me.......but yeah did cause a few problems. What's so interiguing about the self-inflicting pain I've continuessly been putting myself through, is that no one but Garreth has ever been able to get me to stop.....even if it was only for a VERY minor time. Not even SHAWN could get me to stop. The true love of my life....or better yet, my one and only! As much as he wanted me to quit doing drugs, drinking, and to start eating.....it just never happened. I loved him soo much, but obviliously not as much as Garreth. It's not like everyday I wake up and feel that I need to go through all of it again, but I do wake up every morning and my very first thought generally is along the lines of:"damnit, I woke up again......" I don't like waking up or living in this life. Most days I feel that things would have just been easier if I was in that car and died or that night I slit my wrists for the first time....actually worked! I know my friends will ALL disagree with me and say that I shouldn't think, feel, or believe that, but I can't help it! I'm sure there really is something out there for me and that I really do have a reason to live, but sadly I just don't want to be waiting around for it. This is in absolutely NO offense to my friends....I want you all to know that I love you and you mean so much to me. It's just that sometimes no matter how many people you have around you that love you.......the love you have for them and the love they have for you just isn't enough to get you through it. Sometimes it's just not enough to fill that empty void inside. I don't think anyone will ever be able to fill that emptiness for me for a while.....it's not something that the physical can fill or anything for that matter can fill. Okay maybe that's me being a slight over dramatic. I'm sure there is soemthing that can fill it, but I'm just not sure what yet. Music used to be what filled that empty void, but now it feels like music just isn't enough anymore. I don't really have much of anything to write about or compose for. It's like I need something or someoen to inspire me. Well actually better yet, I really need someone who's going to push me the way I need to be pushed. What I'm really basically trying to say or well get to is that I need somone (perferably) to push me to write, sing, play guitar, basically just believe in myself and my music like I used too. I just really need someone who's going to make me want to be better.....a better person, a better musican, a better everything! Maybe I'm just asking way to much and I should just give up and settle for half-bit. Perhaps it's just time I face reality and just stop trying to achieve my dreams..........I'm already practically dead..this would just basically insure it happeneing!