I feel like........
I feel like a five year old trapped in a car after watching both my parents being killed in a horrific car crash and there's nothing I can do. It's like there is nothoing I can do to stop my life from just changing into something absolutely painful....something I just can't control.I really can't do this today, I mean it's not that I don't want to be happy and it's not that I don't want to be able to enjoy life and embrace it, but it's just....something no one can or will ever understand. It's not like I asked for this, I mean, I really didn't want to be delt with this hand in poker. I'm not trying to complain, I mean I do have a great life, better then some people I know and I've got more advantages then a many people around this world. The only problem is I've had a life that not many people have actually had to live...and GOD KNOWS I would love to spill my guts and tell everyone why I cry so much, why I cut, and everything else, but no one would understand. Trust me, none of my friends would have any idea how to handle what I would have to tell them. So that's the reason I keep quiet and just don't talk too much about what's wrong with me. What I can talk about, however, not to many people know about. I guess the best thing I can probably do is just vent about the few things that I can vent about.........
My truck is broken A-FUCKING-GAIN! I'm so sick and damn tired of this damned truck...it's givin me nothing but trouble and it just doesn't seem to want to get fixed. I think everything has been fixed on that POS and yet it still manages to break down again. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do or how I'm planning on getting it fixed. I just hate having to keep sending it back into the shop. Not to mention right now my parents really don't have the money to afford to get it fixed again. I wish that for once I had a car that wasn't falling to pieces. To chalk it all up my dad is blaming it breaking on me this time...it's my fault...like always it's my fault I broke it and I'm the one who intentionally broke the car that I PAID for. I'm just not sure how my parents could just to a conclusion like that one about me.....I mean what would cause ME to wreck the one thing that I actually took responsiblity for and paid for....I'm not that kind of person.
As in the way of feelings....I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've really only been talking to like a few people about how my emotions have been acting lately and my feelings for certain people and well.......yeah all the outcomes and results have been slightly desasterous (sp) I should really be feeling what I am or be going through what I am going through, but ya know it sucks and it happens and I still end up.....yeah basically broken and the one left feeling more empty then when I started out. I'm really considering taking some much valued advice from a cutepie and just taking time to make peace with a few issues and not date anyone for a while.....or maybe I should just pack everything up and move out to somewhere where no one knows me and know one can find out about me and my past.I just really don't know what I'm going to do with some of it.....
In the way of life or well a card in my hand. It's like going to a Tarot reader and her dealing out death seven times and then the rest of the deck is nothing but the death card....I mean it's really not something bright and cheerful you want to write home about, you know. I get the fact that a lot of people out there are sick and probably have a condition a hell of a lot worse then mine. I mean it's not like it's going to kill me, okay well it could, but it wouldn't be because of the diease.....atleast not entirely. I know that it's not even really completely developed so there is still a glimmer of hope that I can defeat it, but I can't cure it and make it just go away. That's what scares me....I'm going to fully develope it and I'm going to spend the rest of my life, really sick and unable to survive and umm I'm going to pass this on to my childern. I really don't want to do that, ya know. I don't want to kill my kids chance at living a semi-normal life. I don't want them to go through what I went through. I don't want them to grow up feeling as thought their mother has screwed them over and doesn't love them. I'm just really scared. I've got no one to hold onto me and tell me that it's okay and that I'll make it through this. Only deal with that is....no one has been able to say that to me and I've been able to believe them. Only two guys have ever been able to say that to me and did I know that they were right...that it would be okay and that I was going to make it through. Shawn and Garreth...the only two people I've ever met who could honestly make me feel safe and I knew that I was gonna be okay. My father, my mother, fuck no one in my family...not even one of my friends can make me feel that. I mean, don't get me wrong I love my friend with all my heart and god knows I would do anything for them....no matter what it is...they are my world and my life and my family.....but none of them can give me the feeling that I need to know that things will be okay. Now I know that I've said at times that certain friends have done that for me.....but usually the circumstances are minut. Example : my first car accident...Monk-e was the first person I talked to once I got home....and for that brief time he made me feel like it was all okay, but long term he didn't. Another Example: The day Shawn pasted away....I was strong until the end of the school day and I walked out of school crying til I was weak....and sure I had my friends there but none of them could make me feel like it was going to be okay and that I would live through it. I'm still sure how or who helped me make it this far. I just know that I have somewhat survived......or atleast what's left of me has. I suppose the fact that Garreth was the only one to ever get me to throw away my blades....means that he had a stronger impact on my life then anyone knows....and the fact I still obsess over him.. Yeah I still love him, but I know that I won't ever get him back and I won't ever....yeah it's really hard to finish that statement so I won't. I mean, it's the same with Shawn, I know I won't get him back and I know that I will never stop loving him and I know that nothing will ever be the same. So it's just really hard for me....and that's a minor part to why I always cry. I think that what I'm really trying to say and get at is that.....I know my life isn't perfect and I know that I'm not the only one who has ever suffered problems, but I know that I am the ONLY one who knows what it's like to live my life and feel the pain that I feel every day.
I don't know what my friends or whoever reads this is going to think or feel or say or whatever, but I do know....that if they truly love me and care about me....they aren't going to critize, but they will understand...and Kaydee......I know you can get where I'm coming from...cause I think you know what it's like. I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this...I don't want to wake up anymore wondering if I'm going to make it through the day. I just want to know that it's going to be okay and that I am strong enough to do this....and I want to beleive it for once, again.
It's 1:04am....and I started this at 11pm.....wow...guess I lost track of time!
My truck is broken A-FUCKING-GAIN! I'm so sick and damn tired of this damned truck...it's givin me nothing but trouble and it just doesn't seem to want to get fixed. I think everything has been fixed on that POS and yet it still manages to break down again. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do or how I'm planning on getting it fixed. I just hate having to keep sending it back into the shop. Not to mention right now my parents really don't have the money to afford to get it fixed again. I wish that for once I had a car that wasn't falling to pieces. To chalk it all up my dad is blaming it breaking on me this time...it's my fault...like always it's my fault I broke it and I'm the one who intentionally broke the car that I PAID for. I'm just not sure how my parents could just to a conclusion like that one about me.....I mean what would cause ME to wreck the one thing that I actually took responsiblity for and paid for....I'm not that kind of person.
As in the way of feelings....I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've really only been talking to like a few people about how my emotions have been acting lately and my feelings for certain people and well.......yeah all the outcomes and results have been slightly desasterous (sp) I should really be feeling what I am or be going through what I am going through, but ya know it sucks and it happens and I still end up.....yeah basically broken and the one left feeling more empty then when I started out. I'm really considering taking some much valued advice from a cutepie and just taking time to make peace with a few issues and not date anyone for a while.....or maybe I should just pack everything up and move out to somewhere where no one knows me and know one can find out about me and my past.I just really don't know what I'm going to do with some of it.....
In the way of life or well a card in my hand. It's like going to a Tarot reader and her dealing out death seven times and then the rest of the deck is nothing but the death card....I mean it's really not something bright and cheerful you want to write home about, you know. I get the fact that a lot of people out there are sick and probably have a condition a hell of a lot worse then mine. I mean it's not like it's going to kill me, okay well it could, but it wouldn't be because of the diease.....atleast not entirely. I know that it's not even really completely developed so there is still a glimmer of hope that I can defeat it, but I can't cure it and make it just go away. That's what scares me....I'm going to fully develope it and I'm going to spend the rest of my life, really sick and unable to survive and umm I'm going to pass this on to my childern. I really don't want to do that, ya know. I don't want to kill my kids chance at living a semi-normal life. I don't want them to go through what I went through. I don't want them to grow up feeling as thought their mother has screwed them over and doesn't love them. I'm just really scared. I've got no one to hold onto me and tell me that it's okay and that I'll make it through this. Only deal with that is....no one has been able to say that to me and I've been able to believe them. Only two guys have ever been able to say that to me and did I know that they were right...that it would be okay and that I was going to make it through. Shawn and Garreth...the only two people I've ever met who could honestly make me feel safe and I knew that I was gonna be okay. My father, my mother, fuck no one in my family...not even one of my friends can make me feel that. I mean, don't get me wrong I love my friend with all my heart and god knows I would do anything for them....no matter what it is...they are my world and my life and my family.....but none of them can give me the feeling that I need to know that things will be okay. Now I know that I've said at times that certain friends have done that for me.....but usually the circumstances are minut. Example : my first car accident...Monk-e was the first person I talked to once I got home....and for that brief time he made me feel like it was all okay, but long term he didn't. Another Example: The day Shawn pasted away....I was strong until the end of the school day and I walked out of school crying til I was weak....and sure I had my friends there but none of them could make me feel like it was going to be okay and that I would live through it. I'm still sure how or who helped me make it this far. I just know that I have somewhat survived......or atleast what's left of me has. I suppose the fact that Garreth was the only one to ever get me to throw away my blades....means that he had a stronger impact on my life then anyone knows....and the fact I still obsess over him.. Yeah I still love him, but I know that I won't ever get him back and I won't ever....yeah it's really hard to finish that statement so I won't. I mean, it's the same with Shawn, I know I won't get him back and I know that I will never stop loving him and I know that nothing will ever be the same. So it's just really hard for me....and that's a minor part to why I always cry. I think that what I'm really trying to say and get at is that.....I know my life isn't perfect and I know that I'm not the only one who has ever suffered problems, but I know that I am the ONLY one who knows what it's like to live my life and feel the pain that I feel every day.
I don't know what my friends or whoever reads this is going to think or feel or say or whatever, but I do know....that if they truly love me and care about me....they aren't going to critize, but they will understand...and Kaydee......I know you can get where I'm coming from...cause I think you know what it's like. I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this...I don't want to wake up anymore wondering if I'm going to make it through the day. I just want to know that it's going to be okay and that I am strong enough to do this....and I want to beleive it for once, again.
It's 1:04am....and I started this at 11pm.....wow...guess I lost track of time!