Man...

[lostepilogues]

Life used to be so much better... I used to be so much more opimistic. It used to be fun. I don't know what happening to me or life. My mom says I hardly talk to her, I hardly want to talk to her much. I never really wanted to talk to my dad, anyways. I want a car, but I don't. Where would I go? I wish I went into work today, instead of calling in sick waiting for her to get on. Is it bad when you envy someone you don't know, because they got to have sex with someone you care a hell of alot about? Love, even? Don't give me that crush bullshit. I can tell the damn difference. I might just be slowly fading away. Maybe we all are. I found out today in English that "Envy is ignorance. Imitation is suicide." I snatched that quote from an essay written by a Transcendentalist, well the founder of them, I forgot his name. But I dunno why it effected me so much, maybe because I'm ignorant of sex, that I'm envious of the guy that got to have it with her, or the fact they were both fucking away, while I was working, or something... Hurts my stomach though. I don't hate her or anything... if I had to say anything about her, I'd say I'm ashamed of her for some reason. I dunno why, it seemed just like the right thing to do... I need to get laid and find someone to love in the proccess. Or atleast just get laid. Funny thing is I had plenty of opportunities to awhile ago. but she was kinda wierd, and said she'd do it out of pity and yeah... that hurt my self-esteem abit. Besides even if I did get to have sex with her, I didn't want to, she totally killed my image of her the more I knew about her. She was this cute little short girl and turned into some whore, that I bet you I wouldn't even be able to get it up if I had to do it with her. She disgusted me. The other candidates at the moment, would be a 20 year old black girl, and a 23 year old Mexican, both hot. One's married, other has a boyfriend, but those are the people that I flirt/hang around with the most at work. It's bad being liked by older chicks that have ties. Anywho, my quality of loving life has gone down steeply in the past year or so. I have friends, I go out with them, I do stuff, but still... I think a girlfriend would help more than anything >_>. I haven't really found any girls that I like much at school, you could just say I'm being picky, but first thing you have to like the damn chick to be able to stand her >_>... Yeah I'm rambling, but um I sorta feel like I'm at the center of Bruce Almighty, life sucks for Bruce until he actually meets god, etc. My life sucks right now. I'm gonna go meet God and make it better. When I get depressed I try to starve myself, sorta. Today I ate a small breakfast, skipped lunch and was going to skip dinner, but I figured something would happen if I ate, and no nothing happened. I might try to not eat tommorow, and go for a whole day, that'd be something new.

I haven't seen Will on AIM for awhile. Cannito, you rock. She's on...