My Existential Dilemma..
Trying to become an authentic human being is one of the hardest tasks I could have possibly imagined. People expect you to do things, whether you want to or not. It seems, time and time again, we've always got to answer to other people and do things for the appeasement of other people, whether they are our bosses, teachers, parents, girlfriends, friends, etc. There is always someone waiting to be upset if you don't make the right decision.
I'm tired of making everyone happy. I'm tired of making decisions based on how other people will feel. I have stretched myself so damn thin that I have made myself sick. I rarely say "no" to anyone. I would normally consider myself a strong person, yet I let people manipulate and take advantage of me. Then, after all of that, I get backed into a corner and I feel defensive and tend to get dishonest. I used to think that this was all a symptom of something else and that it was somebody else's fault, but that simply isn't so. The truth is, it is all my fault. It's my fault for not standing up and being accountable or not saying "no, I am not going to do that." I can't blame my parents or sexual abuse as a child or any other thing. It is all my fault. Only I have the power to change it.
I've recently realized that I don't give a damn about people's expectations of me. I know how to do the right thing and when faced with a decision, will take the moral high ground. In the last 2 weeks it has cost me about 8 friendships because I have come clean about some things and it really upset some people. It is amazing when you say "I don't want to do a radio show with you anymore" that, quite suddenly, a friendship ends. Or when you say "I don't want to listen to your advice anymore" another friendship ends. And why do people feel uncomfortable hanging out with me now that I have stopped drinking? It's so sad to me that so many of my friendships were apparently based on the consumption of alcohol.
I don't care what people think about my career, my path, my education, my politics, my religion or who I choose to build a life with. These decisions are between myself, my loved ones and God and I am sick and tired of feeling sick about what people will say or do in response to them. It just plain sucks. People will lie and be selfish and have cruel opinions and I have allowed myself to be affected by all of that. I would actually not do things based on a fear of people's reactions to them. It is quite a sickness.
Whatever damage I have caused others, it is in the past. I have already made attempts at peace and attonement. Not much more can be done. It doesn't change anything. Life only moves forward. I am sorry and that is all I can be, for the healing in my own life began a while ago and continues to grow.
People seem to want to be clued in on every moment as it unfolds in my life, and when I don't reveal moments as they happen, people accuse me of lying or being manipulative. Guess what? I don't care what you think. I am sick of caring what everybody thinks. How about what I think? How about my story? How about what I am trying to do with my life? Do you care about that or is this about your comfort level?
I've let this strange insecure, irrational fear of other people's reactions and intentions dictate the nonaction that has become my life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it and I have no excuse for that kind of cowardice. From this point on, everything changes.
I have so much to give to this world and I am going to live by my own standards from now on. I am accountable only to God and to the people I love. If anybody else has an opinion, I am going to have to learn to live with it and not let it break me into tiny little pieces. The truth is, I can't be what everybody wants me to be. I can't do everything everybody wants me to do. I am only one person who is just trying to figure out who I am and trying to make the right decisions.
I love life. I love moments. I love conversations. I love that my girlfriend and I are back together. I love that I am taking some awesome classes. I love that in March, both of our lives are going to change forever. I love that there is still so much of this world that I want to see. And I love carnivals and train rides and baseball and Buddhist literature and coffee. And I try not to use foul language anymore and I try to realize that sports are just a game and that people really mean well and I don't need to do every favored that is asked of me. And I try to pray every day. And meditate every day. In those prayers I ask only for guidance. In my thoughts, I ask for forgiveness and guidance. In my life, I try to live cleanly and set an example now. I messed up for so long and there is so much work to be done. But it is not an impossibility. In fact, it gets easier every day.
If you are reading this and you truly care, I could use some positivity. We all could. Hate is so ugly and so rampant. If I lied to you or hurt you, I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me. If you lied to me or to others about me, I forgive you. And the truth is, I don't care anymore.
Life is a blessing and all of these trivial things matter so very little. Love is important. Family is important. Music is important. And, as sure as the sun will shine, I vow that my life will echo these sentiments from this point forward.
Love Is,
BR
I'm tired of making everyone happy. I'm tired of making decisions based on how other people will feel. I have stretched myself so damn thin that I have made myself sick. I rarely say "no" to anyone. I would normally consider myself a strong person, yet I let people manipulate and take advantage of me. Then, after all of that, I get backed into a corner and I feel defensive and tend to get dishonest. I used to think that this was all a symptom of something else and that it was somebody else's fault, but that simply isn't so. The truth is, it is all my fault. It's my fault for not standing up and being accountable or not saying "no, I am not going to do that." I can't blame my parents or sexual abuse as a child or any other thing. It is all my fault. Only I have the power to change it.
I've recently realized that I don't give a damn about people's expectations of me. I know how to do the right thing and when faced with a decision, will take the moral high ground. In the last 2 weeks it has cost me about 8 friendships because I have come clean about some things and it really upset some people. It is amazing when you say "I don't want to do a radio show with you anymore" that, quite suddenly, a friendship ends. Or when you say "I don't want to listen to your advice anymore" another friendship ends. And why do people feel uncomfortable hanging out with me now that I have stopped drinking? It's so sad to me that so many of my friendships were apparently based on the consumption of alcohol.
I don't care what people think about my career, my path, my education, my politics, my religion or who I choose to build a life with. These decisions are between myself, my loved ones and God and I am sick and tired of feeling sick about what people will say or do in response to them. It just plain sucks. People will lie and be selfish and have cruel opinions and I have allowed myself to be affected by all of that. I would actually not do things based on a fear of people's reactions to them. It is quite a sickness.
Whatever damage I have caused others, it is in the past. I have already made attempts at peace and attonement. Not much more can be done. It doesn't change anything. Life only moves forward. I am sorry and that is all I can be, for the healing in my own life began a while ago and continues to grow.
People seem to want to be clued in on every moment as it unfolds in my life, and when I don't reveal moments as they happen, people accuse me of lying or being manipulative. Guess what? I don't care what you think. I am sick of caring what everybody thinks. How about what I think? How about my story? How about what I am trying to do with my life? Do you care about that or is this about your comfort level?
I've let this strange insecure, irrational fear of other people's reactions and intentions dictate the nonaction that has become my life. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it and I have no excuse for that kind of cowardice. From this point on, everything changes.
I have so much to give to this world and I am going to live by my own standards from now on. I am accountable only to God and to the people I love. If anybody else has an opinion, I am going to have to learn to live with it and not let it break me into tiny little pieces. The truth is, I can't be what everybody wants me to be. I can't do everything everybody wants me to do. I am only one person who is just trying to figure out who I am and trying to make the right decisions.
I love life. I love moments. I love conversations. I love that my girlfriend and I are back together. I love that I am taking some awesome classes. I love that in March, both of our lives are going to change forever. I love that there is still so much of this world that I want to see. And I love carnivals and train rides and baseball and Buddhist literature and coffee. And I try not to use foul language anymore and I try to realize that sports are just a game and that people really mean well and I don't need to do every favored that is asked of me. And I try to pray every day. And meditate every day. In those prayers I ask only for guidance. In my thoughts, I ask for forgiveness and guidance. In my life, I try to live cleanly and set an example now. I messed up for so long and there is so much work to be done. But it is not an impossibility. In fact, it gets easier every day.
If you are reading this and you truly care, I could use some positivity. We all could. Hate is so ugly and so rampant. If I lied to you or hurt you, I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me. If you lied to me or to others about me, I forgive you. And the truth is, I don't care anymore.
Life is a blessing and all of these trivial things matter so very little. Love is important. Family is important. Music is important. And, as sure as the sun will shine, I vow that my life will echo these sentiments from this point forward.
Love Is,
BR