(no subject)
why do i let this happen? why do i trust anyone! this is bull. i was so happy untill she came into my life n fucked everything over. but yet i still want to trust her and call her one of my best friends. geuss what noone reads this anymore, so im just gonna say everything. i feel like shes fucking with me. i feel like ashtin hates me but is being nice because i introduced her and matthew. i dont even know whats going on with kevin. i miss him more then words could say, and everyone tells me "dont go back to him. its not worth it, dont do it" but i love him. i love him more than anything and i will go back with him. but its liek hes fucking with my head. like one moment he likes me and the next he doesnt. i cant stand all this confusion. jessica and nicole are right. every since me and kevin broke up ive just been devisated, like my morals and everything just dissapeard. like i started actually wanting myself to be healthy and look good and get good grades. and now its all gone. im so stressed. it just feels like person after person is fucking with m,e. why cant i just be happy again? why cant all this just GO AWAY! id give anything to feel the way i felt when im in his arms again. everything dissapears and all this stress seems like it never happend. when he was over the other night, the entire time he was over its like i wasent sick, my throat didnt hurt, i could breathe. and when he left it all came back. then i get him telling me hes leading me on. yeha i geuss he is if hes not plannign to be with me. but yet i geuss he does want to be with me just not now..? if not now when? after he dates a few people? am i nothing to any of these people i care about? yeah i know i know the answers to all these questions and i can answer them and be the girl he wants and everything. but with all the confusion and stress i cant think stright. i cant do anything. i cant do anything but cry. and even thats starting to go away. its like ive come to the point where i cant cry anymore. i cant have any feelings but sarrow. i want to know exactally what hes thinking. exactally what he wants, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IM DOING WRONG. why cant i just be happy. why? i still dream of spending the rest of my life with him, weither thats a realist dream or just a fantasy. i still do it. and i still hope and pray hell come back, soon.