636660 holding you is th new past
andy tells me to go home and maybe write down what I'm feeling, just for myself, to organize my thoughts. I say, "Yeah, maybe, except why would I do that? I already know what my thoughts and feelings are. It's only communicating these things to y'all that's giving me pause." Sometimes when I am troubled I stay up all night doing repetitive tasks such as editing ID3 tags in iTunes, and my cat stays up, too, doing repetitive tasks such as licking his own snaj. Driving to work, I'm singing along to Beyoncé's "Halo" w/ feeling, making a hand motion to steady th air before me. Love this song! Now I'm idly forking th remains of my Peruvian rotisserie chicken. Pipes is gently mocking me: "Your sentences keep trailing off," she says. "Is it because you suddenly understand all cheesy love songs?" Nope, it's not that. Ah always got those songs. What's not to get? Gravity can't forget, so pull me back to th ground again.
"How does your stomach feel?" asks Andy.
"You're asking me if I have butterflies?" I say.
It's much stranger than that. I have butterflies and th caterpillars they metamorphosed from, in one stomach. They are spanning and squeezing time. I thank th past for getting me this far, and th future for being smaller and less powerful than my feelings. I tell Pipes, "It's like everything that happened before ..."
"... was JUST PRACTICE?"
"No, no! That's not what I was about to say. You're enjoying this, aren't you."
I enjoy practice time AND game time. What if everything that happened before was tennis, and everything that happens from now on is competitive eating? What if practice and game are one? What if sea monkeys really existed? I met someone, a lady, and I don't know how, but now I am certainly, certainly crazy in a totally normal way. It reminds me of eating a quarter-ounce of mushrooms and asking nearby trees to drive me to a hospital or keep me company while I die. There's still a lot of practice I have to do before I'm used to this.
"Samantha," I find myself saying, "you're what would happen if I created a fake profile of a lady on a dating site and filled it w/ every quality that would make me want to get to know a lady, and den forgot that I made it and later tried like a total retard to send it a message, except den it actually answered back and was a real person who agreed to go on a date w/ me. It's like a magick. Thus, I have to ask -- were you sent by my enemies to destroy me?"
"That depends," she says. "You're not about to axe-murder me, right?"
"That depends," I say. "Is this 1892? Axes might be th tabloids' weapon of choice den."
"I don't know what year it is, either. We have so much in common."
"Samantha."
"Yes?"
"You make time go by funny."
No, I absolutely do not know what happens next, and barely know what has happened thus far or what is happening as we speak. I'll make some shit up for my Internet diary, and mebbe that made-up shit'll come true, too.
Samantha says, "Let's skip this whole boyfriend girlfriend business."
I say, "Have you thought of any names for our daughter?"
She says, "Now that I'm president and you're First Gentleman, you need a signature issue." I choose th revival of public libraries as th center of public life in America. I feel just like Michelle Obama -- infinitely supportive of my partner, yet also fully my own thing. I feel like being sweet because I have 100 nice things to say about th president per minute.
What else, what else? U.S. unemployment drops back down to 4.5%. China takes climate change seriously. Cold winters return to D.C., as do hot summers and temperate springs and falls. Whoever is supposed to be in love w/ you will soon be in love w/ you, if they aren't already -- I mean all of you. Fuck if I know. Just say something out loud or write it down in a notebook. If it steps off th page and gets real, I'm not crazy. I feel more normal than ever. I feel like I fit in w/ people and am surrounded by 100 Secret Service agents whom I don't need because my enemies don't care about me because they are too busy getting loved, too. I keep th Secret Service agents because I enjoy th company.
+ + +
TH COUNTDOWN:
33. AISLERS SET "Mary's Song" (7.3 MB)
32. YOU AM I "Heavy Heart" (4.4 MB)
31. RADIOACTIVE SAGO PROJECT "Astro" (5.3 MB)
30. BIG STAR "Thirteen" (3.5 MB)
29. DE KIFT "Nauwe Mijter" (5.0 MB)
28. TH CLEAN "Anything Could Happen" (2.5 MB)
27. JOHN FAHEY "Jaya Shiva Shankarah" (7.0 MB)
26. FEELIES "Forces @ Work" (9.8 MB)
25. LIFE W/O BUILDINGS "Sorrow" (9.5 MB) -- A song for when you are happier than you have probably ever been. It's called "Sorrow" because you're feeling that way about difficult people: sad that they have slipped away, sad that you're one of them, thankful that they taught you how to live w/ them, thankful that difficult people never bored you, thankful that they've slipped away. Tons of you know this song but mebbe not th Darth Vader one below.
BEYONCE "Halo" (7.1 MB)
BIG STAR "I'm in Love w/ a Girl" (2.5 MB)
DARTH VADER "Darth Vader Ukelele" (2.5 MB)
"How does your stomach feel?" asks Andy.
"You're asking me if I have butterflies?" I say.
It's much stranger than that. I have butterflies and th caterpillars they metamorphosed from, in one stomach. They are spanning and squeezing time. I thank th past for getting me this far, and th future for being smaller and less powerful than my feelings. I tell Pipes, "It's like everything that happened before ..."
"... was JUST PRACTICE?"
"No, no! That's not what I was about to say. You're enjoying this, aren't you."
I enjoy practice time AND game time. What if everything that happened before was tennis, and everything that happens from now on is competitive eating? What if practice and game are one? What if sea monkeys really existed? I met someone, a lady, and I don't know how, but now I am certainly, certainly crazy in a totally normal way. It reminds me of eating a quarter-ounce of mushrooms and asking nearby trees to drive me to a hospital or keep me company while I die. There's still a lot of practice I have to do before I'm used to this.
"Samantha," I find myself saying, "you're what would happen if I created a fake profile of a lady on a dating site and filled it w/ every quality that would make me want to get to know a lady, and den forgot that I made it and later tried like a total retard to send it a message, except den it actually answered back and was a real person who agreed to go on a date w/ me. It's like a magick. Thus, I have to ask -- were you sent by my enemies to destroy me?"
"That depends," she says. "You're not about to axe-murder me, right?"
"That depends," I say. "Is this 1892? Axes might be th tabloids' weapon of choice den."
"I don't know what year it is, either. We have so much in common."
"Samantha."
"Yes?"
"You make time go by funny."
No, I absolutely do not know what happens next, and barely know what has happened thus far or what is happening as we speak. I'll make some shit up for my Internet diary, and mebbe that made-up shit'll come true, too.
Samantha says, "Let's skip this whole boyfriend girlfriend business."
I say, "Have you thought of any names for our daughter?"
She says, "Now that I'm president and you're First Gentleman, you need a signature issue." I choose th revival of public libraries as th center of public life in America. I feel just like Michelle Obama -- infinitely supportive of my partner, yet also fully my own thing. I feel like being sweet because I have 100 nice things to say about th president per minute.
What else, what else? U.S. unemployment drops back down to 4.5%. China takes climate change seriously. Cold winters return to D.C., as do hot summers and temperate springs and falls. Whoever is supposed to be in love w/ you will soon be in love w/ you, if they aren't already -- I mean all of you. Fuck if I know. Just say something out loud or write it down in a notebook. If it steps off th page and gets real, I'm not crazy. I feel more normal than ever. I feel like I fit in w/ people and am surrounded by 100 Secret Service agents whom I don't need because my enemies don't care about me because they are too busy getting loved, too. I keep th Secret Service agents because I enjoy th company.
+ + +
TH COUNTDOWN:
33. AISLERS SET "Mary's Song" (7.3 MB)
32. YOU AM I "Heavy Heart" (4.4 MB)
31. RADIOACTIVE SAGO PROJECT "Astro" (5.3 MB)
30. BIG STAR "Thirteen" (3.5 MB)
29. DE KIFT "Nauwe Mijter" (5.0 MB)
28. TH CLEAN "Anything Could Happen" (2.5 MB)
27. JOHN FAHEY "Jaya Shiva Shankarah" (7.0 MB)
26. FEELIES "Forces @ Work" (9.8 MB)
25. LIFE W/O BUILDINGS "Sorrow" (9.5 MB) -- A song for when you are happier than you have probably ever been. It's called "Sorrow" because you're feeling that way about difficult people: sad that they have slipped away, sad that you're one of them, thankful that they taught you how to live w/ them, thankful that difficult people never bored you, thankful that they've slipped away. Tons of you know this song but mebbe not th Darth Vader one below.
BEYONCE "Halo" (7.1 MB)
BIG STAR "I'm in Love w/ a Girl" (2.5 MB)
DARTH VADER "Darth Vader Ukelele" (2.5 MB)