Awesomest Buffyverse Monsters (Part 1)
True Story: a conversation on another post inspired me to write about alternative sources of authority in the Buffyverse. I decided I was going to blow everyone's minds with a scathing takedown of presumptive authority that even my sworn enemy and world-famous crazy person Jacques Derrida might envy. So, I sat myself down and said, "Self, why don't you sit down (oh, duh, you're already sitting doofus) and write a long, dull, boring, migraine-inducing treatise about esoterism, individuality, personal liberation, creative destruction and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah SHUT UP, LOSTBOY U NERD!"
Luckily, I didn't follow through with this dumb plan. Instead, I decided to write about my most favoritist subject in the whole wide world:
I know what you're thinking. No, no, I promise I'm not gonna get all "Joseph Campbell, Hero's Journey, Power of Myth" on you here (although, every Buffy fan should really consider reading some Joseph Campbell... and not the "Wikipedia" articles about them, the real, actual books... I'm just sayin', yo). I mean, sure, monsters represent all kinds of different things -- alienation, fear of the unknown, the manifestion of our yada-yada-et-ceteras. Also, some monsters have glowing eyes that shoot laser beams, though not many monster-historians are willing to acknowledge this.
*Happycat is one of our most successful modern-day monsters.
Anyway, BtVS had a very cool menagerie of monstrosities, and I want to tell you all about why I love them. Even leaving aside the Big Bads (each of who is wickedly cool for their own reasons), there are just so many awesome beasties-of-the-week to choose from. In fact, there are so many that I decided to split this post into two, so I can give each of these freaks their due propers.
In no particular order, here are the first five of my ten favorite Buffy monsters:
BIG BOB
Appears in:"The Zeppo" (3.13) the drunken, parking lot brawl at your 10-year high school reunion.
Quote:
"LET'S GET SOME BEER, YEAH!"
Awesomeness:
Bob is one of those no-goodnick teenage party animals who just won't stay dead, even after being shot by an Armenian liquor store clerk. Every American high school contains at least one Bob (and some as many as fourteen, depending on class size). Loud, boisterous and gleefully sociopathic, Bobs are usually identifiable by their varsity sports jackets, constant bellowing, poor grades, terrible tastes in music, and the kind of wide-eyed, vacant stares that make you wonder whether souls can be measured by the teaspoon.
In that sense, the Buffyverse's Bob is a classic specimen of Bob-ness in general. His awesomeness is mostly derived from a kind of unflappability and youthful joie de vivre that can only be found in the exceptionally stupid. Moments after his trip back from Hades, his thoughts immediately turn to life's finer pursuits: catching up on crappy TV shows, guzzling down beer by the keg-load, committing felony assaults and blowing things up. As a result of his brash, roid-raging antics, Bob also creates the opportunity for Xander to wield the Buffy Axe.
Fate:
Re-killed when a vending machine crushes his head. Or maybe not; Bob's brain probably doesn't count as a vital organ.
GACHNAR
Appears in:"Fear Itself" (4.04) a tiny diorama of Hell.
Quote:
“I am the dark lord of nightmares! The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!”
Awesomeness:
Gachnar was symbolic of how our fear of something is often disproportionate to the actual threat. He was also just the cutest little guy you ever saw in your life. Accidentally summoned by a bunch of slackjawed fratboy dipshits trying to make a Halloween decoration, this satanic smurf made up for his small amount of screen-time with one of the best reveals of any villain in the Buffverse.
And if that wasn't enough, he also uttered perhaps the most prophetic line in Buffyverse history as his dying words: "They're all going to abandon you, you know." So, there turned out to be something a bit ominous about this tiny freak after all, given not only the later events of "The Yoko Factor", but the longer, sadder arc of the show that culminates in season seven's "Empty Places", when the Slayer is kicked out of her own home by the people she loves. In that sense, I kinda like to think of Gachnar as The First's dorky little brother. He may not be big or very threatening, but he still knows what really scares you, deep down in your heart.
Fate:
Squished by a tennis shoe.
VERUCA
Appears in:"Wild at Heart" (4.06) your local coffee bar's Poetry Slam.
Quote:
"I like to eat. I hate chicks who are like, 'Does it have dressing on it?'"
Awesomeness:
Veruca was a hipster doofus and a wonderfully demented asshole who actually relished the idea of becoming a monster, therefore subverting all of known Werewolf History (yeah, okay, except for "The Howling" series and "Twilight" and "Underworld" and crap like that... shut up). Predatory, ruthless and power trippy to the max, she sees anyone who exercises self-restraint for the sake of others as their willing slave.
Like most Machiavellian people, there's also something magnetic about her; she exudes the sort of self-confidence and overt sexuality that is hard to ignore. She's hot, she knows it, and she's not afraid to use it to get what she wants, even if it means trampling on people who are in her way. She also named her band "Shy", because she is so cool and, like, ironically ironic. Cuz, like, she's not really shy or whatever. Get it?
In terms of the series arc, she's also more important than she might seem at first glance. She's presented as the Anti-Willow -- even more so than Cordelia, since the power Veruca wields isn't merely social and external. Veruca is powerful because she embraces her inner darkness, and "frees" herself from the bonds of a moral universe. Because of Veruca's actions, Willow offers us a preview of what's to come with her character when she decides to cast a spell to exact revenge on Oz (though she stops herself at the last minute, which only leads Veruca to mock her for her "weakness").
So, in addition to inspiring a main character to leave the show, Veruca inspires an even main-er character to touch the darkness in herself, and introduces us to a new angle of one of the Buffyverse's most important character arcs -- Willow's knack for magic helping her to sate her thirst for power, vengeance and control over her loved ones.
Now that's an awesome monster!
Fate:
Throat torn out by Oz. It did not have dressing on it, although her blood kinda looked like vinaigrette.
THE GENTLEMEN
Appears in:"Hush" (4.10) libraries museums college campuses churches, syngogues, mosques comedy clubs theaters the internet the halls of congress shit, these goddamned fucking assholes are EVERYWHERE
Quote:
"."
Awesomeness:
Ah the Gentlemen. Born from the Buffyverse's ever-subversive College Season, these guys are widely recognized as the creepiest TV thing to ever creep. They even earned Joss Whedon a poetically ironic award for "Best Writing" in an episode that featured almost no dialogue. So, what can be said about them that hasn't already been said a billion times?
Oh, I know! THIS:
During the 90's, American colleges experienced a boom in something called "speech codes": a chilling assault on free speech which was championed under the Orwellian rubrics of "tolerance", "diversity", "civility", and other friendly-sounding bromides to justify shutting people the fuck up. Like so many other episodes on the show, this local metaphor of the campus Speech Police has a bigger sibling in the world at large. Joss knows what all artists instinctively know: the enemies of free expression don't always show up to the party wearing jackboots and wielding steel batons. They sometimes go about their censoring ways wearing a polite smile, and claiming to be champions of freedom rather than enemies of it. According to these condescending, unctious, Nazi motherfuckers, the new language of liberty not only allows for censorship but actually demands it, because the most fundamental right of the individual is the right to not be offended by someone else's speech.
At the point in production when "Hush" was filmed, Joss was still probably a bit busy trying to get "Angel" off the ground. So the amount of care and attention he and the rest of the creative team put into this particular monster is very telling as far as how passionate they were about this episode. You can feel the artist's eternal cry of indignation in their construction -- the polite, inoffensive, civilized bastards who smile as they muzzle you and slice out your heart. These paragons of civility can hail from any political orientation, any color, creed or gender, any religion or absence thereof, but their subtext is always eerily similar: "If I don't like what you're saying, I'll force you to shut your fucking mouth."
Also... I mean, shit, these dudes are spooky-looking, just on a visceral, horror movie level. Everything about them invokes the metaphor of the officious, bloodless bureaucrat -- from their corpse-like flesh to their ghastly perma-grins to the way they hover a few feet above the ground. These gentlemen are above you lowly plebes, after all. They have many degrees and diplomas and certificates and badges, and they enjoy all the trappings of their authority and station as they go about their very important business of shutting you up.
Don't get me wrong. The Gentlemen aren't "bad" people (and "bad" is a very judgemental, intolerant term, if you ask me. It really ought to be banned). So what if they sometimes employ a bunch of drooling maniacs to be their enforcers, and destroy the lives of a few good people along the way? They just want to create a "safe space" for everyone to engage in civil dialogue, after all. And besides, isn't it worth giving up a few inalienable rights to get a little peace and quiet around here?
Fate:
MALCOLM
Appears in:Episode 1.08 ("I Robot, You Jane") internet chat rooms online dating websites "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen.
Quote:
"All I want is your love."
Awesomeness:
Malcolm Black (a.k.a "Moloch the Corruptor") is just your average, everyday demonic spirit trapped inside a book, digitally scanned into a computer, released into the internet and then downloaded into a robot body. He really digs nerdy chicks (and dudes!) and totally, like, understands them and stuff. He'll sit up all night chatting with them, listening to their problems and, like, just being there for them, you know? Okay not there-there, but there in a cyberpunky, virtual reality sort of way. You get my drift.
And, besides, it's not like your "real" friends understand you. Not like Malcolm does, anyway. He never rejects you, or gets bored when you gush about your favorite song or TV show. And best of all he doesn't want anything from you, except maybe your love. But you'd give him that anyway (duh!). It doesn't matter what kind of job he has or what kind of car he drives or what he looks like (though he doesn't sound like he's got a hairy back. Okay not sound-sound, but type-sound. You get my drift). What matters is that you made a soul connection online. You can feel his presence whenever his words pop up on the screen. When Malcolm types ":-)" you just know he is staring at the monitor with a creepy, dead-eyed expression flashing a totally cute and charming smile while he masturbates furiously into a damp paper bag pets his adorable cocker spaniel, Mr. Mugglesworth. And when he types ":..(", you can picture him flogging himself bloody with a birch rod made out of thorny brambles shedding a single, manly tear. He's just so great that way; he always conforms to the perfect image in your mind.
Yep, good ol' Malcolm. Always there when you need a friend, LOL. Hey, maybe you should, like, try to take things to the next level with him? You know, nothing serious, at first. Maybe just meet up at the mall or something. Or heck, why not just invite him over to your place? It's not like he could turn out to be some kind of dangerous weirdo - after all, this is Moloch the Corruptor Malcolm we're talking about! You two can enjoy a nice home-cooked meal, maybe watch a few sappy movies and, you know, talk all night, just like you usually do. :D.
I mean, so you only know him from the internet. So what?
What could possibly go wrong?
Fate:
Punches a wire and explodes.
More to come, but what do you guys think of my choices so far? What are some of your favorite Buffyverse monsters, and why?
Luckily, I didn't follow through with this dumb plan. Instead, I decided to write about my most favoritist subject in the whole wide world:
I know what you're thinking. No, no, I promise I'm not gonna get all "Joseph Campbell, Hero's Journey, Power of Myth" on you here (although, every Buffy fan should really consider reading some Joseph Campbell... and not the "Wikipedia" articles about them, the real, actual books... I'm just sayin', yo). I mean, sure, monsters represent all kinds of different things -- alienation, fear of the unknown, the manifestion of our yada-yada-et-ceteras. Also, some monsters have glowing eyes that shoot laser beams, though not many monster-historians are willing to acknowledge this.
*Happycat is one of our most successful modern-day monsters.
Anyway, BtVS had a very cool menagerie of monstrosities, and I want to tell you all about why I love them. Even leaving aside the Big Bads (each of who is wickedly cool for their own reasons), there are just so many awesome beasties-of-the-week to choose from. In fact, there are so many that I decided to split this post into two, so I can give each of these freaks their due propers.
In no particular order, here are the first five of my ten favorite Buffy monsters:
BIG BOB
Appears in:
Quote:
"LET'S GET SOME BEER, YEAH!"
Awesomeness:
Bob is one of those no-goodnick teenage party animals who just won't stay dead, even after being shot by an Armenian liquor store clerk. Every American high school contains at least one Bob (and some as many as fourteen, depending on class size). Loud, boisterous and gleefully sociopathic, Bobs are usually identifiable by their varsity sports jackets, constant bellowing, poor grades, terrible tastes in music, and the kind of wide-eyed, vacant stares that make you wonder whether souls can be measured by the teaspoon.
In that sense, the Buffyverse's Bob is a classic specimen of Bob-ness in general. His awesomeness is mostly derived from a kind of unflappability and youthful joie de vivre that can only be found in the exceptionally stupid. Moments after his trip back from Hades, his thoughts immediately turn to life's finer pursuits: catching up on crappy TV shows, guzzling down beer by the keg-load, committing felony assaults and blowing things up. As a result of his brash, roid-raging antics, Bob also creates the opportunity for Xander to wield the Buffy Axe.
Fate:
Re-killed when a vending machine crushes his head. Or maybe not; Bob's brain probably doesn't count as a vital organ.
GACHNAR
Appears in:
Quote:
“I am the dark lord of nightmares! The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!”
Awesomeness:
Gachnar was symbolic of how our fear of something is often disproportionate to the actual threat. He was also just the cutest little guy you ever saw in your life. Accidentally summoned by a bunch of slackjawed fratboy dipshits trying to make a Halloween decoration, this satanic smurf made up for his small amount of screen-time with one of the best reveals of any villain in the Buffverse.
And if that wasn't enough, he also uttered perhaps the most prophetic line in Buffyverse history as his dying words: "They're all going to abandon you, you know." So, there turned out to be something a bit ominous about this tiny freak after all, given not only the later events of "The Yoko Factor", but the longer, sadder arc of the show that culminates in season seven's "Empty Places", when the Slayer is kicked out of her own home by the people she loves. In that sense, I kinda like to think of Gachnar as The First's dorky little brother. He may not be big or very threatening, but he still knows what really scares you, deep down in your heart.
Fate:
Squished by a tennis shoe.
VERUCA
Appears in:
Quote:
"I like to eat. I hate chicks who are like, 'Does it have dressing on it?'"
Awesomeness:
Veruca was a hipster doofus and a wonderfully demented asshole who actually relished the idea of becoming a monster, therefore subverting all of known Werewolf History (yeah, okay, except for "The Howling" series and "Twilight" and "Underworld" and crap like that... shut up). Predatory, ruthless and power trippy to the max, she sees anyone who exercises self-restraint for the sake of others as their willing slave.
Like most Machiavellian people, there's also something magnetic about her; she exudes the sort of self-confidence and overt sexuality that is hard to ignore. She's hot, she knows it, and she's not afraid to use it to get what she wants, even if it means trampling on people who are in her way. She also named her band "Shy", because she is so cool and, like, ironically ironic. Cuz, like, she's not really shy or whatever. Get it?
In terms of the series arc, she's also more important than she might seem at first glance. She's presented as the Anti-Willow -- even more so than Cordelia, since the power Veruca wields isn't merely social and external. Veruca is powerful because she embraces her inner darkness, and "frees" herself from the bonds of a moral universe. Because of Veruca's actions, Willow offers us a preview of what's to come with her character when she decides to cast a spell to exact revenge on Oz (though she stops herself at the last minute, which only leads Veruca to mock her for her "weakness").
So, in addition to inspiring a main character to leave the show, Veruca inspires an even main-er character to touch the darkness in herself, and introduces us to a new angle of one of the Buffyverse's most important character arcs -- Willow's knack for magic helping her to sate her thirst for power, vengeance and control over her loved ones.
Now that's an awesome monster!
Fate:
Throat torn out by Oz. It did not have dressing on it, although her blood kinda looked like vinaigrette.
THE GENTLEMEN
Appears in:
Quote:
"."
Awesomeness:
Ah the Gentlemen. Born from the Buffyverse's ever-subversive College Season, these guys are widely recognized as the creepiest TV thing to ever creep. They even earned Joss Whedon a poetically ironic award for "Best Writing" in an episode that featured almost no dialogue. So, what can be said about them that hasn't already been said a billion times?
Oh, I know! THIS:
During the 90's, American colleges experienced a boom in something called "speech codes": a chilling assault on free speech which was championed under the Orwellian rubrics of "tolerance", "diversity", "civility", and other friendly-sounding bromides to justify shutting people the fuck up. Like so many other episodes on the show, this local metaphor of the campus Speech Police has a bigger sibling in the world at large. Joss knows what all artists instinctively know: the enemies of free expression don't always show up to the party wearing jackboots and wielding steel batons. They sometimes go about their censoring ways wearing a polite smile, and claiming to be champions of freedom rather than enemies of it. According to these condescending, unctious, Nazi motherfuckers, the new language of liberty not only allows for censorship but actually demands it, because the most fundamental right of the individual is the right to not be offended by someone else's speech.
At the point in production when "Hush" was filmed, Joss was still probably a bit busy trying to get "Angel" off the ground. So the amount of care and attention he and the rest of the creative team put into this particular monster is very telling as far as how passionate they were about this episode. You can feel the artist's eternal cry of indignation in their construction -- the polite, inoffensive, civilized bastards who smile as they muzzle you and slice out your heart. These paragons of civility can hail from any political orientation, any color, creed or gender, any religion or absence thereof, but their subtext is always eerily similar: "If I don't like what you're saying, I'll force you to shut your fucking mouth."
Also... I mean, shit, these dudes are spooky-looking, just on a visceral, horror movie level. Everything about them invokes the metaphor of the officious, bloodless bureaucrat -- from their corpse-like flesh to their ghastly perma-grins to the way they hover a few feet above the ground. These gentlemen are above you lowly plebes, after all. They have many degrees and diplomas and certificates and badges, and they enjoy all the trappings of their authority and station as they go about their very important business of shutting you up.
Don't get me wrong. The Gentlemen aren't "bad" people (and "bad" is a very judgemental, intolerant term, if you ask me. It really ought to be banned). So what if they sometimes employ a bunch of drooling maniacs to be their enforcers, and destroy the lives of a few good people along the way? They just want to create a "safe space" for everyone to engage in civil dialogue, after all. And besides, isn't it worth giving up a few inalienable rights to get a little peace and quiet around here?
Fate:
MALCOLM
Appears in:
Quote:
"All I want is your love."
Awesomeness:
Malcolm Black (a.k.a "Moloch the Corruptor") is just your average, everyday demonic spirit trapped inside a book, digitally scanned into a computer, released into the internet and then downloaded into a robot body. He really digs nerdy chicks (and dudes!) and totally, like, understands them and stuff. He'll sit up all night chatting with them, listening to their problems and, like, just being there for them, you know? Okay not there-there, but there in a cyberpunky, virtual reality sort of way. You get my drift.
And, besides, it's not like your "real" friends understand you. Not like Malcolm does, anyway. He never rejects you, or gets bored when you gush about your favorite song or TV show. And best of all he doesn't want anything from you, except maybe your love. But you'd give him that anyway (duh!). It doesn't matter what kind of job he has or what kind of car he drives or what he looks like (though he doesn't sound like he's got a hairy back. Okay not sound-sound, but type-sound. You get my drift). What matters is that you made a soul connection online. You can feel his presence whenever his words pop up on the screen. When Malcolm types ":-)" you just know he is staring at the monitor with a creepy, dead-eyed expression flashing a totally cute and charming smile while he masturbates furiously into a damp paper bag pets his adorable cocker spaniel, Mr. Mugglesworth. And when he types ":..(", you can picture him flogging himself bloody with a birch rod made out of thorny brambles shedding a single, manly tear. He's just so great that way; he always conforms to the perfect image in your mind.
Yep, good ol' Malcolm. Always there when you need a friend, LOL. Hey, maybe you should, like, try to take things to the next level with him? You know, nothing serious, at first. Maybe just meet up at the mall or something. Or heck, why not just invite him over to your place? It's not like he could turn out to be some kind of dangerous weirdo - after all, this is Moloch the Corruptor Malcolm we're talking about! You two can enjoy a nice home-cooked meal, maybe watch a few sappy movies and, you know, talk all night, just like you usually do. :D.
I mean, so you only know him from the internet. So what?
What could possibly go wrong?
Fate:
Punches a wire and explodes.
More to come, but what do you guys think of my choices so far? What are some of your favorite Buffyverse monsters, and why?