A New Approach
I like this one. This is a new one. Im sitting here, at 4:35am, talking to a person. A real one, this time, I think. Lifes been calmer lately. I left Lei because he got violent, Im not saying Im happy or proud of the way things went down, but its all gone now. He doesnt seem to miss it and I dont think twice about it myself, its almost like those 2 years of my life never existed...that scares me, but what can I do about it, in all honesty? It was a very unfortunate learning experience...I guess those happen from time to time, throughout life.
So I start a new life again....Im sick of restarting to be sincere, but I guess thats just something you have to get used to when life plays hula hoop like a whirlwind.....I am optimisticallly awaiting the day I see things begin to settle back down again. Im staying back at Jesses....good times (sarcasm). Jesse said that we'd be cool, and we are.... but I cant help but feel like there are pages between us. Hes a completely different person than the one I met, yet....all the bad parts are the same. The parts that wont escape him. The drugs, mostly....the drugs and the lack of consideration are things that wont be resolved, never amended. Sucks to be him...thats how you get deserted.....for the third time. Under your own nose. Its not my fault he doesnt pay attention....its not my fault that he wants to make me happy, but wont take the time to figure out how. Now youre ousted...is that a word?
Now I sit here with butterflies over the phone, trying not to smile too much, but wanting to smile always. I cant help it, the kid has it. By "it" I mean the Kara "IT"........the way he can read my mind like no other, not even the ones that were close for years. Generally, I wasnt true to myself for years, I put up a front to be strong in the midst of the chaos, so whos surprised that I didnt attract someone that would make ME happy? Now that the internal is superficial, he just....came easy. And I dont want him to leave. No matter what he is or will become, hes etched into the fissures, for good. And hes hot. Like 90s hot. Like, CJ hot. HOT. Did I mention hes insanely attractive? AND HERES THE RANT....black glasses, flannels, cigarettes, skin, hair, eyes with tectonic flecks of my favorite color, the inclination of good intentions that eminatates from his presence (mad emo, right?), the way he catches the references, the way we dont have to say a thing, and choose to stay in contact.......12 hours at a clip. CASE IN POINT -- the way we can guess eachothers actions and laugh our asses off about it...its too easy. He has a mark on his face that Ill never forget, that I dont want to forget. I think Ill keep him......the pressure of his fingers lingers....tracing my spine like a road map to the island that I dream about when all hope is lost..."Just when she thought she had a back bone, some form of structure, she lost it....and his fingers, like the most alluring arcitect of sorts, rebuilt it from the base up, making her hold her head up with integrety that had long since been forgotten." This is a feeling that no one should be neglected in their lifetime. And now that Ive felt it once, Ill never want to let it go. Sounds creepy...
Obsessive all most? Best part is, this is gushing. Its not this intense all the time, but I feel all of that, all at once, the second that his lips are in close proximity....he calls them "mariposas"....but all I know is the flutter is outstanding. He stays in the brain for says and he says he likes it, he says its comfortable there and hed stay forever if he could. Listening to the ramblings of the most intelligent idiot savant unknown to man..... He was a sly fox, wasnt he? He knew it, it worked for him, a patient product of how to use the system in which he was created, not by choice, but by circumstance. He scavenged the dark allies of my unconcious, looking for a means to dispose of his dirty laundry, all at my expense. He was smarter than he looked, by appearance, but im sure you already have that in place, dont you now? Well here he is.....alone. Thats what he looks like to me. Alone, and slightly irritated, but too nice to show it. He seems frustrated in the ways that would only described as "anam cara", but he is intense and full of prospect, the kind of prospect that makes someone so curious there is no doubt, no other sense of fulfillment other than listening to the opinion of someone that holds the exact same general interest....the same flow. Thats what it is, he has the flow. Csikszentmihalyi would be proud....
Digress. Shower time.Then hopefully a happy rumble in this empty sack, followed by smiles from the one who holds the net....Jesus Brad, its just too eay. Take it alraedy. But keep it safe.....
So I start a new life again....Im sick of restarting to be sincere, but I guess thats just something you have to get used to when life plays hula hoop like a whirlwind.....I am optimisticallly awaiting the day I see things begin to settle back down again. Im staying back at Jesses....good times (sarcasm). Jesse said that we'd be cool, and we are.... but I cant help but feel like there are pages between us. Hes a completely different person than the one I met, yet....all the bad parts are the same. The parts that wont escape him. The drugs, mostly....the drugs and the lack of consideration are things that wont be resolved, never amended. Sucks to be him...thats how you get deserted.....for the third time. Under your own nose. Its not my fault he doesnt pay attention....its not my fault that he wants to make me happy, but wont take the time to figure out how. Now youre ousted...is that a word?
Now I sit here with butterflies over the phone, trying not to smile too much, but wanting to smile always. I cant help it, the kid has it. By "it" I mean the Kara "IT"........the way he can read my mind like no other, not even the ones that were close for years. Generally, I wasnt true to myself for years, I put up a front to be strong in the midst of the chaos, so whos surprised that I didnt attract someone that would make ME happy? Now that the internal is superficial, he just....came easy. And I dont want him to leave. No matter what he is or will become, hes etched into the fissures, for good. And hes hot. Like 90s hot. Like, CJ hot. HOT. Did I mention hes insanely attractive? AND HERES THE RANT....black glasses, flannels, cigarettes, skin, hair, eyes with tectonic flecks of my favorite color, the inclination of good intentions that eminatates from his presence (mad emo, right?), the way he catches the references, the way we dont have to say a thing, and choose to stay in contact.......12 hours at a clip. CASE IN POINT -- the way we can guess eachothers actions and laugh our asses off about it...its too easy. He has a mark on his face that Ill never forget, that I dont want to forget. I think Ill keep him......the pressure of his fingers lingers....tracing my spine like a road map to the island that I dream about when all hope is lost..."Just when she thought she had a back bone, some form of structure, she lost it....and his fingers, like the most alluring arcitect of sorts, rebuilt it from the base up, making her hold her head up with integrety that had long since been forgotten." This is a feeling that no one should be neglected in their lifetime. And now that Ive felt it once, Ill never want to let it go. Sounds creepy...
Obsessive all most? Best part is, this is gushing. Its not this intense all the time, but I feel all of that, all at once, the second that his lips are in close proximity....he calls them "mariposas"....but all I know is the flutter is outstanding. He stays in the brain for says and he says he likes it, he says its comfortable there and hed stay forever if he could. Listening to the ramblings of the most intelligent idiot savant unknown to man..... He was a sly fox, wasnt he? He knew it, it worked for him, a patient product of how to use the system in which he was created, not by choice, but by circumstance. He scavenged the dark allies of my unconcious, looking for a means to dispose of his dirty laundry, all at my expense. He was smarter than he looked, by appearance, but im sure you already have that in place, dont you now? Well here he is.....alone. Thats what he looks like to me. Alone, and slightly irritated, but too nice to show it. He seems frustrated in the ways that would only described as "anam cara", but he is intense and full of prospect, the kind of prospect that makes someone so curious there is no doubt, no other sense of fulfillment other than listening to the opinion of someone that holds the exact same general interest....the same flow. Thats what it is, he has the flow. Csikszentmihalyi would be proud....
Digress. Shower time.Then hopefully a happy rumble in this empty sack, followed by smiles from the one who holds the net....Jesus Brad, its just too eay. Take it alraedy. But keep it safe.....