Well, Haven't Done This in Awhile
I know no one is reading this at the moment as I have no friends, but I forgot how much I loved LJ. I had one when I was 14 and was sooooo emo in it. I fear this will probably turn into something similar. I'm going to use LJ to rant. It'll probably be used instead of talking to someone as currently, though I do have friends off of the internet, it's really hard to talk to them. I mean I have like two groups of friends. The one group is three girls and we bitch a lot. I mean we are girls, that's what we do, but I'm more of the listener amongst them. And that is fine with me. Most of my problems are kinda heavy. Not saying some of Kristen's aren't, but like... I've just been the type of person to deal with things internally. I hate talking to people about some of my problems, because I don't want pity. Also, the second group of my friends I just started hanging out with like 2 weeks ago... and they are all guys. Which is great because guys don't talk about their problems. I can just go and hang out with them and pretend like everything is fine. Plus, I'm fantastic at pretending everything is alright. But the downside is that I'm just masking it so when I'm by myself I sorta end up in this sad/ lonely state.
So, I decided to get an LJ when my one friend, Haya, suggested it. He has one and sometimes he uses it to vent. So viola, here I am.
About me:
Well, currently, I'm alright. I'm sticking in there. I'm back on an old site that helps me deal with my depression issues. Even if I don't post there as much, at least I know that I could if I needed to. I mean I'm not going all suicidal here (I love life), but sometimes I get all over analytical and start really bashing myself.
Like lately, I'm doing horrible in my classes. And I am so apathetic. It's like "Meh, whatever..." Especially in math... I mean it's math. No one is expecting to do well in it anyway... so even though I got a 40 on the last exam, whatever... I have a quiz tomorrow. I missed class Friday. I skip that class all the time. I know that I shouldn't but you do not understand my loathing for math. I HATE it... I think I'll google some of the lesson plans and see what's going on. I also have to do a bit in Geology and see if my German professor emailed me back.
Those are my majors for the time being. I'm rather a passionate person and even though I hate the classes, Geology is actually pretty cool. I mean I pretty much went full circle as I wanted to be a Paleontologist. I mean I know this is different, but there is actually some classes I can take on fossils. That'd be cool. I also really love languages. One of my goals in life is to be multilingual. I mean I'm semi-fluent in German, hence why it's my major.
I guess it all boils down to if I actually like the class. Because I am doing well in my HDF class and my German. BIO is pretty much "meh", as well as Math and I probably tanked my GEO test as I fucked up an entire section as I forgot to study for that part. So the highest I can get is an 85%. Whatever, I'll try and do better. And at least this GEO lab isn't as bad as 103. I may pull off a B which would be awesome.
I don't know what to do about living next year.
You see, I am from Pa, but go to URI. So clearly I can't commute. I don't drive, so I'm not getting an apartment. I was supposed to room with my friend, Kristen, but she is probably transferring to UMass. So, I'll just sign up for CELS, probably. Or IEP. Whatevskies.
I actually wasn't going to come back this semester. My dad called me the day classes started and was going to come and pick me up. He was really worried about my anxiety. I sort of got a little violent during my last breakdown on Christmas. But I've actually never had an attack here, so I should be alright. And so far, I am. I mean I get anxious easily, but for the most part I'm alright.
I was a bit worried after everything went down with this kid that I sorta hooked up. He turned out to be a dick. But whatever. I am alright. I suppose I knew that nothing was going to happen, but unfortunately, that's all I can get. I know I'm going to go on about myself and yes, I do have a negative self image. It's what happens when all you here is how wrong you are.
But seriously, even though I like someone right now, I just know nothing will happen. This is me we are talking about. I only get the guys that want me for that one night and then pretty much don't talk to me (ever, in the case of one of the kids I hooked up). I have had like 3-4 boyfriends. The first one was the only one that was a decent person, but he pretty much dropped off the planet. Then one cheated on me. The next one was emotionally and verbally abusive. And my last bf? Yeah, he was fucking cracked.
So, yeah...
Whatever...
I'm kind of sleepy. I think I'm going to cut it here.
So, I decided to get an LJ when my one friend, Haya, suggested it. He has one and sometimes he uses it to vent. So viola, here I am.
About me:
Well, currently, I'm alright. I'm sticking in there. I'm back on an old site that helps me deal with my depression issues. Even if I don't post there as much, at least I know that I could if I needed to. I mean I'm not going all suicidal here (I love life), but sometimes I get all over analytical and start really bashing myself.
Like lately, I'm doing horrible in my classes. And I am so apathetic. It's like "Meh, whatever..." Especially in math... I mean it's math. No one is expecting to do well in it anyway... so even though I got a 40 on the last exam, whatever... I have a quiz tomorrow. I missed class Friday. I skip that class all the time. I know that I shouldn't but you do not understand my loathing for math. I HATE it... I think I'll google some of the lesson plans and see what's going on. I also have to do a bit in Geology and see if my German professor emailed me back.
Those are my majors for the time being. I'm rather a passionate person and even though I hate the classes, Geology is actually pretty cool. I mean I pretty much went full circle as I wanted to be a Paleontologist. I mean I know this is different, but there is actually some classes I can take on fossils. That'd be cool. I also really love languages. One of my goals in life is to be multilingual. I mean I'm semi-fluent in German, hence why it's my major.
I guess it all boils down to if I actually like the class. Because I am doing well in my HDF class and my German. BIO is pretty much "meh", as well as Math and I probably tanked my GEO test as I fucked up an entire section as I forgot to study for that part. So the highest I can get is an 85%. Whatever, I'll try and do better. And at least this GEO lab isn't as bad as 103. I may pull off a B which would be awesome.
I don't know what to do about living next year.
You see, I am from Pa, but go to URI. So clearly I can't commute. I don't drive, so I'm not getting an apartment. I was supposed to room with my friend, Kristen, but she is probably transferring to UMass. So, I'll just sign up for CELS, probably. Or IEP. Whatevskies.
I actually wasn't going to come back this semester. My dad called me the day classes started and was going to come and pick me up. He was really worried about my anxiety. I sort of got a little violent during my last breakdown on Christmas. But I've actually never had an attack here, so I should be alright. And so far, I am. I mean I get anxious easily, but for the most part I'm alright.
I was a bit worried after everything went down with this kid that I sorta hooked up. He turned out to be a dick. But whatever. I am alright. I suppose I knew that nothing was going to happen, but unfortunately, that's all I can get. I know I'm going to go on about myself and yes, I do have a negative self image. It's what happens when all you here is how wrong you are.
But seriously, even though I like someone right now, I just know nothing will happen. This is me we are talking about. I only get the guys that want me for that one night and then pretty much don't talk to me (ever, in the case of one of the kids I hooked up). I have had like 3-4 boyfriends. The first one was the only one that was a decent person, but he pretty much dropped off the planet. Then one cheated on me. The next one was emotionally and verbally abusive. And my last bf? Yeah, he was fucking cracked.
So, yeah...
Whatever...
I'm kind of sleepy. I think I'm going to cut it here.