3 am
So, it's 3 am and I'm feeling rather low. I called my dad earlier. He thinks its my anxiety about everything transferring over, but I can tell he is really worried about. Especially if I'm here and not there. He's seriously the only one that can get me remotely sane when I have a panic or anxiety attack. He says I just have to stick it out a bit longer.
But it's weird thinking about leaving here. I'm really going to miss everyone. These past two months or so have really been fun. I think my anxiety has lessoned. And I bridges aren't too bad. I think you can thank Kyle and Ryan for playing video games and me getting used to falling off things. Even if its just a game. I'm going to miss those nights where I have nothing to do and chill in their dorm for hours on end. I'm gunna miss getting stoned off my ass with them and saying ridiculous things and laughing my ass off at Kyle. Gunna miss practicing how to call and order food with Ryan. ("Nope, I lied..." "Ryan, you can't say that..." "Haha, I can't say that.") Despite everything else that has happened here (Tom situation) and everything with school, I'll miss it.
It makes me reconsider everything, but I really have to figure myself out. I need to be home. It's time to get serious. This is the rest of my life on the line (not to be over dramatic). What's happened in the past has happened. I've done what I can on my own, now I really need to put my pride aside and fix myself. I don't know where to go or where to turn, but for once, I want to be normal. I know there is no such thing, but I can't live like this forever. I think that's why my anxiety is so bad. I keep grasping at the seams of my life and I'm so scared things are going to fall apart like they did in December or last July.
I don't know why I'm like this, but I am.
But it's weird thinking about leaving here. I'm really going to miss everyone. These past two months or so have really been fun. I think my anxiety has lessoned. And I bridges aren't too bad. I think you can thank Kyle and Ryan for playing video games and me getting used to falling off things. Even if its just a game. I'm going to miss those nights where I have nothing to do and chill in their dorm for hours on end. I'm gunna miss getting stoned off my ass with them and saying ridiculous things and laughing my ass off at Kyle. Gunna miss practicing how to call and order food with Ryan. ("Nope, I lied..." "Ryan, you can't say that..." "Haha, I can't say that.") Despite everything else that has happened here (Tom situation) and everything with school, I'll miss it.
It makes me reconsider everything, but I really have to figure myself out. I need to be home. It's time to get serious. This is the rest of my life on the line (not to be over dramatic). What's happened in the past has happened. I've done what I can on my own, now I really need to put my pride aside and fix myself. I don't know where to go or where to turn, but for once, I want to be normal. I know there is no such thing, but I can't live like this forever. I think that's why my anxiety is so bad. I keep grasping at the seams of my life and I'm so scared things are going to fall apart like they did in December or last July.
I don't know why I'm like this, but I am.