Ah wouldn't that be neat to cast aside the past and be friends again?
October and March...
What a crazy two months out of the year they always seem to be for me.
October and March are the two months that the weather changes from hot to cold and cold to hot in Florida, and with that transition the same reaction happens to me everytime.
I get this sudden surge of overall well-being. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically I feel ten times more alive than I do at any other time of year. I become extremely productive-taking care of tasks I put off for months in a matter of minutes-as well as not feeling so rotten even on really bad days. I also become creatively inspired, and practically push out new projects and ideas for projects like an assembly line.
I feel alot more awake, and seem to take in each and every sense the outside brings no matter the time of day. I just FEEL better in these two months.
And...always...I get nostalgic.
I can't explain why, but these two months always bring me into a weird nostalgia phase that causes me to look at past photos, old friends myspaces, read old entries of journals, and so forth.
It's all a bit odd in some cases, for instance I might check out a profile of someone I haven't spoken to in ages-usually because it was a relationship gone sour or some fight that caused the two of us to stop being friends-and I'll get nostalgic about the good times we had and even for a moment consider rekindling that friendship before backing down when reality slaps me into my senses. I don't think I could ever really try to rekindle those kind of friends again because they are usually completely against me and probably are still holding onto that grudge...
This month, now only in its third day, is no exception to the "Weather Change" rule. Already I went from harmless old photo browsing to profile scanning.
The first thing I did was when I was at work a couple days ago. I had finished everything I had to do and since there are so many firewalls online I just played around on Google Earth for a bit.
First, I shot over to Las Vegas and checked out the old longboarding path, thinking fondly about the times Jumpy, Professa Ivey, and myself used to longboard around that area, starting at the "Anal Hospital" and shooting around "The Square" before heading everywhere else in the Centennial Hills area. I zoomed in a little more on that square we traditionally skateboarded on to check out the playground in the center where Ivey and I got in trouble one night out relaxing and drinking beers there (the guy thought we were vandals). ...This playground is literally right behind her old house. Tempted, I focused on that old house and remembered fulfilling my promise that I'd reach it one night with Jumpy even though she moved from that place months before....that caused me to shoot down the road and look at her newest place she lives. I stared at the stretch of street in front of her house, remembered my car being parked there on one absolutely freezing night as I sat in it scared to go to the door to give her her birthday present. As much as I loved her, she always filled me with fear, and I remember finally getting the courage to walk to her door and knock on it just slightly after noticing a car leaving her house (her parents it wound up being, she wasn't even home that night). How strangely vivid it all is each time I look back upon it...
Yesterday morning a photo of me and a girl I dated showed up on my screen saver (random photos) and I felt compelled to go through a friend's page and see if I could possibly check out this woman's myspace. We don't talk anymore, haven't spoken to one another in a couple years now actually. I liked her alot and wanted to give this girl every chance I could, but when she surprisingly went increasingly too fast for me (as far as wanting to move back to Orlando with me when we had only known each other for a few weeks) we had very big fighting issues and split up. Even though most of our short lived relationship was nothing but sex, I looked fondly at her photos as if I had missed a friend who had long since moved away. We did split on a decently neutral understanding, so as I looked at these photos and felt an attachment towards them I actually for a moment considered sending her a message to try and rekindle some kind of connection (obviously not relationship wise because I'm already taken but yeah) and then promptly rejected the idea because #1 I think I wanted her again for that pretty face I liked so much and #2 I'm pretty sure despite a neutral separation she has some sort of anti-Tommy grudge and wouldn't speak to me anyway. I kept my favorite photo of her collection anyway in case I had another nostalgia moment about her.
The very most recent moment was actually of just this last July living in my apartment in Sundance. I was still good friends with Ryan, Kyle, Jason, and some of Jason's friends, as well as dating a girl who was an old friend I've wanted to be with for quite some time. Although a few moments of rememberance for those drinking parties we had in that apartment went by, the real main point of the flashback was just about how beautiful Clermont looked that month. Seriously. Thats it. The thunderstorms, sun setting while listening to children yelling and screaming in happiness at the park nearby, glancing up the hill of stacked houses across the lake I used to go on late-night walks at, the time Ryan and I ordered pizza and then were scared for the pizza delivery guy because a hurricane-like storm happened to hit around the same time the guy was supposed to come, random middle of the night drunken walking trips to Wal-Mart to do god-knows-what after a long night of drinking and smoking hookah, walking around with my date whom I considered to make my girlfriend as soon as I finished moving in (hah that didn't happen fast enough for her apparently). Being out in the middle of the night talking to Vegas friends about how much I miss them. Ahh it was a good month really. I didn't start working in my first civilian job since the military until the end of that month, so I was living in this apartment like it was my summer home, and I was ever so happy to be back in Florida in the summertime again.
Here I thought about talking to a few of these people again. Ryan wouldn't talk to me I'm aware of such and I probably don't mind that one bit considering how low he's stooped over the years, Kyle would chat with me but he's in his own world now and doesn't seem to have time for much on this side of the country, Jason I still hang out with, and even though the girl apologized for being the way she was towards me (long story) I still have a bit of feelings for her that would just make my relationship with my girlfriend complicated and that's not worth it. I can't move back to Clermont either because it's not close enough to the college...so that fond memory will and can be a place to visit from time to time if I ever feel the desire to drive down there.
The biggest most common nostalgia is thinking about the most dramatic life-changing thing that's happened in my life...HER. It's so easy to start into that, and so far I've been trying to block her image out of my mind. If situations like the Google Earth thing come up again, I will just think about the situation and not the face behind the reason. I have a real strong mental block against this girl now and hopefully my nostalgia will not bust the painful memories through.
What an exciting time of year isn't it?
What a crazy two months out of the year they always seem to be for me.
October and March are the two months that the weather changes from hot to cold and cold to hot in Florida, and with that transition the same reaction happens to me everytime.
I get this sudden surge of overall well-being. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically I feel ten times more alive than I do at any other time of year. I become extremely productive-taking care of tasks I put off for months in a matter of minutes-as well as not feeling so rotten even on really bad days. I also become creatively inspired, and practically push out new projects and ideas for projects like an assembly line.
I feel alot more awake, and seem to take in each and every sense the outside brings no matter the time of day. I just FEEL better in these two months.
And...always...I get nostalgic.
I can't explain why, but these two months always bring me into a weird nostalgia phase that causes me to look at past photos, old friends myspaces, read old entries of journals, and so forth.
It's all a bit odd in some cases, for instance I might check out a profile of someone I haven't spoken to in ages-usually because it was a relationship gone sour or some fight that caused the two of us to stop being friends-and I'll get nostalgic about the good times we had and even for a moment consider rekindling that friendship before backing down when reality slaps me into my senses. I don't think I could ever really try to rekindle those kind of friends again because they are usually completely against me and probably are still holding onto that grudge...
This month, now only in its third day, is no exception to the "Weather Change" rule. Already I went from harmless old photo browsing to profile scanning.
The first thing I did was when I was at work a couple days ago. I had finished everything I had to do and since there are so many firewalls online I just played around on Google Earth for a bit.
First, I shot over to Las Vegas and checked out the old longboarding path, thinking fondly about the times Jumpy, Professa Ivey, and myself used to longboard around that area, starting at the "Anal Hospital" and shooting around "The Square" before heading everywhere else in the Centennial Hills area. I zoomed in a little more on that square we traditionally skateboarded on to check out the playground in the center where Ivey and I got in trouble one night out relaxing and drinking beers there (the guy thought we were vandals). ...This playground is literally right behind her old house. Tempted, I focused on that old house and remembered fulfilling my promise that I'd reach it one night with Jumpy even though she moved from that place months before....that caused me to shoot down the road and look at her newest place she lives. I stared at the stretch of street in front of her house, remembered my car being parked there on one absolutely freezing night as I sat in it scared to go to the door to give her her birthday present. As much as I loved her, she always filled me with fear, and I remember finally getting the courage to walk to her door and knock on it just slightly after noticing a car leaving her house (her parents it wound up being, she wasn't even home that night). How strangely vivid it all is each time I look back upon it...
Yesterday morning a photo of me and a girl I dated showed up on my screen saver (random photos) and I felt compelled to go through a friend's page and see if I could possibly check out this woman's myspace. We don't talk anymore, haven't spoken to one another in a couple years now actually. I liked her alot and wanted to give this girl every chance I could, but when she surprisingly went increasingly too fast for me (as far as wanting to move back to Orlando with me when we had only known each other for a few weeks) we had very big fighting issues and split up. Even though most of our short lived relationship was nothing but sex, I looked fondly at her photos as if I had missed a friend who had long since moved away. We did split on a decently neutral understanding, so as I looked at these photos and felt an attachment towards them I actually for a moment considered sending her a message to try and rekindle some kind of connection (obviously not relationship wise because I'm already taken but yeah) and then promptly rejected the idea because #1 I think I wanted her again for that pretty face I liked so much and #2 I'm pretty sure despite a neutral separation she has some sort of anti-Tommy grudge and wouldn't speak to me anyway. I kept my favorite photo of her collection anyway in case I had another nostalgia moment about her.
The very most recent moment was actually of just this last July living in my apartment in Sundance. I was still good friends with Ryan, Kyle, Jason, and some of Jason's friends, as well as dating a girl who was an old friend I've wanted to be with for quite some time. Although a few moments of rememberance for those drinking parties we had in that apartment went by, the real main point of the flashback was just about how beautiful Clermont looked that month. Seriously. Thats it. The thunderstorms, sun setting while listening to children yelling and screaming in happiness at the park nearby, glancing up the hill of stacked houses across the lake I used to go on late-night walks at, the time Ryan and I ordered pizza and then were scared for the pizza delivery guy because a hurricane-like storm happened to hit around the same time the guy was supposed to come, random middle of the night drunken walking trips to Wal-Mart to do god-knows-what after a long night of drinking and smoking hookah, walking around with my date whom I considered to make my girlfriend as soon as I finished moving in (hah that didn't happen fast enough for her apparently). Being out in the middle of the night talking to Vegas friends about how much I miss them. Ahh it was a good month really. I didn't start working in my first civilian job since the military until the end of that month, so I was living in this apartment like it was my summer home, and I was ever so happy to be back in Florida in the summertime again.
Here I thought about talking to a few of these people again. Ryan wouldn't talk to me I'm aware of such and I probably don't mind that one bit considering how low he's stooped over the years, Kyle would chat with me but he's in his own world now and doesn't seem to have time for much on this side of the country, Jason I still hang out with, and even though the girl apologized for being the way she was towards me (long story) I still have a bit of feelings for her that would just make my relationship with my girlfriend complicated and that's not worth it. I can't move back to Clermont either because it's not close enough to the college...so that fond memory will and can be a place to visit from time to time if I ever feel the desire to drive down there.
The biggest most common nostalgia is thinking about the most dramatic life-changing thing that's happened in my life...HER. It's so easy to start into that, and so far I've been trying to block her image out of my mind. If situations like the Google Earth thing come up again, I will just think about the situation and not the face behind the reason. I have a real strong mental block against this girl now and hopefully my nostalgia will not bust the painful memories through.
What an exciting time of year isn't it?