(no subject)
ok,im going to do a normal update...sorta.you see,i thought people,well "couples" had their problems and worked them out...?BUT,i didnt thinkif you loved someone so much that you would cause them to CUT.
Well you see,i was reading jenns livejournal and it said wat happened and all and then she said she cut not just once but twice or so she said.(culd be more).im PISSED at mysef bcuz i caused her to fuckin CUT!.like you ppl dont know what goes through a person's head when u find out the person you love, CUT bcuz of u being stupid and insecure with urself or u can call it jealousy,i dont give a shit what you call it,but thats what i was.I love jenn with everything i have,and i caused her to fucking mutalate herself in my room on my bed when i could of been there and stopped it or prevented it if only i wouyld stay in the same room when i am being stupid like i was being at the time.
I really dont care if none of this is making sense but i really need to get this out.Like seriosuly no one knows what it is liek when some one you love hurts themselves....idk how many times i have to say it for someone to understand me.There is no possible way you could feel what i feel like when i read in her LIVEJOURNAL that she CUT herself and i was to blame.she can say all she wants that i wasnt to blame but i will know it was bcuz of me bcuz she used my name and the word CUT in the same sentence the same line together.okay,yeah,go ahead and say im making a BIG DEAL out of this but i really dont care,this is my live journal and im going to say whats going on through my head and i dont care.
It scares me to know that i could do something wrong and then next thing i know jenn could be sitting in the other room cutting herself to pieces.
I stopped cutting bcuz she wanted me to,so i did.Believe me,i want to slide that blade across my wrists so bad,especially with the things that have been going on with my mom and joe and the result is me,and then the whole joe chocking me thing....if jenn werent there i would of cut bcuz i felt helpless,i felt like i let him hurt jenn and i just stood there liek a fuckin idiot gasping for air while he slammed her head into the fucking car!THAT! Right there,made me want to cut away everything i felt.The uselessness,the helplessness,the vulnerability that i was feeling, i could of made it all go away but i didnt.i just bottled it up liek i always do bcuz i was tryign to be strong bcuz jenn was shacking and i couldnt show that i was scared or nething bcuz i didnt want to make her worse and i didnt knwo what to do and i woudl of updated but i just told everyone the cover,i just told every1 wat happened and didnt exactly tell them what was goign on in my head btu right now i cant seem to contain my feelings but i dont care.go ahead and tell me i cant handle my emotions,tell me im over zelous,tell me im totally over reacting, believe me i ALREADY FUCKING KNOW! Dont think i havent been told this shit b4! I have so dont think if u do comment that u will be telling me nething i havent already heard.
If you r commenting i hope u r one of my closest friends who i would listen to bcuz if ur not then dont comment and if u do u best be ready for what i have to say to you.
so yeah im gonna go,im not madd im not pissed off im just glad i got to vent and now i feel much better and cant wait till tomorrow when i get to be with jenn and go swimming and have her back with me again.so i'll write later,Byez!
~i have a split personality,and a major mood disorder so dont mind what i have written,its just different sides of me all mangeled together in a journal entry.please dont take any offense to nethign i have said in here,as i have said b4,this is where i vent and i liek when my friend comment on it,it helps me sumtimes since i wont go to counseling.but yeah,take no offense and dont think im mad or pissed off bcuz im not it was just a spurr of the moment mood,i have alot of those,but if u dnt knwo me then u wont understand and if u do know me and still dont understand then u dont knwo me well enough or just dont care so yeah g2g ttyl byez!