(no subject)
When I came back to this site, I was so embarrassed by what I had written years ago. I have no better excuse than "I was young and immature" back then...which I suppose I was, but it was only two years ago. Although it doesn't seem too long in the grand scheme of things, when I think about 2009, it seems light years away. I think about the classes I was taking, what I wanted to do with my life, and how I viewed the relationships in my life. My mom had breast cancer and it was the closest I can ever remember being to her and my sister. I didn't trust anyone and I spent so much of my time trying to make others happy. I wanted to be liked by everyone when I was younger. It's weird, when you get older, you forget about pleasing others and struggle to please yourself. I may not be completely happy with myself today, but I know who I am. If somebody doesn't approve of what I am doing, I don't need them in my life.
I have had a really tough past 2-3 weeks. I started, and maybe ended, a relationship that I really wanted for the first time in a really long time. I started and ended my master's program at UB, which mainly is the source of the anxiety I have been having. And that anxiety is ultimately the reason for my return to this journal. I wanted somewhere to write my thoughts, 100% unedited or masked for others to judge.
I applied to this program at the last minute and didn't apply to any other master's programs. I didn't know if it was what I wanted to do, but I knew I didn't want to do school counseling. I thought that school psychology may be more of what I had in mind, a mixture of psychology and business. I spent the spring and summer anticipating the program, but not allowing myself to fully feel whatever it was that I was feeling: fear, anxiety, nervousness, indecisiveness. I should have known that it wasn't going to work for me. I should have known myself better than that. I should be more mature than that. As I sat in orientation last week, I couldn't help but day dream about a different career... could I be a math teacher? could I work in human resources? could I do hair and make up? could I organize and help plan weddings or big events? I tried my best to push this from my mind, concentrating on the things put in front of me.
What was that, you ask? Well a classroom of master's students, who from the very nature of the program, must be as smart or smarter than I. They must have experience and such passion for this profession. As we talked, I quickly "clicked" with a handful of the students. They told their stories and I told mine. They all worked at summit, on research teams, doing internships, etc. Although I had one internship last year, I still wasn't as enthusiastic about the start of this program. As we went around the room discussing our research interests, I worried at they got closer to me. I didn't know what to say. My research interests don't exist, I have none. This is the reason for my choice of a master's program. I don't want to research and I really don't have a particular interest in autism or ADHD. I want to do testing and get out of there. I don't want to be friends with these kids and although Belinda said I was, I don't think I connect well with the kids. I don't know how to handle myself. My heart breaks for the kids and I cry too easily. I'm affected by every little thing. That's how I am and how I've always been. I enjoy learning about disorders and psychology, in general. I just don't want to do counseling or group work or classroom lessons. I want a more straight forward career. I'm not a very good social person. I want to do something to requires multi-tasking and interviewing and making sure things are running smoothly. I want to take care of things, and not have constant worries about children. I would like to work in a school, but maybe I am better suited for somewhere else. Sometimes what you like and what you're meant to do are different.
I want to coach as I get older. I think my need for social interaction, and helping children and feeling like I'm doing good for the world in that way. Sometimes you don't have to get all of your satisfaction from your career. And I don't want ONE career. I want to be able to work and do more than just one little, technical thing (i.e. testing).
I worry so much that my decision was based on my anxiety. It may very well be my logical brain trying to justify me running from my anxiety. I worry that I might regret this decision someday or that I'll feel the same way when I'm in an MBA program. I know I have to go on in my school career, but I think it might be better to do so at a slower rate so I don't feel so suffocated. Right now, i feel like I can't breathe and that my whole life is over if I did this program. I am such a holistic thinker. I want to be happy with all things in my life... I want to work to have money, but not so much that I don't have fun either. I want to go to school, but not so much that I can't relax and do other things. I want to coach. I want to have a boyfriend and give him my attention for once. I want to be HAPPY.
I guess at the end of this, I'm just as confused as I was before. Maybe I ran away and am just fueling the anxiety. Maybe I really don't want to do school psychology. But you know what, I did what I did for a reason. I will find a way to fix it and be happy, in whatever I choose to do with whoever I choose to do it.
Deep breath. Keep moving forward. Most embarrassing, depressing, out-of-character thing I've ever done. And it's messing with me, probably less than the anxiety of the program, but it's still affecting me.
I have had a really tough past 2-3 weeks. I started, and maybe ended, a relationship that I really wanted for the first time in a really long time. I started and ended my master's program at UB, which mainly is the source of the anxiety I have been having. And that anxiety is ultimately the reason for my return to this journal. I wanted somewhere to write my thoughts, 100% unedited or masked for others to judge.
I applied to this program at the last minute and didn't apply to any other master's programs. I didn't know if it was what I wanted to do, but I knew I didn't want to do school counseling. I thought that school psychology may be more of what I had in mind, a mixture of psychology and business. I spent the spring and summer anticipating the program, but not allowing myself to fully feel whatever it was that I was feeling: fear, anxiety, nervousness, indecisiveness. I should have known that it wasn't going to work for me. I should have known myself better than that. I should be more mature than that. As I sat in orientation last week, I couldn't help but day dream about a different career... could I be a math teacher? could I work in human resources? could I do hair and make up? could I organize and help plan weddings or big events? I tried my best to push this from my mind, concentrating on the things put in front of me.
What was that, you ask? Well a classroom of master's students, who from the very nature of the program, must be as smart or smarter than I. They must have experience and such passion for this profession. As we talked, I quickly "clicked" with a handful of the students. They told their stories and I told mine. They all worked at summit, on research teams, doing internships, etc. Although I had one internship last year, I still wasn't as enthusiastic about the start of this program. As we went around the room discussing our research interests, I worried at they got closer to me. I didn't know what to say. My research interests don't exist, I have none. This is the reason for my choice of a master's program. I don't want to research and I really don't have a particular interest in autism or ADHD. I want to do testing and get out of there. I don't want to be friends with these kids and although Belinda said I was, I don't think I connect well with the kids. I don't know how to handle myself. My heart breaks for the kids and I cry too easily. I'm affected by every little thing. That's how I am and how I've always been. I enjoy learning about disorders and psychology, in general. I just don't want to do counseling or group work or classroom lessons. I want a more straight forward career. I'm not a very good social person. I want to do something to requires multi-tasking and interviewing and making sure things are running smoothly. I want to take care of things, and not have constant worries about children. I would like to work in a school, but maybe I am better suited for somewhere else. Sometimes what you like and what you're meant to do are different.
I want to coach as I get older. I think my need for social interaction, and helping children and feeling like I'm doing good for the world in that way. Sometimes you don't have to get all of your satisfaction from your career. And I don't want ONE career. I want to be able to work and do more than just one little, technical thing (i.e. testing).
I worry so much that my decision was based on my anxiety. It may very well be my logical brain trying to justify me running from my anxiety. I worry that I might regret this decision someday or that I'll feel the same way when I'm in an MBA program. I know I have to go on in my school career, but I think it might be better to do so at a slower rate so I don't feel so suffocated. Right now, i feel like I can't breathe and that my whole life is over if I did this program. I am such a holistic thinker. I want to be happy with all things in my life... I want to work to have money, but not so much that I don't have fun either. I want to go to school, but not so much that I can't relax and do other things. I want to coach. I want to have a boyfriend and give him my attention for once. I want to be HAPPY.
I guess at the end of this, I'm just as confused as I was before. Maybe I ran away and am just fueling the anxiety. Maybe I really don't want to do school psychology. But you know what, I did what I did for a reason. I will find a way to fix it and be happy, in whatever I choose to do with whoever I choose to do it.
Deep breath. Keep moving forward. Most embarrassing, depressing, out-of-character thing I've ever done. And it's messing with me, probably less than the anxiety of the program, but it's still affecting me.