I hate this.
"he is like my little brother and best friend. he is the nicest kid i have ever met." - quoting myself from a [private] entry a few weeks back.
So, I guess it's fair to say I can't stay close to people no matter how hard I try or how much I'd like to stay that way. I miss him so much more than I'd ever admit to anyone who knows about the situation. I hate feeling "betrayed" by a close friend, and listening as he throws my secret, embarrassing details back in my face... the things that he had always promised wouldn't be repeated. I know it's not a big deal, and it's not really betrayal, but it feels the same way. Just the way people snap from one person who would have your back for ANY reason, and did... to someone who has absolutely no care in the world for you, and will say (and knows what to say) just to upset me.
It's one thing to have lost contact with someone close for a short period of time. It happens sometimes, and sometimes it's my fault, and yes, I have seemed to do this with about 5 good friends in the past few weeks. But, it's a completely different feeling missing someone who you can call to tell them that.
And, maybe it'll pass, like most friendships go in cycles of closeness, but it just won't be the same as before.
Fuck trust. I hate that I never fully trust people. I hate questioning the trust I do put in them. And most of all, I hate that I get proven right, and therefore feel no need to change my thinking.
So, I guess it's fair to say I can't stay close to people no matter how hard I try or how much I'd like to stay that way. I miss him so much more than I'd ever admit to anyone who knows about the situation. I hate feeling "betrayed" by a close friend, and listening as he throws my secret, embarrassing details back in my face... the things that he had always promised wouldn't be repeated. I know it's not a big deal, and it's not really betrayal, but it feels the same way. Just the way people snap from one person who would have your back for ANY reason, and did... to someone who has absolutely no care in the world for you, and will say (and knows what to say) just to upset me.
It's one thing to have lost contact with someone close for a short period of time. It happens sometimes, and sometimes it's my fault, and yes, I have seemed to do this with about 5 good friends in the past few weeks. But, it's a completely different feeling missing someone who you can call to tell them that.
And, maybe it'll pass, like most friendships go in cycles of closeness, but it just won't be the same as before.
Fuck trust. I hate that I never fully trust people. I hate questioning the trust I do put in them. And most of all, I hate that I get proven right, and therefore feel no need to change my thinking.