Fic: UNIT Happy Ending
Okay, take two. My misgivings about putting this on Teaspoon, given its OC focus, overtook me, so I whipped it out of the queue and am posting it here instead.
Story: UNIT: Happy Endings
Author: lost_spook
Rating: All ages
Word Count: 4,450
Characters/Pairings: Tenth Doctor, Colonel Crichton, Nat, Tilly, Sergeant Kennedy, Captain Evered etc.
Warnings: None. (Very OC. Some fluff, even?)
Summary: June 1987: UNIT are having a wedding, but there are some troublesome uninvited guests - none more so than the Doctor.
***
Ceremony
*
Private Tom Robinson wasn’t fond of old churches; they were usually cold and dead, even when they were full of people. This one wasn’t so bad, even though it couldn’t be said to be full, despite the fact that a wedding was in progress. Robinson, however, found himself distracted from both the ceremony and the setting by the stranger in the row in front.
It wasn’t just that he was visibly more uncomfortable on the pew than Robinson felt - well, given, the way he shifted about like that - but the fact that he was a stranger. Normally, he would hardly expect to know everyone at a wedding, but in this case the man had sat down right in front of him - on the bride’s side.
It worried him. There he was, wearing a suit, but a businessman’s suit, not a wedding one, and sitting on the wrong side of the church to be an unfamiliar face. In the normal way of things, it’d go unnoticed, but this was a UNIT wedding and nothing was ever normal with UNIT. The groom had a small number of his family present; the bride had a lot of soldiers, a nurse and her ex CO’s elderly aunt. Tilly was a lost Victorian housemaid, so it was a bit difficult for her to invite the relatives, although she probably had great-great-nieces and nephews about the place when you thought of it.
So who was he? Robinson couldn’t help but worry he had something to do with Torchwood. The Colonel had put paid to their games and they hadn’t heard anything from them in a while, but maybe they thought they could get away with a bit of petty spite. It seemed silly, though, but he kept a close eye on him, in case he was thinking of trying something when it came to that part of the ceremony…
And the stranger raised his hand.
*
Robinson leant forwards. He was unarmed, so the best he could do was to press his fingers against the stranger’s back and say, “Say one word and I’ll shoot. I don’t care where we are.”
“Well, you ought to,” the man said, twisting around to give him an odd look. “This is a church. They used to be places of sanctuary -.”
He had a feeling he’d made a mistake, but other people were looking now. “Ssh.”
*
“Well?” said the man, once the wedding was over and they were back out in the sunlight. “What was that about? I go to scratch my head, which, all right, some people might feel is annoying, but pretty harmless. Unless you’re in the Fralian Galaxy where it can be a signal for - well, best not to go into that, but I’m not making that mistake again, I can tell you. You didn’t think I was about to shout out, did you? Any just impediment and all that? Even so, there was no need to turn violent. It’s not as if a shooting would have been any better. Even if you’d had a gun, of course - although I find it’s never safe to assume someone’s finger’s not loaded.”
Robinson gaped back at him.
“All right, just tell me why you thought I was out to throw a spanner in the works?”
He coloured. He could see now that he didn’t look the Torchwood type. “Well, I didn’t know. And I wasn’t going to let anyone do that, not to Dr Webber and Tilly. One of my mate’s brothers was dumb enough to try it once, as a joke, but the vicar couldn’t go on, even when he said he didn’t mean it. It’s illegal or something.”
“Yes, but why would you think anyone would?” he said. “Stranger wanders into the church, merely to observe the happy occasion and you immediately think he’s here to stop the wedding?”
He wished he’d go away now. “I thought you might be - I can’t say.”
“I’m the Doctor,” he said, with a smile. “You can tell me anything. Private Robinson, isn’t it? I don’t forget someone who had the good taste to shoot the Master.”
Now he stared, unable to help it. “You’re not the Doctor!”
“Well, I may look a little different, admittedly, but appearances are deceptive. Now, who did you think I was?”
“Torchwood,” he mumbled.
The Doctor raised his eyebrows. “Torchwood? I’m not very fond of them, either, so I sympathise with your reaction, but I hadn’t noticed them going round spoiling weddings. Something they make a habit of, is it?”
“They brought Tilly here,” he explained. “They didn’t like what the Colonel did.”
He leant back against the ancient, reddish stonework of the church’s outer wall. “Ah, now I get it. Poor old Tilly - and good for the Colonel.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Although, I’m still offended, mind. Read it in the Harbury Chronicle tomorrow morning and thought, a UNIT wedding - can’t have one of those without me. I mean, there was Jo’s, but that was more of an elopement. A proper, non-runaway thing - might be the only one. Probably wouldn’t be official without me - and I love a good, happy ending. So here I am, and then there’s you making threats and accusing me of working for Torchwood.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Oh, well, you were only trying to help, I suppose. Nice to see you. Pass my good wishes on to the happy couple, won’t you?”
Robinson turned. “Aren’t you going to speak to them yourself?”
“No. Not much point; it’d only take a lot of explaining and no one wants some Time Lord dropping by for the reception - I tend to be unlucky, as guests go. Nice to see you again, then, Private Robinson.” He held out a hand.
“Thanks.”
The Doctor screwed up his face briefly and turned back after only one step away. “By any chance is the Colonel making a speech?”
“I think so.”
He grinned. “Well - can’t miss that, then. And it’s not as if I’ve got any aliens after me right this minute, is it?”
“Sir?”
“Lead the way. I’m sure they’ll have room for me.”
Robinson realised belatedly that somewhere along the line he might have made a mistake.
***
Reception
*
They did at least manage to get through the meal before the first alien turned up, at the very moment Colonel Crichton got to his feet.
Watching, Captain Evered saw the (new) Doctor’s attention taken by something else, something as yet unseen across the other end of the room. The Time Lord’s hand went into his pockets and he whistled to himself as he made a realisation. “Ah. So I didn’t get around to taking that back to… Oh, no, no, no, no… Colonel!”
“Sir,” Evered said, getting to the point fractionally faster. “Everyone - get down!”
The next thing they all knew the table had been knocked over by an explosion that was more bright light and noise than anything worse. Evered reached for his gun in instinct, only to find he didn’t have one.
“Sorry about this,” said the Doctor, bounding over the fallen table. “They’re Ramelians - after this little thing. Look, you lot, if you’re wanting this, you can have it - I meant to bring back about half a century ago, but -.”
The Colonel pulled him to one side sharply and another energy beam shot across the room, singeing the wall behind where he had been standing.
“The leader,” said the Doctor. “Get him and all the rest - they’re linked - sort of, well, I was going to say psychic, but actually I think it must be more than that. That one over there.”
Evered glanced across the room. The few guests who had nothing to do with UNIT were mostly taking cover behind fallen tables, following the lead of some of the men and Angela. He ducked another shot as he made his way towards the Colonel (The current CO, Colonel Ashcombe, was holding the fort back at UNIT HQ).
“Is this your fault?” said Kate, Nat’s sister, emerging from behind the next table, slightly breathless, and making her way towards the Doctor. “Make them stop it!”
The Doctor turned towards her and raised his eyebrows. “I will. Like I said, we need to get at their leader - the tall one, to the side there - and duck!”
Even as he said it, Sergeant Kennedy got to her and pulled her down; Evered could hear her objecting to that as he turned his head back towards the Colonel and the Doctor.
“And, by the way,” added the Doctor, crouching down hastily, “not that I want to be the one advocating needless violence here, but you should know: not impervious to bullets, okay!”
The Captain made it over to his side. “Good to hear, sir,” he told him. “Only we’re not armed.”
“What, none of you?” he returned.
Evered turned his head back, keeping an eye on the situation at the same moment. “It’s a wedding, Doctor. We’re off-duty.”
“Ah,” said the Doctor. “Good point. I’ll have to… well… think of something. Sorry about this, by the way.”
“That one, you said,” the Colonel remarked, slowly moving down to their level and pulling out a revolver from within his jacket. He got back to his feet and fired at the tallest of the thin, red aliens who were now getting much too close to the guests. It jerked back and fell to the ground with an odd cracking sound. Behind it, the other aliens stopped and slowly melted into scarlet puddles about the room.
It looked almost like wax, thought Evered. He felt sure it was going to prove to be awkward to clear up.
“So,” said the Doctor, springing to his feet. “Interesting. Everybody here is unarmed, except you, Colonel. I thought you were supposed to be retired.”
He shrugged. “I wondered if someone might try something - Torchwood, perhaps.”
“Not you as well. Why do you lot think Torchwood go round wrecking weddings?”
The Colonel put the weapon away carefully. “I wasn’t far wrong. This could be their doing. It’d have to be something I couldn’t trace back to them, or they know they’d have to pay for it.”
“No, no,” said the Doctor, pulling out a small metal object with wires sticking out of it and lights flashing. “This little gizmo’s highly valued on Ramelia and since I forgot to pop it back the other day, or century, whichever way you want to look at it, I suppose it was only to be expected one of the more extreme groups would come after it. Probably the Cult of Graffi by the looks of things.”
Crichton looked back at him.
“Yes, sorry,” he said, coughing. “I’ll apologise to everyone. Still, UNIT’s used to this sort of thing, right? Business as usual.”
Evered looked around them at the upturned tables, broken glass and guests only now cautiously re-emerging. “Webber’s family aren’t.”
“Oh, they’ll get over it. You humans have this weird tendency to explain these things away -.”
The Captain reflected on that. It was partly true, but he didn’t think there was much that could be said to cover up hostile aliens shooting at guests during a wedding.
One Webber was picking herself up, slapping away the offer of a hand from Kennedy as she did so. Kate got to her feet, straightened the bridesmaid’s dress and faced the soldier. “What did you do that for?”
“Next time I promise I’ll let you get shot,” he returned. “You okay?”
She glared back at him. “I was, until some idiot decided to knock me over. I was getting down before you got in the way.” She walked away from him, giving her confused relatives a worried look as she did so. She reached the Doctor. “Now, who are you - and why did you do that?”
“I can explain everything,” he promised. “Sort of.”
Kate frowned. “Where are Nat and Tilly, anyway?”
“Back there,” said the Colonel, nodding towards one of the overturned tables.
She moved away. “Someone had better see to Grandma, but don’t think I’ve finished!”
“She won’t have done, either,” said Kennedy, joining them. “That’s the last time I go saving her life. I thought she was going to hit me.”
Evered nodded at him. “Better go and check the damage outside this room,” he advised. “Take Frazer with you. They can’t have marched through the hotel lobby unnoticed - there could be casualties.”
“Right,” said Kennedy, heading off.
The Captain would have followed, but he paused on being stopped by Nat’s mother, who put a light hand on his arm. She was slightly taller than her daughter, even without the hat she’d been wearing earlier. “Who is that man?”
“That’s the Doctor,” he said.
*
“Colonel Crichton,” Peggy Webber said, on reaching him. “What was all that about?”
He smiled slightly. “I’m not sure myself, but don’t worry - nobody seems to have been seriously hurt.”
The Doctor stepped forward. “Mrs Webber senior, I presume?” When she nodded, he shook her hand enthusiastically. “I’m sorry about all of this, but - well, aliens, and soldiers and scientists - you know how these things are.”
“No, I don’t,” she said. “I would very much like to, though. First, someone had better talk to everyone, don’t you think?”
Crichton nodded.
“Thank you,” she said. “Although what you can tell them to pass this over I don’t know. If this is the real reason everything was supposed to be kept as small as possible, I wish people would have warned me.”
He paused. “But you’re all right?”
“I don’t know,” she returned. “Oh, dear, I kept the guest list mainly to the Webber side of the family and you can’t imagine how awkward that makes everything, unless you want me to bore you silly with family nonsense, which of course you don’t.”
The Colonel looked to the Doctor.
“Oh, you’ll smooth things over,” he said. “You must have learned something from heading up UNIT, Colonel.”
***
To Have & To Hold
*
Behind the overturned table, Nat was hanging on to Tilly.
“I think they’ve stopped,” she said, twisting her head to try and look at him. “Nat? You can let go now.”
“Can I?” he countered.
She pulled away a little, biting back a laugh. “Now, don’t be silly.”
“Yes,” he said, helping her back into a sitting position and then leaning against the underside of the table. The Colonel was finally giving a speech, but a very different and far more practical one than he had presumably planned. “What was he thinking, bringing those things here? Everything’s nearly over and he turns up with a lot of aliens. Well, UNIT’s even less secret than before, because now half of my family know all about it!”
“Nat -.”
“Not to mention that we could have all been killed,” he added. “Great.”
“I don’t think anyone’s even been badly hurt.”
He turned his head to look at her. “Oh, well, that’s all right, then. You always know a wedding’s gone well when there’s been no fatalities.”
Tilly paused for a long moment and then said, “Was it all so very bad last week when I wasn’t here?”
He caught himself and coloured. Then he had to laugh, despite his annoyance. “Yes, it was. It’s not as if it can’t be bad enough, worrying about stopping whoever it is before we all die or the world ends or whatever, but this time I had to worry about us all dying or the world ending and not getting here at all.”
“Well, that’s just stupid,” she informed him. “That wouldn’t have mattered, not if the whole world had ended. And you worked it all out, didn’t you?”
He closed his eyes as he leant his head back. The table moved and he straightened up again. “Oh, I did. I took charge in no uncertain fashion and reached for the telephone. After a quick word with the Colonel, I obtained Miss Smith’s number. But don’t tell Colonel Ashcombe that, because he’s still annoyed that she managed to turn up, even though she buttered him up nicely and he was impressed with K9. Not that Miss Smith was best pleased, either. I think she prefers being where she’s not wanted - or maybe I wasn’t polite enough before I asked her to bring her dog with her.”
“Nat -.”
He shrugged. “Well, we needed to get it done quickly. I don’t know if I could have found an answer in the time without a bit of help. And if we hadn’t got an answer, we could all have turned into monsters by this time, or been sitting somewhere in quarantine, wondering if we were going to turn into monsters or not. I didn’t fancy that, thanks, not when I was supposed to be marrying you.”
“The Sergeant said you were so put out you cut off the creature’s head.”
Nat caught sight of tiny pieces of glass caught in the fabric of her skirt. “Stay still,” he said, picking them off. “Well, I don’t know why, because he knows that’s not true. It was me that killed it, but that was an accident anyway, and nobody cut its head off. It died just fine as it was.”
“How do you kill a monster by accident?”
He took her hand. “Quite easily, it turns out, if it’s running after you in this old stately home that they’d fixed up as a research centre and you grab one of those swords they have on the walls and it runs into it, which proves they weren’t just decorative, but -.” He shook his head. “And I don’t know if you can actually call it a monster as such when it was Professor Ringwood only a couple of days before.”
“Oh,” she said and tightened her hold on his hand. “Not a very good week, then.”
He swallowed. “No. And here we are, finally, and then he turns up and does this!”
“He didn’t spoil the important bit,” said Tilly. “This is only food and talk. We did the getting married part, in the church, without any aliens at all.”
“Well done us.”
She choked back another laugh. “Oh, but if it really is the Doctor, I don’t think he can help these sorts of things.”
“I’m sure,” he said, peering upwards and over the table, “but in that case, he shouldn’t go to people’s weddings - and what is he doing, talking to my Mum?”
She tugged at him. “I expect he just likes her. Why wouldn’t he?”
Nat kissed her.
“Not in front of people,” she said, in an undertone, when he pulled away.
He managed a laugh then. “Honestly, I don’t think you can count this as in front of anyone. How soon can we leave?”
“I think as soon as we make sure nobody really is hurt,” she said.
He said, “Good,” but he still didn’t move. “You know, I realised last week, I never thought this would really happen. I always thought something would turn up and stop us.”
“Oh?”
Nat grinned properly. “Not like that, Matilda. I don’t mean I didn’t want to, as you know perfectly well. It’s only - you appeared out of nowhere and maybe trying to keep you here was pushing my luck.” He searched for a way to explain it and then gave a slight smile. “You know, like all those folk tales where you do the wrong thing and the fairy wife vanishes forever and you’re left sitting around and wishing you’d listened properly.”
“Well,” said Tilly and then surveyed him closely for a long moment. “You didn’t hit your head, did you?”
He pulled himself up, tugging her up after, holding her momentarily to steady her, even though it was probably unnecessary. “No, I didn’t.”
She frowned and he laughed again, because he knew exactly what he’d said wrong this time.
“Don’t worry,” he told her. “I don’t think you’re at all like any kind of fairy.”
***
Aftermath
*
“Doctor,” said Nat, moving across. “Mum, I wanted to check you were all right, and say goodbye. I’ve got to get Tilly away before she decides it’s her duty to help clean up.” He gave the Doctor an enquiring glance. He wasn’t at all sure about this new Doctor; he was more than unhappy about his bringing unwanted guests, and he he’d rather he left his mother alone.
She caught at her son’s arm. “The Colonel made an effort to explain, but I suppose this isn’t the moment to talk to you about what you’ve got yourself into-.”
“No, definitely not,” said Nat, seeing a handy escape route, even if it was only temporary.
Peggy Webber sighed. “Well, I knew whatever you were doing it wasn’t something usual, but really, Nat!”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
She said, “The Doctor here was only telling me that he’d read one of your Dad’s papers.”
“Was he?” Nat turned, his anger reappearing at that. He must have let it show, since she nudged him and frowned at his rudeness.
The Doctor tilted his head. “I was, actually. Edward Webber, geologist, right? I never made the connection last time, but then it’s not an uncommon name, is it? And I was here on E - at UNIT, I mean - for years. I was investigating some odd bits and bobs from round Kilve and someone turned up an article he’d written on the area. Thought it might be useful to pay a visit, but found out that wasn’t possible, sadly. Nice turn of phrase he had going there, as well.”
“Right,” said Nat, relaxing. “Then, thanks.”
“And, out of interest,” the Doctor asked, a spark in his dark eyes, “if I’d been lying, were you going to have a turn up with me at your own wedding?”
He grinned. “I don’t know. Maybe. You’ve already made enough mess as it is, so it couldn’t have made things much worse.”
“I dunno,” said the Doctor, with a wink for Mrs Webber. “What’s UNIT is coming to these days? There’s the Colonel bringing firearms to a solemn occasion like this, and now the groom’s threatening to punch me.”
Nat cut in before his mum could tell him off. “Do you really blame me?”
*
“Help me, here,” said Kate to Sergeant Kennedy.
He followed her towards another overturned table at the opposite end of the room. “I don’t know. That depends on how polite you are this time.”
“I want to get these out of here,” she said, moving it slightly so that he could see the gifts lying there.
He looked at her. “All this, and now you’re making off with the presents? Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”
“Oh, I knew I should have found the Captain,” she said, giving him a glare. “Of course I’m not, but if we can get them into my car - I said I’d take them back, anyway - then people won’t know if something’s been broken. And I might have to have a look at some of them if they rattle a bit too much, or they’re going to come home to wrapped up boxes of glass and crockery.”
Kennedy wrinkled his nose. “That’s a point.”
“Yes, it is,” said Kate. “I might have known you lot would ruin the whole thing.”
He picked up a box and headed for the side door. “You’re not going to thank me, then?”
“No,” she said. “My elbow still hurts, if you want to know. If you help me with the rest of these, I will, though, because I’m not really dressed for carrying things.”
“Nice shade of blue,” he tried, as she followed with a far smaller gift in her arms.
Kate shook her head. “Well, it was before I got pushed down in the dirt by some clumsy soldier. Have you seen these marks?”
“Can’t look right now, love,” he said, marching on out into the car park ahead of her.
She took a deep breath to keep from exploding out of tight-fitting satin. “Oh! Just put the box down - I’ll do it myself! Go away!”
“No, no, you asked for my help.”
“I’ve changed my mind. Go away.”
He reached her mini. “You’re never going to get everything in there.”
Kate merely grimaced at him. “Ha ha. There isn’t an awful lot. Now, thank you for that, and go away and I’ll find some other soldier to bring the rest down if I need anyone.”
“Don’t think I’d better, Miss Webber.”
She opened the boot for him and he put down the box. “Don’t call me that. And why not?”
“Strikes me you’re probably in shock,” he informed her. “Someone ought to keep an eye on you.”
Kate sighed and shut the boot again, heading back inside. “After this, remind me never to talk to you again!”
*
“Now, Doctor,” said the Colonel, once the bride and groom had left, “I trust you’re going to help us deal with this mess?”
He nodded eagerly. “Of course. I shall be right off - get the trimetric device back to Ramelia before you can even blink.”
“I’m sure you will,” Crichton agreed. “After you’ve helped put things right here.”
“What? Sorry, Colonel, I don’t think I’d better wait around-.”
He smiled. “Oh, you will. Have you forgotten I’m armed, Doctor?”
“That, Colonel, would be cold-blooded murder.”
He thought. “I suppose I am retired these days, so maybe you have a point. However, I can’t help but wonder whether it counts as murder when you shoot an alien who’s turned up uninvited and led a group of hostile aliens to this location.”
“It certainly should.”
Crichton considered it closely. “You know, it doesn’t weigh with me quite as it ought to. Torchwood claim you’re a traitor as well, so once you take that into account, I think I might get some sort of commendation out of it.”
“This isn’t making me want to stay. I always knew UNIT would go downhill once Alistair left.”
“On the other hand, I’m not sure even your abilities are up to this one, Doctor.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “We need the whole place literally cleared up, preferably with no charges being made by the hotel for this. As you say - you’re not qualified to deal with it.”
“Colonel,” he said, “don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing there, but, now that I stop to think about it, I reckon I could come up with something nifty to get those Ramelian remains out of the carpet.”
Crichton reflected on this. “Doctor, you’re right. Just go. UNIT can clear up the mess. That is, after all, what we seem to be best at.”
***
Story: UNIT: Happy Endings
Author: lost_spook
Rating: All ages
Word Count: 4,450
Characters/Pairings: Tenth Doctor, Colonel Crichton, Nat, Tilly, Sergeant Kennedy, Captain Evered etc.
Warnings: None. (Very OC. Some fluff, even?)
Summary: June 1987: UNIT are having a wedding, but there are some troublesome uninvited guests - none more so than the Doctor.
***
Ceremony
*
Private Tom Robinson wasn’t fond of old churches; they were usually cold and dead, even when they were full of people. This one wasn’t so bad, even though it couldn’t be said to be full, despite the fact that a wedding was in progress. Robinson, however, found himself distracted from both the ceremony and the setting by the stranger in the row in front.
It wasn’t just that he was visibly more uncomfortable on the pew than Robinson felt - well, given, the way he shifted about like that - but the fact that he was a stranger. Normally, he would hardly expect to know everyone at a wedding, but in this case the man had sat down right in front of him - on the bride’s side.
It worried him. There he was, wearing a suit, but a businessman’s suit, not a wedding one, and sitting on the wrong side of the church to be an unfamiliar face. In the normal way of things, it’d go unnoticed, but this was a UNIT wedding and nothing was ever normal with UNIT. The groom had a small number of his family present; the bride had a lot of soldiers, a nurse and her ex CO’s elderly aunt. Tilly was a lost Victorian housemaid, so it was a bit difficult for her to invite the relatives, although she probably had great-great-nieces and nephews about the place when you thought of it.
So who was he? Robinson couldn’t help but worry he had something to do with Torchwood. The Colonel had put paid to their games and they hadn’t heard anything from them in a while, but maybe they thought they could get away with a bit of petty spite. It seemed silly, though, but he kept a close eye on him, in case he was thinking of trying something when it came to that part of the ceremony…
And the stranger raised his hand.
*
Robinson leant forwards. He was unarmed, so the best he could do was to press his fingers against the stranger’s back and say, “Say one word and I’ll shoot. I don’t care where we are.”
“Well, you ought to,” the man said, twisting around to give him an odd look. “This is a church. They used to be places of sanctuary -.”
He had a feeling he’d made a mistake, but other people were looking now. “Ssh.”
*
“Well?” said the man, once the wedding was over and they were back out in the sunlight. “What was that about? I go to scratch my head, which, all right, some people might feel is annoying, but pretty harmless. Unless you’re in the Fralian Galaxy where it can be a signal for - well, best not to go into that, but I’m not making that mistake again, I can tell you. You didn’t think I was about to shout out, did you? Any just impediment and all that? Even so, there was no need to turn violent. It’s not as if a shooting would have been any better. Even if you’d had a gun, of course - although I find it’s never safe to assume someone’s finger’s not loaded.”
Robinson gaped back at him.
“All right, just tell me why you thought I was out to throw a spanner in the works?”
He coloured. He could see now that he didn’t look the Torchwood type. “Well, I didn’t know. And I wasn’t going to let anyone do that, not to Dr Webber and Tilly. One of my mate’s brothers was dumb enough to try it once, as a joke, but the vicar couldn’t go on, even when he said he didn’t mean it. It’s illegal or something.”
“Yes, but why would you think anyone would?” he said. “Stranger wanders into the church, merely to observe the happy occasion and you immediately think he’s here to stop the wedding?”
He wished he’d go away now. “I thought you might be - I can’t say.”
“I’m the Doctor,” he said, with a smile. “You can tell me anything. Private Robinson, isn’t it? I don’t forget someone who had the good taste to shoot the Master.”
Now he stared, unable to help it. “You’re not the Doctor!”
“Well, I may look a little different, admittedly, but appearances are deceptive. Now, who did you think I was?”
“Torchwood,” he mumbled.
The Doctor raised his eyebrows. “Torchwood? I’m not very fond of them, either, so I sympathise with your reaction, but I hadn’t noticed them going round spoiling weddings. Something they make a habit of, is it?”
“They brought Tilly here,” he explained. “They didn’t like what the Colonel did.”
He leant back against the ancient, reddish stonework of the church’s outer wall. “Ah, now I get it. Poor old Tilly - and good for the Colonel.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Although, I’m still offended, mind. Read it in the Harbury Chronicle tomorrow morning and thought, a UNIT wedding - can’t have one of those without me. I mean, there was Jo’s, but that was more of an elopement. A proper, non-runaway thing - might be the only one. Probably wouldn’t be official without me - and I love a good, happy ending. So here I am, and then there’s you making threats and accusing me of working for Torchwood.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Oh, well, you were only trying to help, I suppose. Nice to see you. Pass my good wishes on to the happy couple, won’t you?”
Robinson turned. “Aren’t you going to speak to them yourself?”
“No. Not much point; it’d only take a lot of explaining and no one wants some Time Lord dropping by for the reception - I tend to be unlucky, as guests go. Nice to see you again, then, Private Robinson.” He held out a hand.
“Thanks.”
The Doctor screwed up his face briefly and turned back after only one step away. “By any chance is the Colonel making a speech?”
“I think so.”
He grinned. “Well - can’t miss that, then. And it’s not as if I’ve got any aliens after me right this minute, is it?”
“Sir?”
“Lead the way. I’m sure they’ll have room for me.”
Robinson realised belatedly that somewhere along the line he might have made a mistake.
***
Reception
*
They did at least manage to get through the meal before the first alien turned up, at the very moment Colonel Crichton got to his feet.
Watching, Captain Evered saw the (new) Doctor’s attention taken by something else, something as yet unseen across the other end of the room. The Time Lord’s hand went into his pockets and he whistled to himself as he made a realisation. “Ah. So I didn’t get around to taking that back to… Oh, no, no, no, no… Colonel!”
“Sir,” Evered said, getting to the point fractionally faster. “Everyone - get down!”
The next thing they all knew the table had been knocked over by an explosion that was more bright light and noise than anything worse. Evered reached for his gun in instinct, only to find he didn’t have one.
“Sorry about this,” said the Doctor, bounding over the fallen table. “They’re Ramelians - after this little thing. Look, you lot, if you’re wanting this, you can have it - I meant to bring back about half a century ago, but -.”
The Colonel pulled him to one side sharply and another energy beam shot across the room, singeing the wall behind where he had been standing.
“The leader,” said the Doctor. “Get him and all the rest - they’re linked - sort of, well, I was going to say psychic, but actually I think it must be more than that. That one over there.”
Evered glanced across the room. The few guests who had nothing to do with UNIT were mostly taking cover behind fallen tables, following the lead of some of the men and Angela. He ducked another shot as he made his way towards the Colonel (The current CO, Colonel Ashcombe, was holding the fort back at UNIT HQ).
“Is this your fault?” said Kate, Nat’s sister, emerging from behind the next table, slightly breathless, and making her way towards the Doctor. “Make them stop it!”
The Doctor turned towards her and raised his eyebrows. “I will. Like I said, we need to get at their leader - the tall one, to the side there - and duck!”
Even as he said it, Sergeant Kennedy got to her and pulled her down; Evered could hear her objecting to that as he turned his head back towards the Colonel and the Doctor.
“And, by the way,” added the Doctor, crouching down hastily, “not that I want to be the one advocating needless violence here, but you should know: not impervious to bullets, okay!”
The Captain made it over to his side. “Good to hear, sir,” he told him. “Only we’re not armed.”
“What, none of you?” he returned.
Evered turned his head back, keeping an eye on the situation at the same moment. “It’s a wedding, Doctor. We’re off-duty.”
“Ah,” said the Doctor. “Good point. I’ll have to… well… think of something. Sorry about this, by the way.”
“That one, you said,” the Colonel remarked, slowly moving down to their level and pulling out a revolver from within his jacket. He got back to his feet and fired at the tallest of the thin, red aliens who were now getting much too close to the guests. It jerked back and fell to the ground with an odd cracking sound. Behind it, the other aliens stopped and slowly melted into scarlet puddles about the room.
It looked almost like wax, thought Evered. He felt sure it was going to prove to be awkward to clear up.
“So,” said the Doctor, springing to his feet. “Interesting. Everybody here is unarmed, except you, Colonel. I thought you were supposed to be retired.”
He shrugged. “I wondered if someone might try something - Torchwood, perhaps.”
“Not you as well. Why do you lot think Torchwood go round wrecking weddings?”
The Colonel put the weapon away carefully. “I wasn’t far wrong. This could be their doing. It’d have to be something I couldn’t trace back to them, or they know they’d have to pay for it.”
“No, no,” said the Doctor, pulling out a small metal object with wires sticking out of it and lights flashing. “This little gizmo’s highly valued on Ramelia and since I forgot to pop it back the other day, or century, whichever way you want to look at it, I suppose it was only to be expected one of the more extreme groups would come after it. Probably the Cult of Graffi by the looks of things.”
Crichton looked back at him.
“Yes, sorry,” he said, coughing. “I’ll apologise to everyone. Still, UNIT’s used to this sort of thing, right? Business as usual.”
Evered looked around them at the upturned tables, broken glass and guests only now cautiously re-emerging. “Webber’s family aren’t.”
“Oh, they’ll get over it. You humans have this weird tendency to explain these things away -.”
The Captain reflected on that. It was partly true, but he didn’t think there was much that could be said to cover up hostile aliens shooting at guests during a wedding.
One Webber was picking herself up, slapping away the offer of a hand from Kennedy as she did so. Kate got to her feet, straightened the bridesmaid’s dress and faced the soldier. “What did you do that for?”
“Next time I promise I’ll let you get shot,” he returned. “You okay?”
She glared back at him. “I was, until some idiot decided to knock me over. I was getting down before you got in the way.” She walked away from him, giving her confused relatives a worried look as she did so. She reached the Doctor. “Now, who are you - and why did you do that?”
“I can explain everything,” he promised. “Sort of.”
Kate frowned. “Where are Nat and Tilly, anyway?”
“Back there,” said the Colonel, nodding towards one of the overturned tables.
She moved away. “Someone had better see to Grandma, but don’t think I’ve finished!”
“She won’t have done, either,” said Kennedy, joining them. “That’s the last time I go saving her life. I thought she was going to hit me.”
Evered nodded at him. “Better go and check the damage outside this room,” he advised. “Take Frazer with you. They can’t have marched through the hotel lobby unnoticed - there could be casualties.”
“Right,” said Kennedy, heading off.
The Captain would have followed, but he paused on being stopped by Nat’s mother, who put a light hand on his arm. She was slightly taller than her daughter, even without the hat she’d been wearing earlier. “Who is that man?”
“That’s the Doctor,” he said.
*
“Colonel Crichton,” Peggy Webber said, on reaching him. “What was all that about?”
He smiled slightly. “I’m not sure myself, but don’t worry - nobody seems to have been seriously hurt.”
The Doctor stepped forward. “Mrs Webber senior, I presume?” When she nodded, he shook her hand enthusiastically. “I’m sorry about all of this, but - well, aliens, and soldiers and scientists - you know how these things are.”
“No, I don’t,” she said. “I would very much like to, though. First, someone had better talk to everyone, don’t you think?”
Crichton nodded.
“Thank you,” she said. “Although what you can tell them to pass this over I don’t know. If this is the real reason everything was supposed to be kept as small as possible, I wish people would have warned me.”
He paused. “But you’re all right?”
“I don’t know,” she returned. “Oh, dear, I kept the guest list mainly to the Webber side of the family and you can’t imagine how awkward that makes everything, unless you want me to bore you silly with family nonsense, which of course you don’t.”
The Colonel looked to the Doctor.
“Oh, you’ll smooth things over,” he said. “You must have learned something from heading up UNIT, Colonel.”
***
To Have & To Hold
*
Behind the overturned table, Nat was hanging on to Tilly.
“I think they’ve stopped,” she said, twisting her head to try and look at him. “Nat? You can let go now.”
“Can I?” he countered.
She pulled away a little, biting back a laugh. “Now, don’t be silly.”
“Yes,” he said, helping her back into a sitting position and then leaning against the underside of the table. The Colonel was finally giving a speech, but a very different and far more practical one than he had presumably planned. “What was he thinking, bringing those things here? Everything’s nearly over and he turns up with a lot of aliens. Well, UNIT’s even less secret than before, because now half of my family know all about it!”
“Nat -.”
“Not to mention that we could have all been killed,” he added. “Great.”
“I don’t think anyone’s even been badly hurt.”
He turned his head to look at her. “Oh, well, that’s all right, then. You always know a wedding’s gone well when there’s been no fatalities.”
Tilly paused for a long moment and then said, “Was it all so very bad last week when I wasn’t here?”
He caught himself and coloured. Then he had to laugh, despite his annoyance. “Yes, it was. It’s not as if it can’t be bad enough, worrying about stopping whoever it is before we all die or the world ends or whatever, but this time I had to worry about us all dying or the world ending and not getting here at all.”
“Well, that’s just stupid,” she informed him. “That wouldn’t have mattered, not if the whole world had ended. And you worked it all out, didn’t you?”
He closed his eyes as he leant his head back. The table moved and he straightened up again. “Oh, I did. I took charge in no uncertain fashion and reached for the telephone. After a quick word with the Colonel, I obtained Miss Smith’s number. But don’t tell Colonel Ashcombe that, because he’s still annoyed that she managed to turn up, even though she buttered him up nicely and he was impressed with K9. Not that Miss Smith was best pleased, either. I think she prefers being where she’s not wanted - or maybe I wasn’t polite enough before I asked her to bring her dog with her.”
“Nat -.”
He shrugged. “Well, we needed to get it done quickly. I don’t know if I could have found an answer in the time without a bit of help. And if we hadn’t got an answer, we could all have turned into monsters by this time, or been sitting somewhere in quarantine, wondering if we were going to turn into monsters or not. I didn’t fancy that, thanks, not when I was supposed to be marrying you.”
“The Sergeant said you were so put out you cut off the creature’s head.”
Nat caught sight of tiny pieces of glass caught in the fabric of her skirt. “Stay still,” he said, picking them off. “Well, I don’t know why, because he knows that’s not true. It was me that killed it, but that was an accident anyway, and nobody cut its head off. It died just fine as it was.”
“How do you kill a monster by accident?”
He took her hand. “Quite easily, it turns out, if it’s running after you in this old stately home that they’d fixed up as a research centre and you grab one of those swords they have on the walls and it runs into it, which proves they weren’t just decorative, but -.” He shook his head. “And I don’t know if you can actually call it a monster as such when it was Professor Ringwood only a couple of days before.”
“Oh,” she said and tightened her hold on his hand. “Not a very good week, then.”
He swallowed. “No. And here we are, finally, and then he turns up and does this!”
“He didn’t spoil the important bit,” said Tilly. “This is only food and talk. We did the getting married part, in the church, without any aliens at all.”
“Well done us.”
She choked back another laugh. “Oh, but if it really is the Doctor, I don’t think he can help these sorts of things.”
“I’m sure,” he said, peering upwards and over the table, “but in that case, he shouldn’t go to people’s weddings - and what is he doing, talking to my Mum?”
She tugged at him. “I expect he just likes her. Why wouldn’t he?”
Nat kissed her.
“Not in front of people,” she said, in an undertone, when he pulled away.
He managed a laugh then. “Honestly, I don’t think you can count this as in front of anyone. How soon can we leave?”
“I think as soon as we make sure nobody really is hurt,” she said.
He said, “Good,” but he still didn’t move. “You know, I realised last week, I never thought this would really happen. I always thought something would turn up and stop us.”
“Oh?”
Nat grinned properly. “Not like that, Matilda. I don’t mean I didn’t want to, as you know perfectly well. It’s only - you appeared out of nowhere and maybe trying to keep you here was pushing my luck.” He searched for a way to explain it and then gave a slight smile. “You know, like all those folk tales where you do the wrong thing and the fairy wife vanishes forever and you’re left sitting around and wishing you’d listened properly.”
“Well,” said Tilly and then surveyed him closely for a long moment. “You didn’t hit your head, did you?”
He pulled himself up, tugging her up after, holding her momentarily to steady her, even though it was probably unnecessary. “No, I didn’t.”
She frowned and he laughed again, because he knew exactly what he’d said wrong this time.
“Don’t worry,” he told her. “I don’t think you’re at all like any kind of fairy.”
***
Aftermath
*
“Doctor,” said Nat, moving across. “Mum, I wanted to check you were all right, and say goodbye. I’ve got to get Tilly away before she decides it’s her duty to help clean up.” He gave the Doctor an enquiring glance. He wasn’t at all sure about this new Doctor; he was more than unhappy about his bringing unwanted guests, and he he’d rather he left his mother alone.
She caught at her son’s arm. “The Colonel made an effort to explain, but I suppose this isn’t the moment to talk to you about what you’ve got yourself into-.”
“No, definitely not,” said Nat, seeing a handy escape route, even if it was only temporary.
Peggy Webber sighed. “Well, I knew whatever you were doing it wasn’t something usual, but really, Nat!”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
She said, “The Doctor here was only telling me that he’d read one of your Dad’s papers.”
“Was he?” Nat turned, his anger reappearing at that. He must have let it show, since she nudged him and frowned at his rudeness.
The Doctor tilted his head. “I was, actually. Edward Webber, geologist, right? I never made the connection last time, but then it’s not an uncommon name, is it? And I was here on E - at UNIT, I mean - for years. I was investigating some odd bits and bobs from round Kilve and someone turned up an article he’d written on the area. Thought it might be useful to pay a visit, but found out that wasn’t possible, sadly. Nice turn of phrase he had going there, as well.”
“Right,” said Nat, relaxing. “Then, thanks.”
“And, out of interest,” the Doctor asked, a spark in his dark eyes, “if I’d been lying, were you going to have a turn up with me at your own wedding?”
He grinned. “I don’t know. Maybe. You’ve already made enough mess as it is, so it couldn’t have made things much worse.”
“I dunno,” said the Doctor, with a wink for Mrs Webber. “What’s UNIT is coming to these days? There’s the Colonel bringing firearms to a solemn occasion like this, and now the groom’s threatening to punch me.”
Nat cut in before his mum could tell him off. “Do you really blame me?”
*
“Help me, here,” said Kate to Sergeant Kennedy.
He followed her towards another overturned table at the opposite end of the room. “I don’t know. That depends on how polite you are this time.”
“I want to get these out of here,” she said, moving it slightly so that he could see the gifts lying there.
He looked at her. “All this, and now you’re making off with the presents? Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”
“Oh, I knew I should have found the Captain,” she said, giving him a glare. “Of course I’m not, but if we can get them into my car - I said I’d take them back, anyway - then people won’t know if something’s been broken. And I might have to have a look at some of them if they rattle a bit too much, or they’re going to come home to wrapped up boxes of glass and crockery.”
Kennedy wrinkled his nose. “That’s a point.”
“Yes, it is,” said Kate. “I might have known you lot would ruin the whole thing.”
He picked up a box and headed for the side door. “You’re not going to thank me, then?”
“No,” she said. “My elbow still hurts, if you want to know. If you help me with the rest of these, I will, though, because I’m not really dressed for carrying things.”
“Nice shade of blue,” he tried, as she followed with a far smaller gift in her arms.
Kate shook her head. “Well, it was before I got pushed down in the dirt by some clumsy soldier. Have you seen these marks?”
“Can’t look right now, love,” he said, marching on out into the car park ahead of her.
She took a deep breath to keep from exploding out of tight-fitting satin. “Oh! Just put the box down - I’ll do it myself! Go away!”
“No, no, you asked for my help.”
“I’ve changed my mind. Go away.”
He reached her mini. “You’re never going to get everything in there.”
Kate merely grimaced at him. “Ha ha. There isn’t an awful lot. Now, thank you for that, and go away and I’ll find some other soldier to bring the rest down if I need anyone.”
“Don’t think I’d better, Miss Webber.”
She opened the boot for him and he put down the box. “Don’t call me that. And why not?”
“Strikes me you’re probably in shock,” he informed her. “Someone ought to keep an eye on you.”
Kate sighed and shut the boot again, heading back inside. “After this, remind me never to talk to you again!”
*
“Now, Doctor,” said the Colonel, once the bride and groom had left, “I trust you’re going to help us deal with this mess?”
He nodded eagerly. “Of course. I shall be right off - get the trimetric device back to Ramelia before you can even blink.”
“I’m sure you will,” Crichton agreed. “After you’ve helped put things right here.”
“What? Sorry, Colonel, I don’t think I’d better wait around-.”
He smiled. “Oh, you will. Have you forgotten I’m armed, Doctor?”
“That, Colonel, would be cold-blooded murder.”
He thought. “I suppose I am retired these days, so maybe you have a point. However, I can’t help but wonder whether it counts as murder when you shoot an alien who’s turned up uninvited and led a group of hostile aliens to this location.”
“It certainly should.”
Crichton considered it closely. “You know, it doesn’t weigh with me quite as it ought to. Torchwood claim you’re a traitor as well, so once you take that into account, I think I might get some sort of commendation out of it.”
“This isn’t making me want to stay. I always knew UNIT would go downhill once Alistair left.”
“On the other hand, I’m not sure even your abilities are up to this one, Doctor.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “We need the whole place literally cleared up, preferably with no charges being made by the hotel for this. As you say - you’re not qualified to deal with it.”
“Colonel,” he said, “don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing there, but, now that I stop to think about it, I reckon I could come up with something nifty to get those Ramelian remains out of the carpet.”
Crichton reflected on this. “Doctor, you’re right. Just go. UNIT can clear up the mess. That is, after all, what we seem to be best at.”
***