Belated Birthday Nonsense
In the event of me seemingly getting worse at writing birthday ficlets, instead of better, I have for the past couple of years, taken the Unconventionalcourtship Generator and had a flash-fic writing session with it, tackling any prompts where I felt able to write both characters for 
john_amend_all's birthday. The end of June was particularly bad, so here it is, only slightly delayed.
One of the results that came up was clearly something I thought would amuse astrogirl2, who also had a birthday around the same time, so, I'm calling that a belated present also. Plus some bonus summaries I failed at writing. (The whole package is like a bundle of those tacky plasticky things you get at the seaside, but I had fun.) I did this on different days, before and during my family's visit, so it all got a bit out of hand. But still mostly not even shippy. /o\
294) English Girl in New York by Scarlet Wilson
Rescued on her doorstep
After an annus horribilis, the glittering lights of Manhattan are irresistible to English girl Zoë Heriot. She's climbed the Empire State Building, but can't get a smile from her gorgeous neighbor! Until a tiny abandoned baby on her doorstep brings her to her door….
Cop Martha Jones has an obligation to protect, and with Zoë out of her depth, she must come to her rescue. Surely two pairs of hands are better than one? Until she becomes a distraction, not just because of her tempting curves, but because of the pain in her eyes when she looks at the precious bundle in their charge….
***
“Well, for a start,” said Martha, picking up the unfortunate baby, “that’s a nappy, and you’ve got it on the wrong end. How did even you manage that?”
Zoe flopped back into the nearest sofa. “The computer never covered this sort of detail in history sessions. And it was made out of cloth. I thought perhaps it was a sort of turban; it seemed the most logical answer. I never worked in a nursery -”
“Yeah, obviously!”
“But I’m sure our methods were much more hygienic and advanced, anyway. And I did manage to feed it and I would have worked out the rest if you hadn’t interfered.”
Martha raised an eyebrow.
“Well, all right,” said Zoe, giving a sheepish grin. “I’m grateful, honestly. I don’t seem to be terribly good with babies.”
“You’re telling me,” said Martha. She busied herself applying the nappy to the proper end, and then tickled the baby, who gurgled in return. And, after all, she reflected, babysitting in the 1960s for a girl from a very odd near future wasn’t even the weirdest thing she’d had to do since meeting the Doctor or signing up for UNIT, come to that.
Zoe straightened herself and watched Martha with the infant. “There’s just one thing.”
“Oh, yes?”
“How can I ever repay you?” said Zoe.
Martha gave her a grin. “Oh, I expect I can think of something…”
***
477) Shipwrecked with Mr. Wrong by Nikki Logan
Marooned in paradise with a beautiful woman…
…is surely the only way for a truly committed playgirl to get shipwrecked! Ideally, however, Peri Brown would have chosen a slightly friendlier companion! Prickly conservationist the Second Doctor clearly just wants to be left alone with his birds and turtles.
Two's had more than his fair share of heartbreak, and the isolated island has been a perfect place to recover in peace. He has no time for accidental tourists. Yet Peri is charming and infuriatingly attractive - her sheer passion for life is difficult to resist. Slowly Two is discovering that even playgirls may have their good points…
***
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the wildlife,” said Peri, “but, come on, Doc, there are limits!”
The Doctor looked up from what was apparently an engrossing conversation with a turtle. “Oh. Oh, dear. But I thought you were enjoying your botanical studies. And I’m sure your Doctor and Jamie will be back soon.”
“It’s been a week,” said Peri “It’s not a big island and a girl can’t study all the time. Getting you to talk isn’t usually a problem.”
The Doctor sighed, but then turned to her with a charming smile. “I know exactly the thing! I’m sure I’ve got my recorder in here somewhere. Hmm. Or is it in the other pocket?”
“No,” said Peri, and in order to prevent such a dire occurrence, distracted him with a kiss.
“Oh, my. Goodness gracious me.”
“Um. Yeah. Like I said, it’s pretty dull here, and you’re kind of cute, you know.”
“Really?” The Doctor puffed himself up. “How kind of you to say so. I, ah, think. But mightn’t it be a little awkward if the other two came back?”
Peri stretched out in the sand. “Well, yeah, that. Or even more interesting, maybe.” She pulled down her sunglasses and waggled her eyebrows.
“Good heavens.” The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up in response. Then he looked at the turtle with a pitifully wistful gaze. “But I was just in the middle of a fascinating exchange with this rather unusual example of the species -”
Peri closed her eyes with a groan, and conceded victory to the turtle.
Still, it was the Doctor, she reminded herself. Any minute now, some terrifying alien would invade, and this once, she couldn’t wait.
***
174) Her Highland Protector by Ann Lethbridge
Lord Dave Lister must marry well if he is to claim his lands...
Only there is a complete lack of eligible suitors in the Highlands! But then Leela is assigned to watch over Dave, and there’s no denying he finds this beautiful Scot most distracting! Leela knows Dave is too fine a lord for the likes of her - after all, high society has little time for a lowly third daughter - but she takes her duty seriously.
With danger lurking in the shadows, Leela stays close. It would be just oh, so easy to pull him into her arms…
The Sevateems of Dunross - Capturing gentlemen's hearts across the Highlands.
***
“If you try that again,” said Leela, with her knife to Lister’s throat, “I shall slit you end from end.”
“Okay, okay, okay! It was only a suggestion, seeing as we’re the last of our species. No need to get violent…”
***
104) The Notorious Gabriel Diaz- Cathy Williams
Of all the arrogant billionaires in all the world, why is Samantha Briggs the only one he can turn to? The last occasion when Sam heard the word ‘no' was when Adam Adamant rejected her skilled advances. A moment that is still etched on her bruised ego! Now, with his family in trouble, Adam desperately needs help. Sam is happy to strike a deal, but her price is high: Adam's virginity! Except she isn't prepared for their night together to leave her hooked, and when Adam refuses to be her plaything she'll throw that one little word back at him... No!
***
“Miss Briggs,” said Adam. “That is an appalling suggestion. I shall ignore it. I am sure that, despite your faults, you would not wish any harm to befall an innocent merely because I wouldn’t fall in with such unnecessary complications to the rescue mission.”
Sam continued sulking, arms folded, nose in the air. “Don’t give me that.”
“Give you what?” said Adam. “Miss Briggs, if you know of anything concerning the whereabouts of Miss Jones and Simms, I beg you to tell me at once.”
Sam turned, narrowing her gaze. “All I said was that if you wanted to know that badly, one little kiss wasn’t going to hurt, was it? Just to prove a point to Debs.”
“I’m sorry… who is Debs?”
Sam muttered something about a so-called friend.
“Ah,” said Adam. “I believe I begin to see. However, I still feel it is most unscrupulous to hold vital information to ransom merely because you’re feeling slighted. The best course is merely to ignore such people. Now, come, lead me to this rogue’s lair before it is too late!”
Sam sighed and dragged herself off the chair. “Oh, well, it was worth a try, I suppose.” She crossed to the window, and pointed. “See that warehouse over there? That’s where they went in, but they didn’t look like they were in trouble to me. Your Miss Jones was busy breaking and entering. I nearly rang the police instead of you.”
“No doubt,” said Adam with a wince. “Nevertheless, the point remains that no matter how reprehensible her behaviour, she has not since made an exit and that cannot bode well.”
He picked up his swordstick and flung his folded cape over his arm, and then paused, turning on his heel, to step across and give Samantha a chaste kiss on the cheek, and then, as he drew back, a smile at her surprise. “Thank you, Miss Briggs.”
***
337) The Socialite and the Cattle King - Lindsay Armstrong
The awakening of Miss Prim...
Prim and proper socialite-turned-journalist Elizabeth Shaw is looking for her first big scoop. And what better topic than the infamous cattle king John Steed? But when Liz meets John she notices something inherently dangerous about the enigmatic billionaire, and she quickly finds her professional no-nonsense attitude slipping! When their plane crashes in the middle of the Outback she is forced to rely on John for protection. How long can inexperienced Liz deny their sizzling attraction...?
***
“You seem to be strangely well-versed in emergency landings for a cattle farmer,” said Liz, who was getting ever more suspicious about her distinctly debonair and not-very-farmer-like companion.
Steed dusted himself down and then waved an airy hand. “Oh, crop spraying, you know how it is.”
“I don’t think I do,” said Liz. “Where are we?”
“It’s a bit hard to be exact under the circumstances, but I believe we must be somewhere in the middle of the New Forest. A tad inconvenient, but if we set off now, we should reach civilisation before nightfall.”
Liz fell in with that suggestion, it being eminently sensible. “Right. But perhaps you’d like to explain why someone shot us out of the sky in the first place?”
“It’s a cut-throat world, cattle-farming. You should see my latest Aberdeen Angus.” Steed held out his arms. “Probably Squire Radley, who knows if he takes me out now, his Red Angus is sure to win the first prize at Salisbury Cattle Show this weekend.”
Liz raised an eyebrow.
“Perhaps,” said Steed, “you’d care to tell me what it is you’re carrying with you in that case - something you were prepared to risk your life for, back there, no less.”
Liz stared ahead. “I just hate being without a wash bag and spare set of underwear.”
“Sentiments I can get behind, but I’m not sure I’d die for,” said Steed. “However, I’ll believe you, if you’ll accept the fatally attractive quality of my Aberdeen Angus.”
Liz gave a nod. “Fair enough. In that case, lead on, Farmer Giles.”
***
124) Taken by the Border Rebel- Blythe Gifford
TORMENTED BY HER INNOCENCE
As leader of his clan, Black Kryten has earned every dark syllable of his name. But, having taken hostage his enemy's daughter in a fierce act of rebellion, he is tormented by feelings of guilt and torn apart with the growing need to protect her - and seduce her! Victoria Waterfield feels Kryten's disdain from the first. Then slowly she starts to see behind his eyes to a man in turmoil. Something he has no words for, something that can only be captured in a heart-wrenching kiss...
The Android Clan - The family who will kneel to no one...
***
“Yes, but why do you have to keep giving me these…” Victoria’s voice trailed away, and she examined the strange plant again. “Oh, dear. What is it?”
“It’s a Gallaphon Cactus,” said Kryten. “Although strictly speaking, it’s not in fact an actual cactus, nor does it correspond to any equivalent Terran vegetation, but you know how quaint humans can be. It’s got a cute nickname, too - the Finger-Nibbler.”
Victoria jumped back with a squeak as the plant demonstrated why at the same moment. “Well, that’s not a nice present to give someone!”
Kryten paused, checking his memory banks. “No, no. Gifts of vegetation are required in these matters and I thought old Fingers here was a particularly interesting example. Besides, there wasn’t anything else, apart from some mould I found growing in Mr Lister’s socks.”
“And as for that string of numbers you kept repeating,” said Victoria. “Well, I really didn’t understand that at all.”
“You don’t like KZX114’s binary masterpiece? Oh, dear, it must have been my reading. I’m so sorry; shall I try again? I could even use a different head.”
“I doubt it would help,” said Victoria. “But why are you doing all this?”
“Mr Lister said trying ‘Romance’ would be good for breaking some of my programming. Apparently not.” Kryten sighed.
Victoria patted his arm. “Perhaps it would be better to find out about any shared interests we might have?”
“How about vacuuming?” said Kryten. “And laundry - I do love a nice bit of laundry.”
“Oh!” said Victoria. “How are you at getting Dalek stains out of silk?”
“I think,” Kryten said, “this could be the start of a beautiful friendship…”
***
527) The Mistletoe Wager by Christine Merrill
Lucy Weston, Countess of Anneslea, is surprised when her estranged husband, the Eleventh Doctor, arrives home for Christmas, especially as he is still intent on divorce! The festive house party is in full swing when the guests are snowed in, and Eleven and Lucy find they are together under the mistletoe. Maybe the magic of Christmas is just what these two need to reignite their love...
***
“You bit me!” The Doctor leapt back, clapping his hand to his neck. “Biting isn’t cool. At least, I’m pretty sure biting isn’t cool.”
Lucy, in return, had her hand to her mouth. “Ugh! What are you? You taste revolting. You’re not human. How is that possible?”
“Well, you can talk,” said the Doctor. “I don’t think you’re even a little bit human these days, either. Besides, biting humans is even less cool. They die much too easily, you know.” He gave her a closer look. “Yes, I suppose you would, wouldn’t you?”
Lucy bared her sharpened teeth and hissed at him, before suddenly crying out in pain as someone flung holy water at her. Still screaming, she ran from the clearing.
“Well, you took your time,” said the Doctor to Professor Van Helsing. “Keep her talking, you said. It wasn’t talking she was after, I’ll have you know. She bites. And there was kissing. Definitely too much biting and kissing. And she was very rude about Time Lord blood.”
“I am sorry, Doctor,” said Professor Van Helsing. “However, the creature will now have been considerably weakened by the holy water. I suggest we pursue it at all speed and finish the job.” He held up his stake.
“Good point.”
***
And then I just wound up giggling at the results instead of writing:
163) Familiar Adversaries by Patricia Thayer
Thanks to a decades-old family feud, Peri Brown knew Eight's daddy would never let his precious son anywhere near a Brown - especially the no-good Brown girl he'd run off years ago. So what's the grown-up charmer now doing on Peri's construction site, stirring up way more trouble than he can possibly handle?
One thing for sure, this time Peri wouldn't let anyone run her off. And after working closely with the Eighth Doctor, she knew that she'd better get ready for the battle of her life. Because she was going to roll up her sleeves and do whatever it took to make her way-too-familiar adversary...her beloved husband!
494) Mistaken Mistress by Margaret McPhee
To her spiteful uncle, Tegan Jovanka is little more than a servant. That's about to change, when Tegan falls into the arms of the most notorious coquette of them all. Lady Donna Noble draws the line at seducing virgins, although once she has tasted the lips of the delectable Tegan, she wants her! Could her temptation prove just too sweet to resist?
340) The Highlander's Redemption - Marguerite Kaye
RELUCTANT SAVIOUR… WILLING SEDUCER
On her first night in Scotland, Rose Tyler is rescued from danger by brooding Highlander the Mistress… Why Missy agrees to take Rose under her protection, she doesn’t know - the unconquerable demons of her warrior past are burden enough without adding the demands of one bewitchingly brave Frenchwoman! Yet her innocence soothes the jagged edges of her soul, and her beauty fires her blood… She might be her reluctant saviour, but she’ll be her willing seducer…
260) High-Stakes Bachelor by Cindy Dees
Wannabe stuntwoman Rose Tyler can't believe she's landed a starring role in actor-producer Peri Brown's new film. A plain-Jane nobody and a megastar? Their on-screen chemistry is electric, burning up the celluloid… but offscreen, Rose is stalked by danger.
Like a true Hollywood hero, Peri whisks her to her oceanfront mansion, practising love scenes while keeping her safe. But when their real-life relationship starts mirroring the movie's leading couple,the confirmed spinster fears she may fall for the doe-eyed ingenue. If the stalker doesn't get her first…
247) The Virtuous Courtesan by Mary Brendan
Inherited: one lover!
River Song discovers on her sister's death that, to inherit her estate, she must also take on her lover! River never thought that claiming her inheritance could be so pleasurable…
Dalek Sec is horrified - he never thought he would be passed on as if he were a chattel - but what choice does he have? And River will expect a practised seducer when, in reality, he is as unschooled as a debutant! But just maybe an innocent gigolo is what it will take to thaw this coquette's heart…
513) Secrets At The Altar by Sarah Mallory
When Bill Potts lifts her new bride's veil she can't believe her eyes - this dark-haired dab of a girl isn't the blonde beauty she's been courting! Stunned, Bill resolves to seek an annulment at the earliest opportunity, but to do so she must first make sure Tegan Jovanka's virtue stays intact...
Blackmailed into marrying Bill by her despicable cousin, Tegan is just as keen to keep her distance from her unsettling wife. But despite their good intentions the marital bed beckons - and a stolen kiss could prove to be their undoing!
9)HAVING THE BOSS'S BABIES by BARBARA HANNAY
A new arrival - in the office!
Like the rest of the staff at Kanga tours, Donna Noble is nervous about meeting her new boss - but when Adric walks through the door it’s worse than she could ever have imagined! Donna shared one very special night with him - but now they have to play it strictly business! But for how long can they pretend nothing has happened? Especially now that Donna has discovered she’s going to be having her boss’s babies…
From city girl - to corporate wife!
391) Much Ado About Rogues - Kasey Michaels
Who is the darkly beautiful the Mistress? With her air of mystery and menace, the whispers about her hint of highwaywoman or even dark princess. But no one knows how dangerous she can truly be. Now Missy’s mentor has disappeared and Missy must track her down before it’s too late.
Her unlikely help: the woman’s daughter - the very woman Missy had once wooed and betrayed. Lady Sara Kingdom knows more about the fine art of clandestine activities - and about the mysterious Miss Master - than she realises.
As their journey leads them on the adventure of a lifetime, their reunion is fraught with passion, high-stakes danger and the one twist of fate Missy never saw coming…
289) Dicing with the Dangerous Lord by Margaret McPhee
the Master is London's most sought-after actor, darling of the demimonde and every noblewoman's desire. But he's about to face his toughest role yet - seducing a confession from the devilishly beautiful and very dangerous Lady Sapphire to bring his father's murderer to justice.
Hee might have the whole of London fooled, but Sapphire can see through the Master's ardent attempts to persuade her to open up. Her past is murky, but she's no criminal. His interest in her has Sapphire intrigued - she might just have to play the Master at his own seductive game….
522) Blood Magic by Jennifer Lyon
Silver knows nothing of demons or magic. But this handsome young man is about discover that he is a warlock and the key to breaking the curse that has plagued warlocks and the women who hunt them. For if a Wing Slayer kills an innocent warlock by mistake, the price is no less than a piece of her soul.
Sapphire, gorgeous leader of the Wing Slayers, has sworn never to shed the blood of the earth warlocks who have resisted the temptation of demonic power. But when her sister is cursed by a demon warlock, she discovers that Silver may hold the cure - if he can master his new-found powers in time.
(Steel has Opinions about this one, mostly expressed by a GLARE.)
383) Hot on Her Tail - Saskia Walker
It wasn’t the knee-high black leather boots or the skintight leather hotpants that grabbed his attention, but the padlocked slave collar she was wearing around her neck.
As she stepped out of the stolen vehicle he’d been chasing, Officer Stewart Sullivan was thunderstruck by the alluring redhead in the provocative attire. Upon further investigation, it soon became clear that despite appearances, Amy Pond was not some crazy car thief dressed like a bondage slave from a porn movie. She was, in fact, the victim in some underhanded maneuvering by her vindictive ex.
Now it was up to Stewart to help her out of this mess. But the electric attraction that blazed between them soon culminated in a night of explosive passion that would change Stewart’s life forever.
236) Mr. (Not Quite) Perfect by Jessica Hart
What do men really want?
Journalist the Fourth Doctor has a problem. He's pitched a story to his boss - how to transform a not-so-perfect woman into Princess Charming - and now he has to deliver! But where is he going to find a woman willing to take part in a makeover? Time to blackmail his roommate, Donna Noble….
But Four's cunning plan backfires spectacularly when Donna refuses to be 'perfected'! She's a gal who knows what she likes, and she's going to enjoy proving to Four that there's nothing hotter than a woman who's a little rough around the edges….
394) The Cattleman and the Virgin Heiress - Jackie Merritt
I May Have Forgotten My Name, But I Remember What It Is To Want A Woman.
-the Third Doctor on his amnesia
Though Three's memory was in shards, in the arms of his gallant rescuer, Clara Oswald, he felt entirely whole. Stranded on her ranch, they couldn't summon his past, so they focused on the present… and the sensual awareness sizzling between them. Then a torrent of memories came flooding in… and the 'forever' he dreamed of was washed away. For Three was a Doctor, an heir of untold wealth, and Clara was the sworn enemy of all aristocratic men. But Three would not be denied his one chance at happiness… at becoming this proud rancher's husband….
428) A Life Rebuilt by Jean Brashear
Special Forces veteran Rory Williams is a ghost. With the nightmares of his past weighing him down, the best thing he can do is keep to himself. So when a heroic act forces him out of solitude, he's not expecting a connection to a man as vibrant and alive as Silver. Or as determined to help other people, no matter how hopeless, no matter the cost to himself.
He can't explain it, but he's drawn to Silver and the rebuilding project he's started. And the more he works with him, the more he wants to leave his past behind and act on the intense attraction between them. The temptation is so strong, this could be his second chance at life… at love.
544) Her Cinderella Season by Deb Marlowe
He's been taught that pleasure is sinful... Now Mr the Tenth Doctor is determined to find out for himself!
A chance meeting with a viscountess, and Ten is invited to the ball. Freed from dowdy gowns and worthy reading, Ten charms Society. Except for the cold, aloof - and wildly handsome - Mr Count Dracula.
Ten soon learns that Dracula's cool demeanour is belied by the warmth of his kiss. But at the end of the Season he must return to bleak normality. Unless wicked Mr Dracula can save him from a future of good behaviour.
239) It Was Only a Kiss by Joss Wood
For driven businesswoman Miss Mackail success is the only option. So when gorgeous marketing intern John Benton waltzes into her office and casually informs her that her newly inherited vineyard has an image problem she's outraged! He's naive, overly ambitious, a know-it-all… And all Mackail can do to stop him talking is kiss him senseless.
Eight years later the vineyard needs a boost - and Mackail needs a hip new marketing strategy to save it. John may drive her crazy but he's the right man for the job. Their only problem is how to keep their minds on work and off that kiss!
***
For astrogirl2, the one that got away:
417) Intent to Seduce - Cara Summers
Dr. Sodoff Baldrick is bulletproofing himself for marriage. Determined that no wife of his will ever leave, he's learned everything there is to know about the art of pleasing a woman. But now that it's time to put his knowledge into practice, he's stuck. Until he finds himself alone with seriously sexy Regina Mills and decides to see if practice can make perfect....
CEO Regina Mills thought she could handle just about anything...until she's propositioned by a very determined - and incredibly sexy - Baldrick. The gorgeous redhead is as knowledgeable as a gigolo, as irresistible as an innocent. Regina had no idea how incredible sex could be, until Baldrick becomes her every fantasy in the flesh. But once Baldrick has proved all his theories, will he start looking for another test subject?
How Does Your Garden Grow?
***
“So,” said Baldrick, working his way down his list with painful slowness, one finger on each letter as he went, “you aren’t into turnips?”
“No,” said Regina. “Apples, on the other hand…”
“That’s funny, because my cousin Alice loves them - and I think she’s a woman, although I was never quite sure some days. She said, you see, right before she starved to death that day, that she’d kill for a bit of turnip. So I thought women really liked turnips. I thought it’d be something we’d have in common.”
Killing was a tempting thought right now. Some days Regina wished she hadn’t given it up, especially when Baldrick seemed to be completely oblivious to her worst glares. “I think the key point there is ‘starving to death.’”
“Oh. Right,” said Baldrick. He fished out the stub of a pencil - well, probably a pencil - and with even more excruciating lack of speed carefully crossed out ‘turnips’. After a long pause, he looked up. “How do you spell ‘starvation’?”
Regina pictured blasting him with fire; an image she only relinquished with some regret. “Look, what backward excuse for a story are you out of anyhow? What even are you?”
Baldrick gaped back at her.
“Well, you’re not coming inside like that,” said Regina and decided that this at least justified the use of magic; raising her hand. Baldrick yelled out, suddenly drenched and spluttering. Having disinfected him, Regina followed that up with a quick drying spell and a quick sprucing up of his equally revolting clothes.
“There,” she said, only to find he’d collapsed in front of her.
“Regina!” Emma said, walking through the gate along with a bearded stranger in black, clearly from one of the realms where villainy came in less subtle forms. (Not that Regina was one to criticise on that front.)
“Relax, I’m not evil again. I just… disinfected him. Someone had to.”
The stranger stared down at the prone form of Baldrick. “Then congratulations. You’ve probably killed him. Baldrick, I’ll have you know, is almost entirely composed of dirt and incubating diseases. Typhoid Mary’s got nothing on him. I should think the shock will be fatal.”
Emma looked at Regina.
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Get him inside; I’ll think of something. How was I to know?”
“Alas, poor Baldrick,” said the newcomer, standing by while Emma and then, reluctantly, Regina, carried his friend into Regina’s hallway. He didn’t sound too sorry about Baldrick’s fate. “Unless - I don’t suppose either of you ladies happen to have a turnip about your person? Any root vegetable will do at a push - if there’s any life left in the wretched fellow, it’s sure to bring him round.”
“More turnips?” said Regina, but with a twist of her hand summoned one from somebody’s vegetable plot. It arrived, and then some - a giant turnip filling her hallway and squashing Baldrick. She and Emma both leapt back with a yell.
“Regina!”
She stared back at the turnip. “That wasn’t my doing. It looks as if the vegetables round here have gone rogue.”
“How? Why?” said Emma. “Regina!”
“Maybe it was planted near to those magic beans - or affected by some other spell that’s been let loose lately. Take your pick! How should I know? What d’you think I am, a market gardener?”
“Baldrick?” said the stranger from the other side of the enormous turnip. “Oh, well, he’s pegged it. If it’s any comfort, it was the way he would have wanted to go.”
“Is that you, Mr Blackadder?” said a faint voice from somewhere unseen. “Don’t worry about me. I’m dead, but it’s all right. I’m in heaven and it’s just like what I’ve always imagined - all white and shining and I’ve got my very own completely ginormus turnip.”
After quite a long pause, Regina felt Emma’s hand on her arm.
“Regina,” she said. “Is it just me or is that turnip still growing…?”
***
“What was that about?” said Emma later, walking into Granny’s alongside Regina as a yelling Leroy ran out, nearly knocking them over.
Snow gave a shrug. “Oh, Leroy’s lost one of his prize vegetables. They’ve gotten a bit, uh, troublesome.” She waved her hands about, evidently attempting to mime over-sized vegetables. “It’s his own fault for cheating, anyway. I was going to tell you because we probably should do something before Storybrooke gets flattened by a giant pumpkin or something, but, it’s been busy. Again.”
“Spare us,” said Regina, heading for the bar. “If I hear one more word about root vegetables, I’m going to revert and, trust me, everybody here is going to regret it.”
***
Crossposted from Dreamwidth. Please click through to comment. -- Current comments:
john_amend_all's birthday. The end of June was particularly bad, so here it is, only slightly delayed.
One of the results that came up was clearly something I thought would amuse astrogirl2, who also had a birthday around the same time, so, I'm calling that a belated present also. Plus some bonus summaries I failed at writing. (The whole package is like a bundle of those tacky plasticky things you get at the seaside, but I had fun.) I did this on different days, before and during my family's visit, so it all got a bit out of hand. But still mostly not even shippy. /o\
294) English Girl in New York by Scarlet Wilson
Rescued on her doorstep
After an annus horribilis, the glittering lights of Manhattan are irresistible to English girl Zoë Heriot. She's climbed the Empire State Building, but can't get a smile from her gorgeous neighbor! Until a tiny abandoned baby on her doorstep brings her to her door….
Cop Martha Jones has an obligation to protect, and with Zoë out of her depth, she must come to her rescue. Surely two pairs of hands are better than one? Until she becomes a distraction, not just because of her tempting curves, but because of the pain in her eyes when she looks at the precious bundle in their charge….
***
“Well, for a start,” said Martha, picking up the unfortunate baby, “that’s a nappy, and you’ve got it on the wrong end. How did even you manage that?”
Zoe flopped back into the nearest sofa. “The computer never covered this sort of detail in history sessions. And it was made out of cloth. I thought perhaps it was a sort of turban; it seemed the most logical answer. I never worked in a nursery -”
“Yeah, obviously!”
“But I’m sure our methods were much more hygienic and advanced, anyway. And I did manage to feed it and I would have worked out the rest if you hadn’t interfered.”
Martha raised an eyebrow.
“Well, all right,” said Zoe, giving a sheepish grin. “I’m grateful, honestly. I don’t seem to be terribly good with babies.”
“You’re telling me,” said Martha. She busied herself applying the nappy to the proper end, and then tickled the baby, who gurgled in return. And, after all, she reflected, babysitting in the 1960s for a girl from a very odd near future wasn’t even the weirdest thing she’d had to do since meeting the Doctor or signing up for UNIT, come to that.
Zoe straightened herself and watched Martha with the infant. “There’s just one thing.”
“Oh, yes?”
“How can I ever repay you?” said Zoe.
Martha gave her a grin. “Oh, I expect I can think of something…”
***
477) Shipwrecked with Mr. Wrong by Nikki Logan
Marooned in paradise with a beautiful woman…
…is surely the only way for a truly committed playgirl to get shipwrecked! Ideally, however, Peri Brown would have chosen a slightly friendlier companion! Prickly conservationist the Second Doctor clearly just wants to be left alone with his birds and turtles.
Two's had more than his fair share of heartbreak, and the isolated island has been a perfect place to recover in peace. He has no time for accidental tourists. Yet Peri is charming and infuriatingly attractive - her sheer passion for life is difficult to resist. Slowly Two is discovering that even playgirls may have their good points…
***
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the wildlife,” said Peri, “but, come on, Doc, there are limits!”
The Doctor looked up from what was apparently an engrossing conversation with a turtle. “Oh. Oh, dear. But I thought you were enjoying your botanical studies. And I’m sure your Doctor and Jamie will be back soon.”
“It’s been a week,” said Peri “It’s not a big island and a girl can’t study all the time. Getting you to talk isn’t usually a problem.”
The Doctor sighed, but then turned to her with a charming smile. “I know exactly the thing! I’m sure I’ve got my recorder in here somewhere. Hmm. Or is it in the other pocket?”
“No,” said Peri, and in order to prevent such a dire occurrence, distracted him with a kiss.
“Oh, my. Goodness gracious me.”
“Um. Yeah. Like I said, it’s pretty dull here, and you’re kind of cute, you know.”
“Really?” The Doctor puffed himself up. “How kind of you to say so. I, ah, think. But mightn’t it be a little awkward if the other two came back?”
Peri stretched out in the sand. “Well, yeah, that. Or even more interesting, maybe.” She pulled down her sunglasses and waggled her eyebrows.
“Good heavens.” The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up in response. Then he looked at the turtle with a pitifully wistful gaze. “But I was just in the middle of a fascinating exchange with this rather unusual example of the species -”
Peri closed her eyes with a groan, and conceded victory to the turtle.
Still, it was the Doctor, she reminded herself. Any minute now, some terrifying alien would invade, and this once, she couldn’t wait.
***
174) Her Highland Protector by Ann Lethbridge
Lord Dave Lister must marry well if he is to claim his lands...
Only there is a complete lack of eligible suitors in the Highlands! But then Leela is assigned to watch over Dave, and there’s no denying he finds this beautiful Scot most distracting! Leela knows Dave is too fine a lord for the likes of her - after all, high society has little time for a lowly third daughter - but she takes her duty seriously.
With danger lurking in the shadows, Leela stays close. It would be just oh, so easy to pull him into her arms…
The Sevateems of Dunross - Capturing gentlemen's hearts across the Highlands.
***
“If you try that again,” said Leela, with her knife to Lister’s throat, “I shall slit you end from end.”
“Okay, okay, okay! It was only a suggestion, seeing as we’re the last of our species. No need to get violent…”
***
104) The Notorious Gabriel Diaz- Cathy Williams
Of all the arrogant billionaires in all the world, why is Samantha Briggs the only one he can turn to? The last occasion when Sam heard the word ‘no' was when Adam Adamant rejected her skilled advances. A moment that is still etched on her bruised ego! Now, with his family in trouble, Adam desperately needs help. Sam is happy to strike a deal, but her price is high: Adam's virginity! Except she isn't prepared for their night together to leave her hooked, and when Adam refuses to be her plaything she'll throw that one little word back at him... No!
***
“Miss Briggs,” said Adam. “That is an appalling suggestion. I shall ignore it. I am sure that, despite your faults, you would not wish any harm to befall an innocent merely because I wouldn’t fall in with such unnecessary complications to the rescue mission.”
Sam continued sulking, arms folded, nose in the air. “Don’t give me that.”
“Give you what?” said Adam. “Miss Briggs, if you know of anything concerning the whereabouts of Miss Jones and Simms, I beg you to tell me at once.”
Sam turned, narrowing her gaze. “All I said was that if you wanted to know that badly, one little kiss wasn’t going to hurt, was it? Just to prove a point to Debs.”
“I’m sorry… who is Debs?”
Sam muttered something about a so-called friend.
“Ah,” said Adam. “I believe I begin to see. However, I still feel it is most unscrupulous to hold vital information to ransom merely because you’re feeling slighted. The best course is merely to ignore such people. Now, come, lead me to this rogue’s lair before it is too late!”
Sam sighed and dragged herself off the chair. “Oh, well, it was worth a try, I suppose.” She crossed to the window, and pointed. “See that warehouse over there? That’s where they went in, but they didn’t look like they were in trouble to me. Your Miss Jones was busy breaking and entering. I nearly rang the police instead of you.”
“No doubt,” said Adam with a wince. “Nevertheless, the point remains that no matter how reprehensible her behaviour, she has not since made an exit and that cannot bode well.”
He picked up his swordstick and flung his folded cape over his arm, and then paused, turning on his heel, to step across and give Samantha a chaste kiss on the cheek, and then, as he drew back, a smile at her surprise. “Thank you, Miss Briggs.”
***
337) The Socialite and the Cattle King - Lindsay Armstrong
The awakening of Miss Prim...
Prim and proper socialite-turned-journalist Elizabeth Shaw is looking for her first big scoop. And what better topic than the infamous cattle king John Steed? But when Liz meets John she notices something inherently dangerous about the enigmatic billionaire, and she quickly finds her professional no-nonsense attitude slipping! When their plane crashes in the middle of the Outback she is forced to rely on John for protection. How long can inexperienced Liz deny their sizzling attraction...?
***
“You seem to be strangely well-versed in emergency landings for a cattle farmer,” said Liz, who was getting ever more suspicious about her distinctly debonair and not-very-farmer-like companion.
Steed dusted himself down and then waved an airy hand. “Oh, crop spraying, you know how it is.”
“I don’t think I do,” said Liz. “Where are we?”
“It’s a bit hard to be exact under the circumstances, but I believe we must be somewhere in the middle of the New Forest. A tad inconvenient, but if we set off now, we should reach civilisation before nightfall.”
Liz fell in with that suggestion, it being eminently sensible. “Right. But perhaps you’d like to explain why someone shot us out of the sky in the first place?”
“It’s a cut-throat world, cattle-farming. You should see my latest Aberdeen Angus.” Steed held out his arms. “Probably Squire Radley, who knows if he takes me out now, his Red Angus is sure to win the first prize at Salisbury Cattle Show this weekend.”
Liz raised an eyebrow.
“Perhaps,” said Steed, “you’d care to tell me what it is you’re carrying with you in that case - something you were prepared to risk your life for, back there, no less.”
Liz stared ahead. “I just hate being without a wash bag and spare set of underwear.”
“Sentiments I can get behind, but I’m not sure I’d die for,” said Steed. “However, I’ll believe you, if you’ll accept the fatally attractive quality of my Aberdeen Angus.”
Liz gave a nod. “Fair enough. In that case, lead on, Farmer Giles.”
***
124) Taken by the Border Rebel- Blythe Gifford
TORMENTED BY HER INNOCENCE
As leader of his clan, Black Kryten has earned every dark syllable of his name. But, having taken hostage his enemy's daughter in a fierce act of rebellion, he is tormented by feelings of guilt and torn apart with the growing need to protect her - and seduce her! Victoria Waterfield feels Kryten's disdain from the first. Then slowly she starts to see behind his eyes to a man in turmoil. Something he has no words for, something that can only be captured in a heart-wrenching kiss...
The Android Clan - The family who will kneel to no one...
***
“Yes, but why do you have to keep giving me these…” Victoria’s voice trailed away, and she examined the strange plant again. “Oh, dear. What is it?”
“It’s a Gallaphon Cactus,” said Kryten. “Although strictly speaking, it’s not in fact an actual cactus, nor does it correspond to any equivalent Terran vegetation, but you know how quaint humans can be. It’s got a cute nickname, too - the Finger-Nibbler.”
Victoria jumped back with a squeak as the plant demonstrated why at the same moment. “Well, that’s not a nice present to give someone!”
Kryten paused, checking his memory banks. “No, no. Gifts of vegetation are required in these matters and I thought old Fingers here was a particularly interesting example. Besides, there wasn’t anything else, apart from some mould I found growing in Mr Lister’s socks.”
“And as for that string of numbers you kept repeating,” said Victoria. “Well, I really didn’t understand that at all.”
“You don’t like KZX114’s binary masterpiece? Oh, dear, it must have been my reading. I’m so sorry; shall I try again? I could even use a different head.”
“I doubt it would help,” said Victoria. “But why are you doing all this?”
“Mr Lister said trying ‘Romance’ would be good for breaking some of my programming. Apparently not.” Kryten sighed.
Victoria patted his arm. “Perhaps it would be better to find out about any shared interests we might have?”
“How about vacuuming?” said Kryten. “And laundry - I do love a nice bit of laundry.”
“Oh!” said Victoria. “How are you at getting Dalek stains out of silk?”
“I think,” Kryten said, “this could be the start of a beautiful friendship…”
***
527) The Mistletoe Wager by Christine Merrill
Lucy Weston, Countess of Anneslea, is surprised when her estranged husband, the Eleventh Doctor, arrives home for Christmas, especially as he is still intent on divorce! The festive house party is in full swing when the guests are snowed in, and Eleven and Lucy find they are together under the mistletoe. Maybe the magic of Christmas is just what these two need to reignite their love...
***
“You bit me!” The Doctor leapt back, clapping his hand to his neck. “Biting isn’t cool. At least, I’m pretty sure biting isn’t cool.”
Lucy, in return, had her hand to her mouth. “Ugh! What are you? You taste revolting. You’re not human. How is that possible?”
“Well, you can talk,” said the Doctor. “I don’t think you’re even a little bit human these days, either. Besides, biting humans is even less cool. They die much too easily, you know.” He gave her a closer look. “Yes, I suppose you would, wouldn’t you?”
Lucy bared her sharpened teeth and hissed at him, before suddenly crying out in pain as someone flung holy water at her. Still screaming, she ran from the clearing.
“Well, you took your time,” said the Doctor to Professor Van Helsing. “Keep her talking, you said. It wasn’t talking she was after, I’ll have you know. She bites. And there was kissing. Definitely too much biting and kissing. And she was very rude about Time Lord blood.”
“I am sorry, Doctor,” said Professor Van Helsing. “However, the creature will now have been considerably weakened by the holy water. I suggest we pursue it at all speed and finish the job.” He held up his stake.
“Good point.”
***
And then I just wound up giggling at the results instead of writing:
163) Familiar Adversaries by Patricia Thayer
Thanks to a decades-old family feud, Peri Brown knew Eight's daddy would never let his precious son anywhere near a Brown - especially the no-good Brown girl he'd run off years ago. So what's the grown-up charmer now doing on Peri's construction site, stirring up way more trouble than he can possibly handle?
One thing for sure, this time Peri wouldn't let anyone run her off. And after working closely with the Eighth Doctor, she knew that she'd better get ready for the battle of her life. Because she was going to roll up her sleeves and do whatever it took to make her way-too-familiar adversary...her beloved husband!
494) Mistaken Mistress by Margaret McPhee
To her spiteful uncle, Tegan Jovanka is little more than a servant. That's about to change, when Tegan falls into the arms of the most notorious coquette of them all. Lady Donna Noble draws the line at seducing virgins, although once she has tasted the lips of the delectable Tegan, she wants her! Could her temptation prove just too sweet to resist?
340) The Highlander's Redemption - Marguerite Kaye
RELUCTANT SAVIOUR… WILLING SEDUCER
On her first night in Scotland, Rose Tyler is rescued from danger by brooding Highlander the Mistress… Why Missy agrees to take Rose under her protection, she doesn’t know - the unconquerable demons of her warrior past are burden enough without adding the demands of one bewitchingly brave Frenchwoman! Yet her innocence soothes the jagged edges of her soul, and her beauty fires her blood… She might be her reluctant saviour, but she’ll be her willing seducer…
260) High-Stakes Bachelor by Cindy Dees
Wannabe stuntwoman Rose Tyler can't believe she's landed a starring role in actor-producer Peri Brown's new film. A plain-Jane nobody and a megastar? Their on-screen chemistry is electric, burning up the celluloid… but offscreen, Rose is stalked by danger.
Like a true Hollywood hero, Peri whisks her to her oceanfront mansion, practising love scenes while keeping her safe. But when their real-life relationship starts mirroring the movie's leading couple,the confirmed spinster fears she may fall for the doe-eyed ingenue. If the stalker doesn't get her first…
247) The Virtuous Courtesan by Mary Brendan
Inherited: one lover!
River Song discovers on her sister's death that, to inherit her estate, she must also take on her lover! River never thought that claiming her inheritance could be so pleasurable…
Dalek Sec is horrified - he never thought he would be passed on as if he were a chattel - but what choice does he have? And River will expect a practised seducer when, in reality, he is as unschooled as a debutant! But just maybe an innocent gigolo is what it will take to thaw this coquette's heart…
513) Secrets At The Altar by Sarah Mallory
When Bill Potts lifts her new bride's veil she can't believe her eyes - this dark-haired dab of a girl isn't the blonde beauty she's been courting! Stunned, Bill resolves to seek an annulment at the earliest opportunity, but to do so she must first make sure Tegan Jovanka's virtue stays intact...
Blackmailed into marrying Bill by her despicable cousin, Tegan is just as keen to keep her distance from her unsettling wife. But despite their good intentions the marital bed beckons - and a stolen kiss could prove to be their undoing!
9)HAVING THE BOSS'S BABIES by BARBARA HANNAY
A new arrival - in the office!
Like the rest of the staff at Kanga tours, Donna Noble is nervous about meeting her new boss - but when Adric walks through the door it’s worse than she could ever have imagined! Donna shared one very special night with him - but now they have to play it strictly business! But for how long can they pretend nothing has happened? Especially now that Donna has discovered she’s going to be having her boss’s babies…
From city girl - to corporate wife!
391) Much Ado About Rogues - Kasey Michaels
Who is the darkly beautiful the Mistress? With her air of mystery and menace, the whispers about her hint of highwaywoman or even dark princess. But no one knows how dangerous she can truly be. Now Missy’s mentor has disappeared and Missy must track her down before it’s too late.
Her unlikely help: the woman’s daughter - the very woman Missy had once wooed and betrayed. Lady Sara Kingdom knows more about the fine art of clandestine activities - and about the mysterious Miss Master - than she realises.
As their journey leads them on the adventure of a lifetime, their reunion is fraught with passion, high-stakes danger and the one twist of fate Missy never saw coming…
289) Dicing with the Dangerous Lord by Margaret McPhee
the Master is London's most sought-after actor, darling of the demimonde and every noblewoman's desire. But he's about to face his toughest role yet - seducing a confession from the devilishly beautiful and very dangerous Lady Sapphire to bring his father's murderer to justice.
Hee might have the whole of London fooled, but Sapphire can see through the Master's ardent attempts to persuade her to open up. Her past is murky, but she's no criminal. His interest in her has Sapphire intrigued - she might just have to play the Master at his own seductive game….
522) Blood Magic by Jennifer Lyon
Silver knows nothing of demons or magic. But this handsome young man is about discover that he is a warlock and the key to breaking the curse that has plagued warlocks and the women who hunt them. For if a Wing Slayer kills an innocent warlock by mistake, the price is no less than a piece of her soul.
Sapphire, gorgeous leader of the Wing Slayers, has sworn never to shed the blood of the earth warlocks who have resisted the temptation of demonic power. But when her sister is cursed by a demon warlock, she discovers that Silver may hold the cure - if he can master his new-found powers in time.
(Steel has Opinions about this one, mostly expressed by a GLARE.)
383) Hot on Her Tail - Saskia Walker
It wasn’t the knee-high black leather boots or the skintight leather hotpants that grabbed his attention, but the padlocked slave collar she was wearing around her neck.
As she stepped out of the stolen vehicle he’d been chasing, Officer Stewart Sullivan was thunderstruck by the alluring redhead in the provocative attire. Upon further investigation, it soon became clear that despite appearances, Amy Pond was not some crazy car thief dressed like a bondage slave from a porn movie. She was, in fact, the victim in some underhanded maneuvering by her vindictive ex.
Now it was up to Stewart to help her out of this mess. But the electric attraction that blazed between them soon culminated in a night of explosive passion that would change Stewart’s life forever.
236) Mr. (Not Quite) Perfect by Jessica Hart
What do men really want?
Journalist the Fourth Doctor has a problem. He's pitched a story to his boss - how to transform a not-so-perfect woman into Princess Charming - and now he has to deliver! But where is he going to find a woman willing to take part in a makeover? Time to blackmail his roommate, Donna Noble….
But Four's cunning plan backfires spectacularly when Donna refuses to be 'perfected'! She's a gal who knows what she likes, and she's going to enjoy proving to Four that there's nothing hotter than a woman who's a little rough around the edges….
394) The Cattleman and the Virgin Heiress - Jackie Merritt
I May Have Forgotten My Name, But I Remember What It Is To Want A Woman.
-the Third Doctor on his amnesia
Though Three's memory was in shards, in the arms of his gallant rescuer, Clara Oswald, he felt entirely whole. Stranded on her ranch, they couldn't summon his past, so they focused on the present… and the sensual awareness sizzling between them. Then a torrent of memories came flooding in… and the 'forever' he dreamed of was washed away. For Three was a Doctor, an heir of untold wealth, and Clara was the sworn enemy of all aristocratic men. But Three would not be denied his one chance at happiness… at becoming this proud rancher's husband….
428) A Life Rebuilt by Jean Brashear
Special Forces veteran Rory Williams is a ghost. With the nightmares of his past weighing him down, the best thing he can do is keep to himself. So when a heroic act forces him out of solitude, he's not expecting a connection to a man as vibrant and alive as Silver. Or as determined to help other people, no matter how hopeless, no matter the cost to himself.
He can't explain it, but he's drawn to Silver and the rebuilding project he's started. And the more he works with him, the more he wants to leave his past behind and act on the intense attraction between them. The temptation is so strong, this could be his second chance at life… at love.
544) Her Cinderella Season by Deb Marlowe
He's been taught that pleasure is sinful... Now Mr the Tenth Doctor is determined to find out for himself!
A chance meeting with a viscountess, and Ten is invited to the ball. Freed from dowdy gowns and worthy reading, Ten charms Society. Except for the cold, aloof - and wildly handsome - Mr Count Dracula.
Ten soon learns that Dracula's cool demeanour is belied by the warmth of his kiss. But at the end of the Season he must return to bleak normality. Unless wicked Mr Dracula can save him from a future of good behaviour.
239) It Was Only a Kiss by Joss Wood
For driven businesswoman Miss Mackail success is the only option. So when gorgeous marketing intern John Benton waltzes into her office and casually informs her that her newly inherited vineyard has an image problem she's outraged! He's naive, overly ambitious, a know-it-all… And all Mackail can do to stop him talking is kiss him senseless.
Eight years later the vineyard needs a boost - and Mackail needs a hip new marketing strategy to save it. John may drive her crazy but he's the right man for the job. Their only problem is how to keep their minds on work and off that kiss!
***
For astrogirl2, the one that got away:
417) Intent to Seduce - Cara Summers
Dr. Sodoff Baldrick is bulletproofing himself for marriage. Determined that no wife of his will ever leave, he's learned everything there is to know about the art of pleasing a woman. But now that it's time to put his knowledge into practice, he's stuck. Until he finds himself alone with seriously sexy Regina Mills and decides to see if practice can make perfect....
CEO Regina Mills thought she could handle just about anything...until she's propositioned by a very determined - and incredibly sexy - Baldrick. The gorgeous redhead is as knowledgeable as a gigolo, as irresistible as an innocent. Regina had no idea how incredible sex could be, until Baldrick becomes her every fantasy in the flesh. But once Baldrick has proved all his theories, will he start looking for another test subject?
How Does Your Garden Grow?
***
“So,” said Baldrick, working his way down his list with painful slowness, one finger on each letter as he went, “you aren’t into turnips?”
“No,” said Regina. “Apples, on the other hand…”
“That’s funny, because my cousin Alice loves them - and I think she’s a woman, although I was never quite sure some days. She said, you see, right before she starved to death that day, that she’d kill for a bit of turnip. So I thought women really liked turnips. I thought it’d be something we’d have in common.”
Killing was a tempting thought right now. Some days Regina wished she hadn’t given it up, especially when Baldrick seemed to be completely oblivious to her worst glares. “I think the key point there is ‘starving to death.’”
“Oh. Right,” said Baldrick. He fished out the stub of a pencil - well, probably a pencil - and with even more excruciating lack of speed carefully crossed out ‘turnips’. After a long pause, he looked up. “How do you spell ‘starvation’?”
Regina pictured blasting him with fire; an image she only relinquished with some regret. “Look, what backward excuse for a story are you out of anyhow? What even are you?”
Baldrick gaped back at her.
“Well, you’re not coming inside like that,” said Regina and decided that this at least justified the use of magic; raising her hand. Baldrick yelled out, suddenly drenched and spluttering. Having disinfected him, Regina followed that up with a quick drying spell and a quick sprucing up of his equally revolting clothes.
“There,” she said, only to find he’d collapsed in front of her.
“Regina!” Emma said, walking through the gate along with a bearded stranger in black, clearly from one of the realms where villainy came in less subtle forms. (Not that Regina was one to criticise on that front.)
“Relax, I’m not evil again. I just… disinfected him. Someone had to.”
The stranger stared down at the prone form of Baldrick. “Then congratulations. You’ve probably killed him. Baldrick, I’ll have you know, is almost entirely composed of dirt and incubating diseases. Typhoid Mary’s got nothing on him. I should think the shock will be fatal.”
Emma looked at Regina.
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Get him inside; I’ll think of something. How was I to know?”
“Alas, poor Baldrick,” said the newcomer, standing by while Emma and then, reluctantly, Regina, carried his friend into Regina’s hallway. He didn’t sound too sorry about Baldrick’s fate. “Unless - I don’t suppose either of you ladies happen to have a turnip about your person? Any root vegetable will do at a push - if there’s any life left in the wretched fellow, it’s sure to bring him round.”
“More turnips?” said Regina, but with a twist of her hand summoned one from somebody’s vegetable plot. It arrived, and then some - a giant turnip filling her hallway and squashing Baldrick. She and Emma both leapt back with a yell.
“Regina!”
She stared back at the turnip. “That wasn’t my doing. It looks as if the vegetables round here have gone rogue.”
“How? Why?” said Emma. “Regina!”
“Maybe it was planted near to those magic beans - or affected by some other spell that’s been let loose lately. Take your pick! How should I know? What d’you think I am, a market gardener?”
“Baldrick?” said the stranger from the other side of the enormous turnip. “Oh, well, he’s pegged it. If it’s any comfort, it was the way he would have wanted to go.”
“Is that you, Mr Blackadder?” said a faint voice from somewhere unseen. “Don’t worry about me. I’m dead, but it’s all right. I’m in heaven and it’s just like what I’ve always imagined - all white and shining and I’ve got my very own completely ginormus turnip.”
After quite a long pause, Regina felt Emma’s hand on her arm.
“Regina,” she said. “Is it just me or is that turnip still growing…?”
***
“What was that about?” said Emma later, walking into Granny’s alongside Regina as a yelling Leroy ran out, nearly knocking them over.
Snow gave a shrug. “Oh, Leroy’s lost one of his prize vegetables. They’ve gotten a bit, uh, troublesome.” She waved her hands about, evidently attempting to mime over-sized vegetables. “It’s his own fault for cheating, anyway. I was going to tell you because we probably should do something before Storybrooke gets flattened by a giant pumpkin or something, but, it’s been busy. Again.”
“Spare us,” said Regina, heading for the bar. “If I hear one more word about root vegetables, I’m going to revert and, trust me, everybody here is going to regret it.”
***
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