Fic: Conversations From Whitbury Leisure Centre
For jjpor, who asked for Rimmer meeting Brittas in the meme. Unfortunately, I could not get out of my head the other conversations that must have taken place around that time, so Kryten also meets Colin, Laura has a chat with Lister and Cat has an encounter with Carole and Linda.
***
One: Rimmer doesn't believe in earth and Brittas doesn't believe in space
“No, wait don’t tell me,” said the stranger, holding up a hand. “You’re me, aren’t you? Some other alternate smug, self-satisfied me from an another reality. I knew it. I told that metal gimboid that no scheme dreamt up by the first cousin to a washing machine and a blonde bimbo of computer with an IQ of about three on a good day was actually going to be able to get us back to earth. Hah.”
Gordon Brittas sat himself down at his desk. He had been prepared to make allowances for what was so obviously an accident - and Whitbury Leisure Centre was no stranger to accidents. However, the newcomer’s inappropriate amusement at the situation was beginning to make him think otherwise. And as for the complete gibberish he was spouting-. He shook his head, mildly amused himself and wondered if he was an escaped lunatic, in which case the gentle touch was the way to go. “I’m afraid,” he said carefully, “that I don’t find this very funny, Mr - ah?”
“Rimmer. But I don‘t need to tell you that, do I?”
Brittas said, “Yes, you do. And I need to talk to you about some rather serious matters. Can you even begin to imagine what sort of health and safety hazards might be caused by recklessly driving a novelty vehicle into the swimming pool? I hope we can discuss this reasonably and you won’t cause me to call in the police. After all, nobody wants that, do they?”
“Well, not again, anyway,” said a voice from the doorway. “They were talking about charging you if they had to come in one more time this week.”
The leisure centre manager paused and twisted up his mouth before speaking. “Julie. I don’t remember saying you could stay.”
“No, but I’m waiting for you to ask it,” she said. “Go on. One of you two’s got to say it.”
“What?” they both said.
She rolled her eyes. “He’s the spitting image of you, Mr Brittas!”
Brittas eyed the stranger in his outlandish, shimmering red outfit. “There may be a slight similarity,” he admitted. “However, I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, Julie.”
“What did you say his name was?” asked Rimmer, unfolding his arms and losing some of his inpenetrable smugness.
Gordon decided to take control of the conversation once more. “I’m Gordon Brittas; this is Whitbury Leisure Centre and I’m the manager here. Now can we get back to discussing the slightly vital matter of the swimming pool and the vehicle currently sitting in the middle of it causing all sorts of potential risks to our users? And the water polo team is due at two o’clock.”
“You’re not called Rimmer, then?” he asked. “You’re absolutely sure about that?”
He leant back in his chair, giving a small smile. “I think I can safely say that I do know my own name.”
“Then it’s got to be some sort of joke,” said Rimmer. “That’ll be it. I should have suspected: this one’s got Dave I-Just-Did-It-For-A-Laugh Lister’s name all over it. What are you? Some sort of computer simulation? Well, if he thinks I’m going to fall for this sort of nonsense, he can think again.”
Brittas decided that he had been right all along. The man was clearly unhinged. He got to his feet and gave an oily smile. “You just wait there. I’m sure all of this can be sorted out. Julie, what are you still doing here?”
“Well, as he’s clearly a complete nutter, I was hoping he might try to throttle you,” she said. “All right, I’m going!” She slammed the door behind her.
Gordon said, “Now, you wait there. I’ll get Julie to fetch you a cup of tea and I’ll sort out that little business with the swimming pool. Nothing for you to worry about -.”
“What are you up to?” demanded Rimmer.
He tried to put a hand on his arm and failed. “What -?”
“Oh, I’m dead, by the way,” he said. “Hadn’t you noticed? I’m a hologram.”
Brittas made a second attempt to touch him; his hand passing right through the stranger. He paled and fainted.
“I suppose I’d better find the rest,” said Rimmer, making his exit without a backwards glance at the other.
***
Two: Colin and Kryten and An Ingenious Invention
“Excuse me,” said Colin.
Kryten turned, looked him up and down and understood his apology. “That’s quite all right, sir. You’re excused. Humans are subject to these embarrassing little ailments.”
“You were wanting some way of refuelling your space ship, weren’t you?”
He paused. “Ah. And you believe you have a solution?”
“I don’t mean to sound boastful, but I’m pretty sure I can help,” he said, leaning closer. Kryten unlike a human, did not hastily increase the space between them. “Just don’t tell Mr Brittas because he’s got a bit sensitive about these little experiments of mine these days. I can’t think why. Now, follow me.”
Kryten did.
Moments later, he was examining an unlikely but effective contraption down in the boiler room.
“May I congratulate you, sir?” said Kryten. “This is ingenious. How did you think of it? True, it is a little unsafe in execution and shaky on the design, but otherwise magnificent. I usually find that humans are so quaintly reluctant to make use of these sort of materials’ potential uses.”
Colin glowed with pleasure. “Thank you very much, Mr Kryten.”
“Oh, no, it’s Kryten, sir. I am merely a mechanoid. My purpose is to serve.”
He coughed. “Well, you can make use of the produce any time you want. Will it do?”
“I should think it will be quite adequate as an emergency fuel replacement,” he acknowledged. “Do you mind if I make one or two alterations, sir? It is a most admirable machine, but, if I may be so bold, there are one or two rather hazardous features that could be corrected quite simply.”
Colin stepped aside. “Oh, be my guest. It’s a pleasure to find a genuine enthusiast for one of my little projects.”
Kryten ‘hmmed’ to himself and then set about altering the home made fuel-generator, fixing a pipe more securely and adjusting one of the controls. “There. I think you will find that -.” He stopped, as a toilet somewhere exploded. “Did you hear something?”
“No,” said Colin. “I’m afraid not. What was it like?”
He gave a guilty grimace. “A rather loud bang, sir.”
“Of course,” said Colin, “I’ve got this poltice of lard and pork jelly in my left ear so I am a bit deaf at the moment.”
Humans, thought Kryten were completely unaccountable.
***
Three Laura Makes Lister A Proposal
“Okay, let me get this straight,” said Lister, wondering if he was hallucinating. It had been known, and not only was an apparently sane, attractive woman sitting here talking to him as if he was a human being (even if she wasn’t exactly his type), she’d just made the most lunatic suggestion he’d ever heard and that was saying something. Yet she didn‘t look crazy and she had a dignity that even the unflattering green t-shirt and shorts of the leisure centre uniform couldn’t diminish. “You want to swap Rimmer for this Brittas bloke?”
Laura nodded. “Yes. What do you say?”
“That’s insane! What d’you want Rimmer for? Trust me, stick with the one you’ve got.”
She leant forward. “A change of clothes and no one would ever notice.”
“Yeah, but he’s a complete and utter smeghead. There’s no way -.”
“That’s part of the point,” she returned. “Look, as long as he doesn’t have a beautiful dream about bringing people together through sport -.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. Rimmer?”
“And,” Laura continued with a shrug, “he may be a bastard, but he seems to be slightly more intelligent, he’s managed to master sarcasm and, more importantly, if what you tell me is true, he can’t touch anything at all.”
Lister frowned. “You’re serious, aren’t you? Are you telling me your guy is worse than Rimmer?”
“Actually, I’m not,” she said with a cool smile. “To be honest, he’s a decent man underneath it all. He has the best of intentions. He‘d always try to do the right thing and he‘d never so much as look at a woman who wasn‘t his wife. Unfortunately he‘s also the most insanely annoying man I‘ve ever met.”
Lister said, “Hey, you said he was married. You might think this is a good idea, but his wife wouldn’t.”
“Mrs Brittas?” Laura reflected. “I shouldn’t think she’d mind.”
“He’s a hologram,” he reminded her. “He can’t, you know, touch anything. Like you said.”
Laura drew back. “Oh, don’t worry about that. Mrs Brittas will find her own means of coping. She usually does.”
“Okay,” said Lister. “Don’t think I’m not tempted to take you up on this one, but the man can’t even accept that Starbug is a space ship. He keeps calling it a novelty vehicle and asking us why we’re all in fancy dress. I don’t think he’d be able to cope with life out among the stars. It‘d drive him right out of his tiny little mind.”
“Possibly,” she agreed. “But still -.”
“You’re mad. You‘re telling me he‘s not a bad bloke and you‘re willing to do this to him?”
Laura looked up and called over to another member of leisure centre staff. “Gavin, go and get the accident book off Julie, would you?”
“All right,” he said. “Which one?”
She leant her chin on her hands. “Oh, the pre-Brittas one for comparison and any volume after that will do.”
Eventually Julie arrived. “Gavin said you wanted these,” she said, dropping two A4 books, one thin, one far fatter on the table between them. “The original accident book and Volume Twenty.”
“Have a read,” said Laura, pushing them towards Lister.
He took it. “Has it got pictures? I‘m not so good on all those big words.”
A while later, he shut the second book. He looked at her. “Okay, I get it. And no way is he being let loose on a spaceship. I’ll take my chances with the smegger I know.”
“You can understand why I had to try,” said Laura. “I swear if I see one more well-meaning, badly executed plan go up in smoke - and, by the way, I do mean smoke in most cases - I shall scream.”
Lister stood. “Nah, sorry. If you were willing to take both of them in exchange for a fresh stash of curry, I might take you up on it. As it is -. Better the devil you know, eh?”
“Yes, you’re probably right.”
“You know what,” said Julie, returning, “I suppose I ought to tell you that Mr Brittas is lying flat out in his office and I’m hoping that weird twin of his has killed him.”
Laura glanced at Lister.
“He can’t have done,” said the man from the future.
She sighed. “Don’t worry, Julie. I’ll sort it all out.”
***
Four: Cat, Meet Carole and Linda
Cat leant on the reception desk and gave the dark-haired woman there his best smile. “So,” he said, “you’re an actual, live female, are you?”
“Well, yes, I’m afraid so,” she said, wringing her hands. “I’m so sorry. Can I help you?”
He grinned. “Why don’t you show me around?”
*
Moments later, Cat raced into the staff room and slammed the door behind him. “Help!” he said to the short, blonde woman who was fighting with her locker door. “There’s some mad woman out there and she’s got all these kiddies in drawers!”
“Oh, you mean Carole,” said Linda. “Yes. Why?”
He paused. “Well, that doesn’t seem normal to me.” Then he brightened, “Hey, you’re a female, too…”
*
It was not too much longer before Cat was forcibly thrown back out of the staff room, leaving a Cat-shaped hole in the door.
Gavin was coming back down the stairs. He paused to raised his eyebrows.
“Cheek,” said Linda, rubbing her hands. “I had to explain a few things to him.”
Her colleague gave her a look of alarm and backed up the stairs again.
“Oh, the poor man,” said Carole with instant sympathy. “I think he must be unwell. He looked quite faint when I showed him the twins a moment ago.”
Linda frowned. “Well, he should have listened when I told him that I only let Edward do the sorts of things he wanted to do.”
Cat decided it was time to slip away while they weren’t looking and find one of his fellow crew-members. They had to get out of this crazy place.
***
Unfortunately, since the meme was supposed to be conversations, I abandoned Starbug crashing into the swimming pool during a fire drill. (This is why Tim is not around: he's in a huff - as ever - due to Gavin's 'callousness' in not being concerned for his hypothetical safety in an imaginary emergency.)
***
One: Rimmer doesn't believe in earth and Brittas doesn't believe in space
“No, wait don’t tell me,” said the stranger, holding up a hand. “You’re me, aren’t you? Some other alternate smug, self-satisfied me from an another reality. I knew it. I told that metal gimboid that no scheme dreamt up by the first cousin to a washing machine and a blonde bimbo of computer with an IQ of about three on a good day was actually going to be able to get us back to earth. Hah.”
Gordon Brittas sat himself down at his desk. He had been prepared to make allowances for what was so obviously an accident - and Whitbury Leisure Centre was no stranger to accidents. However, the newcomer’s inappropriate amusement at the situation was beginning to make him think otherwise. And as for the complete gibberish he was spouting-. He shook his head, mildly amused himself and wondered if he was an escaped lunatic, in which case the gentle touch was the way to go. “I’m afraid,” he said carefully, “that I don’t find this very funny, Mr - ah?”
“Rimmer. But I don‘t need to tell you that, do I?”
Brittas said, “Yes, you do. And I need to talk to you about some rather serious matters. Can you even begin to imagine what sort of health and safety hazards might be caused by recklessly driving a novelty vehicle into the swimming pool? I hope we can discuss this reasonably and you won’t cause me to call in the police. After all, nobody wants that, do they?”
“Well, not again, anyway,” said a voice from the doorway. “They were talking about charging you if they had to come in one more time this week.”
The leisure centre manager paused and twisted up his mouth before speaking. “Julie. I don’t remember saying you could stay.”
“No, but I’m waiting for you to ask it,” she said. “Go on. One of you two’s got to say it.”
“What?” they both said.
She rolled her eyes. “He’s the spitting image of you, Mr Brittas!”
Brittas eyed the stranger in his outlandish, shimmering red outfit. “There may be a slight similarity,” he admitted. “However, I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, Julie.”
“What did you say his name was?” asked Rimmer, unfolding his arms and losing some of his inpenetrable smugness.
Gordon decided to take control of the conversation once more. “I’m Gordon Brittas; this is Whitbury Leisure Centre and I’m the manager here. Now can we get back to discussing the slightly vital matter of the swimming pool and the vehicle currently sitting in the middle of it causing all sorts of potential risks to our users? And the water polo team is due at two o’clock.”
“You’re not called Rimmer, then?” he asked. “You’re absolutely sure about that?”
He leant back in his chair, giving a small smile. “I think I can safely say that I do know my own name.”
“Then it’s got to be some sort of joke,” said Rimmer. “That’ll be it. I should have suspected: this one’s got Dave I-Just-Did-It-For-A-Laugh Lister’s name all over it. What are you? Some sort of computer simulation? Well, if he thinks I’m going to fall for this sort of nonsense, he can think again.”
Brittas decided that he had been right all along. The man was clearly unhinged. He got to his feet and gave an oily smile. “You just wait there. I’m sure all of this can be sorted out. Julie, what are you still doing here?”
“Well, as he’s clearly a complete nutter, I was hoping he might try to throttle you,” she said. “All right, I’m going!” She slammed the door behind her.
Gordon said, “Now, you wait there. I’ll get Julie to fetch you a cup of tea and I’ll sort out that little business with the swimming pool. Nothing for you to worry about -.”
“What are you up to?” demanded Rimmer.
He tried to put a hand on his arm and failed. “What -?”
“Oh, I’m dead, by the way,” he said. “Hadn’t you noticed? I’m a hologram.”
Brittas made a second attempt to touch him; his hand passing right through the stranger. He paled and fainted.
“I suppose I’d better find the rest,” said Rimmer, making his exit without a backwards glance at the other.
***
Two: Colin and Kryten and An Ingenious Invention
“Excuse me,” said Colin.
Kryten turned, looked him up and down and understood his apology. “That’s quite all right, sir. You’re excused. Humans are subject to these embarrassing little ailments.”
“You were wanting some way of refuelling your space ship, weren’t you?”
He paused. “Ah. And you believe you have a solution?”
“I don’t mean to sound boastful, but I’m pretty sure I can help,” he said, leaning closer. Kryten unlike a human, did not hastily increase the space between them. “Just don’t tell Mr Brittas because he’s got a bit sensitive about these little experiments of mine these days. I can’t think why. Now, follow me.”
Kryten did.
Moments later, he was examining an unlikely but effective contraption down in the boiler room.
“May I congratulate you, sir?” said Kryten. “This is ingenious. How did you think of it? True, it is a little unsafe in execution and shaky on the design, but otherwise magnificent. I usually find that humans are so quaintly reluctant to make use of these sort of materials’ potential uses.”
Colin glowed with pleasure. “Thank you very much, Mr Kryten.”
“Oh, no, it’s Kryten, sir. I am merely a mechanoid. My purpose is to serve.”
He coughed. “Well, you can make use of the produce any time you want. Will it do?”
“I should think it will be quite adequate as an emergency fuel replacement,” he acknowledged. “Do you mind if I make one or two alterations, sir? It is a most admirable machine, but, if I may be so bold, there are one or two rather hazardous features that could be corrected quite simply.”
Colin stepped aside. “Oh, be my guest. It’s a pleasure to find a genuine enthusiast for one of my little projects.”
Kryten ‘hmmed’ to himself and then set about altering the home made fuel-generator, fixing a pipe more securely and adjusting one of the controls. “There. I think you will find that -.” He stopped, as a toilet somewhere exploded. “Did you hear something?”
“No,” said Colin. “I’m afraid not. What was it like?”
He gave a guilty grimace. “A rather loud bang, sir.”
“Of course,” said Colin, “I’ve got this poltice of lard and pork jelly in my left ear so I am a bit deaf at the moment.”
Humans, thought Kryten were completely unaccountable.
***
Three Laura Makes Lister A Proposal
“Okay, let me get this straight,” said Lister, wondering if he was hallucinating. It had been known, and not only was an apparently sane, attractive woman sitting here talking to him as if he was a human being (even if she wasn’t exactly his type), she’d just made the most lunatic suggestion he’d ever heard and that was saying something. Yet she didn‘t look crazy and she had a dignity that even the unflattering green t-shirt and shorts of the leisure centre uniform couldn’t diminish. “You want to swap Rimmer for this Brittas bloke?”
Laura nodded. “Yes. What do you say?”
“That’s insane! What d’you want Rimmer for? Trust me, stick with the one you’ve got.”
She leant forward. “A change of clothes and no one would ever notice.”
“Yeah, but he’s a complete and utter smeghead. There’s no way -.”
“That’s part of the point,” she returned. “Look, as long as he doesn’t have a beautiful dream about bringing people together through sport -.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. Rimmer?”
“And,” Laura continued with a shrug, “he may be a bastard, but he seems to be slightly more intelligent, he’s managed to master sarcasm and, more importantly, if what you tell me is true, he can’t touch anything at all.”
Lister frowned. “You’re serious, aren’t you? Are you telling me your guy is worse than Rimmer?”
“Actually, I’m not,” she said with a cool smile. “To be honest, he’s a decent man underneath it all. He has the best of intentions. He‘d always try to do the right thing and he‘d never so much as look at a woman who wasn‘t his wife. Unfortunately he‘s also the most insanely annoying man I‘ve ever met.”
Lister said, “Hey, you said he was married. You might think this is a good idea, but his wife wouldn’t.”
“Mrs Brittas?” Laura reflected. “I shouldn’t think she’d mind.”
“He’s a hologram,” he reminded her. “He can’t, you know, touch anything. Like you said.”
Laura drew back. “Oh, don’t worry about that. Mrs Brittas will find her own means of coping. She usually does.”
“Okay,” said Lister. “Don’t think I’m not tempted to take you up on this one, but the man can’t even accept that Starbug is a space ship. He keeps calling it a novelty vehicle and asking us why we’re all in fancy dress. I don’t think he’d be able to cope with life out among the stars. It‘d drive him right out of his tiny little mind.”
“Possibly,” she agreed. “But still -.”
“You’re mad. You‘re telling me he‘s not a bad bloke and you‘re willing to do this to him?”
Laura looked up and called over to another member of leisure centre staff. “Gavin, go and get the accident book off Julie, would you?”
“All right,” he said. “Which one?”
She leant her chin on her hands. “Oh, the pre-Brittas one for comparison and any volume after that will do.”
Eventually Julie arrived. “Gavin said you wanted these,” she said, dropping two A4 books, one thin, one far fatter on the table between them. “The original accident book and Volume Twenty.”
“Have a read,” said Laura, pushing them towards Lister.
He took it. “Has it got pictures? I‘m not so good on all those big words.”
A while later, he shut the second book. He looked at her. “Okay, I get it. And no way is he being let loose on a spaceship. I’ll take my chances with the smegger I know.”
“You can understand why I had to try,” said Laura. “I swear if I see one more well-meaning, badly executed plan go up in smoke - and, by the way, I do mean smoke in most cases - I shall scream.”
Lister stood. “Nah, sorry. If you were willing to take both of them in exchange for a fresh stash of curry, I might take you up on it. As it is -. Better the devil you know, eh?”
“Yes, you’re probably right.”
“You know what,” said Julie, returning, “I suppose I ought to tell you that Mr Brittas is lying flat out in his office and I’m hoping that weird twin of his has killed him.”
Laura glanced at Lister.
“He can’t have done,” said the man from the future.
She sighed. “Don’t worry, Julie. I’ll sort it all out.”
***
Four: Cat, Meet Carole and Linda
Cat leant on the reception desk and gave the dark-haired woman there his best smile. “So,” he said, “you’re an actual, live female, are you?”
“Well, yes, I’m afraid so,” she said, wringing her hands. “I’m so sorry. Can I help you?”
He grinned. “Why don’t you show me around?”
*
Moments later, Cat raced into the staff room and slammed the door behind him. “Help!” he said to the short, blonde woman who was fighting with her locker door. “There’s some mad woman out there and she’s got all these kiddies in drawers!”
“Oh, you mean Carole,” said Linda. “Yes. Why?”
He paused. “Well, that doesn’t seem normal to me.” Then he brightened, “Hey, you’re a female, too…”
*
It was not too much longer before Cat was forcibly thrown back out of the staff room, leaving a Cat-shaped hole in the door.
Gavin was coming back down the stairs. He paused to raised his eyebrows.
“Cheek,” said Linda, rubbing her hands. “I had to explain a few things to him.”
Her colleague gave her a look of alarm and backed up the stairs again.
“Oh, the poor man,” said Carole with instant sympathy. “I think he must be unwell. He looked quite faint when I showed him the twins a moment ago.”
Linda frowned. “Well, he should have listened when I told him that I only let Edward do the sorts of things he wanted to do.”
Cat decided it was time to slip away while they weren’t looking and find one of his fellow crew-members. They had to get out of this crazy place.
***
Unfortunately, since the meme was supposed to be conversations, I abandoned Starbug crashing into the swimming pool during a fire drill. (This is why Tim is not around: he's in a huff - as ever - due to Gavin's 'callousness' in not being concerned for his hypothetical safety in an imaginary emergency.)