Meme Results (Part 2)
The next round of daft snippets from the housework meme. As last time, only the tiniest bit of actual shippiness in the Allo Allo one.
5. Jonathan Creek - Jonathan Creek/Maddy Magellan: hanging out (or folding up) the laundry (387 words) From justice_turtle
“There’s a dead body lying under your clothes line?”
Maddy nodded, and took another mouthful of tea, narrowly missing spilling it over the phone. “Yeah. Can you believe it?”
“I’m having difficulty.”
“Look, come on over. Do your thing. Explain it to me.”
“You explain it.”
“Well,” said Maddy, “I can only assume that she climbed into the washing machine while I wasn’t looking, got simultaneously drowned and strangled during the main cycle, then I hauled her out with the sheets without noticing until she fell out of the washing basket onto the patio. How do I know? Jonathan, I mean it.”
“So, you’ve phoned the police, have you?”
“Not yet. I thought of you first.” She gave the phone a hopeful look. “I thought they might arrest me.”
“Well, they definitely will if you don’t report it.”
“I mean, what can you do?”
“Not believe a word of it,” he said, his voice a small, irritated sound on the other end of the line. “You stole the idea off Miss Marple, anyway. What do you really want? Although I know I’m going to regret asking -”
Maddy only grinned. “Oh, all right. You got me. But I thought it’d only take you five seconds to come out with that.”
“Maddy. What do you want?”
She took a bite of her toast, rendering her answer slightly indistinct: “Tumble drier’s broken again.”
“They have people to fix these things. Phone your electrician, or your plumber, or whoever.”
Maddy glared at the receiver. “You know what? It’s the strangest thing. I’m getting a premonition of another murder. I can’t quite see… no, wait. It’s a man… they’ve found him lying dead in a windmill. Blood everywhere. Some lonely middle-aged git of a magician’s assistant. They’re saying it’s an accident, one of his tricks gone hideously wrong, but I don’t know about that. What do you think?”
“… middle-aged?” said Jonathan.
“I’ll buy you a coffee,” Maddy added. “And there’s something else. Look, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve got something better to do.”
“I have, and I’m not -”
Maddy cut him off before he could finish and looked at her watch, calculating that she should have plenty of time to finish her toast, get washed and dressed, and maybe even finish off that article before he got here.
***
8. DW - Brig/Liz - ironing (310 words) From persiflage_1
“If you dare suggest I should iron your shirt, I shall resign!”
The Brigadier paused. “Miss Shaw, I merely asked you if you’d seen an iron anywhere. I wouldn’t dream of wasting your valuable time.”
“And why,” said Liz, beginning to be amused again now, “did you imagine a scientific laboratory would come equipped with an iron?”
The Brigadier merely smiled at her. “I’ve found it’s a good rule to assume the Doctor might have anything in here.”
“An iron? For straightening out awkward wires, or -?”
“Miss Shaw,” he said repressively, but she detected an answering spark of humour in his eyes. “The fellow must iron his shirts sometime.”
Liz smiled. “Well, if he has, I’ve no idea where it is. I’ve never seen one in here - and in any case, you know what he’s like. He’d probably have adapted it for improved efficiency, and you never know what that might do to your best shirt.”
“Good Lord,” said the Brigadier, looking to the ceiling. “Very true. Well, this is awkward. And I have the minister and the General about to turn up any minute. If someone can find me one, I should be able to sort it out before the function this evening, but -”
“Hand it over,” said Liz, holding out her hand. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m still not going to do your ironing, Brigadier - but I’m sure I can find someone who can.”
The Brigadier hesitated.
“You don’t want to be late for tea with the minister,” she reminded him, careful to remain straight-faced.
He passed the hanger and shirt over. “Frankly, Miss Shaw, I’d prefer an alien invasion, but I suppose duty calls -”
“Quite,” said Liz, and watched him go. Then she double-checked everything the Doctor had been working on was shut down and safely switched off - and went in search of Sergeant Benton.
***
9. Allo Allo - Helga Geerhart/Otto Flick: clearing the spiders out of the garage. (246 words) From brunhilde_1013
“But, Herr Flick the intention was not to rid your garage of the spiders. That was an unfortunate side-effect of blowing up the wall and the resulting flood from the burst pipe.”
“A very unfortunate side-effect,” said Herr Flick, tight-lipped. “Someone will regret it.”
“But is it not better this way?”
Herr Flick swung around to face her. “No, it is not! Do you not realise those were specially trained Gestapo spiders? It is not easy to keep my secret headquarters at the correct level of sinister cobwebs. Appearances are important.”
“I confess, Herr Flick, I had never given the matter any serious thought. Once again, your attention to detail gives me a slight thrill.”
“Only a slight thrill? Why is this, Helga?”
“The thrill is somewhat lessened by my intense dislike of spiders.”
“I see. However,” said Herr Flick, “one must also enquire… what was the intention in blowing up the wall of my garage, killing off my trained Gestapo web-spinners, and wrecking yet another staff car?”
“I understand that it was an accident with a Christmas pudding.”
“A Christmas pudding? It is not even December. This seems highly unlikely to me.”
“An exploding Christmas pudding. However, the General believes that he has the culprits locked up at the Chateau.”
“Excellent. Then I will shortly have some instructions for you, Helga. First, however -”
“Yes, Herr Flick?”
“You may kiss me.”
“Thank you, Herr Flick.” Then Helga gave a small, private smile, and obliged.
***
Allo Allo is a terrible thing to write. I forgot I threw these two in. If you do the accents, it looks awful. If you don't, it's just kind of wrong as well.
17. Blake's 7 - Tarrant/Dayna: cleaning the kitchen or galley (89 words) From vilakins
Tarrant paused for a long moment and then wiped gunge off his face, before turning to look at Dayna, who was lying beside him on the floor of the Liberator’s galley. She was equally besplattered, and wrinkling her nose at the smell.
“I think,” said Tarrant, trying not to cough too hard at the billows of strangely coloured smoke “that we now know the best way to clear out the blocked waste disposal unit is not to chuck an explosive down it.”
“Oh, Tarrant. You’re always such a spoilsport.”
***
5. Jonathan Creek - Jonathan Creek/Maddy Magellan: hanging out (or folding up) the laundry (387 words) From justice_turtle
“There’s a dead body lying under your clothes line?”
Maddy nodded, and took another mouthful of tea, narrowly missing spilling it over the phone. “Yeah. Can you believe it?”
“I’m having difficulty.”
“Look, come on over. Do your thing. Explain it to me.”
“You explain it.”
“Well,” said Maddy, “I can only assume that she climbed into the washing machine while I wasn’t looking, got simultaneously drowned and strangled during the main cycle, then I hauled her out with the sheets without noticing until she fell out of the washing basket onto the patio. How do I know? Jonathan, I mean it.”
“So, you’ve phoned the police, have you?”
“Not yet. I thought of you first.” She gave the phone a hopeful look. “I thought they might arrest me.”
“Well, they definitely will if you don’t report it.”
“I mean, what can you do?”
“Not believe a word of it,” he said, his voice a small, irritated sound on the other end of the line. “You stole the idea off Miss Marple, anyway. What do you really want? Although I know I’m going to regret asking -”
Maddy only grinned. “Oh, all right. You got me. But I thought it’d only take you five seconds to come out with that.”
“Maddy. What do you want?”
She took a bite of her toast, rendering her answer slightly indistinct: “Tumble drier’s broken again.”
“They have people to fix these things. Phone your electrician, or your plumber, or whoever.”
Maddy glared at the receiver. “You know what? It’s the strangest thing. I’m getting a premonition of another murder. I can’t quite see… no, wait. It’s a man… they’ve found him lying dead in a windmill. Blood everywhere. Some lonely middle-aged git of a magician’s assistant. They’re saying it’s an accident, one of his tricks gone hideously wrong, but I don’t know about that. What do you think?”
“… middle-aged?” said Jonathan.
“I’ll buy you a coffee,” Maddy added. “And there’s something else. Look, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve got something better to do.”
“I have, and I’m not -”
Maddy cut him off before he could finish and looked at her watch, calculating that she should have plenty of time to finish her toast, get washed and dressed, and maybe even finish off that article before he got here.
***
8. DW - Brig/Liz - ironing (310 words) From persiflage_1
“If you dare suggest I should iron your shirt, I shall resign!”
The Brigadier paused. “Miss Shaw, I merely asked you if you’d seen an iron anywhere. I wouldn’t dream of wasting your valuable time.”
“And why,” said Liz, beginning to be amused again now, “did you imagine a scientific laboratory would come equipped with an iron?”
The Brigadier merely smiled at her. “I’ve found it’s a good rule to assume the Doctor might have anything in here.”
“An iron? For straightening out awkward wires, or -?”
“Miss Shaw,” he said repressively, but she detected an answering spark of humour in his eyes. “The fellow must iron his shirts sometime.”
Liz smiled. “Well, if he has, I’ve no idea where it is. I’ve never seen one in here - and in any case, you know what he’s like. He’d probably have adapted it for improved efficiency, and you never know what that might do to your best shirt.”
“Good Lord,” said the Brigadier, looking to the ceiling. “Very true. Well, this is awkward. And I have the minister and the General about to turn up any minute. If someone can find me one, I should be able to sort it out before the function this evening, but -”
“Hand it over,” said Liz, holding out her hand. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m still not going to do your ironing, Brigadier - but I’m sure I can find someone who can.”
The Brigadier hesitated.
“You don’t want to be late for tea with the minister,” she reminded him, careful to remain straight-faced.
He passed the hanger and shirt over. “Frankly, Miss Shaw, I’d prefer an alien invasion, but I suppose duty calls -”
“Quite,” said Liz, and watched him go. Then she double-checked everything the Doctor had been working on was shut down and safely switched off - and went in search of Sergeant Benton.
***
9. Allo Allo - Helga Geerhart/Otto Flick: clearing the spiders out of the garage. (246 words) From brunhilde_1013
“But, Herr Flick the intention was not to rid your garage of the spiders. That was an unfortunate side-effect of blowing up the wall and the resulting flood from the burst pipe.”
“A very unfortunate side-effect,” said Herr Flick, tight-lipped. “Someone will regret it.”
“But is it not better this way?”
Herr Flick swung around to face her. “No, it is not! Do you not realise those were specially trained Gestapo spiders? It is not easy to keep my secret headquarters at the correct level of sinister cobwebs. Appearances are important.”
“I confess, Herr Flick, I had never given the matter any serious thought. Once again, your attention to detail gives me a slight thrill.”
“Only a slight thrill? Why is this, Helga?”
“The thrill is somewhat lessened by my intense dislike of spiders.”
“I see. However,” said Herr Flick, “one must also enquire… what was the intention in blowing up the wall of my garage, killing off my trained Gestapo web-spinners, and wrecking yet another staff car?”
“I understand that it was an accident with a Christmas pudding.”
“A Christmas pudding? It is not even December. This seems highly unlikely to me.”
“An exploding Christmas pudding. However, the General believes that he has the culprits locked up at the Chateau.”
“Excellent. Then I will shortly have some instructions for you, Helga. First, however -”
“Yes, Herr Flick?”
“You may kiss me.”
“Thank you, Herr Flick.” Then Helga gave a small, private smile, and obliged.
***
Allo Allo is a terrible thing to write. I forgot I threw these two in. If you do the accents, it looks awful. If you don't, it's just kind of wrong as well.
17. Blake's 7 - Tarrant/Dayna: cleaning the kitchen or galley (89 words) From vilakins
Tarrant paused for a long moment and then wiped gunge off his face, before turning to look at Dayna, who was lying beside him on the floor of the Liberator’s galley. She was equally besplattered, and wrinkling her nose at the smell.
“I think,” said Tarrant, trying not to cough too hard at the billows of strangely coloured smoke “that we now know the best way to clear out the blocked waste disposal unit is not to chuck an explosive down it.”
“Oh, Tarrant. You’re always such a spoilsport.”
***