Confusion dissapears
I noticed since I moved out my confusion has dissapeared somewhat and for a while my fear is low and my mindset is good. I feel like things are going as they should. But i also feel like my plans are starting to fail. Graduation from Northern was a plan to stay till the end of the year but my mind isn't allowing me to be stabe I allways want to move around to have a smoke get drunk get high go out of my way to get what I need. Moving out of this town was my plan.. Still is my plan. But I have goals I have to acheive before I set out to leave this town. Once I acoplish them I will pack up my little bit of stuff and head out to Windsor. And this is only the begining. Or barely is.. Once I get there life will show me what it has to offer at least I hope so. Independance and freedom. To an exstent. I have been spending all my money on things that make me feel good. Junk food, friends and of course drugs.
Not to long ago I saw my dad drive by me while I was walking back to chantelles at like 4am he came up to me and asked how I was. I held a small conversation faked to be content and then gave him a hug and they drove off to Windsor. I noticed how far I was from the things I loved. My faimly and my "home". I left the foundation my parents laid out and left their guidlines that I followed all my life so things have changed. Well sorta I still smoke and drink and have but to my own exstent.
Fear is gone I have no fear of hiding things from my parents now I can just tll them the good things that happen in my life so I don't feel like I am lieing as much as before.
I used to feel the need to lie to my parents about how my day was to how I felt or what I thougt.. my opinions where barly spoken now I am currently around people who as as interested to listening to my opinions as I am theirs. Music is here. My mind is coming along for the ride this time cause I have the freedom to make choices and learn from them on my own instead of calling and asking for approval.
I could list all the dissadvantages of moving out but I'm to happy to at the momment. And right now I live by the momment so I make these momments count and now I can live them to their full exstent and enjoy them.
I am glad I know the people I do they thaught me so much about people in general and taught me how to deal with certain people. I have seen the nice side of people and the negative as we all may have at some point in life. aLot of people where nice enough to even invite me to stay at their place.
I'm learning who I am again. =] What I like what I don't like and in genral who the fuck I am. All the time living at home I was confused but now I can think for myself.
My past, Presnt and future are the only foggy things in life at the momment.The present is where I live and it is where I've been learning the most. The past is my guidline now and the future is where I am right now where I will be once I'm done this =P. Something I don't plan anymore.
The confusion I had alot, was based on thinking far ahead and far in the past. That is also what caused my fear. Moving out was just a part of life we all will have to experience leaving something or losing something.But with loss comes gain. ALOT of stuff you learn in life will be based by how much we choose to change and try.
By moving out I learnt about how much I really didn't knwo who I was and I'm just starting to figure it out and it's great.
I can gome to chantelles after school and not have to worrie, to be scared of my dad. Although once I begain to make my dad fear me in a way I felt the need to change the situation. I wont ever forget who he is and what he has... or had. Power over me. He dosn't have it anymore but I wont ever forget when he did. Even now I don't want him to see me smoking in fear that he will use it against me to turn my faimly against me or hate what I've done. Because although are faimlys are all falling apart I wouldn't be able to be here without them on my side. I will allways fear dissapointment from others. But how can you be dissapointed in someone who dose as they wish?
Move out and learn what the most important things in life are for you. lol. Fuck having your parents tell you. It should be up to you what you wish to make of yourself. You might not be prepaired to take the chance but thats the point. You can't be ready for anyhting if you don't know what you want. So get out there and learn on your own. It can and will be hard but it will be your life so why not start early and enjoy it more.
Not to long ago I saw my dad drive by me while I was walking back to chantelles at like 4am he came up to me and asked how I was. I held a small conversation faked to be content and then gave him a hug and they drove off to Windsor. I noticed how far I was from the things I loved. My faimly and my "home". I left the foundation my parents laid out and left their guidlines that I followed all my life so things have changed. Well sorta I still smoke and drink and have but to my own exstent.
Fear is gone I have no fear of hiding things from my parents now I can just tll them the good things that happen in my life so I don't feel like I am lieing as much as before.
I used to feel the need to lie to my parents about how my day was to how I felt or what I thougt.. my opinions where barly spoken now I am currently around people who as as interested to listening to my opinions as I am theirs. Music is here. My mind is coming along for the ride this time cause I have the freedom to make choices and learn from them on my own instead of calling and asking for approval.
I could list all the dissadvantages of moving out but I'm to happy to at the momment. And right now I live by the momment so I make these momments count and now I can live them to their full exstent and enjoy them.
I am glad I know the people I do they thaught me so much about people in general and taught me how to deal with certain people. I have seen the nice side of people and the negative as we all may have at some point in life. aLot of people where nice enough to even invite me to stay at their place.
I'm learning who I am again. =] What I like what I don't like and in genral who the fuck I am. All the time living at home I was confused but now I can think for myself.
My past, Presnt and future are the only foggy things in life at the momment.The present is where I live and it is where I've been learning the most. The past is my guidline now and the future is where I am right now where I will be once I'm done this =P. Something I don't plan anymore.
The confusion I had alot, was based on thinking far ahead and far in the past. That is also what caused my fear. Moving out was just a part of life we all will have to experience leaving something or losing something.But with loss comes gain. ALOT of stuff you learn in life will be based by how much we choose to change and try.
By moving out I learnt about how much I really didn't knwo who I was and I'm just starting to figure it out and it's great.
I can gome to chantelles after school and not have to worrie, to be scared of my dad. Although once I begain to make my dad fear me in a way I felt the need to change the situation. I wont ever forget who he is and what he has... or had. Power over me. He dosn't have it anymore but I wont ever forget when he did. Even now I don't want him to see me smoking in fear that he will use it against me to turn my faimly against me or hate what I've done. Because although are faimlys are all falling apart I wouldn't be able to be here without them on my side. I will allways fear dissapointment from others. But how can you be dissapointed in someone who dose as they wish?
Move out and learn what the most important things in life are for you. lol. Fuck having your parents tell you. It should be up to you what you wish to make of yourself. You might not be prepaired to take the chance but thats the point. You can't be ready for anyhting if you don't know what you want. So get out there and learn on your own. It can and will be hard but it will be your life so why not start early and enjoy it more.