Dazed and confused
Where have you been? I couldn't find you these last few months. I saw glimpse of you sometimes on the street or in the hallway, you stop to say a few words but I could see the depression on your worn face. You were getting worse. The last we spoke was when I was off to one of my last tournaments for the season and you were returning your fencing gear. I don't know what to do, Hannah. "Look you need straighten out your life, and fencing should not be a priority. If you have to quit, then quit. This place isn't something you need to regret dropping, they're all douchebags." You're right, hey let's definitely snowboard this winter. I miss you. "I miss you too..."
I should have taken my hint when I saw Alex at a concert last weekend. I thought if anyone knew where you were, he would. He changed the subject and told me to enjoy the show. I didn't get it then. Now I do. How fucking selfish of you.
...
....
God dammit.
God dammit!
I'm so angry. I'm...HOW COULD YOU.
It's fucking bad enough you left me stranded but this? Was it that bad? I thought you were stronger than that. I knew you were sensitive, I knew your life sucked, but you were always so lazy. You wanted the easy way out. Well you got it, obviously. You left behind two letters, bought a ticket to San Francisco and got to spend a few hours in the state you talked about so much. I should have taken that as my first clue. I'm thinking about heading out to California for vacation, wanna go? "Nah I need to concentrate on some major studying." Guess you found your answer at the Golden Gate Bridge.
Not a fucking word to anyone. You already made your decision. My god how WEAK. This weakness disgusts but you're my friend. All we had was each other in fencing and then later it developed into just being close outside of fencing. I should have paid more attention to you once I started dating John. I thought...I thought...I didn't want to find out like this. I didn't want to find you...like this...The thought has crossed my mind, but...I...not you too. What a horrible phone call to get. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to cry at your funeral, I didn't get to find out where you are...What the fuck. I'm a week late to see you. I'm a week and a day late to save you.
God dammit, Haylina.
I can see you running around the track just a bit ahead of me. Your face looking back with total concentration, maybe you'll beat me today. I remember hugging you from behind and you freaking out. You never liked human contact. But for some reason...you must have enjoyed me enough to collapse into me.
Wild footsteps merged with the sound of laughter, these bittersweet thoughts echoed off the walls of the old building. The doors slowly cut off the ties that would fuel these last reminisces of you. The blue elevator shuddered as it made it's journey downward, the smile still going from the last pull of silliness. Eyes widen with a surprise of awkwardness, as she looked down she found her clawing at her back for support. Tears and saliva dampened her shirt as the girl screamed and wailed. Her arms struggled to keep her steady but they both ended up slamming against the wall and sliding down but the girl was unfazed through her tremblings. This was unlike her. She never truly expressed emotions. She never asked why. She just held her while running her hands through her hair. She didn't try to quiet her or tell her things to make her stop. This was raw emotion that needed to be let out, so she let her tear apart her eardrums. When the doors opened, she didn't stop. They sat there exposed to an empty basement, with only the sound of her depression echoing off the old plaster. I hate this world. "Don't believe everything that you see."
We went to fencing practice after that, as if nothing had happened. You were distant, more than usual but I could see the look of need when our eyes met. I wish I stayed. I wish I didn't go with John, you looked so alone. I remember this moment because this was the first time I knew...you weren't alright. And you were much more unstable than I thought. This made me afraid.
I was right to be.
I miss you.
I should have taken my hint when I saw Alex at a concert last weekend. I thought if anyone knew where you were, he would. He changed the subject and told me to enjoy the show. I didn't get it then. Now I do. How fucking selfish of you.
...
....
God dammit.
God dammit!
I'm so angry. I'm...HOW COULD YOU.
It's fucking bad enough you left me stranded but this? Was it that bad? I thought you were stronger than that. I knew you were sensitive, I knew your life sucked, but you were always so lazy. You wanted the easy way out. Well you got it, obviously. You left behind two letters, bought a ticket to San Francisco and got to spend a few hours in the state you talked about so much. I should have taken that as my first clue. I'm thinking about heading out to California for vacation, wanna go? "Nah I need to concentrate on some major studying." Guess you found your answer at the Golden Gate Bridge.
Not a fucking word to anyone. You already made your decision. My god how WEAK. This weakness disgusts but you're my friend. All we had was each other in fencing and then later it developed into just being close outside of fencing. I should have paid more attention to you once I started dating John. I thought...I thought...I didn't want to find out like this. I didn't want to find you...like this...The thought has crossed my mind, but...I...not you too. What a horrible phone call to get. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to cry at your funeral, I didn't get to find out where you are...What the fuck. I'm a week late to see you. I'm a week and a day late to save you.
God dammit, Haylina.
I can see you running around the track just a bit ahead of me. Your face looking back with total concentration, maybe you'll beat me today. I remember hugging you from behind and you freaking out. You never liked human contact. But for some reason...you must have enjoyed me enough to collapse into me.
Wild footsteps merged with the sound of laughter, these bittersweet thoughts echoed off the walls of the old building. The doors slowly cut off the ties that would fuel these last reminisces of you. The blue elevator shuddered as it made it's journey downward, the smile still going from the last pull of silliness. Eyes widen with a surprise of awkwardness, as she looked down she found her clawing at her back for support. Tears and saliva dampened her shirt as the girl screamed and wailed. Her arms struggled to keep her steady but they both ended up slamming against the wall and sliding down but the girl was unfazed through her tremblings. This was unlike her. She never truly expressed emotions. She never asked why. She just held her while running her hands through her hair. She didn't try to quiet her or tell her things to make her stop. This was raw emotion that needed to be let out, so she let her tear apart her eardrums. When the doors opened, she didn't stop. They sat there exposed to an empty basement, with only the sound of her depression echoing off the old plaster. I hate this world. "Don't believe everything that you see."
We went to fencing practice after that, as if nothing had happened. You were distant, more than usual but I could see the look of need when our eyes met. I wish I stayed. I wish I didn't go with John, you looked so alone. I remember this moment because this was the first time I knew...you weren't alright. And you were much more unstable than I thought. This made me afraid.
I was right to be.
I miss you.