(no subject)
my arm stings and hurts from what i just did. i never really thought about why i do that to myself. sometimes i have this need... and most of the time i stop myself. the need has come rarely in the past few months. sometimes i think i am past all of it. but it seems like after the first time, you can't stop. i never thought i would do it. i never actually thought about it. but then one night, i think i just did it because it was something new, and i was bored. one of the biggest scars i have is from the first time. i remember simon calling.. while i was just sitting there, looking at the blood i had drawn. i remember saying that i wasn't doing anything much, just wahing dishes.
i have done it 3 or 4 times because of him. i know it sounds stupid when i say "because of him." but when i feel a certain because of someone, nothing else really matters, except taking that out on myself somehow.. whether it be drinking or not eating, or using something sharp on my skin. the mind is a powerful thing. maybe its some kind of protective mechanism.. to make people turn upon themselves, rather than doing damage to the people around them. i wonder, how can the mind take advantage of me that way. how does it alter the chemicals in my brain.. to make me think that i am always the one to blame? how does it re-wire all the feelings of happiness into sad ones?
why does it do that? this thought takes me back to my childhood, and that isn't usually a positive place to go, ever. my mom said over the weekend "i wasn't a good mom when you were young... and i am trying to make it up to you now." i have so much emotional stuff in relation to this issue. i think that when i was young, my mom was really depressed. actually i know that she was. as a child i picked all that sadness up from her in non-verbal ways. when someone is always feeling a certain way, the chemicals that make someone feel that way begin to be made more often, because they system is being reprogramed. i was programmed really early the way that my mom felt i think.
it makes me really upset when i think about it. because i think back and have this image of my mother lying on the couch, all day, and me playing near her. i know i wanted her to get up. i wanted her to be happy and play with me. but she never did. not for months. i look back and wish i could have done something to make her happy. i wish that more than anything in the whole world.
for my mother to have been happier with her life.
but since thats in the past, what i can wish for now is for her to be happy with what her life these days. i hope that she has found the happiest years of her life, and that they are with her for the rest of her life.
i have done it 3 or 4 times because of him. i know it sounds stupid when i say "because of him." but when i feel a certain because of someone, nothing else really matters, except taking that out on myself somehow.. whether it be drinking or not eating, or using something sharp on my skin. the mind is a powerful thing. maybe its some kind of protective mechanism.. to make people turn upon themselves, rather than doing damage to the people around them. i wonder, how can the mind take advantage of me that way. how does it alter the chemicals in my brain.. to make me think that i am always the one to blame? how does it re-wire all the feelings of happiness into sad ones?
why does it do that? this thought takes me back to my childhood, and that isn't usually a positive place to go, ever. my mom said over the weekend "i wasn't a good mom when you were young... and i am trying to make it up to you now." i have so much emotional stuff in relation to this issue. i think that when i was young, my mom was really depressed. actually i know that she was. as a child i picked all that sadness up from her in non-verbal ways. when someone is always feeling a certain way, the chemicals that make someone feel that way begin to be made more often, because they system is being reprogramed. i was programmed really early the way that my mom felt i think.
it makes me really upset when i think about it. because i think back and have this image of my mother lying on the couch, all day, and me playing near her. i know i wanted her to get up. i wanted her to be happy and play with me. but she never did. not for months. i look back and wish i could have done something to make her happy. i wish that more than anything in the whole world.
for my mother to have been happier with her life.
but since thats in the past, what i can wish for now is for her to be happy with what her life these days. i hope that she has found the happiest years of her life, and that they are with her for the rest of her life.