Moving on, or backwards?
This year seems like a good year to mend all of the things that tore away at me for many years now.
It seems like there were a lot of things in my life that ended abruptly because my parents always packed their bags and moved from one place to another. I started mending the pieces back in December by visiting my family in Pakistan for the first time in 8 years.
It was one hell of an experience, and something that lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. For years I regretted not having anyone but my immediately family, and never seeing my grandma (who basically raised me) for so many years. I would have nightmares about it all the time, and it felt like my life back then just kept coming back to haunt me. So I decided one day last year that I was going to pack my bags up and just go back to visit, despite my mom hating me for it at the time, despite going through the trouble of immigration, and whatever dumb excuse I could have come up with. I just said fuck it and went with my brother. That's a story for another time, but we went through a lot of hell to get there and back. The thought of my 94 year old grandma seeing us as adults, with maybe only a few years left to live? It was priceless. And I'd do it all over again.
That's one weight that I've had on my shoulders since I moved to America, and now I feel like I can rest now. I've seen them, they've seen me. We can all have a peace of mind.
Now, another thing that really hurt me emotionally in the past is having to move from Florida to California. It was right in the middle of me being with groups of friends that I enjoyed being with, and getting comfortable in my own skin, making an identity for myself. Then my family fucked off to California and I was completely alone. My first day of sophomore year was fucking terrifying. Everyone knew each other. I didn't know a single person in that school of 6000 people.
I don't think I ever completely let go of my life in Pensacola/Pace.
There have been so many nights where I sat down, listened to old music that my friends and I used to listen to, and just kept thinking back to how things were. Thinking of how their lives are all flourishing, moving on, and I'm still here hung up on the past. All of it is documented on this journal, too. It's crazy how long I've had this thing.
But, anyway, just like I visited Pakistan after so many god damn years. I'm thinking about doing the same thing this summer with Pensacola. I hope it gives me a peace of mind too. And I haven't been back there for 7 years now. It's about time I go see it for myself with who I am now. It'll be good for me.
This year really feels like the start of a new stage in life for me. I can accept what happened in the past, and just enjoy it for what it was.
It seems like there were a lot of things in my life that ended abruptly because my parents always packed their bags and moved from one place to another. I started mending the pieces back in December by visiting my family in Pakistan for the first time in 8 years.
It was one hell of an experience, and something that lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. For years I regretted not having anyone but my immediately family, and never seeing my grandma (who basically raised me) for so many years. I would have nightmares about it all the time, and it felt like my life back then just kept coming back to haunt me. So I decided one day last year that I was going to pack my bags up and just go back to visit, despite my mom hating me for it at the time, despite going through the trouble of immigration, and whatever dumb excuse I could have come up with. I just said fuck it and went with my brother. That's a story for another time, but we went through a lot of hell to get there and back. The thought of my 94 year old grandma seeing us as adults, with maybe only a few years left to live? It was priceless. And I'd do it all over again.
That's one weight that I've had on my shoulders since I moved to America, and now I feel like I can rest now. I've seen them, they've seen me. We can all have a peace of mind.
Now, another thing that really hurt me emotionally in the past is having to move from Florida to California. It was right in the middle of me being with groups of friends that I enjoyed being with, and getting comfortable in my own skin, making an identity for myself. Then my family fucked off to California and I was completely alone. My first day of sophomore year was fucking terrifying. Everyone knew each other. I didn't know a single person in that school of 6000 people.
I don't think I ever completely let go of my life in Pensacola/Pace.
There have been so many nights where I sat down, listened to old music that my friends and I used to listen to, and just kept thinking back to how things were. Thinking of how their lives are all flourishing, moving on, and I'm still here hung up on the past. All of it is documented on this journal, too. It's crazy how long I've had this thing.
But, anyway, just like I visited Pakistan after so many god damn years. I'm thinking about doing the same thing this summer with Pensacola. I hope it gives me a peace of mind too. And I haven't been back there for 7 years now. It's about time I go see it for myself with who I am now. It'll be good for me.
This year really feels like the start of a new stage in life for me. I can accept what happened in the past, and just enjoy it for what it was.