Drivel from my stream of consciousness
I think my house makes me lazy.
I think it's most likely my laptop in combination with my couch. I just sit down, and then suddenly I am unable to do anything but consume random stuff. Nothing in particular. Just whatever comes in the twitter, email, facebook, g+, lj, reader cycle of death. There's very little thought that goes into that. It's a habit. A convenient habit.
I enjoy it though. But like consuming so much fried chicken, you know you'll regret it later, and by knowing that, you start regretting it while you enjoy it.
Today, for example. I have the day off. It's a beautiful sunny day. It's been that way since about 7:30. I know this because I was awake then, though still groggy. So I eased my way awake by checking out my webcomics (who are written& drawn by amazing talented people), and reader, and twitter, and g+ etc. etc.
But then I'm trapped. I can see it's a nice day out, and I thought to myself "It's 9am I should go rock climbing before the afternoon", but then it's now, there's still more to read. Then that runs out. And my brain can't process what to do after that.
while (!contentStream.isEmpty()) {
brain.consume(contentStream.next());
}
The point after the while loop is undefined. It jumps to an invalid address, an unwritten memory location, where the instructions are just garbage, and the resulting execution is a series of no-ops for a lack of anything to do. I guess it's better than a system crash, but wouldn't an exception with a nicely specified handler be nicer?
And then when I do manage to pull myself up and out of the pit, fold laundry, clean the house, I start thinking of things like this, that never really stick to my mind long enough to put accurately to paper. I don't have the presence of mind to record it, and my recollection of it when I can aren't as good as the idea's inception. I guess I could try recording these thoughts, but attempting to vocalize them pushes their forms out of my mind, or twists them into incomplete stubs, their direction unclear.
I suppose I'm tired of not really having any hobbies, or projects that I just jump to,and that no matter what, I'll have the energy to do it because the act of making itself is energizing. Learning new things and breaking ideas apart has it's energy, like splitting a very heavy atom into smaller ones, nuclear fission. But making is like fusion, much more powerful, bringing something new, that is precisely the sum of it's parts but provides more to do besides.
Part of me wishes I didn't have this load of free time, that I always have something to be doing, that I enjoy doing, that others enjoy doing with me, or being around me while I'm doing them. I know it's in me. I have ideas when I'm prevented from executing them, but they vanish an instant as I'm able to execute. The environment, the context of my space is broken. It relaxes me, and prevents me from creating, executing. It's a welcoming comfortable black hole of creativity, optimized for consumption.
There is a place for that of course. Once can't always be go go go, make make make, do do do. A place to relax is important. But so is a place to create. I don't think I have that here. Not yet. It can be done. I just need to figure it out and do it.
For a moment, I wondered if I was out of steam. That the stream died because the boulder of apathy nestled itself in it's spring. It happend there again, jut now, a brief instant, where I couldn't think of what I was writing, what I wanted to write. I have lost that idea. It may be gone for good.
Maybe I should make my home desk be at standing height? And move it to a window or something? I like sunlight light when I work. But then I wouldn't have such a good place for my book shelf. Maybe I should put my bean bag and shelf into my bedroom, that way I'm using that space. But then my den would be vacant, and that's also no good. Maybe I should keep the computer where it is, and get a nice desk to put in the corner of the bedroom. Make it a work space, no computers, as I don't want their electric hum, in my place of rest.
I need to get frames for my posters. Maybe properly framing my apartments decor will help me frame my insecurities and laziness. A bounding box, so I can more easily determine collisions, and avoid faling into their self defeating vector fields.
I want to write more. I was to write more creatively. I want to more easily have ideas flow forth, and have them be properly communicated. It's this strange thing. I don't really get writers block, but it's not really writers block if I don't have a particular project that I'm blocked on. I want to code more creatively. Try things, and be able to say "yeah, I've done that once" to have something to point at and say "I'm awesome, because I made this. This thing is mine." Programming is fun like that. as well. Ultimate power, if you know the write incantations. We are wizards. Wizards of the ethereal, not the physical. Unlimited power, in this space. Purely virtual. In it's nice little box.
I want to start a project, and write about, it. I should do this. I should do this more. Describe what I'm working on, ignore the naysayers, the put downers, the ones who don't get the joy of doing something because I just want to do it, not because it's never been done, but because I've never done it, and I want to do it.
I think that's all I've got for now, I'm going to go climb.
I think it's most likely my laptop in combination with my couch. I just sit down, and then suddenly I am unable to do anything but consume random stuff. Nothing in particular. Just whatever comes in the twitter, email, facebook, g+, lj, reader cycle of death. There's very little thought that goes into that. It's a habit. A convenient habit.
I enjoy it though. But like consuming so much fried chicken, you know you'll regret it later, and by knowing that, you start regretting it while you enjoy it.
Today, for example. I have the day off. It's a beautiful sunny day. It's been that way since about 7:30. I know this because I was awake then, though still groggy. So I eased my way awake by checking out my webcomics (who are written& drawn by amazing talented people), and reader, and twitter, and g+ etc. etc.
But then I'm trapped. I can see it's a nice day out, and I thought to myself "It's 9am I should go rock climbing before the afternoon", but then it's now, there's still more to read. Then that runs out. And my brain can't process what to do after that.
while (!contentStream.isEmpty()) {
brain.consume(contentStream.next());
}
The point after the while loop is undefined. It jumps to an invalid address, an unwritten memory location, where the instructions are just garbage, and the resulting execution is a series of no-ops for a lack of anything to do. I guess it's better than a system crash, but wouldn't an exception with a nicely specified handler be nicer?
And then when I do manage to pull myself up and out of the pit, fold laundry, clean the house, I start thinking of things like this, that never really stick to my mind long enough to put accurately to paper. I don't have the presence of mind to record it, and my recollection of it when I can aren't as good as the idea's inception. I guess I could try recording these thoughts, but attempting to vocalize them pushes their forms out of my mind, or twists them into incomplete stubs, their direction unclear.
I suppose I'm tired of not really having any hobbies, or projects that I just jump to,and that no matter what, I'll have the energy to do it because the act of making itself is energizing. Learning new things and breaking ideas apart has it's energy, like splitting a very heavy atom into smaller ones, nuclear fission. But making is like fusion, much more powerful, bringing something new, that is precisely the sum of it's parts but provides more to do besides.
Part of me wishes I didn't have this load of free time, that I always have something to be doing, that I enjoy doing, that others enjoy doing with me, or being around me while I'm doing them. I know it's in me. I have ideas when I'm prevented from executing them, but they vanish an instant as I'm able to execute. The environment, the context of my space is broken. It relaxes me, and prevents me from creating, executing. It's a welcoming comfortable black hole of creativity, optimized for consumption.
There is a place for that of course. Once can't always be go go go, make make make, do do do. A place to relax is important. But so is a place to create. I don't think I have that here. Not yet. It can be done. I just need to figure it out and do it.
For a moment, I wondered if I was out of steam. That the stream died because the boulder of apathy nestled itself in it's spring. It happend there again, jut now, a brief instant, where I couldn't think of what I was writing, what I wanted to write. I have lost that idea. It may be gone for good.
Maybe I should make my home desk be at standing height? And move it to a window or something? I like sunlight light when I work. But then I wouldn't have such a good place for my book shelf. Maybe I should put my bean bag and shelf into my bedroom, that way I'm using that space. But then my den would be vacant, and that's also no good. Maybe I should keep the computer where it is, and get a nice desk to put in the corner of the bedroom. Make it a work space, no computers, as I don't want their electric hum, in my place of rest.
I need to get frames for my posters. Maybe properly framing my apartments decor will help me frame my insecurities and laziness. A bounding box, so I can more easily determine collisions, and avoid faling into their self defeating vector fields.
I want to write more. I was to write more creatively. I want to more easily have ideas flow forth, and have them be properly communicated. It's this strange thing. I don't really get writers block, but it's not really writers block if I don't have a particular project that I'm blocked on. I want to code more creatively. Try things, and be able to say "yeah, I've done that once" to have something to point at and say "I'm awesome, because I made this. This thing is mine." Programming is fun like that. as well. Ultimate power, if you know the write incantations. We are wizards. Wizards of the ethereal, not the physical. Unlimited power, in this space. Purely virtual. In it's nice little box.
I want to start a project, and write about, it. I should do this. I should do this more. Describe what I'm working on, ignore the naysayers, the put downers, the ones who don't get the joy of doing something because I just want to do it, not because it's never been done, but because I've never done it, and I want to do it.
I think that's all I've got for now, I'm going to go climb.