I'm Full of Hate
The side of me I've been wanting to show. You'll get interested and think "wow." Trust me.
Back from SF again. A lot in my head. I have come to the conclusion that I am insane (really) and I need help (really). I am "clean" as in I haven't had sex, drank, done drugs, smoked or any of that. Instead, I have mental breakdowns which are starting to get worse and become constant. And why is this? Because I am not satisfied with my life meaning I HATE it. I know I should be thankful and all, but no. I'm not gonna feel sorry for anybody anymore. I want to feel what I really feel. I'm just sick of everything. Everything is fake. You're fake. I realized that I've been thinking about death even more...constantly. Why haven't I done it? Because I'm scared. Yeah, I'll admit it. Why hold back? I just wish you could die in like an easy way you know? I think that if I had good views of my family, maybe even my friends, I would be ok. But guess what. I don't like my family. I don't like me. I don't like the school I go to. I don't like where I live. Name what I have, I don't like it. I don't like anything. Fuck the whole "you should be appreciative of that". I want my life to be over with so that I won't have to deal with anything anymore, epecially me. Let me be gone. I feel like I have no purpose in this world. What's there to go for? Forget it all. Everything IS fake. Cleveland is stupid now. I only went there because stupid private school is expensive. I'm starting to think it would've been worth it. Private school can be stupid, but public school is so not me. I don't like it. But I have no choice. I don't like the majority of the type of people in public school. It's so ghetto. The atmosphere. Sick. The teachers are so lame compared to Catholic school ones. Public school is just NOT logic at all to me. Besides that is peer pressure. I've been wondering "In order to fit in with my older cousins, do I have to do drugs and smoke and drink and shit?" I've answered no because that's not me. Maybe that's why I'm angry at my cousins. Because they do stupid shit. I'm the one who cares but feels like I am not cared. Guess that's why I gave up. So I kept repeating to myself that I would trade my family for death. I'm tired of it all. It brings me drama and stress. You know how many times I've wished for my dad to die? And my grandma? I'm like a killer. A hater. It's because I HATE everything. I want to kill myself. I don't go out with friends anymore. I don't do shit. I'm just stuck in my own little world lost. I have nothing better to do but cry ... because I don't have what it takes to kill myself. I want to just give everything I have away and die and pretend that I never lived. Just when I thought my life was perfect, it's not. I'm thinking even though I had a big huge house and nice cars, I wouldn't be okay because my family would be the same. There are things about them that bring me down. I'm becoming more anti-social and want to be left alone 24/7. I have no life. I just want to get away already. Just like my mom said, "I wish I can just close my eyes and wish that none of this is happening". You guys don't know the way I live. It's hard. I feel overprotected. It was hard to always beg to go out with friends, so I stopped. I haven't gone out in years. I like...can't do anything so why try. I want to get out of this house. Run away far without anyone knowing. Fly away. I want to just get away from it all. But to make me want to live again, there would have to be major changes. Everything is hard for me. I don't think I can handle school being like this. I want to just drop out. Core is too much for me. Takes up my day. My PE teacher is pyscho. I do what she asks me to do and still I get in trouble. Thats the class where I got in trouble a lot. See, stupid public school has stupid public school teachers. I just want to make my life better - the way I want to live it. If only a miracle that would change my life would happen. I'm tired of it all. - Everything is fake. You are fake. - I let the new me out. I full of negative things. I'm full of hate. I want to kill. There's the idea of death. Not satisfied. Stressed. Angry. Tired. Full of shit. I don't want to do anything anymoe. Everything is stupid. If at least my whole family changed and the way I lived changed, I would be on the way to recovery. But...no hopes high there cause yeah. Ok, nothing much more to say. Stupid lame ass world. Life is nothing anymore, and probably never was.
( If you wanted to post something, just email me at CHEWingCHOWisFUN@aol.com. Thanks. )
Back from SF again. A lot in my head. I have come to the conclusion that I am insane (really) and I need help (really). I am "clean" as in I haven't had sex, drank, done drugs, smoked or any of that. Instead, I have mental breakdowns which are starting to get worse and become constant. And why is this? Because I am not satisfied with my life meaning I HATE it. I know I should be thankful and all, but no. I'm not gonna feel sorry for anybody anymore. I want to feel what I really feel. I'm just sick of everything. Everything is fake. You're fake. I realized that I've been thinking about death even more...constantly. Why haven't I done it? Because I'm scared. Yeah, I'll admit it. Why hold back? I just wish you could die in like an easy way you know? I think that if I had good views of my family, maybe even my friends, I would be ok. But guess what. I don't like my family. I don't like me. I don't like the school I go to. I don't like where I live. Name what I have, I don't like it. I don't like anything. Fuck the whole "you should be appreciative of that". I want my life to be over with so that I won't have to deal with anything anymore, epecially me. Let me be gone. I feel like I have no purpose in this world. What's there to go for? Forget it all. Everything IS fake. Cleveland is stupid now. I only went there because stupid private school is expensive. I'm starting to think it would've been worth it. Private school can be stupid, but public school is so not me. I don't like it. But I have no choice. I don't like the majority of the type of people in public school. It's so ghetto. The atmosphere. Sick. The teachers are so lame compared to Catholic school ones. Public school is just NOT logic at all to me. Besides that is peer pressure. I've been wondering "In order to fit in with my older cousins, do I have to do drugs and smoke and drink and shit?" I've answered no because that's not me. Maybe that's why I'm angry at my cousins. Because they do stupid shit. I'm the one who cares but feels like I am not cared. Guess that's why I gave up. So I kept repeating to myself that I would trade my family for death. I'm tired of it all. It brings me drama and stress. You know how many times I've wished for my dad to die? And my grandma? I'm like a killer. A hater. It's because I HATE everything. I want to kill myself. I don't go out with friends anymore. I don't do shit. I'm just stuck in my own little world lost. I have nothing better to do but cry ... because I don't have what it takes to kill myself. I want to just give everything I have away and die and pretend that I never lived. Just when I thought my life was perfect, it's not. I'm thinking even though I had a big huge house and nice cars, I wouldn't be okay because my family would be the same. There are things about them that bring me down. I'm becoming more anti-social and want to be left alone 24/7. I have no life. I just want to get away already. Just like my mom said, "I wish I can just close my eyes and wish that none of this is happening". You guys don't know the way I live. It's hard. I feel overprotected. It was hard to always beg to go out with friends, so I stopped. I haven't gone out in years. I like...can't do anything so why try. I want to get out of this house. Run away far without anyone knowing. Fly away. I want to just get away from it all. But to make me want to live again, there would have to be major changes. Everything is hard for me. I don't think I can handle school being like this. I want to just drop out. Core is too much for me. Takes up my day. My PE teacher is pyscho. I do what she asks me to do and still I get in trouble. Thats the class where I got in trouble a lot. See, stupid public school has stupid public school teachers. I just want to make my life better - the way I want to live it. If only a miracle that would change my life would happen. I'm tired of it all. - Everything is fake. You are fake. - I let the new me out. I full of negative things. I'm full of hate. I want to kill. There's the idea of death. Not satisfied. Stressed. Angry. Tired. Full of shit. I don't want to do anything anymoe. Everything is stupid. If at least my whole family changed and the way I lived changed, I would be on the way to recovery. But...no hopes high there cause yeah. Ok, nothing much more to say. Stupid lame ass world. Life is nothing anymore, and probably never was.
( If you wanted to post something, just email me at CHEWingCHOWisFUN@aol.com. Thanks. )