Texas, Day 7
I've spent the majority of my time thinking while being outwardly occupied. I think, in a lot of ways, this trip has been very good for me, if nothing else because it has forced me to think about what I want, and why I want it.
I have essentially chosen this time to reflect on my life, comparing it to what it was as well as seeing it's foil in this place and these people with whom I have spent the week.
I have a multitude of options on my plate right now (or, rather, on my a plate waiting for me in Oregon). It is up to me to figure out what to do with said options. I feel at a crossroads. For the first time, I feel that this crossroads is my own, really and honestly my own. I feel no pressure to choose one way or the other, only a space in which my choices will be supported. I appreciate that. I also feel lost. I am not used to being given the freedom to choose for myself. I have made so many decisions based on the needs and wants of others (I'm working on not doing that so much anymore), so this feels like a new experience. I have no one pushing me, but that also means I must internalize that I have no one to blame. The weight is all on me. It is my responsibility, it is my life.
Strange how freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. No, not strange really. True. Once one is free, one is responsible for what one does with that freedom. Yet, the weight of this freedom is far less than the weight I used to feel forced upon my by others and outside factors. And I like it.
"Je suis comme je suis, je suis faite comme ca" That used to be my battle cry, a way to fight back against the pressure, grasp at my autonomy. Now it is a comfort, and a kind of duty. It reminds me that whatever I do, I must do it for myself.
I have essentially chosen this time to reflect on my life, comparing it to what it was as well as seeing it's foil in this place and these people with whom I have spent the week.
I have a multitude of options on my plate right now (or, rather, on my a plate waiting for me in Oregon). It is up to me to figure out what to do with said options. I feel at a crossroads. For the first time, I feel that this crossroads is my own, really and honestly my own. I feel no pressure to choose one way or the other, only a space in which my choices will be supported. I appreciate that. I also feel lost. I am not used to being given the freedom to choose for myself. I have made so many decisions based on the needs and wants of others (I'm working on not doing that so much anymore), so this feels like a new experience. I have no one pushing me, but that also means I must internalize that I have no one to blame. The weight is all on me. It is my responsibility, it is my life.
Strange how freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. No, not strange really. True. Once one is free, one is responsible for what one does with that freedom. Yet, the weight of this freedom is far less than the weight I used to feel forced upon my by others and outside factors. And I like it.
"Je suis comme je suis, je suis faite comme ca" That used to be my battle cry, a way to fight back against the pressure, grasp at my autonomy. Now it is a comfort, and a kind of duty. It reminds me that whatever I do, I must do it for myself.