...who.am.I.anymore...
As i sit in my cold dark room, i cant help but think of who i've become?.. i sit here and tell myself i'm happy and tell myself i'm fine... when i know what the truth is. its weird to compare my worries from a year ago to my worries now. if they were written out you'd prolly think they were two differnt people. i'm not to sure if its a good thing but i've grown up so much this past year.
i dunno what to feel about anything, but the thing i'm most confused about is him, he was my first everything. i cant explain to anyone how much i love him and how much i miss him. i know he's moved on to bigger and better things and is very happy. and i dont want anything more than for him to be happy. but i dunno i guess where i get confused/hurt is when we talk, things are good...really good and things just click again. like i dunno how to explain it, its kinda like all the bullshit/drama is dropped and i feel like i could talk to him for hours upon hours like we use to. about anything. (here comes the bad part)... it always has to end.. and i know that what he has told me isnt true. i know he'll go and kiss her again no matter what he has told me about his feelings. i know what is said behind my back and what he tells me to my face is two different things. and i'm fine with that.. kinda pathetic huh? i just want to keep him in my life somehow.. is that to much to ask?... i've fucked up plenty of times and i regret every single time i've fucked up w/ you.. but i gotta just understand its what i did and i cant take that back now.... i'm sorry
another thing that has been on my mind alot lately is my bestfriend sami. i love this girl to death. and lately all i've done with her is fuck up. it seems all my worries are about where/how am i gonna get my next fix. thats not me.. gosh i mean FUCK! i'm fuckin talkin about the same girl that a lil over a year ago wouldnt of even liked a guy that smoked. i love samantha jo sanders, she is the most beautiful girl inside and out. i know i've hurt u to sami but i'm trying now.. it may be to late i'm sorry... i love u... and dont worry i'm gonna get through my problem...
its lonely now, the past i dunno 3 weeks i've had a room mate! yea its been fun. i miss justin. i'm glad he's at home and gettin to talk to nicole everyday. i can say that justin has saved my life. i love this guy so much.
in this world theres very few things that i love. i know everyone uses and abuses this word. even i do. but what i've discovered of myself when i get scared in a situation with someone that i love and i'm worried i may hurt them, i will push them away. which hurts them too but i just cant help myself. i feel as if like they are better than me so they need to not be around me so that the goodness can be shown.
i dont know what else i can say..
ann marie- dont be threaten by what i USE to have.. you obviously have him more than i do. sorry u and your friends dis-like me so much.....
right now in my life i'm trying to make a lot of things right. i've started over with school. and now i'm trying to start over with friends and enemies.