I watched, my face blank, as Wesley ranted. I... fuck. That was the only word coming to mind.
"I... I was seeing Connor as food." I said numbly. I had been... even... down there, I had... seen Connor, dead at my hands, my lips stained with his blood.
"They'd spiked my blood with his blood," I said carefully. He'd turned the engine up, but it still wasn't very loud; I knew he could hear me. "I... we didn't know until earlier that day."
Then, when he didn't reply, I added, "You want to know why we assumed about you? There was nothing to say how hard you'd tried, nothing to say you hadn't just taken it at face value." I stopped to regain a little strength. I still wasn't that strong, and the scent of Wesley's blood was teasing me.
Before I lapsed into silence, I said firmly, "And if I'd really wanted you dead, do you really think Gunn and the other guys could have pulled me off? So yeah, threatened."
I'd been pissed off at the time; maybe I still was. My emotions were still all undercover, so I was... pretty much just poking at this as an outsider, seeing what I thought. Meanwhile, I was amazed at how much Wesley had changed. I wondered how much of it was for the worse.
"Like I said. It's nice to know that you all assumed. It makes me wonder what you all thought of me al those years," I grumbled. Sodding git, giving him his righteous act. That one doesn't work with my anymore, not after what he tried to do. Not after everything that happened.
I glare at him over my shoulder, while I crank up the engine another notch. "I just want to make certain Connor gets his father back. His real father. And make no mistake, Angel. For Connor Holtz is his father." Tensing my yaw, I turn around again and look out over the ocean. That's all I have to say about this. And I really wished I could tell him I don't hate him. But too much has happened. Resent him, yes, but hate? no.
Following his gaze out across the ocean, I froze and shuddered. I doubted I ever be able to look at it the same again, and no wonder.
"We thought you were someone we could always trust. Then... you couldn't even tell us about that prophecy?" I asked. That had probably hurt the most of all. We had all trusted Wesley; he had been our friend, our boss... part of the family. Then he couldn't even tell us, Hell, even me, that I was supposed to kill my damn son? He couldn't tell me, instead had to go and steal him, not trusting me?
"And you're going to return Holtz to Connor?" I asked, confused. My head wasn't completely clear yet, and... he had said he was going to return Connor's father to him... what?
I glanced up at Wesley at the front of the boat, before looking back at my hands. Cold again, I hauled the blankets closer around me; we were still a ways out from shore- Connor and Justine had wanted to make sure there was no chance anyone would find me.
But then, Connor hadn't known Wes.
When I got back to the hotel, I was going to have to have a talk with Connor; whether or not he hated me... no, wait, that did give him a reason to do that. On one hand, I was pissed at him, but on the other, I still loved him. How could I not?
"You're sure the others are okay?" I asked, to fill the silence.
"Who was I supposed to tell, Angel. Cordelia was away on vacation. Fred and Gunn were all wrapped up in each other. They were all so goddamn happy." While I was alone and non of them noticed me staying up all night for days on end. "And you were acting strange. But it doesn't matter now. I've learned my lesson." Don't let anyone close ever again. They'll only hurt you in the end. Sooner or later.
I roll my eyes toward the ceiling at the Holtz remark. He can't let that one rest. "He's dead," I say gruffly. We both know that. Idiot. "The others are fine." And so am I, thanks for asking. I watch as the lights of the harbor come closer. Thank god, I can't wait for this to be over. I've done my job, I don't owe them anything anymore.
"And you disn't think that this was more important than everyone being happy?" I asked. "Wes, you could have told us. You were locked away in that office, and no one knew why you avoiding the rest of us." and I had been too wrapped up in my son to ask why. The thought had come to me, but then... something else had always come up.
Then, I asked carefully, "What was the lesson?" I chanced a glance out at the waves, slightly surprised when the motion didn't make me dizzy this time. Instead, it kinda of soothed me, kept me from getting angry. I... couldn't feel any emotions just yet; still working on it.
"How long was I down there?" I asked suddenly, worried. There was no way to tell the passage of time under the water. He didn't seem too much older, but then... you never knew. Connor had put me down there with the hope I would never be able to get back, but... this. Unexpected. And I still didn't know what he thought he owed me.
"It's over and done with, Angel. I've learned my lesson." Trust no one but yourself, everyone will let you down eventually. I steered the boat into the harbor and into the small docking bay. "The lesson?" I ask. I sniff and shake my head.
"It's better to be on your own. No one can hurt you that way. You know?" I look up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "You may have had a point when you fired us al those years ago." I look back at him and snort.
Shutting off the engine I look out over the harbor. "You've been down there at least a month or two possibly. I don't know for certain. I'm sure Connor can tell you." Provided he will. Luckily I've parked my car nearby the boat. "Can you walk or do you need help getting to the car?" Drop him off at the Hyperion and get the hell out. Dues paid.
I had no answer for him as to that. Wasn't sure I wanted to answer. In a way, he was still blaming me for what had happened back then. I shook myself; that was past.
"I didn't have a point, and you know it," I finally said stiffly. "No one needs to be alone." Then, I slowly pushed myself to my feet as the boat touched land. My stance wavered, but I forced myself upright.
"Connor and I are going to be having a little talk," I said as I began to walk slowly toward the door. "I'm sure that'll come up somewhere in there." Along with a few... other subjects.
Like why we don't throw people in the ocean.
"I can walk." I said. The sooner I got back to the hotel, the better. I needed to make sure the thers were okay, in addition to having that 'little talk' with Connor. Somehow, I didn't think the talk would be about the birds and the bees, or whatever the hell people called them these days.
Holding my hands up I shrug at him. Fine walk on your own then. Don't expect me to come pick you up again when you fall on your face. I hover behind him as he makes his way of the boat. I know he's not actually strong enough to walk but whatever he wants right? I try to pull the sleeve of my sweater over the bandage but have to stop when it doesn't fit.
I raise my eyebrow as he mumbles about having a little talk with Connor. I certainly hope he will. Pity I won't be around for that. Opening the car I help him inside, apparently that's an automatic thing, helping him. I really ought to stop that. I jog to the drivers side and start the engine.
Next stop, the Hyperion. Hand over Angel to whomever the hell is there and get out again.
"I... I was seeing Connor as food." I said numbly. I had been... even... down there, I had... seen Connor, dead at my hands, my lips stained with his blood.
"They'd spiked my blood with his blood," I said carefully. He'd turned the engine up, but it still wasn't very loud; I knew he could hear me. "I... we didn't know until earlier that day."
Then, when he didn't reply, I added, "You want to know why we assumed about you? There was nothing to say how hard you'd tried, nothing to say you hadn't just taken it at face value." I stopped to regain a little strength. I still wasn't that strong, and the scent of Wesley's blood was teasing me.
Before I lapsed into silence, I said firmly, "And if I'd really wanted you dead, do you really think Gunn and the other guys could have pulled me off? So yeah, threatened."
I'd been pissed off at the time; maybe I still was. My emotions were still all undercover, so I was... pretty much just poking at this as an outsider, seeing what I thought. Meanwhile, I was amazed at how much Wesley had changed. I wondered how much of it was for the worse.
And how much of it was my fault.
Probably all of it.
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I glare at him over my shoulder, while I crank up the engine another notch. "I just want to make certain Connor gets his father back. His real father. And make no mistake, Angel. For Connor Holtz is his father." Tensing my yaw, I turn around again and look out over the ocean. That's all I have to say about this. And I really wished I could tell him I don't hate him. But too much has happened. Resent him, yes, but hate? no.
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"We thought you were someone we could always trust. Then... you couldn't even tell us about that prophecy?" I asked. That had probably hurt the most of all. We had all trusted Wesley; he had been our friend, our boss... part of the family. Then he couldn't even tell us, Hell, even me, that I was supposed to kill my damn son? He couldn't tell me, instead had to go and steal him, not trusting me?
"And you're going to return Holtz to Connor?" I asked, confused. My head wasn't completely clear yet, and... he had said he was going to return Connor's father to him... what?
I glanced up at Wesley at the front of the boat, before looking back at my hands. Cold again, I hauled the blankets closer around me; we were still a ways out from shore- Connor and Justine had wanted to make sure there was no chance anyone would find me.
But then, Connor hadn't known Wes.
When I got back to the hotel, I was going to have to have a talk with Connor; whether or not he hated me... no, wait, that did give him a reason to do that. On one hand, I was pissed at him, but on the other, I still loved him. How could I not?
"You're sure the others are okay?" I asked, to fill the silence.
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I roll my eyes toward the ceiling at the Holtz remark. He can't let that one rest. "He's dead," I say gruffly. We both know that. Idiot. "The others are fine." And so am I, thanks for asking. I watch as the lights of the harbor come closer. Thank god, I can't wait for this to be over. I've done my job, I don't owe them anything anymore.
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Then, I asked carefully, "What was the lesson?" I chanced a glance out at the waves, slightly surprised when the motion didn't make me dizzy this time. Instead, it kinda of soothed me, kept me from getting angry. I... couldn't feel any emotions just yet; still working on it.
"How long was I down there?" I asked suddenly, worried. There was no way to tell the passage of time under the water. He didn't seem too much older, but then... you never knew. Connor had put me down there with the hope I would never be able to get back, but... this. Unexpected. And I still didn't know what he thought he owed me.
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"It's better to be on your own. No one can hurt you that way. You know?" I look up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "You may have had a point when you fired us al those years ago." I look back at him and snort.
Shutting off the engine I look out over the harbor. "You've been down there at least a month or two possibly. I don't know for certain. I'm sure Connor can tell you." Provided he will. Luckily I've parked my car nearby the boat. "Can you walk or do you need help getting to the car?" Drop him off at the Hyperion and get the hell out. Dues paid.
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"I didn't have a point, and you know it," I finally said stiffly. "No one needs to be alone." Then, I slowly pushed myself to my feet as the boat touched land. My stance wavered, but I forced myself upright.
"Connor and I are going to be having a little talk," I said as I began to walk slowly toward the door. "I'm sure that'll come up somewhere in there." Along with a few... other subjects.
Like why we don't throw people in the ocean.
"I can walk." I said. The sooner I got back to the hotel, the better. I needed to make sure the thers were okay, in addition to having that 'little talk' with Connor. Somehow, I didn't think the talk would be about the birds and the bees, or whatever the hell people called them these days.
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I raise my eyebrow as he mumbles about having a little talk with Connor. I certainly hope he will. Pity I won't be around for that. Opening the car I help him inside, apparently that's an automatic thing, helping him. I really ought to stop that. I jog to the drivers side and start the engine.
Next stop, the Hyperion. Hand over Angel to whomever the hell is there and get out again.
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