Oh, damn. A good old fashioned Benry mindfuck. I approve. XD
My only piece of concrit is you need to stop breaking up dialogue with prose so much. For example:
Ben let silence fill a long moment, then laid his words carefully over an even, modulated tone. “She dared to try and speak for Jacob.” It's declarative, not a question. It has the effect he wanted - the burly man winces and Isabel's face turns in disapproval. Ben jerks his head up to regard the trio. “It isn't for me to judge or forgive,” he starts, causing a ripple of surprise among the onlookers, whose eyes can be found glistening beyond the firelight. “Let the island speak to the matter, if it will.” He smiles disarmingly, softening his brittle blue stare. “If I am such a mistake, then I will submit to the island's decision.” The murmurs continue to rise - mutters argue whether his words are proper submission to Jacob, or some admission of weakness. There is no clear concurrence.This is really jarring, going from dialogue to action to dialogue to action and back again,
( ... )
It makes sense. Yeah, that's probably the clunkiest bit - I think he might take split-seconds to monitor what's going on before he talks sometimes, but I also think you're right in that it doesn't flow in text that way very well at all, especially in this case. Something to draw on next time I try to write a crowd-scene mindfuck, which with Ben could potentially happen almost any time. :P
Thanks for pointing that out, it will go into the mental book of scribbilage.
*laugh* I can see that in my mind, but I also think he'd get into a mental war with someone over getting the last copy of something on the shelf and then sort of slither his way past the checkout people. Gotta keep off the grid and all that, but normals with no threat power? I would not want to be that one guy whose always in a bookstore with his three screaming kids when Ben's around.
Fuck, now I'm thinking about it. Did he go to a bookstore, all up in a shitty "Yeah, I got beaten up again, must be fucking Tuesday, or some other day that ends in Y" mood just before getting on the plane to get that copy of Ulysses or did he have it kickin' around?
I can only unhelpfully say "write it please". Probably a bookstore in the airport, wherein he encountered said father and screaming children, and that is why he was late for his flight.
My only piece of concrit is you need to stop breaking up dialogue with prose so much. For example:
Ben let silence fill a long moment, then laid his words carefully over an even, modulated tone. “She dared to try and speak for Jacob.” It's declarative, not a question. It has the effect he wanted - the burly man winces and Isabel's face turns in disapproval. Ben jerks his head up to regard the trio. “It isn't for me to judge or forgive,” he starts, causing a ripple of surprise among the onlookers, whose eyes can be found glistening beyond the firelight. “Let the island speak to the matter, if it will.” He smiles disarmingly, softening his brittle blue stare. “If I am such a mistake, then I will submit to the island's decision.” The murmurs continue to rise - mutters argue whether his words are proper submission to Jacob, or some admission of weakness. There is no clear concurrence.This is really jarring, going from dialogue to action to dialogue to action and back again, ( ... )
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Thanks for pointing that out, it will go into the mental book of scribbilage.
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Off-island scene where Ben tries to get a discount on a book y/n?
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(used to work in a Walden's)
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Please to be writing this fic.
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I really don't get to write enough humor for him.
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I can only unhelpfully say "write it please". Probably a bookstore in the airport, wherein he encountered said father and screaming children, and that is why he was late for his flight.
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