fic: Several Ways to Die Trying
They run out of fuel somewhere between Hawaii and Guam, and Frank lands the plane in the water. “Déjà vu”, Kate thinks as they pile into the inflatable raft, only there’s no baby in her arms, and Jack’s solid presence is missing from beside her. So she holds fast to Claire as the men row, and she refuses to look back at the sinking plane.
Frank rescued the transceiver from the plane, and Kate can’t help the look she and Sawyer share at the sight of it, remembering climbing trees to boost a signal. Three years ago, but it seems like forever, back when hope still existed, and she wants to go back and kick her former self in the teeth for being so stupid. She can’t though; she knows time-travel exists, but not how or why, and she won’t ever do it again. So she reaches out and takes the transceiver from Frank’s hand.
“Not yet”, she says as she takes a deep breath and channels Jack. “We need a story. We need to lie.”
They all look up at her, startled, except for Frank, who just looks weary, and she’s reminded that of the Oceanic 6, of the miraculous 6 survivors, she and Aaron are the only ones left. “We can’t talk about the island. If we do, people will look for it, and then it won’t be protected anymore.” And Jack will have died for nothing, is what she doesn’t say, but she doesn’t have to. “So we need a lie. Before, we told everyone that we were the only survivors, and that we were sure that everyone else was dead. We need a loophole to that story.”
“Another crash.” Sawyer says, and Kate isn’t surprised that he speaks up. Once a con man, always a con man, and Sawyer always been a great liar. “Your plane crashed in the water, and only you and Frank survived. You crashed near a deserted island where Claire and I had been living for the three years since the Oceanic crash. We patch up your raft, and we head for civilization.”
“And Richard and Miles?” Kate asks. “And how to we suddenly say that Aaron is Claire’s son?”
“We say that Claire gave birth to Aaron before the flight and brought him on the plane. You rescued him and said he was yours because you though Claire was dead. Richard…” He stops to think, but Richard steps in.
“I don’t exist, according to every government currently in existence. If we get to civilization, I can contact Ben’s network and get a new identity. I’ll just lose myself in the crowd first.”
“No one missed me.” Miles chimes in. “No family, no friends, so if I can disappear in a crowd and get back to Encino, it’ll be like I never left.”
“Okay.” Kate says. “So as soon as we see a populated island, you two jump out and make your own way. We’ll head for shore and get ready to meet the press.” She’s done this before, and she can do it again. She has to, because she knows what he died for, and she owes him. “Let’s go over the whole story. With details.”
One month later, she’s lying on her bed, listening to Claire, Carole, and Aaron downstairs. She told Claire that she should live here in Kate’s house, since it’s a familiar environment for Aaron, and the house is too big for just Kate anyway. So far it’s been good, having them all around (since Carole won’t leave her daughter, not when she’s just gotten her back), because they’re so happy, and they distract her from all the memories in this house (sitting on her bed where he proposed, walking into Aaron’s room where he read to her son, eating in the kitchen where they fought, and of course they had sex everywhere). And it’s helpful for Claire to have she and Carole around to reassure her that she’s a good mother (it’s true at any rate, so Kate doesn’t feel bad about saying it, and if she has to ignore the pang in her chest, she does).
Besides, it isn’t as if she has anyone else. Jack’s dead, Diane’s dead, she lost contact with Sam long ago, once Miles and Richard got away, they stayed gone, Frank got as far away as possible, and Sawyer’s in Albuquerque with his family.
That last part’s her own fault. She’s the one who’d called Cassidy, packed Sawyer a bag, and put him on a bus to Albuquerque with instructions not to chicken out. She hasn’t heard from him or Cassidy since. Not that she expected to. After everything, she could see Sawyer-James now-wanting to stay and be a good father to Clementine, even if he didn’t love Cassidy. Parenting was addicting, and fulfilling, and-
Kate cuts off her train of thought there. She has to, because she has to be realistic. There are no children in her future, not ones of her own, anyway. Aaron is Claire’s, Clementine is James’s and Cassidy’s, and her lawyer has already told her that not adoption agency will ever give her a child-what with her being a convicted felon-and she has no legal ground to try and take Ji-Yeon from Sun’s parents (even though Sun would probably want Ji as far away from them as possible). Kate doesn’t even consider getting pregnant herself; there’s too much of herself that she’d never want to pass on, at least, not without the perfect genes to balance them out. Traits she’s seen over and over in one man, the one man she’d consider-but Jack is dead, and it would feel like a betrayal to search for a similar man to be her sperm donor (and she’s betrayed him so many times that one more might break her).
Claire’s voice calling her name shakes her out of her reverie, and Kate stands and walks downstairs, brushing herself off as she goes. She stops at the bottom of the stairs, stricken by what she sees. James is standing in the foyer, bag slung over his shoulder, staring at her. “Hey Freckles,” he says, like it’s three years earlier and he’s been gone an hour picking fruit instead of a month.
“Thought you were in New Mexico,” she says, trying to sound casual instead of the mixture of disappointed, confused, and hopeful that she feels.
“Wasn’t working out,” he says. “Cass and I decided that Clem’ll came stay with me once a month for a weekend, and for a couple of weeks in the summer and for some school breaks.”
“So you’re back for good.” It isn’t a question, because she’s done running, and she needs to know if he is too.
“If I can find a job and a place to live, sure.” He says, looking first at Kate, then Claire, as if their objections will make a difference.
“We have an extra bedroom,” Claire offers with a glance at Kate. “I mean we will after my mum leaves tomorrow.”
“That’s fine.” Kate says with a detachment she doesn’t feel. “Stay with us for a while. At least until you get a job.”
James ends up living with them for six months, but he only spends a week in the spare bedroom. It only takes a week of their too-familiar dance before he’s sleeping in Kate’s bedroom and moving his things in there.
There’s something warm and familiar about being with James again, like a security blanket. And James is wonderful, really. Their sexual chemistry is amazing as ever, and James is trying to be responsible, getting a job with a private security company and taking care of Clementine as per his and Cassidy’s agreement. He even helps out with Aaron, and it doesn’t seem like a chore.
It’s wrong though, James reading to Aaron, James joining her in the shower, James drinking wine with her in the kitchen, and James in her bed every night. Every morning when he leaves for work, she reaches into the drawer next to her bed and pulls out the picture of she, jack and Aaron at the playground, smiling and happy, and she wishes she could go back to that time, tell Jack about Cassidy, and marry him, pretending that the island had never existed. But she can’t, and every morning she shuts the picture back into the drawer along with her heart.
Things go on like that for six months, until they can’t anymore. It isn’t fair to James, using him to replace Jack, and he’d hate it if he knew. So she packs up her things and loads them in her car. Claire doesn’t need her anymore; she’s amazing with Aaron, better than Kate’s ever been, and she’ll be all right without Kate. They’ll all be all right.
She’s grabbing the last box off of the bed when James walks through the doorway. He doesn’t look surprised when he sees her, just resigned. “Running again, Kate?” he asks.
“Not running,” she says.
“Really? Because that’s what it looks like to me. Even though you said you were done with that. Even though you made damn sure that I was done with that. So why, Kate? Why run now?”
She doesn’t want to say it. Can’t bear to hurt him that way, by saying the one thing he’ll hate to hear the most. But he’s waiting for her answer, and from the look in his eyes, he knows, but he just wants to hear her say it. She won’t hurt him like that though, so she just says the next truest thing.
“I can’t stay here. This house, with Aaron here, I can’t-I’m not his mother anymore, but I was, here, and now I can’t be, but I still see him every day, and-I need to leave, James.”
She can tell that he understands what she’s really saying to him; that she’s telling the truth, just not all of it. She knows that he feels Jack separating them, or the idea of Jack between them anyway, same as it’s always been.
“Okay.” James says, letting out a deep breath she hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Go then, if it’s too hard here. But say goodbye to Claire and the kid first. It ain’t fair otherwise.”
She nods, and turns to go. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees him sink down on the bed, head in his hands, staring at the floor, and she knows that he’s thinking about Juliet.
She cries when she says goodbye to Aaron, and when she hugs Claire, she says, “Take care of him, okay?” And Claire nods, knowing that Kate is enveloping two people in that one pronoun. Kate stands, turns around, walks out the door, and gets into her car. She doesn’t turn back. If she does, she won’t be able to leave.
Kate drives north until she can hardly keep her eyes open. She stops at a cheap motel and collapses on the bed. When she lifts her head (eons later), the pillow is wet. It’s the first time she’s cried since the island. It’s the first time she’s cried for Jack.
In the morning, she showers, changes, and checks out of the motel, grabbing a cup of coffee and a muffin from the Starbucks next door. She points the car north again, playing with the diamond ring on a chain around her neck. “Because I love you,” She hears in her head, and for the first time, it feels like a benediction.
Title: Several Ways to Die Trying
Pairings: Sawyer/Kate, past Jack/Kate
Word Count: 1930
Rating: PG-13
Summary: post-finale, Kate-centric. After, Kate tries to approximately return to what she had before Ajira flight 316. But she can't get back what she had when some of the pieces are missing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. Any of it. Title is taken from Dashboard Confessional.
Frank rescued the transceiver from the plane, and Kate can’t help the look she and Sawyer share at the sight of it, remembering climbing trees to boost a signal. Three years ago, but it seems like forever, back when hope still existed, and she wants to go back and kick her former self in the teeth for being so stupid. She can’t though; she knows time-travel exists, but not how or why, and she won’t ever do it again. So she reaches out and takes the transceiver from Frank’s hand.
“Not yet”, she says as she takes a deep breath and channels Jack. “We need a story. We need to lie.”
They all look up at her, startled, except for Frank, who just looks weary, and she’s reminded that of the Oceanic 6, of the miraculous 6 survivors, she and Aaron are the only ones left. “We can’t talk about the island. If we do, people will look for it, and then it won’t be protected anymore.” And Jack will have died for nothing, is what she doesn’t say, but she doesn’t have to. “So we need a lie. Before, we told everyone that we were the only survivors, and that we were sure that everyone else was dead. We need a loophole to that story.”
“Another crash.” Sawyer says, and Kate isn’t surprised that he speaks up. Once a con man, always a con man, and Sawyer always been a great liar. “Your plane crashed in the water, and only you and Frank survived. You crashed near a deserted island where Claire and I had been living for the three years since the Oceanic crash. We patch up your raft, and we head for civilization.”
“And Richard and Miles?” Kate asks. “And how to we suddenly say that Aaron is Claire’s son?”
“We say that Claire gave birth to Aaron before the flight and brought him on the plane. You rescued him and said he was yours because you though Claire was dead. Richard…” He stops to think, but Richard steps in.
“I don’t exist, according to every government currently in existence. If we get to civilization, I can contact Ben’s network and get a new identity. I’ll just lose myself in the crowd first.”
“No one missed me.” Miles chimes in. “No family, no friends, so if I can disappear in a crowd and get back to Encino, it’ll be like I never left.”
“Okay.” Kate says. “So as soon as we see a populated island, you two jump out and make your own way. We’ll head for shore and get ready to meet the press.” She’s done this before, and she can do it again. She has to, because she knows what he died for, and she owes him. “Let’s go over the whole story. With details.”
One month later, she’s lying on her bed, listening to Claire, Carole, and Aaron downstairs. She told Claire that she should live here in Kate’s house, since it’s a familiar environment for Aaron, and the house is too big for just Kate anyway. So far it’s been good, having them all around (since Carole won’t leave her daughter, not when she’s just gotten her back), because they’re so happy, and they distract her from all the memories in this house (sitting on her bed where he proposed, walking into Aaron’s room where he read to her son, eating in the kitchen where they fought, and of course they had sex everywhere). And it’s helpful for Claire to have she and Carole around to reassure her that she’s a good mother (it’s true at any rate, so Kate doesn’t feel bad about saying it, and if she has to ignore the pang in her chest, she does).
Besides, it isn’t as if she has anyone else. Jack’s dead, Diane’s dead, she lost contact with Sam long ago, once Miles and Richard got away, they stayed gone, Frank got as far away as possible, and Sawyer’s in Albuquerque with his family.
That last part’s her own fault. She’s the one who’d called Cassidy, packed Sawyer a bag, and put him on a bus to Albuquerque with instructions not to chicken out. She hasn’t heard from him or Cassidy since. Not that she expected to. After everything, she could see Sawyer-James now-wanting to stay and be a good father to Clementine, even if he didn’t love Cassidy. Parenting was addicting, and fulfilling, and-
Kate cuts off her train of thought there. She has to, because she has to be realistic. There are no children in her future, not ones of her own, anyway. Aaron is Claire’s, Clementine is James’s and Cassidy’s, and her lawyer has already told her that not adoption agency will ever give her a child-what with her being a convicted felon-and she has no legal ground to try and take Ji-Yeon from Sun’s parents (even though Sun would probably want Ji as far away from them as possible). Kate doesn’t even consider getting pregnant herself; there’s too much of herself that she’d never want to pass on, at least, not without the perfect genes to balance them out. Traits she’s seen over and over in one man, the one man she’d consider-but Jack is dead, and it would feel like a betrayal to search for a similar man to be her sperm donor (and she’s betrayed him so many times that one more might break her).
Claire’s voice calling her name shakes her out of her reverie, and Kate stands and walks downstairs, brushing herself off as she goes. She stops at the bottom of the stairs, stricken by what she sees. James is standing in the foyer, bag slung over his shoulder, staring at her. “Hey Freckles,” he says, like it’s three years earlier and he’s been gone an hour picking fruit instead of a month.
“Thought you were in New Mexico,” she says, trying to sound casual instead of the mixture of disappointed, confused, and hopeful that she feels.
“Wasn’t working out,” he says. “Cass and I decided that Clem’ll came stay with me once a month for a weekend, and for a couple of weeks in the summer and for some school breaks.”
“So you’re back for good.” It isn’t a question, because she’s done running, and she needs to know if he is too.
“If I can find a job and a place to live, sure.” He says, looking first at Kate, then Claire, as if their objections will make a difference.
“We have an extra bedroom,” Claire offers with a glance at Kate. “I mean we will after my mum leaves tomorrow.”
“That’s fine.” Kate says with a detachment she doesn’t feel. “Stay with us for a while. At least until you get a job.”
James ends up living with them for six months, but he only spends a week in the spare bedroom. It only takes a week of their too-familiar dance before he’s sleeping in Kate’s bedroom and moving his things in there.
There’s something warm and familiar about being with James again, like a security blanket. And James is wonderful, really. Their sexual chemistry is amazing as ever, and James is trying to be responsible, getting a job with a private security company and taking care of Clementine as per his and Cassidy’s agreement. He even helps out with Aaron, and it doesn’t seem like a chore.
It’s wrong though, James reading to Aaron, James joining her in the shower, James drinking wine with her in the kitchen, and James in her bed every night. Every morning when he leaves for work, she reaches into the drawer next to her bed and pulls out the picture of she, jack and Aaron at the playground, smiling and happy, and she wishes she could go back to that time, tell Jack about Cassidy, and marry him, pretending that the island had never existed. But she can’t, and every morning she shuts the picture back into the drawer along with her heart.
Things go on like that for six months, until they can’t anymore. It isn’t fair to James, using him to replace Jack, and he’d hate it if he knew. So she packs up her things and loads them in her car. Claire doesn’t need her anymore; she’s amazing with Aaron, better than Kate’s ever been, and she’ll be all right without Kate. They’ll all be all right.
She’s grabbing the last box off of the bed when James walks through the doorway. He doesn’t look surprised when he sees her, just resigned. “Running again, Kate?” he asks.
“Not running,” she says.
“Really? Because that’s what it looks like to me. Even though you said you were done with that. Even though you made damn sure that I was done with that. So why, Kate? Why run now?”
She doesn’t want to say it. Can’t bear to hurt him that way, by saying the one thing he’ll hate to hear the most. But he’s waiting for her answer, and from the look in his eyes, he knows, but he just wants to hear her say it. She won’t hurt him like that though, so she just says the next truest thing.
“I can’t stay here. This house, with Aaron here, I can’t-I’m not his mother anymore, but I was, here, and now I can’t be, but I still see him every day, and-I need to leave, James.”
She can tell that he understands what she’s really saying to him; that she’s telling the truth, just not all of it. She knows that he feels Jack separating them, or the idea of Jack between them anyway, same as it’s always been.
“Okay.” James says, letting out a deep breath she hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Go then, if it’s too hard here. But say goodbye to Claire and the kid first. It ain’t fair otherwise.”
She nods, and turns to go. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees him sink down on the bed, head in his hands, staring at the floor, and she knows that he’s thinking about Juliet.
She cries when she says goodbye to Aaron, and when she hugs Claire, she says, “Take care of him, okay?” And Claire nods, knowing that Kate is enveloping two people in that one pronoun. Kate stands, turns around, walks out the door, and gets into her car. She doesn’t turn back. If she does, she won’t be able to leave.
Kate drives north until she can hardly keep her eyes open. She stops at a cheap motel and collapses on the bed. When she lifts her head (eons later), the pillow is wet. It’s the first time she’s cried since the island. It’s the first time she’s cried for Jack.
In the morning, she showers, changes, and checks out of the motel, grabbing a cup of coffee and a muffin from the Starbucks next door. She points the car north again, playing with the diamond ring on a chain around her neck. “Because I love you,” She hears in her head, and for the first time, it feels like a benediction.
Title: Several Ways to Die Trying
Pairings: Sawyer/Kate, past Jack/Kate
Word Count: 1930
Rating: PG-13
Summary: post-finale, Kate-centric. After, Kate tries to approximately return to what she had before Ajira flight 316. But she can't get back what she had when some of the pieces are missing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. Any of it. Title is taken from Dashboard Confessional.