Fuck it, this can stay public.
I wrote this as an email to myself. I don't know why. I can't exactly think clearly at the moment...or at all today for that matter. I feel as though I can only half-function. I move just enough to get shit done so I don't get yelled at. The last thing I need right now is to have my anxiety sky-rocket on top of everything else. You know, I had been doing so well. I was eating normally, in public, 'normal' portions and keeping it down. Now I just kind of want to do nothing but puke and sleep in intervals. Or just lay there motionless. That sounds nice.
I feel a purge on the rise.
. . .
"I love you" he said to her. She responded back similarly.
"You just dont understand" he tells me. Am I that naive, that simple, that stupid that I can't comprehend what he wants to tell me? Has he tried before to help me understand what he needs help with?
"I need help you can't give, like I can't help you with...." I have tried to have him help me with my eating disorder and other mental issues. I have at least tried and found out he is incapable. Though, I don't think he has put forth that effort to see if I can help him. "You have other good qualities, but I need something more" He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me; to make plans for out future. But I'm insufficient. I am incomplete... I'm not good enough and never will be.
"I love you in a different way than I love her. I put you first." If that was the case, why was he going to be with her on one of the few days he would get to spend with me? He has the opportunity to see her any day of the week...The only reason his plans changed was due to a death in her family. He had told me the night before that I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't until the next morning that I stumbled across their little love notes.
I think he finally did it. My shell was thinner than expected. I am broken.
How pathetic.
I feel a purge on the rise.
. . .
"I love you" he said to her. She responded back similarly.
"You just dont understand" he tells me. Am I that naive, that simple, that stupid that I can't comprehend what he wants to tell me? Has he tried before to help me understand what he needs help with?
"I need help you can't give, like I can't help you with...." I have tried to have him help me with my eating disorder and other mental issues. I have at least tried and found out he is incapable. Though, I don't think he has put forth that effort to see if I can help him. "You have other good qualities, but I need something more" He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me; to make plans for out future. But I'm insufficient. I am incomplete... I'm not good enough and never will be.
"I love you in a different way than I love her. I put you first." If that was the case, why was he going to be with her on one of the few days he would get to spend with me? He has the opportunity to see her any day of the week...The only reason his plans changed was due to a death in her family. He had told me the night before that I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't until the next morning that I stumbled across their little love notes.
I think he finally did it. My shell was thinner than expected. I am broken.
How pathetic.