(no subject)
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Dangerous, I know. But I think I've finally come to some conclusions about my life.
I'm finally acknowledging the difference between transmasculine and transgender, and while I know I'm the former I'm not quite sure I'm the latter. It's not all or nothing, I'm realizing. I can acknowledge the inherent masculinity within me without actually physically or medically or even socially transitioning. And while I know that the term female is both incomplete and moderately inaccurate in defining me, I also know that I am not male. Do I feel like a guy sometimes, yeah. Do I feel MALE, though? Not necessarily. And maybe those two terms are interchangeable for some people, but for me I don't think they are. Because I can act like a guy whenever I want to - I can pack, I can use my male names and pronouns. But do I feel as though I NEED to transition to be totally happy in my life? No. I'll never feel like a girl, but I'll never feel male, either. I think, for me, it's the difference between presentation (girl v. guy, masculine v. feminine) and identity (male v. female). Does that make any sense? I've always felt comfortable presenting as masculine, but in the past year I've never felt truly comfortable identifying as male.
Having been immersed into the queer community in Brooklyn has truly opened my eyes to the fact that there is more than just male v. female, feminine v. masculine, and every single person can embody various characteristics from all of those labels without necessarily BEING any single one of them.
For those of you who have been there from the beginning, when I first acknowledged this, thank you. It feels strange to essentially be coming out for the third time (1. Hai Mom, I iz a lesbain! 2. Hey guys, I think I'm trans! 3. Um...Maybe not so much. I can haz lesbian again?) but without having you there to help me throughout the past year and a half I probably would have struggled with this all my life.
I'm finally acknowledging the difference between transmasculine and transgender, and while I know I'm the former I'm not quite sure I'm the latter. It's not all or nothing, I'm realizing. I can acknowledge the inherent masculinity within me without actually physically or medically or even socially transitioning. And while I know that the term female is both incomplete and moderately inaccurate in defining me, I also know that I am not male. Do I feel like a guy sometimes, yeah. Do I feel MALE, though? Not necessarily. And maybe those two terms are interchangeable for some people, but for me I don't think they are. Because I can act like a guy whenever I want to - I can pack, I can use my male names and pronouns. But do I feel as though I NEED to transition to be totally happy in my life? No. I'll never feel like a girl, but I'll never feel male, either. I think, for me, it's the difference between presentation (girl v. guy, masculine v. feminine) and identity (male v. female). Does that make any sense? I've always felt comfortable presenting as masculine, but in the past year I've never felt truly comfortable identifying as male.
Having been immersed into the queer community in Brooklyn has truly opened my eyes to the fact that there is more than just male v. female, feminine v. masculine, and every single person can embody various characteristics from all of those labels without necessarily BEING any single one of them.
For those of you who have been there from the beginning, when I first acknowledged this, thank you. It feels strange to essentially be coming out for the third time (1. Hai Mom, I iz a lesbain! 2. Hey guys, I think I'm trans! 3. Um...Maybe not so much. I can haz lesbian again?) but without having you there to help me throughout the past year and a half I probably would have struggled with this all my life.