As I age..
So it is 7:08pm on June 21, 2010 at the time of the start of this writing.
You are still sick, you are still constantly in pain. It has been at least 2 years now since all this started..and still we don't truly know anything. I've been to so many doctors and they all make up their minds before they even see me. They see that I am fat and assume that all my problems are related to me being fat. It is so frustrating, I tell them that I have gained so much weight as a result of whatever is wrong, I hurt so much, have so many symptoms which have nothing to do with weight, etc. Even when I binge eat for days, I still gain weight. I keep growing and I can't truly relate how I feel, or what is wrong.
I can't afford to go the doctor and yet I can't afford not to go. Even if I go to the emergency room, their job is to do the standard health check and make sure I can walk out of the hospital on my own two feet. As with many people I know, they just tell them go to a specialist/family doctor where they can look into the problem.
But if you cannot afford that...then your stuck in that loop. I'd gladly have insurance, work, etc. if I was healthy and normal. But not only am I not, I have no obvious signs and others just judge me as lazy...
I do not want to be like this, I did not choose this, everyday hurts, and what I think of myself personally disgusts me.
I will remember this time for the rest of my life, wondering if I will ever be normal, or if some of these problems with me I will face for the rest of my life and have to cope? It isn't fair..call it pride, or whatever. But I've been a better person than most and I do believe that is something to be proud of. I know this is trivial to state as nobody ever said life would be fair. But this just isn't FAIR.
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In other news of my life. I am currently enrolled in hopefully the last two months of summer semester and assuming I pass Chemistry I, Chemistry II, and Calculus I. I will graduate by the end of July. I hate to sound emo, I hate to complain (I guess besides on this journal I rarely update anymore), but a part of me feels like if I graduate from this college where I originally stopped attending back in 2004, that only has an 18% graduation rate due to mainly drop-outs and some transfers. That I will have accomplished a section/chapter in my life that matters personally to me. Even if I accomplish nothing in life, for no other sake other than mine. I would be glad that I had it in me to do college after all this time..from little to none encouragement from anyone else. Nobody tutored me, nobody sat me down told me what I needed to do, how I needed to plan my schedule, etc. I handled what classes I took, I made the plans, I dealt with administrative problems personally (and multiple times) and even had a congressman contacted on my behalf to try and resolve a dispute about my transfer credit from high school (I had to meet a Georgia legislative requirement that I fulfilled years ago when it wasn't a requirement and had to go through a lot of BS, eventually getting credit for half the stuff and having to take a test over the different articles of the Georgia constitution to prove that I was educated in Georgia.)
Doing all this has been hard on me emotionally and physically because of my illness, as well as being hard because of my social awkwardness and mean people at school that said hurtful things to me..which I'm used to, which I'm so tired of, which I already predicted, which hurts my heart and makes me feel so old..and alone. After all who could understand my life better than me? How do you explain all the things you see coming and explain that it isn't paranoia, but experience?
I really want to be normal, have a "fun" and "active" life where I can do things others take for granted..uninhibited. I think I am at the point in my life that if I was normal (my knees, my feet, etc.) that I survive out in the world. It would be hard, but I believe I could do it. How fun would it be to do that? Have a house? A good job? Extra money? Freedom? Independence? The ability to simply breathe, swim, work out, mingle with others, etc.
Instead I feel like my only point in life is merely to observe, merely to collect data.
Perhaps this is to help others than myself? Like Chavez?
You are still sick, you are still constantly in pain. It has been at least 2 years now since all this started..and still we don't truly know anything. I've been to so many doctors and they all make up their minds before they even see me. They see that I am fat and assume that all my problems are related to me being fat. It is so frustrating, I tell them that I have gained so much weight as a result of whatever is wrong, I hurt so much, have so many symptoms which have nothing to do with weight, etc. Even when I binge eat for days, I still gain weight. I keep growing and I can't truly relate how I feel, or what is wrong.
I can't afford to go the doctor and yet I can't afford not to go. Even if I go to the emergency room, their job is to do the standard health check and make sure I can walk out of the hospital on my own two feet. As with many people I know, they just tell them go to a specialist/family doctor where they can look into the problem.
But if you cannot afford that...then your stuck in that loop. I'd gladly have insurance, work, etc. if I was healthy and normal. But not only am I not, I have no obvious signs and others just judge me as lazy...
I do not want to be like this, I did not choose this, everyday hurts, and what I think of myself personally disgusts me.
I will remember this time for the rest of my life, wondering if I will ever be normal, or if some of these problems with me I will face for the rest of my life and have to cope? It isn't fair..call it pride, or whatever. But I've been a better person than most and I do believe that is something to be proud of. I know this is trivial to state as nobody ever said life would be fair. But this just isn't FAIR.
-----
In other news of my life. I am currently enrolled in hopefully the last two months of summer semester and assuming I pass Chemistry I, Chemistry II, and Calculus I. I will graduate by the end of July. I hate to sound emo, I hate to complain (I guess besides on this journal I rarely update anymore), but a part of me feels like if I graduate from this college where I originally stopped attending back in 2004, that only has an 18% graduation rate due to mainly drop-outs and some transfers. That I will have accomplished a section/chapter in my life that matters personally to me. Even if I accomplish nothing in life, for no other sake other than mine. I would be glad that I had it in me to do college after all this time..from little to none encouragement from anyone else. Nobody tutored me, nobody sat me down told me what I needed to do, how I needed to plan my schedule, etc. I handled what classes I took, I made the plans, I dealt with administrative problems personally (and multiple times) and even had a congressman contacted on my behalf to try and resolve a dispute about my transfer credit from high school (I had to meet a Georgia legislative requirement that I fulfilled years ago when it wasn't a requirement and had to go through a lot of BS, eventually getting credit for half the stuff and having to take a test over the different articles of the Georgia constitution to prove that I was educated in Georgia.)
Doing all this has been hard on me emotionally and physically because of my illness, as well as being hard because of my social awkwardness and mean people at school that said hurtful things to me..which I'm used to, which I'm so tired of, which I already predicted, which hurts my heart and makes me feel so old..and alone. After all who could understand my life better than me? How do you explain all the things you see coming and explain that it isn't paranoia, but experience?
I really want to be normal, have a "fun" and "active" life where I can do things others take for granted..uninhibited. I think I am at the point in my life that if I was normal (my knees, my feet, etc.) that I survive out in the world. It would be hard, but I believe I could do it. How fun would it be to do that? Have a house? A good job? Extra money? Freedom? Independence? The ability to simply breathe, swim, work out, mingle with others, etc.
Instead I feel like my only point in life is merely to observe, merely to collect data.
Perhaps this is to help others than myself? Like Chavez?