competion
its everywhere.... always competing for the ones you love, to have the best of something, but why is being the best or having the best always necessary....why cant everyone just be themselves and not be repremanded for it... if you dont like the way someone acts dont be in their company.... its as simple as that... and if the reason you're being left out in life is because of you being yourself then you arent hanging out with the right people right?... i need to find a place where i feel comfortable acting the way i always have wanted to...show my true colors... i thought i found that place, i guess i was wrong.... i just wish life could be less demanding... im sorry, im sorry for not being perfect.... its funny, candice thought i didnt like her....i always have liked her, ive just always been so intimidated.....i never understood why i always had to be second... its like no matter what i do i will always be the second choice and i never thought it was fair.... why cant i be first for once.... ive been told that i am first, and that ive been first for a long time but thats not the way you make me feel.... its like not matter how hard i try or anything i do i never really will have your heart... because how can you give something away that you lost a long time ago... im not saying that you dont love me, im sure you do, but ill never be who youve always wanted me to be... its like you dont want me to be me... i dont blame you, id rather not be me too.... but dont tell me that im first because i can see in your eyes in the way you look at her and the way you look at me that i am second and thats the way it will always be... i dont think i will ever understand it, and i know that i will always cry because of it but theres nothing i can do about it so i have to change... i need to stop wanting to be first, understand that im second and stay that way.... or maybe i have to find a place where i can be first..... its everything... everything i think about the times ive been hurt because i know that im second.... trying so hard to be first but constantly being put down by various things proving that i am second, and i hate it.... i hate that i know theres nothing i can do to be anything but second and i think thats what gets me the most.... knowing that theres a problem that no matter how hard i try to fix theres nothing i can do.... being helpless is something thats supposed to complictaed but not impossible... for me it is impossible and i hate it more then you will ever know... so im left here, confused and controlled by my own heart... striving for reaasurance that everything i do isnt completely empty....waiting to be filled with an equal amount of someone who wants me for me and no one else... needing to find myself in all of the pain that wont disappear....but left alone a prisoner of a world trapping my soul thats searching to be freed.... with one remaining question that wont answer itself.... what do i do?