some people shall never change...
so i have been home for about 3 days now. and i have been so damn busy with wedding stuff that i haven't even had time for me. tonight i went to the coffee shop and kind of felt out of place. i said bye to andrew and he said i guess i'll be seeing you often now that you're home, and i said most likely not. he asked why, but i just shrugged it off because i used the wedding as an excuse. i find myself using that as my excuse to everything. is that bad? i dunno, i sat and drank coffee chain smoked of course and minded my own business reading the new yorker, and i was peaceful. i just feel so weird now. everyone has stayed exactly the same, but me. and more and more i find myself sticking out like a sore thumb around everyone. yet i dissapear...if that makes any sense. i'm way more of an intelect than i ever was, and i can't seem to find a way to fit in with "the boys" anymore. when i was leaving pittsburgh i could not wait to come home and hang out with straight boys...but i just don't feel like one of the guys anymore. im more independent. like on a social level.
tonight i was just so happy driving around by myself listening to music and smoking cigarettes, sipping on what was left of my delicious coffee. at school i really didn't have that much of a chance to be alone, because i hated being alone. yet now that i am home, i want to be alone. i have been having a hard time sleeping, because it is so quiet in my room. at shcool there was always the constant noise of the fans blowing masking every noise. now the humming of my computer drives me to insanity and i have to get up and turn it off. everything is so much more quiet here. and to an extent it is peacefull. but a disturbing peacefull. i can't get over how pleasant i was tonight. i felt like it was something out of a movie...just me driving around, and enjoying the peacefullness of the night. i feel more alone now than i have in a very long time.
and in a way i feel that's good, yet at the same time i detest it immensly. i hate walking around and seeing teens holding hands and being all cutesy. i'm jealous of course. i want what they have. i just want to be special in someone's eyes. i guess you could say i am to mike and den, but den's too old, and mike i just don't feel the same way i used to about him. i secretly hoped to rekindle old flames from the end of my senior year, yet i know it won't be attainable. why is it human nature to want something we can't have? fuckin eve, she had to screw us over. and i swear that will be the only religous imagery you will ever hear from me. i don't even know the whole story of adam and eve. all i know is eve ate the apple and screwed everyone over.
i miss what i have in pittsburgh. not just because my friends there are amazing, they are just like any other friends (but a hell of a lot more loyal), but i miss it because they know who i am now. no one here knows who i am or what i have changed into. and i guess my biggest fear is that, they won't like who i am now. everyone in pittsburgh has been with me every step of the way, and my friends here just got the bits and bobbles, the reader's digest version of my life, typed away on a live journal. i was so bored lastnight that i did something i never thought i would ever do again. and that was went out with ryan. the more i sat and talked with him the more i realized...he will never change.
some people just never leave high school. and i feel that i have. yeah i'm still immature sorta loud and obnoxious, but i'm a hell of a lot calmer than what i used to be. i don't go flying off the handle. well i have to admit i did today with my sister, juli and her fiance matt. it's just all of this wedding bullshit is putting me to my end. i just have to bite my tongue and not piss her off. this isn't about me, it's about her. it always has been. i'm the pudgy awkward little sister that has always had to live in her shadow. i was always smarter than her, but artisically she is amazing. and i guess it frustrates me that my family doesn't realize how good i am. and the fact that theatre was my thing. and i was really good at it. and i feel that the only reason as to why i became discouraged about it this year, is because i had to start at the bottom of the totem pole again.
ugh there is just this aching inside of me right now. and i can't figure out how to ease it. i definately don't miss what my life used to be like, but i do miss my friendship with my family. now that i am home my dad treats me so much differently. like today he said while you are living in my house this summer i want you to keep your door shut, because i don't want to see the mess in your room. that really hurt. i haven't really had that much time to unpack so yes my room is a disaster. but just the way he said it. it was like him saying, you don't live here anymore, you just visit. like i wasn't a member of the family or something. it broke my heart. i've tried to sit and talk with my dad and "bond" with him like i used to...but it's like he doesn't even want to give me a chance or anything. and it really breaks my heart. he's just getting so old and i've completely lost words to explain what i am feeling and thinking.
i miss the good ol' burgh a lot...but i'm not even giving atown a chance. i don't want to. i love what i have there. and the only thing motivating me to get through this summer is knowing i'll be back there in 3 months. 3 months. that's not too long. hopefully it will just breeze by. yet i think i have to give this a chance or this summer will be absolute hell for me. and i want it to be a good summer. ashlee comes home tomorrow, so i think that's my motivation. i'll have her. and we'll have the summer. and al will be fine...i hope.
tonight i was just so happy driving around by myself listening to music and smoking cigarettes, sipping on what was left of my delicious coffee. at school i really didn't have that much of a chance to be alone, because i hated being alone. yet now that i am home, i want to be alone. i have been having a hard time sleeping, because it is so quiet in my room. at shcool there was always the constant noise of the fans blowing masking every noise. now the humming of my computer drives me to insanity and i have to get up and turn it off. everything is so much more quiet here. and to an extent it is peacefull. but a disturbing peacefull. i can't get over how pleasant i was tonight. i felt like it was something out of a movie...just me driving around, and enjoying the peacefullness of the night. i feel more alone now than i have in a very long time.
and in a way i feel that's good, yet at the same time i detest it immensly. i hate walking around and seeing teens holding hands and being all cutesy. i'm jealous of course. i want what they have. i just want to be special in someone's eyes. i guess you could say i am to mike and den, but den's too old, and mike i just don't feel the same way i used to about him. i secretly hoped to rekindle old flames from the end of my senior year, yet i know it won't be attainable. why is it human nature to want something we can't have? fuckin eve, she had to screw us over. and i swear that will be the only religous imagery you will ever hear from me. i don't even know the whole story of adam and eve. all i know is eve ate the apple and screwed everyone over.
i miss what i have in pittsburgh. not just because my friends there are amazing, they are just like any other friends (but a hell of a lot more loyal), but i miss it because they know who i am now. no one here knows who i am or what i have changed into. and i guess my biggest fear is that, they won't like who i am now. everyone in pittsburgh has been with me every step of the way, and my friends here just got the bits and bobbles, the reader's digest version of my life, typed away on a live journal. i was so bored lastnight that i did something i never thought i would ever do again. and that was went out with ryan. the more i sat and talked with him the more i realized...he will never change.
some people just never leave high school. and i feel that i have. yeah i'm still immature sorta loud and obnoxious, but i'm a hell of a lot calmer than what i used to be. i don't go flying off the handle. well i have to admit i did today with my sister, juli and her fiance matt. it's just all of this wedding bullshit is putting me to my end. i just have to bite my tongue and not piss her off. this isn't about me, it's about her. it always has been. i'm the pudgy awkward little sister that has always had to live in her shadow. i was always smarter than her, but artisically she is amazing. and i guess it frustrates me that my family doesn't realize how good i am. and the fact that theatre was my thing. and i was really good at it. and i feel that the only reason as to why i became discouraged about it this year, is because i had to start at the bottom of the totem pole again.
ugh there is just this aching inside of me right now. and i can't figure out how to ease it. i definately don't miss what my life used to be like, but i do miss my friendship with my family. now that i am home my dad treats me so much differently. like today he said while you are living in my house this summer i want you to keep your door shut, because i don't want to see the mess in your room. that really hurt. i haven't really had that much time to unpack so yes my room is a disaster. but just the way he said it. it was like him saying, you don't live here anymore, you just visit. like i wasn't a member of the family or something. it broke my heart. i've tried to sit and talk with my dad and "bond" with him like i used to...but it's like he doesn't even want to give me a chance or anything. and it really breaks my heart. he's just getting so old and i've completely lost words to explain what i am feeling and thinking.
i miss the good ol' burgh a lot...but i'm not even giving atown a chance. i don't want to. i love what i have there. and the only thing motivating me to get through this summer is knowing i'll be back there in 3 months. 3 months. that's not too long. hopefully it will just breeze by. yet i think i have to give this a chance or this summer will be absolute hell for me. and i want it to be a good summer. ashlee comes home tomorrow, so i think that's my motivation. i'll have her. and we'll have the summer. and al will be fine...i hope.