(no subject)
i never quite know how i want to start journal entries that are going to be, well not emotional, but telling.
ok, i'm just prefacing this by saying that this is just how i perceive things, it might not actually be what people think.
people seem to think that i have it all and that i'm perfect. and a lot of it is my fault because to hid my own insecurities (and lately, i think not so well) i would make every little thing i do seem perfect when compared to everyone else. and well yes i do that i am good at certain things, I am no picasso. i've been trying really hard lately not to act like that because i realized i only do it with my friends from home and at college i didn't have to do it. but also in college i was more open to discussing my flaws in order to form deeper friendships with my friends. we were all equals in a sense and at home i don't feel like that. i feel like there is a constant power struggle between everyone and it's made us all tired. tired of putting on "the folksy routine." tired of being on top, so to say. it was more so like that last summer. this is the tired summer. i've thought about both and i don't know which one has been better.
anyway, back to the feeling about perfection...somehow this relates to my boy issues. i know, i know i do it to myself, but sometimes i don't know why or how it happens, even though i know exactly how it happens. that probably made no sense to anyone else, but it made sense to me and i needed to get that out. i get all these, flimsy, crap, hook ups that don't mean anything, but sex, love...that should mean something. at any given moment i could call up about five or six different people and get some. i'm not bragging by any means, whatsoever. it's pathetic and sad that my love life is like that. and it sucks more than anything that the one person i want to be with, the one person i want to call me all the time, and talk to me, and love me, doesn't feel the same. everyone knows i hate commitment. more scared of it than hate it. but it's not something that is going to happen. i'm not going to force myself on anyone. i feel like when i like someone, the feeling should be mutual. neither one of us should feel like we are trying harder than the other. if one doesn't want it, people need to give up, it's not worth it. and i'm finally realizing that. there are worse things to worry/think about.
because of all that, or because i'm just crazy and empty...i'm not attracted or sexually inclined to like anyone lately. my interest in the same sex has dwindled. i know that i'm gay and i like boys, but i'm just not into it anymore. i'm so over the hooking up, little games, all that shit. it just doesn't do it for me anymore. maybe i'm destined to just be alone, which i'm learning, is not so bad. no one else to look after, worry about, or stress over. i'm not ready to worry about anyone other than myself, and that may sound selfish, but personally i feel that if someone is not stable enough alone, they shouldn't be with someone else.
this has been yet another "post graig should send to the psychiatrist..."
peace.
ok, i'm just prefacing this by saying that this is just how i perceive things, it might not actually be what people think.
people seem to think that i have it all and that i'm perfect. and a lot of it is my fault because to hid my own insecurities (and lately, i think not so well) i would make every little thing i do seem perfect when compared to everyone else. and well yes i do that i am good at certain things, I am no picasso. i've been trying really hard lately not to act like that because i realized i only do it with my friends from home and at college i didn't have to do it. but also in college i was more open to discussing my flaws in order to form deeper friendships with my friends. we were all equals in a sense and at home i don't feel like that. i feel like there is a constant power struggle between everyone and it's made us all tired. tired of putting on "the folksy routine." tired of being on top, so to say. it was more so like that last summer. this is the tired summer. i've thought about both and i don't know which one has been better.
anyway, back to the feeling about perfection...somehow this relates to my boy issues. i know, i know i do it to myself, but sometimes i don't know why or how it happens, even though i know exactly how it happens. that probably made no sense to anyone else, but it made sense to me and i needed to get that out. i get all these, flimsy, crap, hook ups that don't mean anything, but sex, love...that should mean something. at any given moment i could call up about five or six different people and get some. i'm not bragging by any means, whatsoever. it's pathetic and sad that my love life is like that. and it sucks more than anything that the one person i want to be with, the one person i want to call me all the time, and talk to me, and love me, doesn't feel the same. everyone knows i hate commitment. more scared of it than hate it. but it's not something that is going to happen. i'm not going to force myself on anyone. i feel like when i like someone, the feeling should be mutual. neither one of us should feel like we are trying harder than the other. if one doesn't want it, people need to give up, it's not worth it. and i'm finally realizing that. there are worse things to worry/think about.
because of all that, or because i'm just crazy and empty...i'm not attracted or sexually inclined to like anyone lately. my interest in the same sex has dwindled. i know that i'm gay and i like boys, but i'm just not into it anymore. i'm so over the hooking up, little games, all that shit. it just doesn't do it for me anymore. maybe i'm destined to just be alone, which i'm learning, is not so bad. no one else to look after, worry about, or stress over. i'm not ready to worry about anyone other than myself, and that may sound selfish, but personally i feel that if someone is not stable enough alone, they shouldn't be with someone else.
this has been yet another "post graig should send to the psychiatrist..."
peace.